“Start paying attention to how your life feels to you, not how it looks to others,” Emma Davis.  This is a perfect goal for moving into the New Year.  In a society obsessed with how things look and wanting to control how we appear to others, our first concern is often how things appear to others.  We spend more time and energy trying to manipulate how people view us, how we appear to them than we do getting in touch with how we feel about our lives.  Often times the things that look good don’t feel good to us but we convince ourselves they are still good because they look good.  The more we distract ourselves, the more it seems normal to go for the things other people want—and some of those things are cool, no lie.  As we move forward, as we see the things that weren’t working before, we need to ask ourselves how we can make them work now and what we need to work in our lives.  I’m not suggesting we continue to try and make things work that have no business in our lives, I’m saying we need to take the time to find space for those things that feel right and spend more time doing those things.  Speaking from personal experience, when something feels right, it fits.

I got myself in the habit of finding what felt right and doing it for a bit and then stopping.  I never knew why I stopped but I think it has to do more with the old habits being more familiar than what I wanted to do.  We need to give new things enough time to become familiar and become routine, part of who we are before we stop them.  This year needs to be about space and grace and getting in touch with those parts of us that show us who we really are and allow us to strip away what doesn’t serve—what isn’t part of who we are but what we adopted as part of who we thought we were or what we thought people wanted to see.  The answers are always within how we feel.  The human instinct, intuition, are always present within us.  We just have to be aware of what our body is telling us.  Let’s take a silly example.  I’m a fan of a particular series that I know another person close to me enjoys as well.  I feed into it and I have never hidden the obsession—it’s fun, it’s truly harmless, and it’s inspiring.  This person enjoys it but restrains themselves and while we were together the other day, I offered them an extra of one of the items I have—and they were hesitant at first, but the more they looked at it, they decided they wanted it.  When we are honest about how we feel, then we allow what we love and what is meant for us into our lives.

While that latter point was a small example, the principle is the same: the more we allow what we enjoy, the more we enjoy.  If something that small, honoring and being honest with what we enjoy brings about such positive results, imagine what happens when we do it with our careers, with where we live, with who we allow in our lives. We align with a different frequency when we do what feels right.  When we do what looks right, we remove ourselves from what actually is right for us.  The more we practice doing what feels right, our life starts to look how we want it to.  We learn it doesn’t matter what it looks like as long as we understand what we are trying to accomplish and we enjoy how it feels.  Joy, the act of enjoying, having fun, and being aligned with who we are is a priceless feeling.  The possibilities that alignment open, are endless.  So rather than worry about creating an image, lean into what feels right and simply be who we are and do what feels right to us.  Learn to listen to our intuition, attract the life we are meant to have by being who we were always meant to be.  That is the greatest feeling in the world.  

I welcome this time and these changes and this new beginning.  I am grateful to begin again and to accept the healing that comes from leaving the past behind.  There is excitement here, on this new day, this New Year as there is always an anticipation of what is to come.  There is also a calm certainty and acceptance here—I know this isn’t a light switch where one day I am someone and the next day I am someone else.  There is work to continue to shed who I previously defined myself as so I can become the fullest version of who I am.  I start this day at home, settling in the new habits toward the life I want, the life that fits me so much better than what I’ve been trying to force myself to fit into.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared or unsure of what’s to come, especially because this is a deeper dive into my resolve to not be who I was.    I still am learning who this person is but I’m no longer merely wearing the persona as a coat—I’m here, fully showing up in who I am, fully committed and doing what I need to.

I’m grateful for the opportunities I have and I am grateful to be given another chance—I am grateful we all have another chance to be who we are meant to be.  That didn’t require waiting for a New Year, we can change every day—sometimes multiple times in a day and sometimes we do just that.  I am grateful to understand the power I have (we have) to set our course and be who we are meant to be.  Once we let go of the fear of what other people think and the presumption we need to be who other people say we are or that we need to live up to someone else’s obligation before committing to ourselves, we are entirely free to develop the understanding of who we are and what we are capable of—and what we can do with that power/those talents. 

I’m hopeful for things to turn out how they are meant to with commitment and patience and I trust I am able to withstand any curveballs this world throws at me.  I’m hopeful that I will understand that even if I don’t fully understand the things that happen and what’s coming my way that it will make sense in due time.  I’m hopeful a new, positive reality will settle over everyone where we will find a different level of peace so we can work together toward a positive, healthy existence for all.  I’m hopeful what doesn’t work will be left behind and that we will find a way to promote the greater good over power. That we will understand our power supersedes the power we are told others have over us and that we will no longer allow the system to dictate what we do. 

I trust my ability to fly rather than the branch to merely support me.  I trust that I can weather the storm and navigate anything that comes my way.  I trust that I am guided to do just that and that I will understand the signs with the utmost clarity.  I trust that I will take the actions that feel right even if they don’t make sense at the time.  I will remember that I am stronger than I think and I have survived everything else up until now.  I trust the support I need will be there whenever I feel down or weak as long as I ask for it.  I trust that even if I feel weak, I will be able to continue and no one will judge me.  The people that matter will be there for me.  And even if I feel weak, I can still be a backbone for others.  The right people support me no matter what I’m going through—they guide me when I’m being wrong and help me keep level in what I need to do and not let emotions control or dictate my actions. 

