The mind spins and spins, constantly thinking of what I could or should be doing.  I start a project that my mind says I need to focus on in that moment only to work on it for five minutes and realize there’s something else I should be doing.  I start that and then I want to work on the project I started in the first place.  I commit to too many things at the same time thinking I can do it.  And for many years I DID do it.  I worked through the frustration and demands of the time and I made whatever I needed to happen, happen.  But over the last few months I’ve seen that I can’t operate like that anymore.  Dividing my mind like that isn’t as easy as it used to be and focusing on nothing while feeling like I need to do everything isn’t getting anything done.  And that creates frustration and exhaustion with a mile of things that were started and still need to be finished.  The human mind is an amazing thing and there is so much that works itself through our subconscious and unconscious minds.  The heart, mind, body, and soul all know what’s really going on and they all try to give us signs to guide us to the root of the problem.    

When I’ve felt especially stressed in my life, it’s been a common thing for me to dream about it.  Dreaming of multiple tornadoes breaking out, all in a row, watching from an office building, waiting for the sirens but running like a caged rat until I knew what to do.  I told people what was coming, I told them they needed to move.  They did nothing.  The funnels touched down, spinning their path directly toward the building.  They did nothing.  They stared, not even willing to protect themselves.  So I took pictures of the tornadoes, trying to capture them.  And I moved on to a store, still running from the storm, no one listening, no one caring what I told them.  I had to look up the meaning of such a dream and it told me I was overwhelmed.  I am.  I’m overwhelmed with trying to solve problems for people who know the solution and do nothing.  Overwhelmed with doing the work of multiple adults.  Overwhelmed with needing to make a decision for my sanity but not knowing who will be there for me in the end. Each of those tornadoes, an obstacle or truth I don’t want to face, all of them ready to take me away with them…and I don’t know what to do. 

The subconscious mind is an amazing thing.  The interpretation of outside stimulation and internal emotion mixing in a world only we can see in our minds is fascinating.  For me, that dream in particular stopped me in my tracks.  The dream itself woke me up, intense enough that my heart pounded with genuine fear.  It stopped me again when I looked up common meanings of tornadoes in dreams.  I mentioned the overwhelm but it also hit on struggles with relationships and control.  Most people would struggle with this to a degree, I’m aware, but the timing of this is more than coincidental.  If we understand the universe to respond to us and that nothing happens by accident, then this is an accurate representation of something I need to address in the waking world.    

When I feel like I’m speaking a different language, people don’t understand me, Or I’m looking at people like they’re crazy because I don’t understand them, it feels like fight or flight, like I’m out of my skin.  I have to realize, they’re just as scattered as I am on the inside.  I’m sure we’ve all had the experience where we’re talking to someone and we are well aware the message just isn’t hitting home.  That hamster is going for a ride around the wheel and about to fly off.  But the state of the world now lives little room for anything but confusion and distraction and for people to try and keep up with the incessant barrage of change and speed and fear.  It can feel like we’re speaking different languages—and to a degree we are—but it make sense that we would because our minds are protecting us.  We feel like we’re behind or we don’t have the right thing to say but we don’t want to be rude so we say nothing.  Or far simpler, we can’t hear the person and we don’t want to ask them to repeat themselves a fourth time so we nod, missing the point.  We ALL feel this way.  So the point is this: we are trained to preserve and protect ourselves so we will do our best to feign knowledge and awareness but there are times the mind and body can’t keep up. 

I’m convinced this is how many of the most common disagreements start—we can’t keep up and we’re trying to make decisions while we are already depleted.  We don’t hear each other or we just want to respond and move on.  There are studies that show patients with hearing issues are more prone to dementia.  I understand that.  They aren’t able to sense or function with the world in a way so they are disconnected from what’s around them.  Their mind isn’t able to keep up because it isn’t working with the most current information.  So when we aren’t connecting with each other or fully speaking the same language, of course we misunderstand each other.  The human mind seeks to make sense of what it takes in through the senses and we are trained to make choices as quickly as possible so if we don’t have all the information of course we won’t be able to make the right choice—we won’t be speaking the same language because we’re operating with part of the story.  We have to remember that everyone feels like that at some point.  We all feel like we’re behind or that people don’t understand us. 

