There was a gag I heard about someone dying (I know it’s morbid but stay with me) and no one wanted the person’s soul.  The issue wasn’t that this person was good or bad, but the fact that they couldn’t decide on where the person should go, Heaven or Hell (if you believe in that particular path) because the person didn’t really do anything with their lives—he was boring.  He tried arguing he was a good person because he adopted a dog rather than purchase from a breeder, and the Devil said you only adopted because you couldn’t afford to purchase from a breeder.  He said he did everything he was supposed to do and the gate keeper said, “That was the point.  You woke up, went to work, came home, and watched Netflix.  You didn’t DO anything.”  And that was what struck me–Many of us live our lives that way, where we confuse what we “should” be doing with what we are meant to be doing or the opportunity to do what we are meant to do.  We feel like distraction is the norm, numbing away what we want to do in life, like that is what people do so we should do it too.  We seek so much distraction it’s ridiculous because we fill our days with things we don’t want to do so any ability to numb out and forget where we are at for a while is taken.  When we end up doing nothing more than what we feel we are supposed to we aren’t honoring all we are capable of doing.

*Side note, it is perfectly acceptable to have an occasion or occasional day where we do exactly that or when we just sit on the couch doing nothing—we all need that break sometimes. But if we continually refuse to participate in our lives, specifically the creation of our lives, we will never witness that wonder and our life will pass us by—we are existing, not living.  In this gag, they call this person plain yogurt, a human rice cake.  They certainly haven’t drunk the Felix Felicis in their lives (see yesterday’s post).*

Now, there is a difference between experiencing life for genuine reasons versus settling for what we can get.  When we don’t live with ambition toward something other than ourselves, we end up in that distracted, melancholy, discontented state.  The reasons aren’t our own.  No one said we have to be selfish or anything like that and it isn’t about ego, it’s about fulfilling our purpose and taking up that mantle willingly.  So when we work a job we hate because we “have to” pay the bills and we don’t take the time to find a way to make ends meet doing what we love, we feel resentful and angry.  We aren’t living life according to our terms and we feel trapped.  When we settle and do things like adopt that puppy because we can’t afford what we want, we are saying that we don’t trust we can ever get what we want from the universe or that we aren’t willing to do the work to get what we want.  I’m not here to be critical of those who purchase dogs, but what I’m saying is that if we want something (ANY particular outcome) then we need to be honest about it and embrace it fully.

When we are honest and embrace life and we understand who we are and what our purpose is, things fall into place and align.  We aren’t living life like a square wheel.  Yes, that is one of my favorite metaphors because it is so fitting and perfect for what we try to accomplish.  The square wheel will in fact move forward, but it will take tremendous effort.  Embracing life is about cutting away the excess, the stone that hinders us from full range of motion.  One may argue the square is what keeps us whole, but sometimes we have to chip away the stone to see what’s underneath.  Once we gain momentum in our lives, we don’t have to be boring, we have freed ourselves to go anywhere.  In order to live, we must do something, and to live authentically we must do the work of finding that authenticity.  We must not be afraid to embrace the truth of who we are and to take action on it, not settle for what we get thinking we are living by doing the same thing every day that doesn’t actively take us somewhere.  While there isn’t anything wrong with plain yogurt or even rice cakes, we don’t want to spend our lives that way.  Be decisive, choose a path, commit.  The soul knows the way to go.   

Yesterday we discussed fishing and hunting and purpose and I wanted to elaborate on a few other things that happened—the universe constantly guides us and I have felt that increase as this year starts to wind down.  I mentioned how my colleagues and I have been sharing feelings of discontent with where we are at but the other piece to this is that each and every one of us has a plan or a different idea of what we want to be doing.  We all articulated exactly what we would do if we weren’t working these roles.  It was raw and vulnerable and humbling.  We weren’t talking about riches or fame or even notoriety—we all spoke of things that gave us contentment and joy.   So why are we all where we are and how did we end up where we are?  We got lost in the purpose of making money to support our families or our goals or our current needs and we forgot that we can have purpose that means something to the world—we lost sight of the big picture.  Now, I’m not saying that what we do is worthless, it just isn’t the driving force for US any longer, it isn’t our motivation, it is the realization of someone else’s dream and the money we make out of it is hollow even if we are grateful for it.  In short we are looking for more than money, we are looking for that purpose. 