I believe my values and beliefs will set the tone for what I need to do.  I believe that being honest, authentic, vulnerable, real, direct, and aware will take me farther than trying to tailor myself to every single situation and being the person everyone wants me to be. There is only one of me and I am not meant to be anyone other than me.  I will no longer lose myself in trying to appeal to others and I will do what feels right for me even if it’s uncomfortable at first.  I know right and wrong and I know that I can trust my instincts.  I also know that I don’t need to keep my armor up all the time and that I can take the time to get to know someone before deciding they aren’t right for me but I will absolutely follow my gut.  I will lean more on faith so I am always connected to my inner guidance and intuition. 

I will love with all of my heart, every day—especially those closest to me.  I do not take for granted that the time we have is short—as they say the days are long but the years are short.  I am not going to continue to blink and find another year gone.  This moment is special, this time is special and I will focus on the priority in the moment rather than the fear of what someone thinks or that I should be doing what someone else thinks.  To love is a gift, and we have all been hurt, but I will dive into the depths of whatever kind of love it may be and I will be grateful to feel it, even if there are days it drags me under, even if I need to force myself to put a toe in again.  I’d rather feel it all than be indifferent to my life.  This isn’t a game and I don’t want to be numb because of the hurt or the perceived hurt.  I want to experience it all, trusting it will all be ok.  I want to love who I am with all of my heart as well, taking in every precious moment and exploring the possibilities of my creativity, of what I feel.  I am enough.

Move forward in power, friends.  Have hope and strength and joy, and revel in this miraculous time we have here.  Be present, be hopeful, be honest.  This year is what we make it so believe in where we are at and where we are going and we will always be guided.  Happy New Year.    

I started this year with the Eagle, and as I look outside there is a hawk in my yard.  The messenger of the winds of change is here and I feel the change.  More importantly I am ready to embrace it.  If this is the life I am meant to have then I need to dive into it.  I can’t allow other influences to derail me for the sake of what I feel others want me to do—their version of the “right” thing.  I need to do what is right for the person I’m becoming and if I’m leaving behind habits, then the habit of people pleasing and doing what is right for everyone else needs to be left behind as well.  I had every intention of taking 2024 by storm and I 100% built character, resolve, understanding, fortitude, and clarity.  I didn’t get as far as I wanted or as far as I thought I could but given the nature of what happened, I can’t be disappointed with where I’m at because it took a lot to get here.  If I look at the trajectory of the year, I went from dead ass focused and determined to lost, to unsure what my life would even look like, to not knowing if I could make a choice and then not knowing if I could see it through.  Then I went back to focused and understanding I couldn’t let the emotion of the situation determine what happened next.  Now the goal is more specific clarity for the goal, defining timelines, defining a plan to get there, commitment to the work and life I want to have. This year has been a testament to the fact that things can change quickly and we have to face fears, some of them we never thought we would, some we know are coming and we have to deal with the reality of it.     

If the goal is to let go and leave behind what was here and what came before it, the commitment is about letting go of habits and starting now.  Don’t worry about time, don’t worry about what any other fucking thing requires because all of that can fall apart and change in the blink of an eye. The opposite is also true in that all of it can come together just as quickly.   The universe is testing me right now to see if I am strong enough to be who I am meant to be, if I want the things I say I do and whether or not I will follow through.  Believe me, I do want them.  I feel it.  I taste it.  I’m ready for it.  The hawk came at the right time, telling me that what I have been promised is coming as long as I fulfill my part.  Be me.  finally, and completely, embrace me.  I use these phrases over and over again because I feel like I’m at that point where I’ve been able to do just that, embrace who I am and love who I am—and be strong enough to let go of who I was.  Death is never easy and becoming someone new, even someone we wanted to be, means letting the old version die.  It’s a challenging reconciliation in the mind because we wouldn’t be here without the actions that previous version of ourselves took.  But if we want to get somewhere else, we need to become the person who can get there. 

I can’t say the year wasn’t prosperous or progressive in some ways—I made a lot of progress on my book and other personal projects and I’ve had to adapt in certain areas of my life and relationships.  I’ve learned about the people I can trust and who I want around me.  I’ve learned who I am and what I will tolerate and I’m working on the boundaries.  I can’t sit here on the precipice of a new year, 2025, and think I have it all figured out, that my mapping and planning is going to be exactly how I want it to be.  Life doesn’t work like that and this past year has shown me that.  I spent so much of this past year in the unknown.  I began 2024 with the highest of hopes—my spirit animal on my annual New Year’s walk was an Eagle for Christ’s sake.  I know that I don’t want to continue the same patterns in my life, hoping, starting, stopping, fearing, crying, losing, trying only to get confused and not work toward anything.  I’m choosing a focus for this next year and that is follow through and completion.  When we complete something we can begin the next steps toward what we want.  All of these pieces of my life that have open ends need to be tied or cut.  The past needs to be put to rest.  I want to move forward with my health and creativity and build the life that I love with the people who matter the most to me and who value me back.  I want to move forward with belief, love, and peace.  Believe in myself, love for myself, and peace within.  The Eagle showed me what I was capable of and the year made me wait to see if I could sustain.  Now the Hawk is telling me there are the last few steps to take before I can really take off.  2025.  It’s here.

