Worries can’t add a single moment to your life.  If worry can’t do the little things, then it certainly can’t do the big things.  So relax, trust, focus, and follow through.  The mind is incredibly powerful, yet left unattended, it will bring us to places that serve no purpose for us. It can bring us to places that will stop us in our tracks or distract us from staying on the right track.  The mind will turn to worry in times of uncertainty, yes, as a primitive response, but we are able to discern what truly is a worry in this day and age.  We can decide what is a threat and what isn’t because the threats aren’t the same as they were before.  Our job is to train our minds to focus on what is important in the moment.  To make decisions based on what we know where we are with what is happening.  We also have the gift of foresight and intention and we can direct our thoughts and energy where we want to go.

Knowing that we have the power of discernment, we can decide what is good or bad for us.  What creates needless worry and what is productive energy.  So many of us act from a place of caution and trying to make sure things turn out exactly as we plan because we expect a certain result.  This is control and the universe does not respond to control.  It responds to flow.  The natural instinct is to want to fix and make things happen and sometimes we aren’t able to do that.  Sometimes we have to move onto something else and allow things to take their natural course in life.  All we can do is flip all the puzzle pieces over so we can see what we are working with, trust they are all there, trust they will all fall into place—more importantly that they all fit so they CAN fall into place. 

Once we learn to accept that there are times that things don’t make sense in the process of it, we can accept that they always come together how they are supposed to.  We need to do our part and allow the rest to play their part as well.  Worry is an unproductive waste of time and creates unnecessary stress.  Things are destined to be a certain way and they will happen no matter what we do.  So instead of working on changing the course of something beyond our control, work on aligning with and understanding the flow.  Learning the twists and turns, anticipating the shifts in speed and course.  As a person with control issues myself, I know how difficult this is.  But the truth is we can’t alter anything anyone else does.  We can’t stop the inevitable.  So learn to dance in the uncertainty and trust that all will come to be as it is meant to.        

“You are going to fail.  That is not a negative thing.  Learn from what you did and if you fail again at least you are one step closer to getting it right,” unknown.  This wasn’t attributed to anyone, it was just on my calendar but I loved the quote.  Unless we sit in that pristine box for our entire lives, failure is inevitable at some point.  We have this concept that failure is a bad thing that is one of the hardest hurdles to get over.  No one likes to fail. No one likes to be seen struggling.  There are very real reasons for that still sitting in our reptilian brain, the survival mechanisms that tell us we are going to die if we are exposed, that one mistake can mean we are eaten alive.  Shifting from the idea that a mistake can kill us to a mistake isn’t the end of the world is hard.  And don’t get me wrong, I understand very clearly there are certain mistakes we can make today that are still going to kill us. So the shift needs to happen in discerning the importance of the failure and the risk.  Those situations that have potential harm need to be reconsidered while those that are merely embarrassing aren’t so important.

As I said, unless we spend our lives in a box we are going to fail at some point.  It doesn’t mean it’s fun to fail.  It means we are human.  It’s part of our process.  We are meant to give into the things that call to us because they lead us to our purpose and passion.  That doesn’t mean it will all be smooth sailing.  No, there will always be some rough seas because we need to learn to navigate the waters of our lives.  When things are too smooth we only know how to drive when it’s perfect.  The weather can change at any time and we need to know how to adapt.  Something I never wanted to admit was that my life was pretty smooth because I was afraid to take chances on the things I really wanted to do.  I never thought I would succeed at any of it.  I never learned how to navigate disappointment because I went for what I knew I could do.  Not that I didn’t enjoy those things, but the things that really lit me up often took a back burner because I was afraid to admit I wanted it or I was afraid I couldn’t get it.  I thought failure meant fail forever, not learn and try again.        

“Don’t look at your feet to see if you are doing it right. Just Dance,” Anne Lamott.  I’ve often been confused by the idea of someone deciding that one way was THE way.  The idea that we need to compete in things that are meant to be unique to us and flow from the soul, and that something we hear in the soul is somehow wrong.  Everyone will have an opinion on something at some point but we have the ultimate say in continuing on our path or not.  We get to decide what is right for us.  We allow ourselves to get in the way if we start telling ourselves the story of comparison and that the only way something can be good is if we do it the same way it was always done.  The greatest pieces of art come when we are fully in tune with who we are.  We hear something that is meant only for us and we create something that we are meant to, and we act on it to bring it to life.  That isn’t something we get from doing what we are told—that is something we get from going out and learning the steps ourselves.  It doesn’t matter if our steps look a little different from everyone else.  They are meant to look different.

