“Until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains unawakened,”  Anatole France.  It’s a true story.  I wanted to dive a little more into the Goat Yoga experience from this past weekend.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Animals truly are a gift and they sense all we are going through all the time. Some may be more intuitive than others, but they all know.  This experience with goats, specifically goats we had never met before, shows me how intuitive animals are, how they just know and that we need to trust our own instincts more.  One of the women we were with joked that she wasn’t exceptionally flexible and that she had gotten her period right before we started everything so she didn’t think she would be able to do the yoga.  One of the goats promptly curled up in front of her on the mat and just wanted her to hang out.  She didn’t let her participate—it was her way of saying that it was fine to just listen to your body and chill.  Be present with the animals and to remember our own animal nature.  It’s necessary to listen to that instinct. 

I have always loved animals and I’ve had animals around me my entire life.  Everything from frogs, turtles, and iguanas, to guinea pigs, hamsters, rabbits, and chinchillas, to tarantulas and hermit crabs, to cats and dogs. I’ve always been fascinated with large animals as well like cows, goats, sheep, pigs all the way up to my favorite, the big cats and elephants.  The running joke (I may or may not have shared this before) is that I will die petting something I shouldn’t….and it’s probably more true than I like to admit even though I know I’d respect boundaries.  I understand animals more than I do humans and that’s because animals don’t lie.  Animals don’t seek to hurt others for their own benefit outside of survival.  Animals don’t play these games where they seek power over others simply to make them do their bidding.  Animals act on what is best for all and for the survival of all.  So the chance to connect in such an unusual way meant something.  Like, you can hang out with goats and you can do yoga.  But what is the point of bringing a goat in while you do yoga?

Truth be told there was no point to it—you won’t find goats doing yoga in nature.  You will, however, find them hanging out with each other, browsing around, seeking attention and pets every now and then but fully content to just go on their way and may be butt a few heads every now and then.  But this experience was about finding that animal in us again and allowing it to be, allowing it to calm.  It was simply a matter of establishing presence in the midst of distraction with animals that are just being animals.  We too are animals.  There were people in the group who took the yoga part super seriously—and that’s fine, we were there for a class—but they got ticked when the animals peed or pooped as if that part of them should have been put on hold because we paid for a class.  They are animals and they weren’t there by choice, but they were still present and doing their goat thing.  Animals remind us that all the time.  Even if we aren’t somewhere by choice, we can still be present and do what we need to do.  And if we are there by choice, then make sure we are fully present in who we are.  We just need to accept ourselves as we are, love ourselves unconditionally like we would the animals we surround ourselves with, and remember to let life be. 

I no longer expect that people understand what I need.  I opened my heart and soul to people dozens of times, hundreds of times, to be left standing wanting.  I’m also not going to pretend I understand what people need because I’ve been bold/annoying enough that I thought I knew what others needed, that I could read them, that I understood how the mind “really” worked only to be proven completely wrong.  My husband’s needs are different than mine, my friend’s needs are different than mine or each other’s.  Even if we think we need the same thing (in some cases we do) we may need them done differently.  I don’t need to spend $50.00 on a lunch for myself when I can easily accomplish what I want with something far cheaper.  I don’t need to spend $100’s on a single outfit when I can get an entire wardrobe for the same amount.  So not only are the needs different, the way we meet them is also different.    

We all have different priorities and for me, sanity is top.  Happiness is up there but that often only comes with sanity.  I know happiness can be fleeting depending on what we are doing, but it is often a goal.  I think we mistake the idea is that achieving the goal is what makes us happy when we really need to see that it’s how we approach things that make us happy.  We can approach anything with the goal of being happy and regardless of the outcome, we will still be happy.  If we are focused and clear on our driving factors, it’s much easier to keep perspective on the things that feel good/what makes us happy.  People aren’t designed to make others happy, rather we are designed to work together to make things happier for all.  It is human nature to approach things in different ways even if we have the same goal in mind.  My happiness isn’t contingent on doing it my way, rather on achieving the goal.  And even if we don’t achieve the goal, I’m happy if we formed a positive relationship and worked together well, if we learned something. Experience is valuable because it shows us what we need.  It shows us what feels right and it shows us what will and won’t work on our path.  There is nothing wrong with needing different things or even wanting different things.  My life in this moment is testament to the need for change.  I knew I needed to change and it took a while to get here, but once it was here, let me tell you, it’s nearly a complete overhaul.  New job, new hair, new clothes, redoing the house, helping my husband find what works for him, new attitude about money, new attitude about faith, taking chances, and learning confidence.  I knew I needed to make those changes and I knew that they were all the steps I had to take to get to the overall change in my life I was looking for: putting me back in the driver’s seat and working toward the goals I’ve put on pause for too long.  Action is the thing that drives people forward.  Even if it seems counterintuitive, even if it feels like moving backwards at times—my soul knew what I needed to match the reality a long time ago.  I don’t need to imitate what others want to be happy—I just need to listen to my heart and take action on it and that will get me where I need to go.  Sane.  Centered. Focused.  And most importantly, aware of who I am and what I need to do. That isn’t for anyone else to tell me—I already know.  And so do you.