So instead of feeling like we are victims or misunderstood, take the time to truly understand what’s going on.  If we don’t fully understand something then make the effort to understand.  Ask the questions until we can get on the same page.  I’d rather have someone get angry at me for asking too many questions rather than assume I know something I don’t.  And look, we are human and misunderstandings will happen no matter what we do, that’s just the nature of it.  The key is when we start to feel like we are off or like something isn’t going how it should, it isn’t what we understood, we need to train ourselves that it’s ok to pause and put in a little bit of time to figure out what is going on.  Think about how frustrating it is when we can’t hear each other or when someone isn’t seeing a situation our way.  And you can’t tell me we all didn’t have that one time when we couldn’t see what the hell was on that “Magic Eye” drawing—it was frustrating to not see what other people could.  So we KNOW what that feels like.  So the next time we feel a certain way about something, take a breath and ask ourselves if there is some sort of misunderstanding occurring in that moment and what we can do to get to the root of the issue.  The sooner we speak the same language, the sooner we can arrive at the best conclusion for everyone.               

I watched a show on Netflix about a haunting someone experienced while at college (I still have a paranormal kick, it’s a guilty pleasure).  This person was an athlete on track to go to the Olympics, a steady student, disciplined, and stuck to the straight and narrow in all things so to say he was used to order is a bit of an understatement.  During the interviews, his father made a comment to the effect that the sense of order that comes from self-discipline gives a sense of safety. All of the structure we build in our lives including our routines gives us a sense of accomplishment and safety because we know what’s coming.  We know what to expect and we know how to handle it.  Regardless of this being in reference to a paranormal experience, that quote stood out.  We create routine for a sense of safety.  Routines developed over time for myriad of reasons—a time to plant and harvest the appropriate things, time to find safety, time to find work, a way to accommodate work and education, and even the systems we have in place around finances, education, healthcare, politics, etc.  All those systems exist to establish control and order.  Then we develop our individual systems to give us that sense of control in our own lives and without it, we get a little wonky.

From a mental health perspective, I go back and forth on the relevance of systems because I can see it going either way.  They’re either highly useful or they quickly become destructive.  Systems outside of ourselves tend to benefit the system itself while the systems we create can be highly beneficial.  But in either scenario (internal or external systems) we do it because we feel safe.  When we have a sense of order we feel like we’re in control and that makes us feel safe.  We may not even realize that safety is what we’ve been seeking—some of us like to know the answers because we like to know things without realizing the underlying implication that we are in control of things that happen outside of us.  The thing about unexpected experiences is that they show us what we DO have control over: our emotions and thoughts.  We don’t have to react to everything immediately.  We can take a step back, take a beat and realize how temporary our feelings are and make a decision about what we actually want to do versus what we think we have to do.  And if we really think about it, THAT is actually how we create safety. We demonstrate understanding and thought in the actions we take.  Sure, we are all human and we all have those moments where we legitimately have to act right then and there or where our emotions do get the best of us—but we don’t operate like that on a daily basis.

We establish our routines when we have a goal in mind and we know the steps we need to take to get there.  The level of discipline that follows can be an indicator of how far we would get on that journey toward the goal.  The sense of safety we feel isn’t necessarily from control, it’s from learning that we are capable of handling ourselves in any situation.  So this story in particular was interesting because it took place while in college—a time when we transition to adulthood and learn how to handle ourselves, we learn how to solve our own problems, learn what we like and don’t like, learn what it means to take responsibility for ourselves.  If we can establish discipline over our emotions in those scenarios, then we can do it anywhere.  When unexpected things come up, we learn to adapt the routine or change it as appropriate and sometimes our lives go in directions we didn’t anticipate.  We fall short of the goal.  But in most cases, if we really look back and think about it, we always ended up exactly where we needed to regardless.  So discipline has a time and a place as does routine—but we must remember that the only discipline that really matters is the discipline we have over ourselves and how we answer the call of what we are meant to do, how we handle setbacks, how we pivot, and how we approach the next goals.  Safety comes from knowing how to handle ourselves and following through.  That’s how we can handle anything that comes our way.