As we had this discussion, I noticed that there was a different sense of ease amongst us.  Normally we are all business and complaining or discussing our jobs, speculating about where things are going, talking about what we have to do that day. This time it felt like we let the reality of who we are out.  Letting the guard down and sharing who we are felt completely natural (and vulnerable) in the moment and, I can only speak for myself, but I felt the weight lift off my shoulders.  It didn’t feel like we were holding any pretense or carrying the mask.  When you have that first true expression of self it really is like everything we’ve been carrying simply falls away.  I have no idea why we put on these facades like the only way to get what we want is to lie.  I know most of us don’t think we are lying but that is the reality of it.  When we are doing something we don’t want to do for the sake of achieving a goal rather than working on the goal itself through aligned action, we are saying we don’t trust the universe to give us what we want.  We are insinuating that we need to manipulate to get what we want rather than share the authentic expression of who we are.

So after, this conversation, while driving home, I felt a different sense of contentment and ease that I haven’t felt leaving work in a long time.  There is a feeling of ease when we simply share our truth because it isn’t obscured by the façade we’ve created—there is no confusion. While driving home, my body felt different, my shoulders literally dropped and I felt no stress.  The light hit different and I felt aware of the beauty of the sky and how lucky I was to see it in that moment.  I felt absolutely no rush to get where I was going. There was no unnecessary urgency to anything—and I think that is where we have been at lately, this constant rushing around trying to do something to plug these leaks in our lives whether personally or professionally, and all we do is create motion that feels like we are swept in it and can’t be stopped.  What we are looking for is flow, not a torrent, and when we show who we are, how to get where we need to be is way more clear.  I understood the need for presence in a new way, of presence with my son—I already had fears about missing out on things with him, but this wasn’t about fear of missing out, this was about learning how to be present with him.  This was an awareness of being in the right spot.  We have to learn to put aside the instinct to say no when something good happens, we have to believe it is meant to be as it is happening—that we are always where we need to be, and we can release the guilt of what we think we should be doing in favor of what we actually should be doing. 

I’m a Harry Potter fan and in book 6 Harry takes Felix Felicis, or lucky potion.  I’m pretty sure I wrote about this too but the description of the effects of this potion is one of my favorite things in the world.  This lucky potion doesn’t make the outcome we want appear, rather it puts us in the right place at the right time for things that are mean to happen, to happen.  It is the epitome of flow.  Even if we don’t understand why a certain action is required that we don’t necessarily understand, we do it knowing it is the right thing to do, trusting we are exactly where we need to be doing what we need to do in that moment.  When I first read it, I became completely infatuated with that feeling—perhaps a bit obsessed.  I knew that was what I wanted all the time.  And I believe it is possible.  Some things in the universe are a stroke of luck and we just happen to get what we need in the right place at the right time.  But this is a matter of knowing we are always where we need to be, we just have to keep saying yes to all the things that push us along our path. So driving home that Friday, I believe that is exactly what I felt—traffic flowed, that was the time I wanted to head home, I had some work to do but there was no desperation to get it done.  Everything felt possible and I knew it would turn out exactly as it was meant to.  Even the delays and rerouting make sense, there is no reason to be upset.  So perhaps the key, or the lucky potion in our life is simply to BE.  Be aware, be honest about what we want and what feels right, be present to understand what is happening in the moment, be willing to feel what we need to, be willing to accept help and guidance.  We all have the lucky potion within us, we just need to let it work and follow it.           