I thought I could flip a switch and all would be fine, that I’d be indoctrinated into this new world, this new work and that I would flow through my days effortlessly because that was what I wanted.  I thought I had the answers about what my days would look like right off the bat.  That isn’t what’s happening.  I’m not naïve enough to believe I wouldn’t have had adjustments to make or growing pains—this is an entirely new lifestyle for me—but the issues I thought I’d never struggle with are the ones that seem to get to me.  Like, I always thought I’d just float through my days with no issues, knowing exactly what to do, my time scheduled but relaxed, perfectly planned to be effortless.  Instead this feels a bit like ai got a flat tire and need to pull over, figure out how to change it but all I have is the donut, not a full sized spare—so I can keep moving but it isn’t quite a right fit yet.  And that’s ok.  I know this is an adjustment period.  I am so blessed that I got nearly exactly what I was asking for.  Doesn’t mean I don’t still need to adapt or get used to it, it’s just my expectation was that I would automatically slide into this new life. 

This is almost recovery mode.  I spent years working in an environment that made it clear we were meant to be available 24/7 even for the things that had nothing to do with us.  We needed to be prepared for anything, even the stuff that didn’t fall under our scope.  We were supposed to be proactive and know what other leaders needed before they needed it.  The new work is nowhere near the pace of what I used to do, and it’s hard to slow that down.  I’m constantly looking for the next expectation, the next thing I “have to” do.  I’m learning and incorporating new skills and that always feels clunky at first.  I find that I’m struggling to “know” what I need to do next.  I eventually figure it out, it just takes a minute to orient myself after each task, to find what I should or could be doing.  I also struggle with ADD so being home (which is torn up from construction) has a different level of anxiety about it.  I find myself wanting to get everything done all at once and then getting overwhelmed with how much needs to be done—so I do nothing. 

The whole  point is that sometimes, even in the changes we want to make, there is difficulty in adapting.  It doesn’t go as smoothly as we think it will even if we’ve envisioned it .  It was like when we moved into this house.  We love the house and it has all we could ask for but some of the features were different than our townhome—we were giving up some decent features there.  It felt like we had to start all over again—and the truth is that is exactly what we were doing.  We had to learn to find our footing in this new environment, to find who we are here—even if most of us stayed the same.  But we have to learn to settle into the new.  We have to learn to work differently, to operate differently.  So even the changes we ask for come with some growing pains.  And it’s ok.  we aren’t meant to be like a light switch or a book—we’re off/on or we’re on one chapter and then the next.  There is a transition period.  So give it time—it takes a minute to get comfortable shedding what we used to carry all the time, to adapt to new clothes so to speak.  Just keep going because the pieces will fall into place and we will adapt to the point where what was a dream now feels natural in this reality.

If you can’t change the people around you, then change the people around you.  It’s important to know the difference.  We can never truly change someone—we can only ever change ourselves.  That isn’t to say that we don’t naturally shift when we are in proximity to one another.  We can soften or sharpen our edges depending on who we surround ourselves with—but the point is we change.  We all know those people who stubbornly persist in being who they are no matter what’s happening, those who refuse to acknowledge when they are outright in the wrong, those who believe they can do no wrong—the ones who believe, proverbially, their shit doesn’t stink.  Those relationships are nearly impossible to navigate.  Someone always ends up losing and it is often the person trying to adapt.  Part of maturing, part of life is understanding when we can’t do anything about where we are at—so we need to change where we are at.  There are times it’s simply a matter of need for change, it isn’t personal.  And other times it’s a matter of understanding the people around us aren’t conducive to our growth any longer.

