Today I am grateful for time with those I love.  We all know time moves on regardless of what we feel, think, or do.  We recently got some news about my father, and while it isn’t horrible, it brings to light the very real fact of time passing and mortality.  We go through these subtle changes in our lives where we are first one role, then multiple roles, then down to one role, and then our time is up.  We never know how much time we have with each other, how much time we have in a role, time we have to do the things we love.  There are a few things I understand differently: the person we will spend the most time with is ourselves so we need to make sure we are doing what we love or working toward what we love as often as we can.  The time we have with those we love is never guaranteed so we need to prioritize what we do and with whom.  Even though I am aware of the inevitability of our number being called, it can still be challenging when we are faced with that reality.  Live is too short to do anything other than what we love and with who we love.  Nothing is guaranteed so do not take it for granted. 

Today I am grateful for understanding that things aren’t meant to stay the same.  I’m in the middle of a challenging time in my marriage.  Between navigating my father’s issues, my health, being a mother, my career, my business, and my relationship with my husband, I’m seeing that in spite of all of our efforts, things sometimes just are what they are and people are how they are.  I know over the last 20 years I’ve changed significantly.  Perhaps more so in the last 3 years.  I wouldn’t expect anyone else to stay the same either.  I have a tendency to want things my way (I’m an Aries after all) but I see that there are just some things where I am fundamentally different.  Time and experience does that to us and I know the same is happening to those around me.  There comes a point where we accept who we are and how we feel about it.  And we need to allow the same for others.  As much as I preach evolution and allowing things to be how they are meant to be, the experience of it can be different because we often hope that people will change as we change given shared experience—but that isn’t the case.  There can be loss involved.  We just need to make sure that our growth isn’t hindered by the desire to keep things familiar.  Change is beautiful. 

Today I am grateful for a higher perspective.  This came out of nowhere. I recently had a second interview for a position at my 9-5 and it’s fascinating speaking with people at a different level.  The roles and their purpose operate differently even than they do at a management level.  There is so much freedom to operate with a more creative scope and there is a different focus.  From management and below it’s about getting a job done.  Above that it’s about creating that vision/goal.  I’ve been in the same industry with the same company for a long time so I was set in the belief that the roles were just set as they were.  Doing what we’ve always done got us nowhere so seeing the opportunity to change it is liberating and freeing.  There are other ways to think, other ways to accomplish things that go beyond the typical power plays in corporate roles.  When creativity and collaboration are forefront, amazing things can happen.

Today I am grateful for truth. No matter how hard it is to accept at first, truth is the thing that will at least set us on the right path.  We can’t move forward without resolving to understand how we are meant to move forward and that means understanding what we are meant to do, understanding what we are feeling—and understanding what others feel about us.  We can’t make people be who we need them to be.  We can’t make them feel a certain way about us.  We can’t change it when they change their minds.  But knowing the truth gives us the option to decide what works for us.  To decide what we want to do.  We are not reliant on other people’s needs especially if they do not coincide with our own.  Our lives are too short to spend it trying to be someone else or trying to make someone be someone else.  Know the truth.  Accept the truth.  It gets easier to move forward with practice. 

Today I am grateful for confirmation.  As uncomfortable as it is, I appreciate confirmation of the path I am on.  Knowing that the discomfort is simply part of growth is encouraging.  Things often look most fearsome when we are in the throes of change, learning to make the unfamiliar familiar.  We must simply press through it as long as there is no indication that something is wrong with the path we are on.  Sometimes all we need is a reminder that things are as they are supposed to be—it can be ugly, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t part of what we are supposed to do, what we are supposed to experience.  We may not understand it to begin with but knowing we are where we are meant to be is a relief. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

As we spoke about confidence we need to discuss how we get there outside of the feelings and how we embrace confidence instead of simply emoting it—we need to talk about the actions.  So this is what leadership means: the act of leading a group of people or an organization.  Sure, we can gain confidence from leading others but so often, especially in this society, leading others becomes an issue of ego and power.  We want a title or a position to be perceived as powerful, in authority.  But the most important facet of leadership, the thing that develops us into someone who has confidence to become who they are meant to be, is the ability to lead ourselves.  We all have the capacity to lead, but it takes discipline and a sense of self to lead effectively.  Discovering the leader within and understanding the role of leadership in our personal lives leads us to understand that we don’t need to hold a title/position in order to lead our lives.  We need to treat each aspect of our lives with leadership and accountability in order to progress where we want to be.