With anything in life we need to understand purpose.  For the sake of our purpose here (see what I did there?), I am defining purpose as our overarching/driving goal or direction in life. There is a time for play and experimentation so we can learn about ourselves, the world around us, and how we fit in and what we like/what works for us.  But we can’t take action without purpose forever because it will end up nowhere.  Look, I will even admit there is a time for wandering to see what the path ahead is like but at some point, even that too needs some direction otherwise it’s just walking.  When we add purpose to what we do, we have meaning and a goal.  I’m not saying the goal has to be Earth shattering—sometimes we just need to have a point and let the effect ripple out as it may.  Sometimes the point is simply to create less stress in our lives and in doing so we are an example to our friends and neighbors, or our role is simply to find how we complement and fit in.  Find what our piece of the puzzle is and fill it in.

Where do fishing and hunting come in?  Both have the intent of securing a goal, a target.  Both require patience, focus, and dedication.  Both require time and practice to figure out how to get the target, and learning how to adapt to conditions to get the target.  But with fishing, we often catch the target and release it while in hunting we bring it down for good—so we might be able to say it is the long versus the short game in some regards.  When we set a goal to fish, we are talking long term, setting the goal, picking a spot and developing our skill and allowing it to come to us.  Hunting we can either set up and wait or we move, chasing the prey (depending on what we’re hunting for).  In both circumstances we need to read the environment and learn to adapt as necessary.  We need to learn when to move and when to hold. 

The reality is life is both—we need to know how to fish and hunt.  We won’t know which to do unless we have a purpose.  The purpose will tell us the best way to go about the task, and even then, sometimes the same task requires us to switch between both as we break down the individual components of it.  But we need to know why we do what we do.  It’s been interesting lately as I’ve discussed more openly some issues with a few of my colleagues and we are all sharing the same feeling of frustration, melancholy, and even some malaise about our current positions—we all have slightly different roles, we are all in different stages of our lives, and we have been with this company anywhere from 5-30 years.  Nearly all of us have said that we want something else—we don’t feel the same sense of purpose anymore.  One of our group is leaving for an entirely new state and they are struggling with components of it because they DO like the job but that too gives the opportunity to start hunting for a new passion and purpose.  It is different when the person wants to begin that hunt and when they don’t, but this stands to show that we can have different purposes at different stages in our lives. 

When we know our purpose, or the purpose of our stage, we can welcome it and find our drive again and begin the hunt.  Sometimes that direction changes and it is ok to feel both lost and certain about where we are going.  How we handle it and communicate and how we feel about our choices is what matters.  That and the ability to make the choice.  I have made no secret of my indecisiveness and even my fear to make choices.  Part of that is simply me mired in old belief, stuck in what I was taught and what people around me learned/felt/experienced.  To find purpose we need to go out and live and we need to listen to our instincts.  The soul knows what we are here to do and how to go about doing it and when we have that feeling there is no going back.

As Heard by Shannon Goodberry

I want to continue with another piece I heard during last weekend’s presentation.  Goodberry shared how she was able to create freedom in her life because she finally said yes to a business opportunity, specifically with our company. She looked back and acknowledged what her life has become and what was made possible through saying yes and committing. I ended yesterday’s piece talking about committing and it’s important because once we decide, the universe can put things in motion, and a yes is a decision. In this case, Goodberry wasn’t just talking of financial freedom, she was talking about the overall release that happens when we align with who we are.  We move differently when we are in the flow of our lives, and sometimes all it takes is a yes.  I think of the times I’ve said yes and the impact on my life today.  When I said yes to a job (any of them), when I said yes to go out with my friend that night she wanted interference, when I said yes to my new home, yes to having a child, yes to pursuing my writing.  All of these things have created this beautiful, chaotic, brew that is my life—respectively it created the roller coaster of work, I met my husband, I love my house, I have an amazing son, I feel free when I’m writing.  I’m still navigating a few of those “yeses” but I understand each yes was a different possibility that opened up.