Life hits with some majorly unexpected curveballs sometimes and I’ve got some things that need to be let go of, released, and buried before moving forward with anything in my life.  Often we don’t realize the actual weight of what we carry with us.  Fear, regret, anger, pain—all of these things no matter the cause are incredibly heavy.  Each small pebble thrown on over the years, individually seems harmless, mere ounces.  But when we add it up over time, we are dealing with tons of baggage and emotions tied to it.    I’ve thought about certain events in my life for years.  The pain, the anger, the frustration, the feeling of absolute helplessness at being put in situations I felt I had no way out of.  The hurt of what the closest people did to me without a second thought or barely a sign of remorse—and this is not a victim thing, these are actual verifiable events of what was done to me.  I think about how much of that was due to miscommunication and misunderstanding and how much of it was the reality of the person’s feelings at the time.  And I realize that too, the constant gymnastics of trying to make sense of someone else’s thought patterns and their resulting actions, is heavy and exhausting—we can never know what was really going through someone’s mind—we have to take their word and we either trust or we don’t.  So this is about the act of truly leaving behind what no longer serves.  If we are ever to move on in a healthy and productive way, we have to navigate the tricky realm of honoring what we feel and simultaneously NOT assigning value to it.  Not to say our feelings mean nothing, but we don’t allow the feeling to determine or justify our actions.  When we decide to forgive an act, that act doesn’t go away but the thought pattern and emotion tied to it become null and void.  Forgiveness is the detachment of our emotion from the event—we don’t forget what happened but we don’t allow it to determine how we feel.  IE, one bad action doesn’t negate a lifetime of positive.  We move on.      

While I was always able to move forward, moving on has been a challenge for me—this entire time.  I have a gift where my mind is a steel trap for specific events, even more so for high-emotion, high-stress, high-impact events.  Certain events felt devastating to me for decades and I’ve finally managed to put them down to a dull ache where most days they aren’t consuming me anymore.  The desire for the truth never went away, but I got to a point where I didn’t obsess over needing to know—I have other things to do and I knew that if I spent my time fixated on the past (which is quickly becoming the DISTANT past), then I would have to accept not knowing—and accept my decision to stay.  Then, after a beautiful holiday spent warmly with love and affection (probably more so than any other holiday we’ve had together), time spent with family and enjoying each other’s company, without any warning, a specific event from over two decades ago was brought up from another person’s perspective.  This event gutted me at the time and I’ve struggled all that time to reconcile what was done with the pain of it without an apology, and it wracked my brain with near obsessive repetition for many, many years.  If I think about it too long it still makes my heart drop. And now, out of nowhere this person has the audacity to talk to me about their feelings and concerns and how hurt they were at the time when they were the ones who perpetrated the entire event—and now they talk about their pain related to my actions in the situation.  This was never something I thought I would have to defend myself about because I was NOT in the wrong on any level–this was a very black and white, action/reaction, decision/consequence moment.  Throw in this person NEVER acknowledged any degree of hurt or frustration in this before—quite frankly they acted near entitled for committing the act in the first place—and I’ve borne the weight of it alone and confused, wondering what I did to cause it when there was NOTHING to garner what happened.  Now I’m expected to evaluate MY actions in this?  Actions that resulted from what this person did to me?

I felt entirely suffocated in that moment.  First, I was hearing new information related to this moment for the first time in over two decades.  I’d spent all that time with one version (or a partial version) of what happened and now information was suddenly being disclosed, information that solidified even further it had nothing to do with me—it had to do with a third party’s feelings towards me and the “perpetrator’s” inability to step up.  When you have a specific version of events or you’ve had to piece together what happened and now it’s a different story, that’s a lot.  Second, I was being asked to essentially defend myself for things that were only speculation, half-truths.  Third, this couldn’t have been more left-field, especially hearing the hurt this person felt at the time.  I don’t feel I need to justify anything and my conscience is clean in that there was no malice in what I did—I just didn’t care how the “perpetrator” felt any longer and did what felt right for me. Lastly, questions of the last two decades like who we are together and do we love each other or because we thought the other person wanted it, are my feelings stronger than this person’s, and how DID we come back together, all insecurity came flooding through.  Suddenly it felt like all this time was a lie or wasted.  And I don’t want to waste anymore time in my life—and I want the truth, not necessarily about what happened, but about what we are doing together and how we are actually going to move on. In order to truly move on, we need to either hash it out entirely or bury it before it buries us. 

Now, as it pertains to more recent events, I’ve shared before that this past year wasn’t an entire dumpster fire by any means—my husband and I had some fantastic moments in making strides together as a couple, in progress with our business, and I’ve made a ton of progress with my health.  That isn’t to say this hasn’t been a difficult year.  Truthfully, this was the most time I’ve ever spent in limbo.  It felt like a majority of my time was waiting for an answer of some kind or other whether it was personally or professionally or related to someone close to me.  The wait is difficult enough without the added pressure of it being a life or death or life-altering situation.  Then there were the absolute left-field moments of unexpected loss and the realization that we never know how much time we have and we need to more carefully decide how we want to live, what we want to do, what we want to carry.  Even for things outside of my relationships, things related to work and my future and a path forward, what do I want to take with me?  Because I’m feeling the weight of all of those pebbles and I can barely drag the bag anymore let alone carry it.  I’ve carried it all this time as a mark of what I’ve done and what I’ve been through, as some history that would prove or justify my worth and decisions.  I’ve carried it in hopes of changing the event (which I know I can’t) or changing how I feel about it (which I am rarely successful at).  I’ve carried other people’s feelings about this as well, thinking if I bore the burden they would finally appreciate me.  They’ve only asked me to carry more. On the precipice of a new calendar year, hearing other people’s goals, I add my own: I’m putting down all the crap and deciding what works for me.  I don’t have time to deal with the left-field random crap that comes from my brain or others—to really move on, that habit needs to die.  And with it, so does the habit of rehashing those moments.  So for 2025, it’s letting go.  It doesn’t work, it serves no purpose, it stays here and goes no further.  This isn’t closing a chapter, this is closing a book and leaving it where it is. I was always afraid of forgetting but I never asked what I got out of remembering.  I don’t want to forget all of it, but I don’t need to feel it again.  So, I am grateful for my progress, for my life, for my future, my goals—and I am ready to say goodbye to what I thought I knew for what I want to know.  It’s time to move on.    