This is in the same vein as talking about the value of our effort on Saturday.  Is it really worth it to try and fight people as they are, to try and change them?  Most of the time people will resist and run from that anyway—we can all feel when someone is manipulating us into something we aren’t or into doing something we don’t want to do.  So the choice becomes clear: we can either put up with it or we can move on and spend our energy better elsewhere. Truth be told that has nothing to do with difficulty of the task, it’s more about knowing when the effort simply will not pay off, when we won’t be able to make a change anyway.  I’m fortunate enough to understand that I needed to change my environment at my 9-5.  For a long time it felt like a contentious environment—and it was.  But over time we navigated through a lot of that and we got beyond the point of frustration with each other.  We even formed a real bond.  But I still knew that the work and the environment wasn’t getting me where I wanted to be.  The projects I wanted to work on, even at the 9-5, weren’t allowed to take off. My focus was everywhere but where I wanted it to be.   So an opportunity for something more conducive to what I want to do long term arrived and I took it.

This isn’t to say it was an easy change.  As I said, the dynamic in relationships changes and it isn’t necessarily animosity or anger that make us need to change our environment. Sometimes we simply outgrow each other.  Or we see we need someone to sharpen those edges instead of soften them or vice versa.  So while it isn’t easy, I will say that taking a page from my own book and making the leap into something new has paid off.  I have moments of confusion (we’ll talk about that this week) and even discomfort, but I know that the change is for the best.  No one could make me do that, no one could bring about that type of change in my life.  I needed to be open to it and ready for it and I had to see where the benefit for redirecting my energy would fall.  But when things come to us, sometimes we simply have to take the leap, take the chance, and go for it while it’s there.  I know I’ve turned down many opportunities to change because I thought it wasn’t the right time or that it wasn’t really meant for me.  This time even had a little of that as well—I wasn’t sure it was going to be a good fit or work.  But I’m learning that sometimes those leaps don’t feel right at first—we just need time to adapt.  So I’m not only changing the people around me, I’m changing myself as well.  Here’s to new adventures.

We’re keeping it nice and easy today.

Today I am grateful for fun

Today I am grateful for taking back my life

Today I am grateful for time with my family and love

Today I am grateful for the opportunity to be me

Today I am grateful to understand what I need, who I need in my life.

This year let’s stop choosing what we pursue based on how hard it is, but on whether or not it’s worth it.  Let’s stop jumping from thing to thing until something takes off and let’s focus on what needs to be done to accomplish what we’re trying to do—and to do it to the best of our ability.  No one here needs to be told that life is hard at times, but we also need to stop thinking all we do needs to be hard.  We have to reframe how we look at work, purpose, and effort.  Of course we like the idea of getting the most for the least amount of effort but life doesn’t work like that.  Nothing truly great came from sitting on our asses and settling for what came our way.  But it is also true that nothing truly great came from obsessing over an outcome and never letting go of it like an unrelenting drive to work 24/7.  In both scenarios we burn out and miss the point.  Let’s figure out our pursuits based on what clicks for us.  On what makes sense for us.  What I will say is that we can’t operate on whims, constantly shifting goals and tracks right in the middle of something else.  Nothing gets done that way.  We also can’t have such a hard focus on making things right and doing them at the right time that we paralyze ourselves in the details.

Challenging things aren’t always fun but if we are really honest with ourselves, neither are the easy things.  Just because we can mark something off of our list doesn’t mean that we accomplished something worthwhile.  The point isn’t to complete the list, it’s to design a life that has no list.  That flows and naturally guides us to what we need to do next.  I understand that sometimes even that isn’t fun because even in flow we can find ourselves in some pretty tough situations.  Humans have a habit of misjudging things, though.  What we think will be hard often proves to be simpler than we made it out to be and those things we thought we’d mark off the list in no time turn out to be far more complex.  That is the nature of life.  So if we tend to be a little wonky in judging the difficulty level of something, then we have no choice but to start looking at the value in expending our energy on it.  It becomes less about how challenging it is, and more about what needs to be done to close the gap to accomplish the goal. The pursuit always needs to be the goal, not the effort it takes to get it.  If we want something, let that be the driving factor. Even then life can still throw us for a loop but that doesn’t mean give up.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve felt the shift in my direction of thought and purpose.  I have these goals, these things I want to do and I plan it out every year—and in this time, I’ve accomplished very little of what I set out to do.  It’s something that I actually do carry shame and fear about because these goals are near and dear to me, it’s not like I’m randomly picking something.  These are important pursuits for me. I can say that I’m proud I’ve still stuck with them because I can see where some of the effort I’ve put in over this time has started to pay off.  But if I had simply given up and stopped doing what I wanted because it wasn’t happening, then I wouldn’t be here now.  Is it where I want to be?  Not quite, but I’m a hell of a lot closer than I was.  Sometimes we have to learn to refine and define our efforts better instead of completely shifting course.  We have to stick with what our gut tells us—we are drawn in that direction for a reason.  I’m not saying to not use discernment and trust that when something isn’t working despite our efforts that we need to give it up—that may be true, we may have to stop something we thought we really wanted.  But I am saying to work with enough clarity to evaluate our choices and understand the drive behind starting something.  Go for it if that is what calls us—we will find a way to get it done.    