Some people say they want to be saved but they don’t want to change.  We can’t be saved without changing…something.  We’ve all seen the stories of heroes rushing in to save the day, beating all odds at the last minute.  We’ve heard the fairy tales of the princes rescuing the fair maidens and changing their lives.  They so often don’t talk about the AFTER.  How long did that last?  Because when we have a whole new life to work with, we have to make some changes to maintain it.  Some people say they want to change but they sit and wait for that prince to come rescue them—we have to be our own savior even if we need a little help sometimes.  Saving ourselves means making a change.  If something isn’t working in our current circumstances, then repeating them thinking things will change is pointless.  There comes a point when we are responsible for the outcome and that is based not only on what we choose, but on what we do.  This is why when we make resolutions or promises tied to something outside of ourselves, something arbitrary like how we look, that change won’t last.  First, we need to MAKE the effort, and then we need to tie our effort to how we feel.    

Look, change is work no matter how we look at it.  Sometimes it’s easier than others, but the bottom line is there has to be some effort to accommodate the new work we’re doing and the new life we’re trying to live whether it’s taking a class, starting a new job, a willingness to be vulnerable in learning, or being honest and taking a stand. Only that work will make the shift we are looking for.  And I love Fairy Tales as much as the next girl but there is no prince coming to save any of us.  We have to do the work.  And here’s the other thing some people need to learn to accept: we don’t necessarily need saving, we may ONLY need to change. Change, while scary, may be the only thing required to shift us from where we are to where we want to go.  One shift in habit may be the key to unlocking an entirely new world.  One choice in favor of what you want to do can turn everything around.  One moment of restraint in our words can demonstrate the power we never thought we had.  One breath of hope can be the fuel we need to keep going.  Not one of those things came from someone else—we are ultimately the heroes of our stories and we don’t have to wait to be saved.  We don’t need to be saved—we need to be savvy and to remember who we are.

This is a reminder of the power each one of us has in our lives.  Sitting around waiting for something to magically put us where we belong, hoping that our suffering is going to awaken some sort of urge in others, or constantly choosing to repeat the same detrimental patterns thinking someone else will change are surefire ways to let all that power go.  I want to reiterate that there are obviously times we will need help or we may need motivation from someone to get started—but no one will do the work for us.  There comes a point where we need to take responsibility and accept our choices—and accept the fact that we are here because of our choices.  That means we have the ability to choose again and we get to start over.  We get to remember how we feel and what we want and what we are capable of and we can make the shifts necessary to either get back on track or shift.  No one will do that for us.  There’s a saying I shared years ago about how if we don’t like where we are, move, because we aren’t trees.  I learned at that time that there ARE in fact some trees that move.  So the lesson is NOTHING stays the same forever (even if we don’t get to witness it) so if we need to make a change, don’t wait for someone to change for us or for someone to hand us what we want: go for it. We HAVE the power and gifts, we just need to DO something with them.  

“If you miss me, just remember I’m as far as you pushed me.  You didn’t lose me in one moment, you lost me daily,” Jay Douglas. We can only do so much to maintain relationships.  We need to recognize when the effort is simply not worth it when it isn’t reciprocated.  Relationships aren’t always 50/50—some days we need it to be 70/30 or even 90/10—but for the people who never respond or are all too comfortable taking 100, or they’re only around when they need something, that puts us at the point where we need to walk away.  It isn’t selfish, it’s self-preservation.  It isn’t our responsibility to mend relationships with people who have no interest in being a partner to us.  It’s ok to set the boundary without guilt and it’s ok to acknowledge that some people aren’t our people. What we allow is what enters our lives, no one will protect or respect that boundary unless we create and enforce it.  I’m not saying we need to build a fortress, we just need to know our limits.  Also remember that what we resist persists—like, pushing people to be who we think they are will never work. If we constantly try to make that person be who we want them to be, the further they will push away from us.  We have to accept people are who they show us they are.

I’ve heard from a few people lately that they miss me while my door has been open the entire time.  I’ve seen them walk past, pretending they couldn’t see it or that they couldn’t hear me responding to them.  I’ve reached out to these same people asking for connection to hear nothing in return.  Yet when we are in situations where we have no choice but to be with each other, suddenly they miss me.  It’s funny that the entire time the way was open and I’d gone more than half way and you weren’t there.  Seems like missing someone would warrant making a little effort.  Relationships don’t break down overnight and they don’t disintegrate because of one person, either.  No relationship is effortless, but they also don’t require one person to exhaust themselves or lose themselves in accommodating the other.  Our lives aren’t meant to be spent pleasing others and folding ourselves into little boxes to make people accept us.  So when it comes to missing people, if that relationship is worth it, then we make the effort to miss them less by reaching out, extending the hand to make sure they know we are there.  I had to get over feeling like I was intruding on those I loved when I wanted to speak with them.  If I wanted contact, I needed to pick up the phone—so I know it works and that’s why I was always cognizant of keeping myself open for communication. 