 I’m not talking about “seriousness” or perceived authority or even having it all together—I’m talking about owning the moment and taking responsibility for how we want to feel and how we want to approach what we want to accomplish. The real premise and idea of leadership is taking accountability for every facet of our lives and seeing it through. The following pieces are all from Robin Sharma’s The Leader Who Had No Title. That book is filled with gems—most of these came from the first few chapters but I could take snippets from the entire book.  The book is about taking responsibility for our lives and finding the inner strength to move forward, to take accountability for the way our lives are and getting to where we want to be.  It’s about using our voices to share what we know is right and to live how we feel is appropriate without harming others.  It’s making decisions that are right for us and following through on them.  It’s putting aside our sensitivities in favor of what is right for all.  It’s standing in the moment unafraid of what people say or think, secure in the knowledge that we can handle whatever comes our way. 

These are some musings as I’ve progressed from talking about decisions and then giving up on them when things don’t go quite right.  I’ve learned that we can’t just talk about what we want in theory because without practice we accomplish nothing.  That means making a decision and seeing it through even when things get rough.  It means that what we say, think, and feel may not be of the popular opinion but we see it through anyway because we know it’s right.  The world doesn’t always operate in absolutes or even with clearly defined right and wrong.  It’s up to us to navigate the labyrinth of work we create for ourselves and to identify if what we are doing is no longer working.  It’s up to each of us to let go of the fear of what people think, let go of the system, and create a different way to go.  Leadership is never about power, it’s about a common goal and an outcome achieved that benefits all.  Leadership isn’t a solo act, it’s a collaboration and a guiding force rather than a directive with only one outcome.  It’s an evolving thing and we need to understand the communal nature as well as our individual responsibilities.  Confidence and leadership are enough to change the world.

Decide what you want. Make a plan and work on that shit every single day.  No exceptions, no excuses.  If we want to move the needle then we have to embrace the entirety of who we are and the responsibility for that version of ourselves.  It’s that simple.  We tend to overcomplicate it because we are trained to think that there are only certain ways to survive or thrive in this world.  More often than not we get caught in survival, believing that’s how this life is meant to be.  Or we feel comfortable there.  But the choice is always ours.  We get to decide who we are and where we go.  So make a choice and focus on that every day.  Work toward that every day.  1% better, 1% more, 1% closer, and 1% shifted toward the outcome we want every day.  Over time that turns into exactly what we are looking for and suddenly the life we’ve dreamt of is here.  Live now by creating what we are searching for.  Allow our feelings to guide us to that version and live the most authentic, purposeful, and lively way we can possibly thing of.  Enjoy it all, create it all.

“Step out of the history that is holding you back.  Step into the new story you are willing to create,” Oprah.  This is a quick affirmation of what we discussed yesterday.  When we hold onto the weight of an identity we created because that is what we know, we will only ever be able to operate from that.  We tell ourselves the same thing over and over again and that is what we come to believe, feel, and then experience.  We can allow our history to be the thing that keeps us trapped or we can use it as a platform to rise above.  If what we’ve done led us somewhere further from where we need to be, it makes no sense to keep going in the same direction.  It doesn’t necessarily mean turn back either, but it is an indicator that we need to shift the path.  We will only ever get what we believe we are worthy of and what we take action on.  It’s only with new patterns, thoughts, and actions that we will see new results.  The same story gets us the same results—we know exactly what comes next.  It’s literally like re-reading the same page over a thousand times instead of moving through the book. We spent all that time reading but it got us nowhere. 

