“I feel violent, like I’m dying, I feel broken, maybe I’m just breaking free,” Night Riots. Ok, one more (tiny) piece on change that felt relevant because of what we talked about yesterday, how when we are scared we have to do it anyway. Change CAN feel violent. It’s the destruction of a former life, of what we knew/know and that truly is devastating to a degree—everything we knew is on the line and we have the potential to lose it. It is truly a death because, as we learn in alchemy, the original no longer exists in the form it was; but as we ALSO learn in alchemy, the old exists within the new, just in different form. Enduring any change/evolution is the shedding of skin we became comfortable in. Once that skin starts getting tight, we see our growth is restricted so we have the choice to either stop growing and stay small, to suffocate because we grow within the confines, or to release the skin and step out into the world. So change may be a death and it is a potentially violent process that breaks us, but at the end of it, no matter how raw we are, we are simply breaking free and stepping into all the possibilities that come with more space.
“If you can’t beat the fear, just do it scared,” Glennon Doyle. This is an old one but it seemed important to bring it back now. It’s not surprising at this stage in my life, there are a ton of changes happening and I’m in the throes of documenting some of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever had to speak about on top of reconciling changes in nearly every relationship I have at the moment, a new job, and construction in my home—it’s 100% chaos right now and every choice feels like it’s blurred/clouded. Nothing is straightforward at the moment. The truth is that I AM scared right now because these changes encompass everything from mortality to shifting life paths, creativity and purpose, power and struggle, and identity and the mask. Everything is exposed, it’s all on the table (and in the case of my home quite literally all on the floor) and there are parts of me that I thought I could never live without that I don’t have a say in whether or not I get to keep it. And I know that’s natural, that is the definition of life: change and evolution. I started to struggle with analysis paralysis and decision fatigue and realized that the first issue was that I was/am overstimulated and that makes it hard for anyone to think straight. We know the universe sends us signs and for me it was hearing this quote again used in the context of a speech Ryan Leak was giving and it reminded me of what I say: when you don’t know what to do, do nothing until you can do SOMETHING.
Ryan expounded on this concept when he said, “Who’s to say you can’t be scared and still do it nervous?.” If we continue to do nothing then nothing will ever get done and we will find ourselves in the same position for as long as we sit there—unicursal path or not, if we don’t move, we certainly won’t get anywhere. Fear isn’t the deterrent, it’s our inability to get past it. For me it’s ultimately the fact that I don’t want to look back and wish I had done something differently or to realize that I missed out on what I was supposed to do. I also watched some videos of high divers/cliff divers and couldn’t fathom the idea of willingly jumping off of something to plunge into the water. The height is terrifying but they still do it—the still find the courage to launch their bodies off whatever platform they are on and hit the water. I realized that, even though I’m not jumping from 30-60 feet, the feeling of change is similar: we’re jumping off the edge of what we’ve known into something we can’t quite see the other side of. There comes a point where you can’t go back and I heard in one of these videos that it was bad luck in diving to turn back once they were on the platform—so for us, once we are at that point, there truly is no turning back. And that’s ok because if we are going to end up where we need to be then the concept is the leap was part of the journey all along.
There’s always the before and after—what it was like before we did this thing and then after. What it was like with this person and then what it’s like in their absence. What it was like at this job and then in a new job. There is no way we can ever prepare for every single variable that occurs when we face a new challenge. If we were required to do that, literally everything would stop because we wouldn’t be able to handle more complex issues than yes or no and, frankly, every decision would feel like life or death. With that being said, the reality that we will have to do things while we are scared takes on a different look. All we can do is prepare for what we know, for what we think may happen, and plan for what we want so we can somehow connect the two and close the gap between that before and after. Sometimes the chaos is too much, sometimes there is too much change at once and it feels like we’re going to drown. In those moments it is fully acceptable to stop fighting and try to float to gather our bearings. But once we right ourselves again, we have to keep going. It’s all part of the process. It’s 100% true that once we take that leap we so often see it wasn’t as scary as we thought it was and part of life is figuring it out along the way. Even if we are scared, we have to do it anyway because the alternative is looking back and wishing we had and not being able to do anything about it. Change is a gift because it means we are alive and the truth is we have made living pretty scary sometimes. It doesn’t have to be and even if we are afraid, life still moves forward so we may as well make the choice to leap when we want to.