Just as no one can tell us what to do, no one can tell us what to feel.  We are the only ones who know what we feel and what feels right.  We are the only ones who know when we are ready to move forward.  Many of us make the mistake of thinking things need to look or feel a certain way to move forward when all we need is the belief that it’s the right thing to do.  Waiting for things to be perfect is a stall tactic and I am all to familiar with that.  If we wait for perfection we will never move.  I told the story about these specific pens I really liked that I was saving to use for a special time.  It never came and I ended up having to throw those pens out because they dried up.  I just found some lens wipes that I’ve had because I was saving them thinking I couldn’t get more, and they are all dried up as well.  We don’t want to let the well of our creativity and our emotion and the possibilities we all have dry up because we are waiting for the right time.  Now is the right time because it is the only time we have.  Take every precious moment we have with those we love and do the things we love.  There isn’t a right way—there is only the way that calls to us.  That is the way that is right for us, and that is all that matters.

“There is nothing anyone can say that is going to make you do the things that you know you should be doing,” Bishoi Khella.  We need to determine what that “should” is.  I watched a fascinating live the other day where one of the coaches asked the question about what we think the problem is with ourselves.  She didn’t want the circumstance, she wanted the participants to actively say what was wrong.  So she didn’t want to hear, “I tell myself x,y,z,” she wanted to hear, “I’m too afraid to move forward on this because I don’t think I can.”  Her responses were totally unorthodox and not something I’ve experienced with a coach.  When she heard the perceived issue she would reply with, “Then you can’t do it.  You’re a loser who can’t do it.”  I bristled for the first 5 minutes of this thing because it sounded horrific and I knew that if I were paying for something like that I’d be pissed.  I think there were several people thinking along the same way because she wasn’t getting the questions as she wanted them, and she eventually clarified: “This is what you’re telling yourself.  I’m just mirroring what you say to yourself.”  And then the concept of the mirror shifted for me.

We can’t sit there telling ourselves that we can’t figure it out and expect the universe to deliver the answers wrapped in a neat little package for us.  Mind work is tough and requires focus and patience and clarity and dedication.  It means cutting out all of the extraneous junk and really getting down to the core of it and keeping disciplined enough to stay on track.  No one outside of ourselves is going to be able to tell us what to do and how to do it.  We have to decide what to do, we have to decide to change the stories, we have to decide we want to feel differently and actually do something about it.  If we tell ourselves we can’t do it, the universe is going to show us that we can’t do it in spite of what anyone else says—in fact it will probably put people who tell us we can’t do it in our paths.  We can’t rely on people to tell us what we should be doing if there is something that calls to us alone. We have to want it enough to actually follow through.  We have to want to redefine who we are and where we are going and then actually do it.  Even a pep talk from someone else won’t help because it is only fulfilling a temporary need.  We must be able to carry the torch ourselves and do what we need to do to change that story.  We have the answers, we just need to sit long enough to hear them and then be brave enough to follow through on them.        

We were at a birthday party for a friend and neighbor the other night and I had the opportunity to hang out in a way I haven’t before.  I tend to get really socially awkward and that makes me judge people because I feel like I’m being judged.  I put them on a pedestal and I realized that night that we are all just people.  It was a really nice reminder of confidence—something I always preach about but still severely lack myself.  I learned a lot about one of my neighbors, someone I’ve been next to for 3 years at this point and had never really hung out with on a personal level.  There is a common theme amongst my neighbors of a different kind of hardship than I have faced.  They’ve dealt with teen pregnancy, bad relationships, money struggles, all of it.  Some of it in the same vein as I’m dealing with it and some of it worse.  And the other common theme is that all of them are still here and they are doing REALLY well for themselves.  I have no shame in admitting they are doing far better than we are in a lot of regards.  But they say that we attract the energy we give off so if I am able to attract these people who have overcome and succeeded at a level I want to be at, then that means I am capable of the same thing as well. 