Don’t’ spend our lives like that.  We are meant to take in and read the entire story.  More importantly, we are meant to create the story.  We aren’t merely reading someone else’s book, we are creating our own.  There is immense power in that because we can create anything we want to.  The key is to find what our hearts are already telling us and to follow that.  This life is a gift and we have unique stories, voices, feelings, thoughts, and beliefs for a reason.  There is no need to hide behind a false narrative—that becomes a burden to keep anyway.  We only need to share exactly who we are.  If we identify that we are repeating our history then we need to consider that feeling a sign to pick up the pen and turn the page.  I know it can feel scary to bear the burden of what comes next but it’s even scarier to know that someone else can dictate what comes next for us if we allow them.  Stop that pattern and choose to create something new, on par with who we are, something that feels right.  Choose that path as many times as it takes to steer us to where we are meant to be.   

Continuing on the theme of what’s holding us back: there is such a shedding of weight when we release the fears we keep inside.  It can be very literal or it can be a feeling we have, a constant refrain or thought we carry about who we are.  It’s the false beliefs we’ve trained ourselves to believe are real.  Even those false beliefs can be classified as traumas because the brain continually repeats something, even something destructive, and it integrates that thought into what we believe we are capable of.  That negativity is pervasive and it can take over our minds and energy.  As we spoke about yesterday, we often think that is what’s protecting us but it gets to be a burden.  As soon as we release the shield we’ve created, there is room to breathe, there is room to flex and move freely in our own skin.  It is in learning to move in that state where we really develop our gifts and talents.  It’s there where the things we are meant to have flow to us because we are in the energy we were always meant to be—our own. 

As we continue to develop and evolve, as we resonate with our own frequency and energy, one more question develops: What is there to fear in a life that is bound to end?  There is no other outcome possible in this universe: death is inevitable and assured.  I know this can be distressing to fully consider—it freaked me out for years and it only reinforced my neurosis of doing things perfectly the first time around.  If I wasn’t perfect I wouldn’t do it, if I didn’t get it right I punished myself.  The reality is that the more time we spend trying to be perfect, the further we get from being who we are.  I’ve said it before: the goal isn’t to be perfect, it’s to be perfectly who we are.  There is a transition that happens as we near certain points in our lives and we learn to understand that there is no reason to be anything other than who we are, that time is precious and that we devoted far too much time to being something/someone else anyway. 

While there is this finality in death, it is also a great motivator.  After a certain amount of time we will literally be nothing more than bone and ash so what do we need to worry about in the grand scheme of things?  What is the point in fearing stepping into what we want to do.  Yes, there are certain actions with very real consequences, but if we are only following our calling then we can never be steered wrong and we will always prevail.  We are most definitely meant to succeed in our own skin, whatever form that metaphor takes for us—swimming or flying.  The bottom line is that there are both kinds of skin and one isn’t any better than the other.  But when we judge a fish by it’s ability to fly or when we think we are wrong because we know how to fly and not swim, that’s when we lose sight of that uniqueness and we allow our true purpose to either become a burden or something to hide.  Release the burden and allow the inherent greatness of who we are to shine through, no matter where we are.  The world needs us in our highest form—and that is the core of who we are.

As a kid I always used to try and sound or be like someone else. I wanted to sing like someone else, I wanted to dance like someone else, I wanted to look like someone else, I wanted to be someone else.  I don’t know what it was about me that so deeply and innately struggled with even liking myself.  I wanted to be accepted and I never felt accepted by those closest to me.  I always felt like I had to put on airs and prove who I was—and I was still left behind.  When all those people left and I was truly on my own, the real struggle began because I didn’t have my own voice.  I had to learn to use it again.  I had to learn what it sounded like to declare who I was/am.  I had to learn what it felt like to stop giving into people and stand my own ground.  I think that’s where the power plays came in in my life—I was so tired of people walking over me and talking over me that I became an aggressive control freak.  It took me a long time to understand the point of finding our voices: it’s to learn, acknowledge, and honor our own sound.  We find our voice like we find our own skin.  As we get comfortable with the sound, we get more comfortable in who we are.