Today I am grateful for completion. We’ve had the main level of the house under construction since March. It’s been delay after delay, lesson after lesson, and frustration after frustration. I can keep it in perspective and acknowledge in the grand scheme of things, this is not a huge issue. I would be lying, however, to say that there was no impact on us mentally. Having your house in some degree of unrest for any length of time is a pain, but to have the entire thing torn up and shifted over and over again and to have plans pushed aside and rerouted unexpectedly multiple times is wearing on ANYONE. So this past week we received the last pieces of our project and we have been able to start to put things back together. The relief is immense and I am so grateful that we can make some progress getting things where they belong. It’s also awesome to see a vision come together like that. I can’t say that the wait was worth it because 90% of the delays had nothing to do with us but I WILL say the vision is spot on and it is beautiful—it took time but it got to where we wanted it. And I can breathe again.
Today I am grateful for surprises. We’ve been invited to a conference for our business. We haven’t been able to attend the last several years for various reasons but we received the invitation, and because we are gluttons for chaos, we accepted it. Truthfully, it will be chaotic, there is no denying it, but this is a huge gift and we couldn’t have anticipated this. This is an opportunity for us to really get things off the ground and make huge strides for the business and for other connections. This is a networking gig unlike any other and I am so happy we have better awareness of what’s to come and what we will do moving forward. This is a chance to move things forward in our lives and I am so happy to keep that in perspective. I wouldn’t be able to do this without my current role, without the changes I’ve made over the last few months. I am proud, I am excited, and I am ready. The time is right. This is one of those moments that proves things happen when they are meant to.
Today I am grateful for family. There are a lot of dynamics at play right now and I am learning to simply take people as they are. We often don’t realize how much we expect people to live up to our standards. I’m truly not speaking in the malicious sense, I’m talking in the way we think people are, we think we know them because they’ve been a certain way for a long time, and suddenly they are this different person. They no longer fit the mold of how we knew them. It’s an adjustment and it can be painful but the roles we play with people change. I’m grateful my family is around no matter what role they have in my life. I love that I still get to see their names come up on my phone, that I get to hear their voices. It’s a gift.
Today I am grateful for finding peace. I never realized what a journey it would be to find peace. It sounds like such an easy thing—just be peaceful, allow peace, stay away from what causes unrest. Buddhism talks about life being suffering and how we can’t avoid it but we have to work with it. Because of suffering we know what joy is and because of unrest and disturbance we know what peace is. Life will never be smooth sailing all around. It will never be easy all day every day. But what we can do is find a way to create peace in ourselves. We can find a way to manage peace with who we are because when we find peace with who we are we know we can handle anything. Peace is an acceptance, that’s really all it is. It’s a knowing that no matter what comes our way we can handle it. I’ve allowed myself to be rattled for too long and that isn’t a place that feels good. For me it’s almost instinct to find the negative/fear/unrest because there’s a compulsion to solve things in a way, to find purpose. We find peace when we know our purpose because the rest of the distraction goes away. So in a way, peace comes not only with acceptance, but with focus and action (more detail coming). Taking steps and moving forward gives us peace because we have a direction and that makes all the difference in the world.
Today I am grateful for purposeful action. Conceptually I’ve been aware of purposeful action my entire life—we have a purpose and we do something about it. In practice, that didn’t work so well. Between distraction and people pleasing, we lose sight of what matters at times. I’ve also never been a person who could do one thing at a time. Multiple goals, multiple projects, and things to do—the goal itself was to complete as much as I could. Part of that was natural interest and curiosity—I have interest in a variety of things. But jumping from thing to thing gets us nowhere. I am grateful to be reminded that sometimes slow and steady wins the race. We can’t drink out of the fire hose—sometimes we just need to slow down and prioritize. At some point we realize that there are no mistakes and we end up exactly where we need to be no matter what we do.