Today I am grateful for the ability to give back.  I’m human and fully willing to admit my self-obsession.  We all think about how things impact us and we make choices based on what is best for us—we just don’t always evaluate what that means and sometimes we have to look at the bigger picture.  I wasn’t a person who sought gain from other’s efforts—I was always careful on how I spent my energy.  I struggled with giving because I knew how hard I worked to secure enough for myself that I was afraid I wouldn’t get it again.  This past holiday season, I’ve felt an enormous compulsion to give.  I’ve felt blessed to share in a way I haven’t ever felt in my life.  I’ve always loved giving and receiving thoughtful gifts, but I wanted to make sure to make it extra special this year.  I never exactly took things for granted but I often had a narrow view—I could only see things through my lens—and I don’t want to do that.  I want to see how my life fits in the bigger scheme of things, the big picture for what I can offer and apply my talents to.  I have put in a lot of effort to create magic this season, and rather than feel tired, I feel energized and creative.  I feel I am thriving in my element to give like this.  I feel connected when I see things I know are for someone and I am able to get it to them.  I feel it is a sign of great connection to get something so personal, no matter how small.  The ability to see and be seen is the greatest gift we can give.  It is incredibly fulfilling.    

Today I am grateful for love.  Love looks so different for everyone.  We don’t always get to say what we want to and even if we have the opportunity it doesn’t always come out right.  One thing I’ve learned this year with painful clarity is that we need to take every chance we can to spend time with those we care about and to make sure they know how much we care.  People express and process emotions differently and all we can do is make sure to be present and help them through it.  Help them navigate things they haven’t before—there is a deep love in the ministry of presence.  Presence is all that is needed at times.  I think of the losses my family has experienced over the last two years and it has shown that grudges and misunderstanding each other has no place when it comes to time—that isn’t a game we will win.  Sooner or later our clock will run out and we have 100% authority and autonomy over our decisions—don’t decide to live in regret.  Take the chances we have now.  Be present now.  Show love and affection now.  Say what we need to say now even if it’s a hard conversation.  I’ve learned that, as hard as it is to say the difficult things, I’d rather live with the option of explaining and working through a challenging conversation than spend time wishing I had just said what I needed to say.  I’ve let my feelings get in the way too often.  I’ve let my interpretation of someone else’s feelings and behaviors get in the way.  We can never get back the time we wish we had—but we can make every effort to show love now, no matter how ugly that can get.  All we need to do is be there. 

Today I am grateful for support.  I’ve had some complicated experiences in my relationships over the last few months—not that I haven’t had complications prior to this, but the last few months have been trying in a new way.  I’ve been building new relationships with people and learning more about myself and as I go through that process, it amazes me how much we must continually learn about who we are to make better decisions.  We are always learning as we are constantly evolving—and we need to.  Life is always in flux and dynamics change between people because the dynamics change with our circumstances and who we are.  That is completely normal.  I’ve been blessed to find people who care and who have been there for me at different stages—I’ve also faced some of the darkest times in my life completely alone.  This isn’t unique by any means, we’ve all had that.  What I’ve experienced over the last few months was a shift in understanding about my needs.  I’d have no issue cutting people out for treating me like crap but I’d feel guilty or I’d feel bad—like I’d know it was the right thing to do but I’d always hear that voice in the back of my head making excuses for their behavior thinking it was about understanding them when really it was allowing them to walk all over me.  Finding the people I have in more recent weeks has been eye opening in seeing what it’s like when there is real mutual experience versus mutual interests.  Interests can bring people together but they can still be very different people at heart whereas mutual experiences shape people and their thinking in a similar way.  I’ve been manipulated and allowed things I shouldn’t have out of guilt and fear and I’ve manipulated people thinking that is what friendship looked like.  It is far more empowering to find like minded people versus trying to fit a mold.  I’m grateful to have that now.    

Today I am grateful for family.  I feel like this one needs to almost be a standing item of gratitude.  I know not every family gets along and certainly there is no perfect family, and I do not claim to have a perfect family.  But I have learned this year that any crap that happens between families, within families, or within our own minds is just that: crap.  Relationships are tricky even under the best of circumstances and it is really hard to let go of things that happen in the past, especially when we are hurt.  We only get one family.  I don’t suggest we allow ourselves to be hurt or taken advantage of, but I do suggest we evaluate where our ego gets involved and if we are being unnecessarily stubborn.  Family is a built in support, an education system, a belief system, a source.  Again, it isn’t perfect, but if we really stop to think about it, we are so fortunate to learn what we can from the people we are born into.  The struggles in life will take over if we let them and we will always find ways to resent those moments that feel like they took us off course or we believe resulted from someone else.  But once we understand that we have always done the best we could with what we have and that all of those people before us were human and doing the same thing, we create more space and grace to settle into the unit and even break some of those rougher habits.  Sometimes the family supports us and other times we support them.  We all learn from each other, It is a give and take.  I am grateful for both the support I have received and the support I give.        