Had I done any one of those things differently, this wouldn’t be my life and it is the same for any of us.  Had I not said yes to going out with my friend that night, I literally would not have met my husband—or at the very least I wouldn’t have had THAT particular interaction with him which means I wouldn’t have my son or my home and I may not even have the job I do.  The mind can really go on a tangent with this and if we aren’t careful it can open the door to regret, but I want to acknowledge and focus on the power of yes rather than what we miss.  When we focus on the absence of something, we often forget to look at the presence of everything else—including ourselves.  The truth is we never know what we miss when we say yes because there is no real way of knowing what would have happened any other way.   There was a time when daydreaming and fantasy ran wild in my mind and it would teeter awfully close to regret—or I would feel the desire so much that it hurt when it wasn’t reality. Manifestation isn’t the same as holding tightly to a vision—it is being specific and dedicated while allowing at the same time.  The more we align with who we are the more we are able to say yes and the more we say yes (make those decisions) the more we know who we are.    

When we think of the moments that have changed because of a little word, we see the impact and how great it can be to simply take a chance.  We can’t be aware of all the possible outcomes that come from allowing, but the reality is it that little word can be the doorway to massive change in our lives.  What has happened in our lives because we said yes?  Each of us are here because someone said yes.  We get what we need when we say yes.  It may not come in the way we think, but we certainly get a result.  It’s a choice.  I spent a good majority of my life thinking I knew the course of my life better than anyone else or any other being.  I spent time proving that I knew things better, that I could do better than those around me.  When we spend our time pointing out everything that’s going wrong we miss what’s going right or the possibility of what can go right from a different path.  So instead of focusing on right or wrong, focus on where we are at and what each yes can bring because each one of those little three letter words is a new opportunity.    

“Love everyone until they get to a new season for themselves,” Shannon Goodberry.  We ended last week discussing the dance and how sometimes it takes time to really develop meaningful relationships.  We also talked about how we never know the full value of a relationship until we learn the dance and stop trying to make people be who we think they are or what we need them to be.  When it comes to love, few truly understand the power of that energy.  I’ve often discussed the power of acceptance and how that alone allows space for people to grow and to be who they want to be.  But love is something else.  Love is the energy that fuels the next step and helps us see other possibilities.  We all go through hard times and it is up to us to stick with those we love, with that support around us when we are in the low eras.  We all have seasons where we thrive and seasons where things are a bit dry.  We need to love someone through it all—we need to love ourselves through it all.  There is always a new season and it is up to us to stick with it until we are able to get to the other side, to get through the hard parts and get to the new. 

Love creates growth in the constant acceptance of the evolution of who we are.  Through change, through shedding, through becoming, love is a constant allowing and encouraging of things to be.  Love doesn’t ask someone to be something else—love awakens who we are and accepts it fully.  Not to sound cliché, but love really does create an evolution of its own.  If we truly want to help someone, we need only accept and love them.  Of course we can do more whether it is physically assisting or whatever it may be, but the truth is all we need is that love and acceptance and that will bring us to the point of what we can do on or own, we find strength we didn’t know we had.  It’s empowering to know our capability and capacity for life through recognizing our own power.  Love also allows us to find/discover desires we didn’t know we had and to see opportunities we didn’t know were possible. 

The Midnight Library discusses those opportunities and possibilities in life, in how we would approach things that we regret if we are able to go back and try again or try a different life on.  In finishing the book, I came to identify with the main character in the awakening that occurs through the acceptance of life.  I struggled with her at first—well, maybe the premise of her—because of her lack of commitment to a life.  Perhaps that hit too close to home.  Life itself is a gift and as long as we are here and have breath, we really can create whatever we want.  I’m not saying it will be easy, but the possibilities truly are limitless—and the truth is we really just need to decide and commit.  The character learned to love her life as it is and it was in loving her life and wanting to try again that she was able to start again.  While her circumstances didn’t change immediately, the change in her mindset brought her to a new place.   When we love ourselves enough to pursue the things we want, we bring ourselves to that next season.  When we are supported by others, that happens even faster, but the main thing is to understand the power of love in our lives—it really can change everything.   