“Your future self is always watching, always being built,” Dritan Hodo. Ah, the universe has a way of reminding us at all times that we are on track. Just as we talked about yesterday with letting go of the past so we can embody the future, we need to know what that future looks like and what we are striving for. Know who we are and allow that vision/version of ourselves to shine through—let it come out in all its glory and color. We have to make the choices based on where we are going, not on where we were with the exception of learned lessons. The future is waiting. The past is done and we can do nothing about it. That’s why it hurts when we hold onto it for so long and it becomes a detriment because we are carrying something unnecessarily. We’ve learned the lesson, we need to move on. If we are to be a model for our future self, we need to let go of the past otherwise we will continue to get the same thing.
The future changes all the time which may seem contradictory to the concepts of the singular path we’ve talked about recently. I think even that singular path is meant to embody changes—it already comes with the twists and turns and it will still get us where we were headed. So we can alleviate some of the pressure in that regard and allow the path to unfold and make the choices that feel right. I believe that is partially why the future is constantly changing as well because we are meant to adjust. Our intuition is a self-steering guide post/marker. If I want something, I need to be a version of myself that can get it, an inspiration to what my future self will want to do to fulfill that purpose. What we decide now does impact who we are tomorrow and when we zoom out, we see that we were always who we are and that choice would have brought us to that version anyway.
“Stop rehearsing the past and start embodying your future,” zuluisms. I’ve spoken numerous times about letting the past lie, how we can’t carry the weight of it with us because it gets too heavy. One of the biggest mistakes I ever made (but didn’t want to fully admit until I was an adult because I didn’t want it to be my fault) was that I held onto everything from the past. Part of it is my nature because I am a record keeper. I detail and remember everything—sure that’s gotten a bit hazy as I’ve gotten older and have been dealing with more periods of stress—and the past was something that played over and over in my mind and the mind can’t tell what is real and what isn’t. If it’s playing in our mind, it thinks it’s happening right now. So if I’m reliving what was already done and thinking about the emotion of it, then I’m carrying and living through that emotion again in the present. If that isn’t something I want to experience then I don’t have to. I can envision and start living a new vision—something better to come.
This can be easier said than done—I am a living testament to that. I was afraid to let go of it because I was afraid I would forget and my entire life I wanted to remember. I was born behind the 8 ball so to speak—all the major family events were ending by the time I came around, the parties were ending, the gatherings were dwindling, the usual meetings on Sundays were further and further apart and no one seemed to want to do anything about it. I wanted all of that, I wanted the memories the rest of the family had so I clung to everything, desperately trying to instill and feel that nostalgia and that inclusiveness that they had. But that led to some difficult habits because I lived in a manufactured past, something that wasn’t my own. And that led to remembering all the things I didn’t want to, every mistake, every minute error that wouldn’t be an issue to anyone else yet seemed to drive me insane because I couldn’t change it. It was a past I wanted and didn’t have and past I had but didn’t want and both of them kept me from being where I was.
Presence is one of the simplest yet most challenging things we have to accept the concept of. We remember things so linearly but that isn’t how time works. It all IS and that’s what makes time so complicated. We are here and now but we have all of those pieces of the past in us. Throw in the influence of those around us, the blood in our veins, and the happenings of the moment, and we can very easily get skewed in where we are going. We are all multiple versions of ourselves at all times but we know who we are at the core and we have to remember that and live that no matter what we go through. The future us is there no matter what we do and we need to make sure we are honoring the version of ourselves we want to be. I had to learn how to create a vision for myself so I had an idea of where I was going—where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be that honored who I was but also who I AM. We don’t get to where we are without being who we were. It’s complicated and painful at times but it is always beautiful because there is no erasing what we’ve been through—but it isn’t what has to be moving forward. We simply need to BE.