When we find our own voices we can sing our own song.  Trying to be someone else and spending our time trying to be like someone else only inhibits who we are from showing.  We hide a lot of greatness and meany people let time slip by them being who people told them to be or simply ignoring that inner voice that guides them to who they are supposed to be.  The universe wants to hear us and all we’ve been doing is trying to copy someone else’s tone, someone else’s story.  We do it to protect ourselves so the core of who we are isn’t rejected.  But sometimes the very thing we are holding onto that we think is keeping us safe is the weight that holds us down.  It isn’t until we are drowning that we can tell what helps and what hinders us.  We need to let go of what hinders us so we can stop the struggle and swim.  When we hear that calling, we know need to do something different.  We need to trust that even if it’s different, even if it’s scary that we are meant to be where we are.  Our voices and our stories are meant to be heard.  We no longer need to hide behind anyone else or copy someone else—we can stand in our own power and focus on what makes us who we are—the things that make us great come from that voice. 

We are given unique thoughts, feelings, desires, talents, and voices so we are able to resonate with the frequency of who we are in the universe.  There is no sound like our own and even if we harmonize with others, we still have our individual patterns.  Don’t lose that and don’t forget our uniqueness because we are uncertain about whether or not our true voice will be accepted.  The universe can’t hear us if we are disguising ourselves.  Stepping into our power simply looks like sharing our sound and ideas and allowing the beat of our heart call to and respond to what is meant for us.  We struggle behind the identity we create instead of allowing who we are to flourish.  Until we learn to swim we will feel like we are drowning with the weight we thought would save us—it’s not a life raft, it’s a lead shield.  Stop trying to be someone else and simply allow who we are to shine through.  All that is meant to be will come because it has no choice but to respond to the frequency inside.  We are all worth sharing that voice.  The universe wants to hear us sing.   

For the moments when we have to find ourselves again from ground up.  For the moments we need a reminder of our strength, beauty and awesomeness.  From within shows without.  Remember who we are—uninhibited, wild, magical.

The love we have to have for ourselves needs to be immeasurable.  We need to shed, cast off the thoughts that people place in our heads, sullying the way we feel.  More than love, we specifically need to know everything that feels good to us.  The sway of our hips, the feel of our skin, the way our hair falls, they way we step, the way we stand, the way we sound, the way it feels to speak, the way it feels to be embraced and accepted, the way it feels to put on something that just fits, the way it feels to simply fit, the way it feels to sit in our own skin,  the way the music moves us—and what music moves us, the way it feels to be naked with ourselves and possibly with someone else without criticism, the way we take care of ourselves and handle ourselves, the way we believe in ourselves.  It is sacred—all of it.  We know when we treat ourselves poorly even if we don’t name it in the moment.  We know when something doesn’t feel right, when our battery is low, or when we’ve been a little extra hard on ourselves.  We know when we allow the tension to spread—even if it’s sub or unconscious—our bodies tell us everything we need to know. 

The ability to stand in our own presence and say I am fucking worth it all and if you don’t like it you can leave is the most powerful stance to take. The ability to walk away from those who do anything to cause us harm, the ability to stand up for ourselves and use our own voice.  Confidence allows us to declare without yelling who we are and what we stand for and then only accept that. It allows us to sing our own song  It allows us to shed what no longer suits us and become the greatest versions of ourselves.  Falling into those habits is all too easy when we aren’t in the right frame of mind or surrounded by the right people—confidence allows us to respectfully separate from those how don’t support us.  The love and confidence we have for ourselves stems from massive belief in who we are.  We believe in ourselves by trying new things and learning what we like and what we are capable of.  And we do all of that by shutting out the world and learning to be still with ourselves.  This cyclical pattern of finding and becoming and loving/embracing and accepting ourselves is how we evolve.      