Today I am grateful for understanding boundaries in friendship.  There comes a point in all relationships where we have to understand what the relationship means.  People aren’t subtle, they give signs all the time showing how they really feel and what their thoughts are.  Plus intuition is pretty right on so if we get the feeling their actions aren’t matching their energy/words then we need to trust that.  Believe what we feel if we can’t believe what we see.  I’ve had a group of friends for the last several years and if I’m honest I know that the dynamics of the relationship have changed.  I thought it had to do with my awkwardness and struggle with forming these relationships, but I see this is an opportunity for these people to use that awkwardness and gaslight me into believing I did something wrong when they have passed my boundaries and revealed who I am to them.  They have no issue coming in and using my home and my hospitality but they certainly do not take the time to respect my space or my home.  Broken floor, treating valuable items like they are nothing, not disciplining their kids to respect my space, forming relationships that exclude me—and then telling me that I’ve changed or that I’m behaving differently.  I thought that was an issue with me not understanding how relationships work but the truth is I do understand relationships aren’t meant to exclude one person until it’s convenient to bring her back in.  I know where I stand now and I am grateful to not have to pretend and I am grateful to stand my ground. 

Today I am grateful for renewed belief.  I am well aware of the timing of the universe and that we have to trust it—even if it isn’t always easy.  But every now and then there are signs we can’t ignore.  I have recently started speaking with the mother of one of my son’s friends more and this is a powerful woman, meaning she has an incredibly powerful presence.  I had been misinformed about her initially and then I had a brief experience of concern when I saw her interactions with someone who I had a legitimate issue with—but over time the kids started to hang out more and I realized that I needed to be a more active participant.  I also realized how awkward I still am with people.  Being with her has shown me what confidence can do.  Yes, confidence is something I speak about a lot but the truth is this is something that I still need to practice every day.  I need to know how to become the person I want to be without having concern for the perceived opinions of others.  As I mentioned above I’ve had a lesson with maintaining boundaries and part of confidence is the ability to maintain boundaries without fear of repercussion because we understand that if people don’t respect our boundaries or if they leave us, that is their issue.  We are allowed and all deserve respect so this woman is a source/reminder of that for me.  She spoke about her power yesterday and her ability to manifest and she even said she would teach me to let go of fear.  That is a huge step in my journey and I am grateful as this was exactly the right time for me to have that belief restored. 

Today I am grateful for shifting.  I’ve had an influx of sadness and frustration and anger lately because I have been well aware of the energy that is being siphoned off of me and the energy that was being put on me to feel guilty for having my boundaries and calling people out when they weren’t respected.  As I mentioned above, the universe has a divine plan, a timing in place, and just as this frustration and sadness were about to transition to guilt, two people came into my life to remind me of who I am.  I witnessed the previous group of people try to tarnish the relationship or, frankly, try to weasel their way in.  I felt some old tendencies creep up in myself, trying to be the best, trying to be the one who “won” so to speak—but I see the universe is showing me that these difficulties are in place because it is putting me on par to find the path I am meant to be on.  I felt like I was losing myself or losing something from the shift in dynamics but support came in right as I thought I was on my own.  I am learning the pieces of me that DO require being on my own and require me to let go of what anyone else thinks is happening in my life—and I am grateful that the right people showed up in my life to show me how to do it and remind me it was ok, it was time, and I am not crazy.

Today I am grateful to own my power.  I had an amazing experience on Friday where I felt the absolute alignment of the universe and the pressure left my body—I will speak more about that this week.  I am so grateful every time those moments happen because it reminds me how powerfully connected to the universe we are—just like my son’s friend’s mom who is so connected to her power and belief.  I went into that day ready to go and ready to take on the world and there was a new level of clarity and confidence in my actions.  I was ready to take on the weekend and host the party we had set up for Saturday.  It was funny how this moment I had been planning and was looking forward to suddenly didn’t seem so important.  I started seeing different interactions and I realized that there are parts of this that I was trying to do that simply didn’t fit any longer.  And I see now that it’s about releasing fear, and as we wind down this year, making decisions about what we want to do—what I want to do moving forward.  Not just the material aspect, but who I want to be as a person, how I want to show up for my life.  I know the moments that feel good and I am grateful and I am so grateful for the opportunities to settle in my confidence and decisions. 