I’ve had a long standing question/struggle about ego. I couldn’t tell if certain instances bothered me out of pride or out of genuine bother. Like, was I really the wronged party or did it just feel shitty? Was I angry or was I embarrassed? Was this a matter of needing to be right and control or was this truly about disrespect and not being heard? I’m coming to terms with some habits I have with my relationships that I’m still recovering from my past life. I bend over backwards for people I love—and I love quickly. Once you’re in my inner circle, you’re in and there is no holding back. I realize now that there is a pattern of trauma bonding and oversharing in order to make myself validated and needed and accepted. I asked how I keep attracting these people who have little to no regard for what they do to people or little or no regard to how other people feel about what they’ve done yet they are hyper aware when they feel they’ve been wronged. One can always argue that we are only responsible for our actions and with free will we can’t make people behave a certain way and they can’t make us feel any way either—we are responsible for how we feel. The truth of the matter is there IS truth to that but it is far more complicated than simply choosing to not feel a certain way. We are animals, feelings are wired to reactions. So knowing that, I think it’s reasonable to say that we all have a role in how people behave. No, we aren’t responsible for someone’s reaction but we are responsible for our intentions.
The reason I’m still confused is that I can still see both sides. I’m an emotional person and I can be quite reactive—and quite explosive in my reactions at times. But I’m also a very clear cut person. I don’t beat around the bush when it comes to letting people know how I feel because I don’t like to play games. If I’m at the point where I’m telling you something bothers me, I’m serious. So if the behavior continues when I’ve made my feelings known, then that has been a choice on YOUR part. You are aware of how I feel, I’ve asked you to stop, you’ve chosen to do it again. At that point I have a choice, of course—I can discuss it again or I can walk away. But either response at that point is a result of your choice to engage with me in that manner. I don’t feel like those are circumstances where one can fairly say, “You’re responsible for how you react.” There are people who behave in pointed ways designed to poke the bear and when the bear responds, that isn’t an unexpected thing. You can’t claim to be the victim when you’ve instigated the very reaction you knew would come. That is spiteful, vindictive, and intentional. So in that regard, I’ve come to a sort of conclusion: it isn’t necessarily ego, it’s energy and if I FEEL your intent behind it, then the reaction is appropriate and it isn’t about ego.
We respond to energy and energy never lies. It is always sending messages and frequencies. Sure, some energy triggers our ego but other energy is simply telling us what’s going on. It’s amazing how much we lie to ourselves in this society where people treat us like we don’t know what they’re doing and we’re not allowed to talk about it because somehow calling people on BS is rude but we don’t talk about the manipulation or anything else prior to that, the thing that caused the response. We can have philosophical conversations all day about how we don’t need to respond to certain behaviors, but I reiterate, we are animals and the bottom line is this: people shouldn’t do shitty things to each other. We shouldn’t do shitty things and expect people to take it. The truth is if we are evolved enough to manage our reactions and emotions, then we are evolved enough to know how to treat people and read the room. And common sense dictates that we wouldn’t do something to cause harm to ourselves in that fashion. The other point is that I don’t expect people to manage my emotions—like if something bothers me, I will handle the response (this is different than the reaction). But I am not responsible for behaving in a way that ensures you feel a certain way—that’s manipulation. To expect someone to behave a certain way so you feel something specific is manipulation. So at the end of the day, I stand by what I say and can worry less about ego. Sometimes it’s just the energy you’re giving out.
“When you’re proud of yourself, you don’t really pay much attention to what other people are doing,” Mel Robbins. Yesterday we touched on self-esteem and understanding it’s ok (and necessary) to walk away from those who don’t see our value—our job isn’t to convince the world of our value. Robbins brings in an interesting point in that if we see our own value, the opinion of the rest of the world sort of falls away. The outside world becomes irrelevant because we have found our own rhythm with the nature of OUR world and we are driven by our purpose rather than approval of that purpose. We have accepted our place and know we are doing the right thing. If we find peace and are happy/content doing what we are doing, then we don’t really need to worry if someone else is ok with how we find that peace. Having that purpose and following it to our own satisfaction eliminates the distraction of seeking approval and that is when we can get the real work done.