Today I am grateful for fun.  Honestly, I think I understand more and more that fun is needed.  I know that we can’t ignore our responsibilities, but having fun needs to be part of our responsibility.  We need to take the time to decompress and enjoy what is around us, what we have built, what we have access to, and the people in our lives otherwise we start to take things for granted.  When we take things for granted we lose sight of the magic and that is when we become angry and resentful.  I truly spent way too much time trying to be that serious girl because I wanted to be taken seriously.  I thought I would always be held back and not allowed to move forward on my more serious dreams if people thought I was a joke—and many people have thought I was a joke over the years.  But I see now that allowing them to deter me from fun made my life even more challenging.  It put me in a position where I was always responsible for everything, it made me unapproachable, it made me frustrated, and it made me take things way too seriously—and it also made me miss out.  I missed out on learning how to connect, how to network, how to do some basic things, how to communicate, how to ask for and offer help.  I didn’t know how to play and I didn’t see the value in it.  AS of late I’ve decided to put more time toward play, toward presence, toward creativity.  There are 100% still things that need to be done and need to be taken seriously, but that isn’t how we have to live our lives.  We can address what needs to be addressed and not live waiting for the next responsibility.  We can create, we can enjoy, we can participate, we can speak, we can make mistakes, we can lead, we can follow, we can play—and we need to be able to do all of it.  There is enough trouble in our personal lives and in the world lately—we need to be able to stop and take stock, take perspective, and learn how to have fun as a tool. Let go of the hurt and the desire to hurt or have power over others, and embrace love and joy.     

Wishing everyone a wonderful week and a Happy, Healthy, Prosperous New Year ahead!

It’s amazing how the span of an afternoon can change things forever.  You never go into it anticipating something life altering, but it was the living example of the premise that one moment can change our lives forever.  To experience it 3 times within the course of the last week is intense.  Sunday afternoon I was working on my writing (my book specifically) when my husband and son went to our neighbors.  I joined them when I was done with my work for a late lunch that she had bought for everyone. We talked and talked—I listened a lot and found out about this woman’s character and saw her heart and understood she doesn’t have a lot of that female connection, the same way I’m missing it too.  The topic and tone of trust hit me hard.  She expressed so much of what I felt and experienced over my life, the difficulty of finding women/friends that can be trusted and who maintain that trust.  She and I are both people who defend fearlessly and have very strong senses of right and wrong.  Her best/closest friend is an Aries and mine was a Taurus.  I’m the Aries and she is the Taurus.  We both believe in karma and juju and sage ourselves, and she believes in manifesting and she is living proof it works—I actually want some lessons from her.  But what is amazing is how the universe brings people together over random crap like this.  I’ve mentioned before that I didn’t have the best impression of her from when we first met.  I acknowledge it was wrong of me to buy into what I was told from others.  What’s funny is how my longest relationship began in a similar way: I didn’t have the best impression of the person right off the bat.  Granted I knew more of that person and their reputation, but it turns out that was the person I found myself struggling to ever let go of, even to my own detriment.  That isn’t to be dramatic or say that is what will happen with this woman, but the point is, both relationships started with misinformation and possibly some prejudice.  And once the work has begun to get to know people, we see we can’t live without them. My opinion was corrected as we got to know each other, her kindness and generosity evident.  But in that afternoon, it shifted to something entirely.  I understood her and saw the connection—and that I could have connection again.  It’s ok to trust.   

Tuesday afternoon.  I thought this woman hated me from the start.  She absolutely didn’t have the right idea of me and had expectations of me that I clearly didn’t meet.  I’ve had similar experiences with people where I felt like a disappointment and had no clue why. Her confidence made it difficult to even have a conversation at times.  It’s funny, after speaking with her and hearing her opinions and thoughts on someone who works with us and seeing her behavior toward this person, I see she clearly didn’t like me in the beginning either.  Hearing her placate and speak to the other coworker, I see she did the same thing to me, especially in our first meetings where she was trying to teach me more about her team’s process.  We didn’t have the best introduction.  Between her not liking something about me and me not really knowing the role I had been given (I was not hired for the team that interacted with hers so it was a STEEP learning curve and I struggled hardcore), we didn’t give each other much space or tolerance for error/mistakes/learning who we were and what we were doing.  Over the course of this year as I have developed my strength and worked to understand the dynamics of the teams, I see that we are very similar people.  Again, the universe works in insane ways sometimes.  Again with the rocky impressions and beliefs about someone only to find out we are so aligned it’s like hating/having issues with ourselves.  The thoughts and feelings and the parallels in our lives, the experience themselves are uncanny down to very specific issues with our husbands, how we view ourselves, the sacrifices we made for our families, our belief in ourselves, and things we did to ourselves when we were younger.  There is no way that could be replicated.  The intimacy of the events experienced were damn near mirrored in our lives.  I’m not alone. 