Today I am grateful for peace.  I am taking a day to do nothing and simply relax.  I’m writing this early and I am going to let all the rest fall into place as it will.  I need rest, my heart, mind, and soul need a break.  I need to listen to what my body is telling me, what my mind is telling me, and I need to follow the universe and trust its timing.  I’m tired of stressing, I’m tired of yelling to be heard—I am ready to enter a room where I don’t need to shout to be heard, where I don’t have to fight to make a point, where people aren’t around just to take what I can give them.  I am ready to let go of what doesn’t serve, and enter an era of ease, peace, gratitude, and yes, power.  I know that means letting go of a lot of what I know now and entering some unfamiliar territory—but it is time. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“Some of the greats you have to work a little harder for,” JR Ridinger.  The good doesn’t always come easily but it does come as part of flow.  In this quote, JR refers to the work of creating relationships with people who can help build a business, but like many things, this is applicable to nearly all facets in life.  There are times the things we want seem just beyond our reach, or like it’s never quite clear.  We think we have done all we can do only to find there is more.  It’s easy to forget that life is a long game—we don’t always see the results we want right away.  Sometimes we have to be patient and let things develop, we have more lessons to learn, we have more interests to seek/discover.  We need to remember that not only is this a long game, but sometimes the goal isn’t the end/destination and sometimes the goal we think we’re reaching for isn’t really the goal—sometimes it needs to be refined.  Just because something doesn’t come easy doesn’t mean it isn’t meant to be.  Sometimes we have to work our way through things and dig a bit deeper in order to find the gold beneath, to find what we were really meant to have.  Sometimes we have a goal in mind but we were really only being pointed in the right direction. 

When it comes to business and relationships, and life in general, we must learn about a certain dance.  I’ve written about this before but when it comes to working for something we must understand the purpose of interaction.  If we approach life simply trying to get what we want out of every circumstance instead of looking at what we can learn and even what we can contribute, that energy comes across as manipulative.  We are trying to control things for our own personal gain.  That will never work to our satisfaction.  Sure it gives us a sense of control but what happens the moment things don’t go how we plan or when people behave differently than we think?  We get desperate or angry or we lose faith or even simply become frustrated to the point we give up entirely—or we double down and it’s either more of the same or an outright loss.  Nothing can really be gained from controlling external forces because there will always be more to control, but what we can do is learn to dance with the energies around us.  We can learn to enter a certain flow where we look at all the possibilities of what’s around us and how we can collaborate and participate in creating something good for all rather than forcing things to be our way. When it comes to learning THAT dance, it may take us some time and we do need to work for it.

Relationships are so important and, no, they don’t always make sense.  We may feel a bit lost, feelings change, we often don’t understand people.  In short, our humanness gets in the way sometimes. It takes a lot of effort to learn to work for the sake of a relationship versus a particular personal goal.  There is far more to be gained from working with someone than there is by controlling them.  The thing is this: we often aren’t even aware of our own greatness, and as keen as an outside eye may be, there is no real way to see the full potential someone has.  There is even less likelihood that we are able to make them be some version of that potential—they have to do that on their own.  If those efforts are so likely to fail then we can’t assume that we can mold them into what we think we need for our purposes.  It takes time to form a meaningful relationship of any kind whether friendship, romantic, business, spiritual, educational, whatever.  The best approach we can have is to ask what we can learn from someone and what we can contribute.  With that energy we learn about the dance and how both parties need to contribute to be successful.  It takes time to discover the magic in partnership.  Relationships aren’t easy—but building something on a solid foundation usually isn’t easy—the work is always worth it in the end.  So don’t let hard work deter us from what needs to be done.  Enjoy the dance–you never know the magic that comes from it..   