Pride can be a confusing word for some people because it comes with a lot of implications. When I first heard Mel say that, I cringed a bit because I personally have a sour relationship with that word mainly because of how people interpreted my own pride. I wasn’t allowed to be proud of anything because it was considered showing off so pride held a negative connotation for me. If we are proud, are we egotistical? If we are proud, are we arrogant? And the truth is pride in anything can very easily turn into either ego or arrogance or both. It’s also important to not confuse pride with attention seeking—we are allowed to share our work and if we can do that for the sake of the work rather than the reaction of others, we are on the right track. The human animal needs a certain level of pride in what they do to succeed—it’s an evolutionary thing to fuel us in what we do well and to direct us toward our purpose. Those moments when we are too proud and seek control over others to satisfy our own whims is when it gets to a bad place. But we need a healthy dose of pride to keep us focused and grounded—pride to fight for what we know is right and for what we know we have done well.
I think my comfort level with this quote is more around the concept that if we are satisfied with what we are doing, we are allowed to be content with that, and yes, even proud of it. The point is that when we have that internal satisfaction, we tend to not focus on what other people think. We can ignore someone else’s idea of what is enough because we are focused on the work for the sake of the work, not to gain someone’s approval. Again, when we are proud of what we do and we find contentment in that purpose, we don’t seek validation from external sources. My own battles with pride are my problem and I know some people might find it strange to be triggered by that word (of all things) meant to inspire us but I find that we need to reconcile that inner driver with what makes us happy so we have our focus aligned correctly. The focus is the goal, the work itself, the things that make us happy—not if other people accept that we are happy or living up to their expectations. We are more than capable of finding peace and contentment when we are satisfied with what we are doing and that’s exactly what we need to do.
“I won’t apologize for finally realizing that I am not hard to love, I’m just trying to heal in places that kept breaking me,” Jay Douglas. I spent a lifetime seeking validation from everyone to the point of expecting them to tell me who I was. Tell me what you need and I can (and will) do it. I spent so much time trying to prove that I could be valuable and do what was asked of me that I didn’t spend enough time asking whether or not I should. I never asked what I wanted and what I should do for myself. I’d spend my days working my ass off to check off the items other people wanted me to do, trying to find some time to do what I enjoyed but the problem is, when you’re working to prove you can do anything there will always be something else to do. A pattern developed where I would be available to anyone anywhere anytime and I started to get exhausted—I couldn’t keep up. The pull of what I wanted to do became stronger and stronger and I started to resent those people who only wanted to be around me because I had no boundaries. Another pattern developed where as soon as I started to set boundaries, people had an issue.
People with no boundaries often lack self-esteem. They feel their worth is so low that they only way people will like them or accept them is if they are adaptable and do what they are told. They believe their opinions aren’t worthy of being shared and they don’t want to be seen as difficult so they often agree with everyone around them. And everyone likes them because they seem so low maintenance and they know they can go to that person when they need someone. But once that individual requires something reciprocated or when they have a difference in opinion, suddenly they are seen as difficult or the bad guy. Self-esteem isn’t just a buzz word—without enough of it we will accept an entire lifetime thinking our presence and beliefs and voices aren’t worthy of being expressed. The human soul isn’t capable of being repressed that long and, while validation can be necessary at times, we can’t live a lifetime thinking we are the problem for every person. The problem is we attract people who don’t respect our boundaries because we didn’t teach them those boundaries in the first place.
One of my greatest hopes is that everyone wakes up realizing their worth and that they are able to break the beliefs that made them feel like they were worth less than anyone else around them. I want people to find their voices and find the rooms where their presences is missed, the rooms where even their whisper is heard no matter how loud it is. I’ve experienced the alternative where the room was dead silent and I screamed my head off and no one even looked up and that was the moment I realized I was nothing more than a fixer to those people. My presence was a problem until I was needed. Establishing belief in our own worth can be challenging at the best of times but those scenarios are devastating. Those places that break us will never heal us. So more than anything, I want to encourage people to understand their worth and their validity in this world and I want people to walk away from anyone who interferes with the inherent knowing of that worth. We aren’t hard to love, we are just surrounded by people who don’t know how to love and they don’t see our worth because they likely don’t see their own. Don’t apologize for removing ourselves as an option to those who consider us a choice in the first place.