Today I am grateful for a new perception.  We all have moments when we think we understand something and then find out it was the complete opposite.  Sometimes our perception tells us that we are doing something wrong because it doesn’t feel right.  Sometimes our perception is right on but we deny it in hopes something else comes through or because we don’t feel comfortable dealing with the situation.  But when the perception changes toward truth, or uncovering a truth we’ve know and felt, then that is the most freeing situation we can be in.  When reality changes and it’s something your gut has been telling you, you have no choice but to listen.  I’m grateful to have understood my gut.  I see those around me uncomfortable trying to maintain what they always did when the entire game has changed.  Now I make moves.  One decision changes it all, one affirmation or confirmation of belief keeps us pointed in the right direction.  See what was always there and believe it—they think they have you fooled but trust the gut.  We see it for a reason and I am deciding to play differently.

Today I am grateful for fun.  I’ve fallen deep in the pattern of taking work too seriously again.  Things have been like a chess game lately and I’ve found myself more defensive than living and it was getting to me.  It felt like everything I did was being watched, critiqued, and then cut down, that all my work has been deemed irrelevant.  It also felt like unnecessary stress was put on me just to see me crack.  I could only take so much and I lost it at home.  And then home was rough and friendships were tough… So I came home early to start the holiday weekend and I spent time singing, hanging with my son, taking care of my animals, taking care of my husband and I—and trying to reconnect after the disaster of a fight earlier in the week.  There are times we simply need human touch, to hear laughter, to find that laughter within ourselves in order to reconnect with our humanity and each other.  I know I needed to come down off of the last 12 weeks of non-stop pressure to perform.  It’s time to stop playing the game where I let people make me feel like I have to perform for them.  I have my own agenda, my own dreams, desires, my own life—and I don’t need their permission to do it.  So I let my heart sing a little and I felt better.  It’s amazing what allowing ourselves to be a little freer does for the soul and mind.  And the laughter card came out right after this. 

Today I am grateful for becoming clearer on how to blend life.  I understand how fun incorporates with being taken seriously.  Actually taking fun seriously is a good way to look at it.  When we dive in and entirely immerse ourselves in a dream or in an idea we learn the ins and outs of it and then we can seriously move forward.  If we want to be taken seriously we need to find our passion or something that moves us and we need to make moves that align with it.  When we talk about an idea it’s easy to let time slide and people see that we aren’t taking it seriously because we aren’t doing anything with it.  So when we get behind our own desires and back them with action, even if it’s something fun, we make progress.  Not that we need to prove anything, but that magnetic energy and understanding of what we stand for and our values becomes crystal clear when we act on it.  Loving what we do is important, loving who we are is more so—and supporting our own beliefs is life. 

Today I am grateful for evolving habits.  I’m working on dedicating myself to a new lifestyle every day.  I have things to learn where I’m at, there is no mistaking that, but I also know that is coming to an end.  I am moving forward and building the life I want.  The vision of what I’m working toward doesn’t include some elements of where I’m currently at.  For the things I want, the type of freedom I want, the things I want to create, I know there are facets of my habits and beliefs and training that will not work.  It’s feeling more and more uncomfortable trying to maintain those old things in the face of the new.  As I’ve spent more time in the new habits and working toward what I want, the old is feeling less and less comfortable.  I’m getting more comfortable declaring what I want and feeling what I want and then acting on it.  The more things feel uncomfortable, the easier it is to let them go.  There is no point trying to stay the same when our souls, hearts, and minds are crying for something different.  We aren’t meant to decide we are one person and do that for our entire lives—we are meant to change as we learn and to grow.  Allow it to happen. 