Recipe for massive failure: have higher expectations for others than you do yourself.  I don’t remember where I saw this one but I think this is an important reminder for everyone in this day and age.  Our society lends itself toward martyrdom and victimhood, thinking that everything is an attack up to and including expressing our beliefs.  We somehow feel we are authorities on everything, like our opinions and feelings matter more than the facts.  Anyone who reads my work knows that I value opinion and feeling but I look at them as tools.  I’ve spent nearly 4 decades dealing with the fallout of letting feelings, feelings about emotion, and opinion run my life and I can speak from experience that this is a surefire way to be disappointed by people.  When we look to be hurt, we will be hurt because we allow ourselves to feel we are hurt no matter what happens.  It isn’t up to people to live up to our expectations because we have an opinion on how people should live.  If I feel like someone should behave a certain way, if I expect them to react how I do, then I’m set up for disappointment from the start.

I won’t, for a single second, say that humans are rational creatures but I know they are capable of rationality, perhaps even up to a near Vulcan level where emotion plays no part.  But I also know that we worry about everything, we try to plan ahead, we try to know the answers to everything so we don’t get hurt.  Life doesn’t work like that and we can’t control what others do.  I’ve been on the receiving end of irrational reactions to the point where a single difference of opinion led to the end of a friendship in spite of years of openness, kindness, and generosity.  I’ve actually done the same thing because I expected more out of someone and when they showed signs of behavior that I didn’t like or behavior that reminded me too much of what had hurt me before, I didn’t hesitate to cut them out.  Some of those bridges I honestly had no issue putting the match to.  Some of them I realize I could have handled the situation better. After time, I see the only thing I could have controlled in any circumstance was and is myself.

And that my friends is the entire point.  Our job isn’t to dictate what people do.  I believe there are certain matters of behavior and decorum that should go unspoken, things we should all practice as common courtesies and kindness.  I’m human and I still react in those moments someone isn’t following those beliefs.  But I am at the point where I fully understand I have no control over what other people do.  We have the choice to address it, ignore it, adapt to it, learn from it, or walk away from it.  As I think about it, I believe that is truly the point of differences.  We are meant to shape each other.  Think of the rocks we polish by putting in a tumbler: they beat against each other until the edges are worn enough they don’t hurt each other anymore.  We tend to be abrasive with each other when we have a difference in thought. The skill I’m focusing on honing and what to share with others is managing the emotions we have, managing the thoughts we have, and focusing on controlling what we can.  To do that we need to understand the difference between what is in our scope and what isn’t.  That can be a fine line at times but we must never cross it without permission and understanding on both sides.  If we want to live in disappointment, believe that we have control over how people think and feel and how they treat us.  If we want to learn to navigate life with less armor but more skill, we need to manage our own thoughts and feelings.  Self-control and understanding can never steer us wrong. 

We need to have enough faith to walk into rooms that don’t want us there and enough fuel to keep standing.  For even in those uncomfortable and challenging circumstances we have a purpose.  We never know the lives we touch and sometimes the only thing people need to see is the courage it takes to stand in who we are, an example of hard things getting done.  Simple things that aren’t always easy sometimes need demonstration—or we need the reminder that it’s ok to act outside the norm.  Sometimes we need that reminder ourselves.  We don’t even need to directly speak to these people because the action speaks to them.  Humans are sensitive creatures and we know when something feels off, we know when our presence becomes uncomfortable just as we know we are uncomfortable in certain circumstances.  Even in those times it feels like we don’t belong, we need to trust that we are where we’re supposed to be.  As I wrote yesterday about the fire fueling or burning us, sometimes we face difficulties that are meant to spur action into ourselves and others even if it feels off.  Sometimes that difficult feeling is what makes us move and inspires others to move as well.