We are not obligated to blur our boundaries or become something else to keep a relationship.  I found my best friend when I was 6 years old and to this day I am still reminded nearly every time we talk WHY we are best friends. There is no comparison to that person who just GETS it—and I am forever grateful to her because she helped me remember what it means to value those we care for and that it isn’t our job to be liked by everyone.  That person who has the same wild fear of flying over water because they might get eaten by some sea creature….I mean, not having to explain that is priceless.  There are just those people who require 0 explanation for anything that goes through your mind because they are already on the same frequency, they match your energy.  The body knows this and it knows when there are those who DON’T match our vibe.  They don’t even match what they say.  The people who claim they miss us yet do nothing to rectify it when there is every opportunity to do so don’t match that vibration.  We can say whatever we want to, it’s what we do and feel that shows what we really mean.  So if there is a fracture in a relationship and we’ve done our part to repair it, it’s safe to say the other party might need to put in some effort. We are only as far as we keep people and vice versa.  Don’t go chasing people, trying to force them to walk through an open door.  If they keep walking, let them.

Today I am grateful for signs.  I enjoy having a lot of positive, inspirational things around me including positive words from writers I enjoy.  In classic me fashion, I tend to overcommit and I don’t always get to read all the newsletters I sign up for in a timely manner.  The other day I was in my email and I saw one that talked about being meant to hear these words today. It happened to be one of the newsletters that I normally would put on the back burner for later, but I felt in my heart that I needed to look at it then, it was something that called to me.  I looked at it and the writer had an interview with another writer and the name was familiar—when she said the name of the book I realized it was a book I’ve had for years and used to read quite often but hadn’t for a while.  So the message of the newsletter was great but I ended up picking up that book to see what THAT message was for the day and it ended up being a reminder about confidence and knowing who we are—which is exactly what MY writing had been about the two previous days.  We have to remember the universe is ALWAYS talking to us—we just have to remember to slow down and listen.  We also have to remember that the universe speaks to us in the language and frequency we put out so if we really pay attention, we know what it’s telling us.  I knew I was supposed to open that newsletter that day, I knew I was supposed to pick up that book again, and I know that I am meant to continue my work, step by step whether I see the end or not.  This is where I’m meant to be.

Today I am grateful for reminders to focus on my creativity and the things that bring me joy.  I’ve been struggling with a project I’ve been working on for over a year.  It’s not turning out how I want it to and the stories and pieces I’m putting together aren’t the full truth of what happened.  Some of it had to change for specific reasons but there are other parts that just don’t feel like the story I needed to tell—they don’t seem like my life.  And I realized that if I’m going to share my story, it needs to be my story.  So all the time I’ve put into this and now there comes another pivot.  But what brings me back to focus is I received a call from my manager and her asking where I was at with the work and me not really being able to tell her what was going on.  And it hit me that I’m overcomplicating the entire situation.  I just need to get in and do the work, tell the story and then worry about the rest later.  Just tell the story.  Find the pieces that I want to share and let it out. Trying to make it palatable to others or simply sharing the information isn’t going to cut it.  I need to share what is in my heart and remember the point of what I and why I wanted to share it in the first place.  So, even this far in, it’s fine to reset and get back to the work that makes me happy.  It’s time to start again. 

Today I am grateful for communication.  Most of my day is spent working through work projects and problems that arise related to my applications. If I have time to address my own projects or get a few things done around the house in between, I do.  But most of my day is spent alone, creating my own schedule and doing what I feel I need to.  I don’t get to spend a lot of time just chit-chatting anymore.  So I got a call from an acquaintance whom I normally don’t spend a ton of time speaking with because we kind of have different involvement on the periphery of the same friend group.  She’s constantly busy with work and has a lot of involvement in her kids’ activities and I work a lot whether on my projects or my 9-5.  So when she called, I wasn’t entirely expecting it.  We were trying to coordinate the kids getting together earlier that day and I had just expected a quick text about what the plan was but she called while at an event for her daughter and we ended up speaking for about an hour.  It was nice to have a conversation with another adult about something outside of the house and to take a little bit of time to learn more about each other.  Our kids have gone to school together for four years and we’ve been at the same activities together but we haven’t spent too much time together outside of those events.  It was nice to feel like I had someone else to connect with especially with everything that’s been happening the last several months.  Sometimes we just need to talk. 