“I won’t sacrifice my mental health to keep someone comfortable in their chaos,” Jay Douglas. We each live in our own reality where we can be the hero, the victim, the villain, the genius, the martyr, the cool one, the one with it all together, the creative—anything we want to be. That’s part of the beauty of being human: we can be what and who we want to be and we can change it when we need to. We can be some facet of all these things and chances are at some point in our lives we will be all of these things—sometimes all in one day, you never know. No one is responsible for keeping up with what goes through our minds in those situations. We aren’t mind readers and the things that make us comfortable may not work for others. The truth is we need to seek less comfort and more stability and we get stability with truth. We get stability the more we practice accepting reality for what it is. Some people like to be in the thick of the storm so they can be that hero and fix everything and others like to be in the story so they can be the victim. There are others, still, who like to create the storm—they ARE the storm. The truth is, no matter what end of the spectrum someone falls in (entirely peaceful to entirely chaotic) it isn’t our job to make them comfortable.
We see it every day: realities collide because we have different beliefs, experiences, and views that shape how we see the world and what we do, the choices we make. That is entirely normal and the human experience varies just so we are able to see the differences and taste all the variety of the world. But I can’t force someone to live in my reality anymore than they can force me to live in theirs. We are different people. When a relationship differs so greatly that I need to shape and tailor my actions and views to suit yours or vice versa, we start to see the issue. The reality either of us live in isn’t compatible and that would mean we have to become something we are not to support that relationship. There are every day differences that can spice things up a bit like a preference of coffee over tea but if we have a fundamental difference in opinion over the type of life we live or the beliefs we share on how to treat people, that means we have to bend who we are and the mind isn’t meant to deal with that. As malleable as the mind is, the soul isn’t so easily twisted and that is where we start to break.
I speak from a place of absolute certainty when I say the mental gymnastics involved with keeping someone comfortable when they have no desire/drive to see things any way but their own is exhausting and painful. The mind can only bend so much and we can only spend so much time convincing our own mind that at one point someone will understand and do the same for us, they will see it our way. These people haven’t the slightest inkling to be adaptable. Even if they see the need to embrace another viewpoint, they feel what they know or feel is more important so they expect the world to bend to their will. We have our own views for a reason and they have nothing to do with adapting our reality in a way that harms ourselves. If we take the emotion out of it and strip it down to the facts, we arrive at a middle ground and if someone refuses to meet us there, it isn’t our job to uproot our lives to make them feel better. Being in a relationship whether it be familial, friendly, professional or other doesn’t require giving up our peace because someone prefers chaos. We can walk away otherwise we end up with a mind like a pretzel and often alone to figure out how to unwind it. Don’t give anyone that power—be the center of our own world and let those who need chaos find it outside of our minds.
Today I am grateful for vulnerability. I share a ton here so it is no mystery that I often jump into my own vulnerability. I believe we need to get their so we can strip away all the noise and distraction of this world and really see who we are. I fully appreciate that vulnerability isn’t easy for everyone. It takes a lot of honesty and acceptance and we have to remove some emotion out of it so we can see the truth of the situation rather than just how we feel about it. And expressing that feeling is also a vulnerable thing. We feel risking the truth leaves us exposed and we can be hurt. That may be true: showing that side of ourselves can hurt. But finally hearing the truth and seeing how someone really feels breaks through so many barriers and we create understanding. Humans are weird and complex creatures where we create these stories in our heads about how people feel about us and when they think/feel etc. If we don’t get information or input to the contrary then we believe those stories. I am so happy that I finally did get additional information from someone close to me that supported how they said they felt instead of what they’ve shown. They were too scared to show the truth because they thought it would hurt them. Now that I know that, I personally feel more trust toward that individual and it’s an amazing feeling.