Today I am grateful for small steps.  I’ve had a habit/pattern in my life where I take a gargantuan leap forward and then realize it’s too much.  The support I need wasn’t able to make the same leap so I find myself alone.  I’d get distracted and go back to what I knew—and I didn’t like feeling alone on the ledge.  It’s time to understand that the leaps aren’t necessarily working—at least not to the degree I was taking them.  Small, consistent steps every day, reminding myself of what I’m doing these things for, staying on track every single day are significantly better than throwing everything away and losing our footing in something new.  Take the gradual integration of what we know and what we learn and keep taking those small steps every single day.  We can figure it out. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

This piece requires a little introduction.  These were just some thoughts I had after an argument the other night—and it struck me that we never know what is going on in someone’s head and we need to believe what they show us, who they show us they are.  It also is a reflection that we can be with someone for a really long time and things change, the dynamic of the relationship changes as we evolve.  That’s natural.  Sometimes we react in the moment or we react with fear and it isn’t how we’d normally respond and it isn’t really indicative of how we actually feel.  I know I’m guilty of that—heck, in the argument I know I was guilty of it then.  The question becomes how do we discern between what is the person’s character and what was simply a moment that we work through.  The initial quote came at a really good time because we all have forks in the road, and truly that fight felt like one of them.  I’ve hit a milestone in my life and I’m working on changing myself for the better, on letting go of what wasn’t working for me and I know those changes are difficult for those around me.  But am I going to stick with what is healthy and good for me or am I going to repeat the patterns and give up?  I’ve come too far.  

“When you come to the fork in the road, take it,” Yogi Berra.  We all have moments when we have to make decisions in life, when we reach a point where we have to decide one way or another, to continue the same path or take something new, or to let it all go and start over.  The premise of the quote is to simply move, make a decision and just go with it.  Go with what feels right.  Following our conversation yesterday about relationships and different opinions, we need to acknowledge that sometimes this is where we are at as well. If something is no longer fulfilling, if something is no longer working, we have to decide to fix it or move on.  I’m tired of working to fix myself, the relationship, and him.  There comes a time when we need to accept that the person simply will not or does not want to continue with us.  We can’t spend our time wishing or forcing someone to be who they are not.  We can appreciate the times we’ve had together, appreciate the lessons, and then understand it is time to move on.  My pride has kept me in a certain spot because I thought I was owed something for what I endured.  I thought that I was worth genuine change for the support I had offered, that I was worth what I was told he wanted.  There is only so long we can believe that someone is who they say they are without action that matches it.

Right now I’m struggling with acceptance, anger, and resentment.  I’ve sacrificed so much, I have endured so much with him—and now I have no choice in his decisions—and I’m realizing I truly never did.  I’ve taken care of nearly everything and I’ve had to do so much on my own while he has fought against me every step of the way in spite of me doing what was right for us collectively as a family—and I held on because he told me he wanted the same things I did.  I should have believed what he was doing instead of what he was saying.  It feels like my life is spinning out of control when he gets to move forward and find happiness.  I can too, it just feels so overwhelming knowing what could have been, knowing we were together all this time and he never really wanted any of it.  That he stayed with me out of guilt and still didn’t do what was needed.  That he still fell into the addictions and habits and patterns of the past and couldn’t stop himself.  To know that for the last two decades I was tolerated and not loved. 

As painful as that fork may be, or as challenging as it is to have to make a decision between options we never thought we’d have to face, we still have to decide.  Life moves on and instead of one particular outcome over another, we may have to choose happiness.  We may have to let the other person choose happiness.  We have to accept that we simply may not be cut out for each other.  In either case, no matter the decision, we have to give the other person grace and space to be who they are.  I’m learning to be myself and I know that I’ve come really far over the last 45 days.  I still have a ways to go but I know that this is a reflection of who I am.  I feel good, I feel more myself.  I hope there is space for this new person in the version of the person he is becoming because I still feel we have this power together.  I don’t know what is coming down the road, but I know as I am releasing the old and becoming the new, I need to love myself, and keep the space and grace for myself too.  I don’t have all the answers, but I know what I feel and I know no matter the outcome, I will still stand on the other side.