Today I am grateful for unexpected reconnections. Like a lot of people, my family relationships, specifically with the extended family is somewhat strained.  Most of that comes from what others have told us and what we’ve been brought up to believe, adopting other people’s feelings toward each other.  It’s ridiculous.  We were close when we were kids and we let the talk of our parents and others sink into our minds and then life hit and we were all distracted by the things we had to do and the lives we chose.  There are some people I haven’t spoken to in years and I hate that because we weren’t like that as children and I have experienced losing family unexpectedly so I should know better than to allow the habit of not speaking to each other continue.  There was an incident with my uncle the other day and I knew it was time to reach out to my cousin to hash out what needed to be said—we are the adults now, we don’t have to abide by what our parents said 30 years ago.  We ended up talking for over an hour and it is so obvious that we are in different places than we were 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago.  Sure, there are some old habits and fears that linger, but we are healthy, capable adults and it’s time for us to take responsibility moving forward—and to understand that what I saw and was told all those years ago was crap.  We can start over now.  If we want to connect to people, just do it.  Pick up the phone because we never know how much time we have.  Don’t waste it.

Today I am grateful for understanding we live in a 24/7 world.  These last 6 months I’ve had to rearrange my schedule numerous times as I’ve adapted to a new role.  Like any other human on Earth, I have competing priorities and things I want to do so I have set times that I like to put toward specific things—with my new role, I’ve had to learn to shift my idea of work time and what my role means. That’s not a bad thing, I’m just saying for someone who focused on “work is this time,” “exercise is this time,” “dinner is this time,” learning to shift and pivot to understanding what was required of me and when took me a minute.  I recently had to adapt again and this time really made me consider what my work day is.  This role isn’t strictly 9-5 but it also isn’t 24/7 (not quite at least).  But the world we live in IS 24/7.  There are different patterns and life at different times and certain needs come in at different times of the day.  Problems don’t always happen between 9-5. Family time isn’t always on nights and weekends.  We must adapt to what’s happening right in front of us.  Sure we can plan and we can stick to what we know but that doesn’t mean things won’t come up and we get called into the fire so to speak.  As much as I’m trying and have been trying to establish routine, I understand now that I am privileged to work from home and my availability and my choice to when I work is different now.  And that is a whole new sense of freedom.    

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

When I think about legacy, I think about what people generations from now will think of me.  Will I even be known?  Frankly, if this is after my time, does it even matter?  In my younger days I was far more secure in my knowledge of the world because that knowledge revolved around what already happened.  I thought I knew it all and could make choices based on what I saw and what I felt.  If only it were that simple.  There were times I thought I made a stand for something when in reality I just made a scene—and that is not the legacy I want to leave behind.  It can be a fine line between notoriety and notorious and my goal was never to be known as anything but a conduit for change, a smart person who understood what needed to be done and was instrumental in arriving at a mutually beneficial outcome for everyone.  I wanted to be a problem solver and someone to help shift things so they were better for everyone.  I mean the goal wasn’t to be remembered but it also wasn’t to be nothing—I wanted to have enough of an impact now that I could put the voices of others’ criticism behind me, secure in who I was.  I wanted to just do something I found valuable that provided value to others.

I fell into the trap of getting caught up in what other people thought I was.  I spent more time trying to convince them to look beyond my appearance to see what I was inside than I did focusing on my work—to stop looking at my stature and realize how big my ideas were.  I thought people had to believe in me BEFORE I did anything of value, that they needed to take me seriously so I could do serious things.  I deferred to too many people whether they were the adults around me, trying to make them proud, or my peers, trying to make them accept me.  It created instability in my own sense of self that lasted long into adulthood.  I still feel the pull of that at times.  Now as I’m getting older, I do think a bit more about my legacy.  Watching our numbers grow smaller as our friends and family leave or pass away puts a different light on the future.  We start to see that we, too will face that inevitable conclusion some day and that begs the question what do we do with our time?    