I was listening to my card reading on Friday and he said that I would get an apology that day.  I’d been working on a tough case with another team for nearly two days, and in the midst of that, one of the team reached out later at night and I had missed the text—it was unusual for her to reach out regardless so I replied back as soon as was reasonable.  When I saw it the next morning and responded, I got a message back that something had happened with one of her animals.  I felt awful and we talked through what she was going to do next.  Later in the day we were still working through the case and when it resolved I asked her what was going on with the cat, and thank goodness, all was ok.  I knew that she had lost one of her other cats right after we lost Loki so as we were discussing what happened with this new kitten, I asked her to tell me what happened with the last cat –and she did.  Her experience was just as traumatic as it was with my cat and I understood she had significant guilt over how it played out in her house just as I did with mine.  Through tears we both said how sorry we were for the loss and she added, “I had never really liked cats before but now I completely understand how you felt.” 

That was enough for me to qualify as an apology.  See, when I had lost Loki, I was beyond emotional about it and I still tried my best to keep it under control but I was so upset I at least needed to let the group know why I was upset.  So hearing her say she finally understood it made me understand that they didn’t get it at the time and there was probably significant shit talking at the time.  Look, I would never wish that type of loss on anyone, and frankly I was hurt by the lack of support from friends closer than my coworkers.  I had kept the information as casual as I could at work and still had eyes on me thinking I was nuts.  But I lost my cat first and went through it without support from the people closest to me—and then it started happening to them and when it did, the story/demeanor/behavior changed– as soon as it happened to them, it was different.  The support I never got flowed freely toward others experiencing the same thing.  Sometimes things happen so people can understand how others feel, and sometimes happen so we understand who is real for us, who is really there for us.  Sometimes things happen as they do for reasons we don’t understand, including apologies that lead to understanding between people we aren’t sure would ever understand us.  Life isn’t always easy and it doesn’t always make sense, but it always comes together as it is meant to.      

I never considered my behaviors addictive until I really began to examine how I felt with them but there comes a time when we need to change, we have to accept what we are and what we know as the truth.  I’ve been around enough addiction in my life that I can point it out in anyone—and I have.  But I didn’t want to admit my part in that.  I knew I had OCD and ADD and considered many of my behaviors tics, things I couldn’t control associated with the compulsion. Whether it was the completion of a collection of books (or lip balm, lotion, shoes, shirts, whatever…), I thought it was just that feeling of needing my nest whole and knowing where all my things were.  I thought the compulsion was the completion of the collection.  What I found out was that completing the collection didn’t necessarily fulfill what I was looking for and I was always off and on to the next collection.  I had to consider what was happening with this because that went beyond compulsion—this wasn’t about completing a collection, it was about making myself whole.  I never considered myself good enough to stand on my own so I looked to things to prove my worth.  My collections were impressive, they made me feel good. I started to need more and more to feel complete.  There was legitimately a compulsion to the completion of the collection as well, it was the ever present need to continue building collections that became the issue.   

Then things got out of control and I realized that I barely had space for the collections I built.  Soon the things I equated to my identity and power became overwhelming and no longer felt good.  I didn’t have any space for them and I didn’t have any space for me.  I wanted to buy to have control because I could always decide what I wanted and I could get it when I wanted.  I wanted the collections because it made me happy to have it all and it made me feel good to show people that I had it all.  There was no issue with follow through on completing collections—that was one area I was always reliable in.  I share this because this became an addiction.  I needed to spend, I needed to catch ‘em all no matter what it was.  I nearly drowned myself in it.  I felt like crap about it and it was one of the triggering factors in my later years of cutting.  It was a combination of the guilt of needing the collections, the fact that I shouldn’t have spent money like that, the fact that I really liked spending money like that, and that I was keeping myself stuck to prove my worth to people who didn’t care one way or another.  That was the real trigger: no one gave a damn about what I did.

I had been using these facets of my personality to excuse the pain of feeling incomplete.  I then transferred it to my skin instead of dealing with it within me.  I didn’t understand I was empty.  My self-worth was already nil and I had no clue how to fill my cup so all I could do was create this image, a persona of having it all together and having it all.  The truth always catches up with us and sometimes when it does it’s ugly.  My ugly truth was I was out of control accumulating things to make me feel better of an absence I didn’t realize existed.  I thought it was perfectly logical that people determined our worth and when people told me I was bad, when they told me I wasn’t worthy of anything, when they used me, I believed them.  Shopping never judges—until I started judging.  The feelings started shifting when I started hanging out with different people.  These are successful people who run their lives, own their own businesses and are at the top of their fields.  They don’t look to things to feel good, they look to experience.  And not one of them has any doubt about who they are.