It takes a lot to face fears head on.  As we talked about yesterday, facing the fire can be painful.  It is in choosing to face the difficult things that show us we are resilient and, while some things really do hurt, they aren’t meant to hurt forever.  We aren’t meant to stay the same forever and not every calling to change is pleasant.  Faith stays with us during those moments so we can come through unscathed.  We never said anything about being comfortable—it’s highly uncomfortable.  But once we reach the other side, there is nothing that can stop us and suddenly we are an example to everyone that the flames, the rooms we walk into with daggers pointed at us, those are just temporary things, tests/gauntlets of our nerve and desire.  Sure, we need to be wise enough to know when we really should stay away—that doesn’t mean every uncomfortable situation is to be avoided.  We need discomfort to grow, to learn to push through and move forward/upward.  Most importantly, we need to build the confidence to tell the difference—when we simply need to pas through, when we need to stand still, when we need to face the fire, and when we could get burned.

As we get older we start to learn that opinion can be a shaky determinant of circumstances and other people.  Judgement and discernment are the skills we need to worry about, not what people think of something.  There is a time and place to discuss thought and opinion on certain matters but we learn through making choices, some of them tougher than others.  Opinions can be guideposts and show us points of curiosity, but there comes a time when opinion is irrelevant and we need to show up regardless of what people think.  We need to have the hard conversation regardless of what people think, we need to show up and be an example of the change or the conviction we talk about.  Most of the greatest movements in humanity started because someone had the audacity to be where they weren’t wanted.  The gumption to do what was right no matter what others thought or felt.  They showed up and faced the fire in spite of any potential consequences.  Stand firm because that simple act can be all that’s needed for someone else to stand with us and for real change.

“Instead of being burnt by the fire, let it fuel you,” WildSoulSisterhood.  It’s quite possible to venture into the fire and not get burned.  We must have no illusion of control, rather we need to let the fire do what it does—bring light to situations.  Ignite things that started as a spark. Spur us into action.  Clear obstacles from our paths so we see the truth.  I don’t pretend it’s comfortable to make friends with the heat. So it is with life, as well.  We can let the stings and stray sparks hurt us or we can put them out and move on.  We can let them ignite into a fire all their own or we can quench it before it takes.  We can lament what the fire consumes or we can celebrate what was.  We are the ones who allow it to be a thing of pain or a thing of beauty.  What we have to understand is it is both and it is nothing at the same time—it simply is.  Fire is fuel, it is sustenance and, while it requires fuel to keep it going, it is an energy all its own. I choose to face the flames rather than run from them because those flames recognize the fire in myself.     

“I like to see it to know it, to be tested on it to be done, but I get a feeling I keep getting tested on this one,” this is from an older show, Family Ties but it’s still relevant today.  I lived my entire life like that.  I still live my life like this if I’m honest.  I approached everything as a test and I believed everything had an answer, like we had to figure it out and then move onto the next one.  There was a time my memory was air tight for absolutely everything, remembering conversations verbatim, all the details down to what people were wearing.  I truly was near eidetic.  And then as life continued to move forward, more and more stress and fear and obligations packed themselves into my life and I started losing things.  I struggled to remember even the most basic of things.  I started losing that facet of my identity—that I KNEW.  This was also accompanied by a time when I wasn’t exactly clear on where I was going or what I was doing. 

I thought my value was determined by what I knew, by proving what I knew.  I started looking for more tests to prove I knew what I was doing instead of looking for the tests that mattered.  Instead of looking for what mattered to me and what made sense to me, I just kept looking for more and more tests.   And soon that didn’t stop.  It was an endless cycle of thinking I knew what I wanted or I found my place only to discover it wasn’t the right fit after investing the energy because it was always all in for me.  Then I’d have to figure something else out.  I felt overwhelmed with tests and felt like I wasn’t going anywhere—because I wasn’t going anywhere.  I kept running around the mountain trying to find my path and I faced people who wouldn’t let me start the climb and I chased people claiming that I knew more than they did.

The problem with thinking we know it all and being tested all the time is that we never find that one thing we love.  Never find that thing that’s ours.  We aren’t meant to know everything, we are meant to be subject matter experts—pick an area or a couple of areas of expertise and go all in.  Stop picking the fights that don’t belong to us, stop picking up the responsibility that isn’t ours, stop taking accountability for something that belongs to someone else, and stop giving people permission to write our stories—up to and including saying that we somehow have an obligation to prove ourselves about something—that we need to show we are right.  That’s allowing someone else to hold the pen.  I believed life is a test—and I still do.  But I had it wrong.  It wasn’t a test about what I knew, a test about right or wrong.  It was a test about willingness to live life.  In that regard we are tested every day to see if we break the habit, if we follow through on what we want.  Until we have the life that’s ours, we will keep getting tested—there are no cheat sheets except for what we have in our souls.  The sooner we listen, the sooner we pass.