I worried so often about what people thought of me and learned the hard way that anything I did meant absolutely nothing—not getting chosen for the awards, not being asked to dance, being remembered as a suck up rather than top of my class, being passed over for job opportunities. That’s the other side of this: we don’t always have a say in how we are remembered or perceived by people.  Our legacy will be whatever future generations make it, some fabled story from once upon a time that either ended in triumph or disaster.  No one talks about the fact that for the majority of us we don’t live in the extremes of good or bad.  Some people may want us to live like that or may function with that belief, that but the majority of our day is spent simply BEING.  I wasted a lot of time trying to get people to see me in a certain way, and even while I’m still here that was misinterpreted. I can only imagine the future, either fading away or being remembered as nothing close to who I am.  And the truth is if we are trying to make an impact while we are here, we don’t need to move the whole mountain—the stone makes a ripple too.  Our existence is enough to make an impact now—we have no say in what happens in the future—so just live now. 

Your body can’t go where your mind hasn’t been and the mind won’t go where it doesn’t feel safe.  I’m stubborn.  I repeat mistakes until I’m damn well sure that it isn’t going to work.  I stick with things long past their prime.  I save things that have no business being saved.  I try to keep the past present because that means nothing has changed and I’m not dealing with my fears of losing people I love.  This is partially anxiety, partially control, partially depression and fear.  No matter what it is, though, the result is the same—there’s no forward movement in constantly repeating the past.  There’s no progress in constantly trying to make people comfortable.  If the only time we feel safe is when we contort ourselves to whatever is needed in the moment, then we are never truly safe within ourselves.  We will never successfully feel safe until we are secure in ourselves and until we are secure, we will never trust our choices and abilities that help us move forward.  And here’s the thing: we need vision and dreams to see the potential of what may come, but just because we can see it doesn’t mean that we are aligned to experience it.  I fully believe we need to see it but we also need to be in a vibrational match with it to experience whatever it is we are looking for.

Healing takes time, focus, patience, and honesty.  It takes a willingness to go back to the root of our pain (or even just the problem) over and over again until it’s removed.  It’s not a one and done thing n some cases.  It’s easy to feel like something is wrong with us when we are triggered by something we thought we addressed but the fact that we are human and have to practice recognizing what we feel doesn’t mean anything is wrong with us.  It just means that there was more to the situation that needs to be looked at.  Sometimes it means that we need to look at the situation from a different angle—or that perhaps what we thought was the issue wasn’t quite it.  I’m not fully convinced there are things we can’t get over (so to speak) but there are things that are more than challenging in their own right.  These are the things that keep us locked in old habits.  They keep us small and afraid of what could be next. They make us believe that we aren’t capable of doing what we want to do.  Until we face those demons and do the work to trust ourselves, we can’t possibly find that safety.  Looking for it in others isn’t realistic either.  Humans change their minds as they change so our safety can’t be contingent on someone else.  Our foundation comes from us.

Wanting something is only part of the deal when it comes to creating the life we want.  We need to be crystal clear on the what and flexible on the how.  We must be ready and open to receive what we ask for and that means doing the work of clearing the obstacles in our path—especially those in our minds.  We have to identify what it is that stops us from becoming the person who has what we say we want.  If we can’t see ourselves there, we will never get there because that vision tells us the frequency we need to be on to match that energy.  The body won’t feel right when we don’t feel safe.  The body responds to vibration and what it knows because that is comfort in familiarity.  We can day dream all we want, the mind has no shortage of imagination.  But actually taking the leap means we have removed the barriers stopping us and we can become a match for what we want.  The entire world opens up when we manage our thoughts and emotions because we recognize the power of the mind.  We have created security in our ability to navigate through whatever comes our way while keeping the goal clear.  If things feel a little stuck right now, take the time to evaluate if there just might be some old feelings holding us back.  As soon as we get on track, there is nowhere we can’t go, no energy from our mind and vision that we can’t match with our body.  