Today I am grateful for standing up for myself. Oh, I could write pages and pages on this one based on events over the last few months. I took a huge risk this year and completely turned my life upside down because I knew I wasn’t getting what I needed professionally or in my personal relationships. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be and I was tired of wearing different masks to make others happy/comfortable in the hopes they would accept me. People wanted my help and input and I was overly available and the pattern is that very few were there in return. They expected me to expend my energy solving their problems but weren’t willing to do the work and they certainly didn’t want to help me. In making those changes and finding alignment with things I actually liked, getting in touch with the real me, expressing the real me, I found my authentic voice. Things I would have accepted before were off the table and rather than try to make my concerns palatable or not that big of a deal, I voiced what was wrong. There were some who completely jumped ship at that point and I realized I didn’t care that they did because they were clearly not interested in being part of my authentic life—they wanted me to play a role for them and when that didn’t fit any longer, they had no need for me. I continued to fight for what was right and press the issue when it came to a home project we’ve been struggling with. Normally I would be afraid to go up against someone like this but I have continued to have the discussion, realizing that it doesn’t matter if they like me or think I’m easy to get along with—they need to do the right thing. So I am grateful that I found enough worth in myself to use the same energy I would use to defend others to do the same for myself.
Today I am grateful for stubbornness of the universe. I have fought and screamed for years that I wanted things to be a certain way because I knew what was right—that we were all accountable and needed to do the right thing. I insisted on moving quickly because I knew what I needed and wanted and I was always pissed at anyone who got in my way or slowed me down. The entire time, the universe has been finding ways to slow me down and I never understood the reason. If I’m entirely honest, the universe is still sending me the message because I’m equally as stubborn and still see no point in waiting for what’s right…I digress. But I am grateful the universe has continued to send me this message regardless of my frustration and anger about it because I think I finally understood something: the concept of time that I’m working with is my own—the timeline I’ve created in my own head is just that: in my own head. I am the one who chose to pull myself in all these directions, I accepted all these projects and ideas, I am the one who put them all forward at the same time because I got so afraid of running out of time to do what I wanted that I thought I had to do it all at once. But the universe persisted and kept telling me to slow down, to take things one at a time and trust that all will unfold in its own course. That I could trust and allow and learn to be present. In all that rushing and being stopped, the universe was trying to tell me I have all the time in the world and it’s ok to just breathe sometimes. We can’t control the chaos but we can control how we respond to it. Even if we are being delayed unnecessarily, we can trust all is as it should be and we have to understand that we don’t have to do as much as we think we do. We have a lot of time as long as we are aligned.
Today I am grateful for releasing. My home is still in sheer chaos as we are finishing some renovations and it has been driving me insane. Things have been torn up since February and I am getting desperate to finish things up because I want to move forward and there are things I literally can’t do with the house in this condition. But I am grateful for releasing control and the unnecessary crap around the house. We accumulate and accumulate and I can’t tell you how much stuff I have found that I can donate and remove from my house. I don’t need to create space for things that I don’t even use, for things that no longer serve a purpose in my life but may be of use to others. So I’m looking at this chaos and thinking that perhaps it’s for a reason. Perhaps it’s to show me what’s really important and to learn how to let go of the rest. Life is about letting go and I don’t think I ever understood how much we need to let go of.
Today I am grateful for the small moments. Life is so fleeting that we really do need to learn presence and joy in the little things. I appreciate every small gesture, every small moment, every smile, every laugh, every cuddle, every discussion we have. I spend so much time trying to avoid the silence because my mind is CONSTANTLY moving and I feel like I need to prove myself and that I always need to be DOING to earn my existence so to speak. It also frustrates the hell out of me thinking that all this time is misspent and I will expend energy with no result. So the more I am present with the small things and take the time to appreciate what life is—the life in the every day moments—the more life we have. It’s ironic that the faster we go and the more we try to cram in the less time we have. Suddenly when we slow down, we have all the time in the world. I don’t need to jam a million things into my days to make them worthy. It’s ok to get done what gets done. It’s ok to spend a day at the zoo or an evening bowling—and we don’t have to fit it all in on one day. We don’t have to relegate fun to specific moments where we shove it all in our two weeks off a year. The every day is where it’s at, where it matters.
The Intentional Dreamer 