Wednesday evening.  I’d come home from work and needed to get a few things done for holiday prep while my husband and son were across the street.  After some time they came back and my husband was already slightly inebriated.  We played darts and I felt my frustration rising because I no longer drink like I used to—previously I would have joined him.  I haven’t given up alcohol entirely, but I do NOT drink like that.  Seeing people drunk and trying to communicate with them as their ability to communicate decreases is so hard, especially when sober.  We’d had a significant argument this past weekend, ironically that was another shift—I’d been gone for about four hours after the argument and in that span I realized that I would not move forward another inch until things changed—and he knew it was true because I’d left.  When I got back at 4:30 in the morning, I told him that things needed to change and it couldn’t wait any longer.  So Wednesday evening- I had seen that every day so far he’d still been avoiding what was essentially the ultimatum I gave him to figure himself out and decide what we were doing next.  He realized it because I brought it up and I was very direct that I wasn’t kidding about what I had told him, it was time to figure this out.  He started talking about an opportunity we’d had a long time ago, one I hadn’t considered for a while.  I’d been crying about something with my family and the intense feeling of regret that washed over me and I felt like we were out of certain options.  He then brought up this opportunity and I felt regret in that moment as well because I looked at what could have been had we started this a long time ago.  But he stated that we could still do it and something clicked: was this what he wanted to do?  Was this what he figured out? Was this the way out of the crap we’d been dealing with?  And in that moment, intoxicated or not, he was clear to me.  He was scared and insecure about his options in life and he regretted not doing things sooner and was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to do it now.  I had the same fears and the same regrets.  So now that we’ve identified the issue, maybe we can actually do something.  Regret is only final if you let it me.  It’s ok to try again.

It doesn’t take long to change as long as we let the change happen.  The events align and suddenly it’s like someone turned on a light and we just understand.  I’d been feeling that for a while because the people that I’d previously been hanging around were speaking ill of the things I was doing and they weren’t very supportive of what I’d been doing—and that was on a professional level, trying to get my career off the ground.  I’d thought they wanted what was best for me but they just wanted me to do what they thought was best for them.  They didn’t understand what I was doing in the slightest and then started talking shit, right to my face.   And now there are people around me who are genuine, ironically the people I was told for so long weren’t genuine and were superficial or conceited.  I now I see they align with me more and those other people just didn’t want me to go because they thought they could control me.  Sometimes it takes the universe repeatedly bringing people together whether we like it or not to understand that we are meant to work together, that we can’t rely on what we are told about someone and we need to trust our instincts.  It only takes a conversation, or sometimes three in a week (maybe four?) to change perspective enough to allow the shift to just happen because we finally understand the truth of who we are and how all these pieces fit together.  Trust  that the right people will find us and when we are constantly brought together, we need to pay attention.  Watch the people who continually cross our paths because there is a message there.  A few hours can teach us a lot.  Like relationships change and evolve and some people aren’t meant to stay in our lives forever.  We need to be open to the correct support, learn from the past, hope for the future.  Sometimes the light needs to be turned on a few times for us to get the message.  The message comes at the right time, so really pay attention.

A theme of my life lately has been connection.  I’ve never done particularly well with women and how they behave but lately I’ve been getting opportunities to have conversations with some amazing women in my life.  I feel like the timing of this is key considering how things are going with the men in my life.  I need to find a connection to myself, to my femininity and my drive and find a way to balance it.  I’ve had two amazing conversations that I want to highlight in regards to forming this connection.  I’ve begun spending more time with the mother of one of my son’s friends—I’ve shared recently that this is someone I had initially written off due to a person she associated with and some ill informed information given to me.  The kids were together the other day so I went over. Nothing ever got super deep in our conversation but she shared some personal stories and she talked a lot about morality from the perspective of some people she had been friends with and a person she worked with.  She was talking clearly about trust and needing trust in a relationship and it hit home.  I didn’t share much in the way of my experiences with my husband but recent events played heavily on my mind.  It was very clear that she and I have similar values even if the stories/situations of how we got there differ.  We ended that night saying we both felt so comfortable with each other and we hugged.

A few days later I had a meeting scheduled for some training at work.  Over the last few months in particular I’ve come to a really good understanding with one of the people I’m in contact with often and this is someone I thought absolutely hated me in the beginning.  I understood that more of that came from misunderstanding and not having tolerance for a learning curve and my misinterpretation of who/what this person wanted to accomplish.  This person always has a strength about them and always looks so composed and put together and I’ve seen them in the heat of the fire and they are ALWAYS cool and calm.  Regardless, we had this meeting and it ended up being over a 4 hour discussion of everything that has been going on in our lives and our struggles.  When I say our stories were nearly identical, it was creepy to a level I’ve never experienced before.  Creepy because our history was even nearly the same in facets of self-harm and how we felt all the way through to insecurity about our current jobs and frustration with our relationships.  Like our lives are on nearly the same trajectory.  We had both been feeling so isolated and alone that all of our tension came from thinking we needed to handle everything on our own, that we had no one else and that we were always responsible for being the tough one.  This person talked about how their daughters are being raised to maintain friendships and I got the firm sense that they had given up exactly what I had and felt a loss of identity.  Everything from ADD to not finishing things to starting things well but no follow through, to irrational fights with our partners—everything matched.  And the surprise was uncanny.  Like there was a different bond there.  I told them that we can’t look at each other in meetings because we are going to crack up or cry all the time now.    

When I say I didn’t anticipate either of these relationships, I mean that these were people I either wouldn’t have considered hanging out with or I at least would never have thought we had similarities.  Both seem so confident in their lives and decision making and I feel wishy-washy all the time and insecure and uncertain about what to do.  I fear making choices that will upset others or not turn out how I think they should.  But there is a real connection with these women because we know each other’s stories—not just because we shared them but because we lived them.  There is a bond that comes from shared experience that can be difficult to describe.  The connection is about finding a match and understanding we aren’t alone.  The whole point is to find some sanity in shared experience.  I’ve always been a do-it-on-my-own girl and it has been hard for me to find trust in other people, especially in my closest relationship and in women.  But in these discussions I realized how much shit women carry.  I mean, this wasn’t exactly news to me because I’ve been doing the brunt of the work in my life pretty much forever.  But to hear other women, especially women that I worked with so closely and had such an impression of strength and aloofness about her, were experiencing the same exact thing made me feel like we are so not alone.  There is power in connection that goes beyond moving or changing things—the power is when that desire to move and change is ignited and we realize that together those changes are not only possible but probably.  We just need the follow through and the genuine connection, the trust in connection.