My husband and I have been talking about replacing our Christmas Tree for the last couple of years.  The tree is 35/36 years old but has been so well maintained over the years that you wouldn’t guess it looking at it.  Over the years, some of the points on the branches have started to weaken and last year we lost a few more and it was apparent the top most branch to which we’d secure the star wouldn’t handle it any longer. I relented and agreed to start looking at trees this year because I’m not quite ready to give her up yet.  We spent the day going to a few places to find some options (I’m looking for some thing very specific) and then we had to stop by my parents house.  We got into our home town and decided to take our son to a local restaurant for a late lunch.  When we walked in we were greeted by a girl we’d gone to school with since kindergarten.  The entire situation was surreal.  I was simultaneously transported back to grade school then high school in that moment.  We have all lived such different lives and chosen different paths, many of us not on the path we thought we’d be.  But we’re all here.  Nothing is perfect for any of us but we are all still here, still surviving.  We’re all at different stages of the game and can’t judge others for where they are at. 

We all do what we have to do and the truth is, we all have to do our best.  We never know what the right answer is and we often wouldn’t know it until after the fact regardless.  Life is a roller coaster, a journey.  Seeing her brought me down the path of everything I’ve been through, right back to grade school, then realizing how far we are from that place.  How much time I’ve wasted in that place.  How I’ve tried to move on from things that constantly seem to find me no matter what I do.  Seeing this woman who was a part of our past wasn’t a bad thing by any means, but it took me back to a place that wasn’t always fun for me.  Coupled with the fact that the town itself is changing and so many things are different from what they were kind of threw me for a loop.  It was like this altered reality where I knew where I was but it was entirely different at the same time.  A reminder that time marches on and we are now of a different generation.  We were once the kids coming into that place on our lunch hour during high school and now we are parents ourselves.  It’s a trip to feel so old and so young.  They never tell you growing old feels like an alternate reality.

I completely spun out for a little bit and even felt a bit out of body, dizzy in my seat as I waited for my chicken sandwich.  Something so simple as getting food with my family turned into my mind racing through my entire life questioning how I got here and what comes next.  Yeah, I know , I have to get a grip.  But life is like that: Sometimes things show up we could never expect and it puts us in a mindset we weren’t prepared for.  Sometimes those things are there to bring us into the present or to teach us something we needed to know.  In fact, I’m certain of it.  The more uncomfortable we feel, the bigger the lesson is or the more important it is to learn the lesson.  Truthfully, I don’t know what that experience was supposed to tell us exactly, but it showed me how things change.  Things ALWAYS change and that is the natural evolution/course of life.  We’re all doing our best, no one really feels like they have it together.  Our kids look at us as if we know what we’re doing and there are days I still feel like I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  Life is funny that way.  Who knew giving up a childhood holiday hallmark would bring about so many conflicting things.  Perhaps the gift and the lesson is that those pieces of us never really leave—who we were, that light, that child, that hope, that joy—that is all there inside.  No matter what we’ve experienced and chosen in our lives, those pieces of our past are always there.  It’s how we make peace with them and bring them to light that counts. 

A reminder: throughout history (and personal experience) I’ve never seen nor heard a single person regret going for their dreams.  I love watching baking shows, especially the shows with hyper-realistic cakes.  I admire their talent so much—those were not skills I’ve been gifted and it is truly a joy to watch.  Regardless, it hit me: these people are making huge sums of money doing what they love and that is making CAKE.  This isn’t life-saving, earth- shattering stuff we’re talking about—but this is a craft that changed the lives of these people and allowed them to be happy as well as give happiness to others. The truth is the money mattered very little.  These people found their element and found the full expression of who they are.  And that’s when it hit me, and as I started this piece: no one has ever regretted going for their dreams.  No, not everything pans out how we think it will, but that doesn’t mean we don’t learn something from it.  We learn more about who we are and what we can do for others. 

So, we’ve spoken about it before, but this is a reminder for everyone:  no matter what it is, go for what brings joy in your life because that joy will undoubtedly spread and infect others with the love and happiness felt from being in our element.  Life isn’t about conforming to what people tell us, it isn’t about how much we make from doing what we love—money is not the indicator of success.  How aligned with who we are and what we love, how fully we express ourselves, how we use our gifts and talents to help others, how we spend our time with those we love—THAT is true success.  It doesn’t matter what it is.  Running.  Carving wood.  Reading.  Writing.  Painting.  Singing.  Healing.  Protecting.  Guiding.  Teaching.  Cooking.  All of these things create an opportunity for others to find truth in themselves.  So remember, those gifts we have aren’t solely for ourselves.  We are meant to share them wherever we go.  Let them eat cake (while historically inaccurate) brings new meaning—it means let people be the fullest expressions of who they are.  Ourselves included.