Emotion is such a beautiful thing but it truly does skew the reality of the situation.  We have to keep our emotions under control or really understand where they come from.  As soon as that happens, things like addiction are irrelevant.  There is nothing we are addicted to except becoming the best version of ourselves.  The obsession transfers from what we can accumulate and how we can be recognized to what we can do, how we can improve what we can offer, and how to contribute more.  I don’t need things to do what I need to do—none of us need those things.  We just need the right tools and we need the ability to discern what we want and what is necessary to get it done.  My worth isn’t based on what I can show, what I have accumulated any more than any other person.  We use our talents and our gifts and all we need comes to us to share with those around us.  Sharing is the real wealth.    

Right after I saw the quote above I had an experience that shows the importance of doing and deciding—and understanding who is for you and who is against you.  I recently shared about a developing relationship with some newer friends and how we had been given the wrong impression of them from some other people in the neighborhood.  The more we spoke with these people, the more we realized we have in common, and we can have a good time together—and actually do have a good time with mutual reciprocity and discussion and conversation.  We were together a few nights ago (the friends who had been speaking ill of this group was also over there) and I was having a conversation with my friend’s husband about focusing on health and understanding where some of our health problems come from.  He mentioned wanting to make changes and to find the origin of some of his issues so he spoke about a specific blood panel and test and how he followed a person who had this specific test and turned his life around.  As soon as he started talking about that person, I knew 100% who he was referencing about the test—it was the mortality scientist/health and wellness expert we use in our side business.  As I’m explaining this to my friend/neighbor, he’s asking me questions and I told him to come and see the products we have that can help him get on track, this stuff is legitimate.  Right then the friend (who had previously been talking crap about this group) piped up with, “Yeah but the problem with your products is…”

I immediately cut her off and said, “There is no problem with my products, not everyone has the same body you do.”  This was the third time she has interfered with my work, with something that matters to me, with something that will help me help others.  She tried to continue her statement, talking about the ingredients in my products and I told the group we have the purest grade products sourced with permission from their indigenous locations and we are tested no less than two times, creating additional standards beyond what the FDA says we need to.  She then began looking for things online, acting like she knew what to use for what and the conversation fizzled.  I’m not hopeless with our other friends because they have both expressed a desire to get healthy and now that there is this direct connection with someone they were already interested in, I know we can have the conversation and find a way to help with what they are looking to accomplish.  Now, the same friend who started speaking ill of my products started talking to our other friend and she offered to connect her with some of the local chambers for advertising purposes—this is the second time she has offered to assist with someone’s business in that way.  Yes, she brought us the contact for the market and I am grateful, but she interfered at the market as well and disregards my work as a real business.  For a while it led me to believe that there was no market for me out here when there was no market for me with the people she would reference.

When people show their true colors like that, believe them.  It’s been a pattern and I can’t ignore it any longer.  This isn’t a healthy relationship and, while there were some good times and there was care in there somewhere, it was always conditional.  It was always about fulfilling their needs, doing what they needed, attending their wants/needs.  That isn’t to say certain things weren’t reciprocated—they were.  But that came at a cost of being available at any time anywhere for whatever they wanted to do.  It’s fine to attend to our friends as long as it is a reciprocal, as long as it’s mutually supportive.  I would never recommend another business in the same field as theirs, especially right in front of them.  Why would she suggest something else or try to dispute the reputability of my products to other people right in front of me?  It’s one thing if you have an issue with me personally, but do not create an issue for me professionally as well.  That isn’t a friend, that is someone threatened by what I’m doing.  We need to remember that we are the only ones who can make our dreams come true and even if the people around us don’t really support us, we still need to support ourselves.  Their opinion doesn’t matter and if they aren’t there for you the same way you are for them, if they actively undercut you, then it’s time to face the truth and let them walk away while we walk on and create our lives.