“Everyone has inside of her a piece of good news.  The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be, how much you can love, what you can accomplish, and what your potential is,” Anne Frank.  So on this day, I saw an old card reading and in it, the reader said that the things we thought made us weird as children were what made us special/unique etc. and that we are meant to do those things that make us unique.  Weird is a subjective term.  I threw out the diaries I kept from the time I was 8 years old…between 8 and 17.  I thought I was being noble and brave putting aside all of that “childish” stuff—plus so much of it was repetitive garbage that it didn’t hold much weight.  I never thought the words of a child could hold that much weight.  But the author of our quote today only made it to 13 years old, and look at the impact the words of a 13 year old girl held for the entire world.  I threw out over a decade of my life, no matter how banal or trite, I threw out those years.  I erased who I was from the world because I hated that version of me.  I often wonder if I had let the magic of that girl out and embraced her earlier on, if I had accepted her and let her be who she was meant to be, how much sooner would she have found herself and become what she was meant to be.  I had no idea of what I could accomplish and I still don’t always believe it.  But I know that there is power in words.  There is weight in the words.

As we wind down this year and prepare for the next steps ahead, consider the words we use about our lives, about ourselves, how we define ourselves.  Consider what we want, who we want to be, how we want to feel, how we want to spend our time.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of repetitive living and call it….living.  This life, no matter how trying or long will always prove terribly short for the things we want to do.  So don’t waste time doing anything other than what we want to do.  Even the tasks that we don’t want to do, make them things that serve the greater purpose.  Be who we are.  Allow that greatness to come out before we forget.  We are born with this inherent knowing of the power of the universe and the same power that resides in us.  We are trained to let it go, to sacrifice it for the sake of some ill-perceived obligation to those around us.  I whole-heartedly believe that we are meant to put aside all of the training we receive and remember how we feel.  Become incredibly close with our own knowing and beliefs and remember the insane possibility of who we are and do whatever it takes to make that possibility a reality.  There are people who have all the potential in the world and never get the opportunity to use it, there are people who serve so much purpose in their time here and we wonder what they would have done with more time—we never know what we have.  Don’t waste it.

It’s not a discovery of greatness, it’s a remembrance. Don’t let outside interference confuse us.  The more we remember who we are, the less we can pretend we are NOT that.  The sooner we understand that we are meant to heed our inner knowing and what feels right the sooner we can shed what doesn’t work for us.  The truth is that if we follow the patterns of those before us, and we see they aren’t where we want to be (or that they never ended up where they wanted to be), then we are meant to break the cycle.  We can’t get lost in the tradition of something for the sake of repeating a pattern.  Had I known who I was, who I was meant to be, I wouldn’t have dismissed my younger years.  I don’t claim to have had any sort of profundity at that time, but if I had believed in the possibility of what I would say, learn, and grow to become, perhaps I would have seen something else in me sooner.  I would have spent less time worrying about the approval of anyone else and simply been me.  Our lives matter, what we say, think, feel, and do with our time matters.  It doesn’t matter how much time we have, we just need to spend it well.  Remember who we are, because we all have value and enormous potential—it’s up to us to unleash it.

“The light reveals us to ourselves,” Anne Lamott.  There is beauty in this day, always, no matter what we believe.  I want to continue to spread a message of hope today.  My wish is that we all find our peace in ourselves so we can fulfill our purpose and be the best version of who we are.  It has always been said this day isn’t about presents.  The truth is it is about presence and understanding and connection and we can do that any day, and we need to do it every day.  There are a lot of things happening in this world right now along with our personal challenges.  These things happen—and they will always happen.  That is the nature of existence.  We ebb and flow, energy changes, we find ourselves and then have to find ourselves again.  It is the same with any journey.  No matter how dark it is, the way through is to continue forward in joy and authentic energy.  I’ve spent a lot of time in reflection lately because I’ve been looking for the light and what I’m seeing is that all I can do is be where I’m at now.  This year has been challenging in so many ways and my goal for this day was to bring forward a wonderful time for everyone because we need to celebrate together, in love and peace and hope.  That is what I always remember this time being about.

When I was a kid, Christmas and the days around it meant so much to me.  There was no concern about anything else in the world other than being together and celebrating.  I remember the work parties my Grandparents threw for the drivers in the office, the smell of cookies and cashews and drinks, running around the office with my cousin, the drivers and my dad playing cards—always a place for everything.  Christmas Eve was always spent at my dad’s parent’s house and it was more “formal” so to speak.  There was always the kid’s table and I couldn’t wait to go to the adult table.  My cousin and I were always together, counting presents, playing games, eating amazing food.  There was always a feast. We’d open presents and laugh and have some more dessert, then we’d go home and wait for Santa to come.  Christmas day began with magic, seeing all the gifts from Santa and having cinnamon rolls and French toast bake, then going to my mom’s parent’s and spending time with those cousins and aunts and uncles (this time bringing what we could of our new Christmas haul with us), we’d have another round of amazing food and open those presents and have dessert.  Then we’d go home and rest.  

The entire time was filled with light and love and hope and joy.  I’m not saying there were never frustrations—I’m learning more about that as I’ve gotten older and have been trying to balance everything to create a magic time for my son—but it always played out wonderfully.  And that joy is something I want my son to experience.  I want my entire family to enjoy that experience.  It has been a tough year for this family with losses and changes and making decisions none of us thought we would have to—at least not for a while.  There were some dark points. But I am ever so grateful we are here and able to celebrate together. Soon we will be planning for next year and putting our foot on the gas all over again—how nice it would be to do that with intention.  So, for today, focus on where we are at and what we can do.  Focus on the joy and intention of this moment.  Remember the innocence and joy and hope we felt when we were younger.  If you didn’t have that experience as a child, perhaps we can offer to be that for our children or the children around us today.  That’s a start to igniting that flame that will guide us forward and sustain us indefinitely—hopefully perpetually. Know who we are, love who we are, and be who we are so we can feel that joy always.  Take that intention moving forward with love, peace, joy, see the beauty in everything.  Be the light we need because the world needs it too; start where we are.  Start with some presence in the presents of today.

Merry Christmas   

Disclaimer: I’m taking some time to connect spiritually here so I have some religious context to discuss this evening—if it isn’t for you, I will be back to my regularly scheduled content tomorrow.

“We may not be able to get it together until after we show up in such miserable shape.  We learn to commune and pray at our lowest.  God can handle honesty and prayer begins with an honest conversation.  When you’re telling the truth you’re close to God,” Anne Lamott. This quote tells me what happens after that dark night we’ve been talking about—and the purpose of it.  That lowest point comes when what we are doing isn’t working and we have run out of options.  This tells me how we pick up the pieces when we feel we can’t go on and all we can do is move on.  How we find that light by removing the veil in our lives and seeing things honestly and completely, seeing how we’ve contributed to where we are.  How we have to surrender control and understand that letting go isn’t about admitting defeat, it’s admitting we need help. I used to question how a God would let us fall apart in spite of our greatest effort, how we could get so close we can taste it, and then it all falls apart.  I questioned how we can have such clear vision and still not reach the point of seeing it through.  I questioned how such beautiful things happen amidst ugliness and how it can be so ugly in the beauty.  I’d be angry for my losses, and resentful.  Life seemed a giant contradiction. 

I’ve had a tenuous relationship with God, but I’ve found myself turning to Him more often, quite frankly, in spite of myself.  I’ve shared the stories from my childhood where I felt the difference in belief between my Grandmother and Grandfather—to my Grandma belief was an obligation and I used to say that it was natural to my Grandfather.  As I’ve gotten older, I understand now the difference is that my Grandfather was curious where my Grandmother was afraid.  He Believed out of the curiosity of his heart and wanting to know what that connection to God felt like, where my Grandmother was afraid of what would happen if she didn’t believe.  So perhaps it isn’t Belief in spite of myself, perhaps it’s curiosity.  It wouldn’t be the first time curiosity has brought me to the very thing I thought I didn’t need.  On the eve of the birth of His son, I want to acknowledge the bigger picture.  It doesn’t have to be any type of religious experience or belief, but we are absolutely tied to something bigger—and that I have always believed.  We are guided and loved and we have a purpose.  Whether or not you believe that from a spiritual or religious standpoint is up to you.  For me I’ve always looked at religion as man’s work.  I 100% find value in it because I find very little wrong with a spiritual context based in love and helping– but I feel religion is about adhering to a standard of man, not God.  The following of our spiritual beliefs, that is God’s work.  I share this tonight because I personally feel like I’ve been through the wringer lately.  The last several years, decades, lifetime has felt like a series of jumping from one event to the next, like I’ve just been surviving.  I have so many beautiful things in my life, I am truly blessed—I don’t want to feel like I’m just getting by anymore or just hanging on.  I very much want to revel in the thrill and joy of life.

This night, Christmas Eve, and Christmas itself, is a dark night for some. Some of us are alone and confused, some of us are waiting for answers on a dream/goal/relationship, some of us are hurting and wanting to understand how we got here, some of us just don’t believe in the magic behind any of it—and I’m not just talking about Santa.  I personally spent this year in a very confused state of mind.  I may have lost faith at some points but I didn’t lose hope.  I know there is always a chance that things can change and often they do when we least expect it.  On this night in particular, surrounded by friends and knowing family will be here tomorrow, I am grateful and hopeful.  Hope is a great thing.  And for those of us who are struggling right now, those questioning what’s happening in their lives, remember this: The greatest trials were faced on this day in preparation to bring in the Messiah and still They moved forward in faith knowing that the pain and effort were meant to bring forth something so great the world had never seen it before.  Exiled, shunned, persecuted, the parents of Jesus were not living in glory on this evening, but they had hope for Glory.  The found refuge in a manger, cold, dirty, hungry, and in pain.  And in spite of that, life came forth—and not just any life, but Life.   The epitome of Light in the dark.  Even if you don’t Believe (and I didn’t for a long time), believe that there is life after this, there is light in us.  They say we are tested the most right before a breakthrough, and I feel that now.  This entire year has gone by in a blur, filled with moments of laughter and joy, but also fear and uncertainty and the necessity to live in limbo for a while, getting comfortable with the unknown.  In those darkest moments we need to remember the light.  Never let that spark extinguish.  Find joy and love and hope.