Now, during the course of this party, what I realized is that there is no longer room for this control freak, perfectionist streak that I’ve been battling for so long.  It’s time for it to be killed—not phased out, but absolutely destroyed.  It serves nothing for me or my dreams, for anyone around me, or for those I want to help in the future.  I realized that the same message I have professed for so long needs to be deeply indoctrinated in me and practiced: it isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being perfectly me.  That is where the confidence really comes in.  I stress over things falling apart because I’m so afraid I can’t rely on myself (or others) to put it back together.  I need to rely on myself and decide and commit and execute and follow through.  I need to give into joy and WHO I am.  Not recklessly, but completely.  It’s only in giving over ourselves, not to whims, but true calls of purpose that we develop confidence, security, and knowledge of who we are.  We can’t, I can’t be afraid of who I am.  My choices ARE my story (the same for anyone)—I don’t need to be the main character for everyone else.  I need to be the main character for me and I need to be consistently and completely me. 

We meet new people for a reason, we are called to do things for a reason, even if we don’t understand it initially.  Don’t be afraid to follow that if it is something that doesn’t go away.  Meet new people, do new things.  Unite with others instead of dividing over differences.  Learn.  Spend time with people.  In being inclusive of others, that fear of being excluded goes away. Stop distracting ourselves with all of the should, must, have, to-dos.  Pick a lane, have some fun, and do what is right for us.  It’s ok to have fun.  We need to have fun.  Stop putting so much pressure on things and just love life as it is, experience it as it is right now.  Complete, full acceptance.  Again, complete acceptance, but not reckless acceptance (we don’t need to keep those habits that hurt us or others) will keep us on the path meant for us and show us our strengths and remind us of what we are capable of.  We are all the bosses of our lives and the owners of our paths.  Don’t be afraid of it.  Enjoy it. The themes that return to our lives have lessons for us and they pop up when we least expect it.  Sometimes it’s a reading.  Sometimes it’s a kid’s birthday party.

Today I am grateful for turning the mirror to myself.  It has been a hellish week as far as my relationship goes and I literally couldn’t pin it down.  The fights and the responses felt entirely different than before, and I felt completely off center with what to do, waiting in this limbo for an answer.  And I felt something happen, a realization.  We all have a part to play.  A few years ago I wrote about my role in our problems with the understanding that I had a part in where we are at too.  I understood it but I don’t think I fully incorporated it.  I still acted from ego and defensively.  All this time I thought I was getting what I was owed, not realizing how much our behavior was pushing the other away.  I can’t say I was the start of it but the truth is even that doesn’t matter.  I drew a card the other day about the difficult relationships being a mirror for us to look at our own behavior.  I knew I wasn’t perfect but I guess I didn’t want to acknowledge how what I was doing impacted us—and may have had the greater impact in the long run.  All for the sake of attention, control, and a nasty defense mechanism, I completely ignored the actual work of self-improvement, constantly trying to be this or that or do this or that instead of just fucking being.  I am so sorry. 

Today I am grateful for second chances.  While I don’t know if those chances can apply to all of my relationships (and I hope they do), I know I at least have a second chance with myself.  My intention was never to blow up my life to learn these lessons and I am so fucking sorry for all the collateral damage my ego caused, the stress I put people under, the over-sensitivity.  But if I can start over now, I can at least be grateful for the fact that I can start over.  I never wanted to be a selfish asshole, I just wanted to protect myself.  I can stop trying and just be.  I’ve always known that life isn’t perfect, I’ve witnessed the imperfections of life since I was four.  My background, while it wasn’t unfortunate by any means, allowed for needing attention and searching for my place at a desperate level.  I carried that with me for so much longer than I should have and I rested in every hurt and injustice and slight and jab and I let it turn me into a monster.  I don’t want to be that, and the beauty of this, no matter how it turns out, is that it is a chance to try again.  I don’t get to decide how this looks now, but I know it’s a new start.  I am no victim, I was part of everything that happened.  Now I find the middle ground and start again.     

Today I am grateful for light.  No matter how things feel we always have the light.  For a while there I literally was angry at myself for ever having hope.  I see it was a drama and trauma pattern—it’s easy to be the victim if “everything” is always going wrong and if “nothing” ever turns out how it’s supposed to.  As if life is supposed to be any other way than what it is.  Feeling like everything I’ve gone for, everything I’ve tried to achieve has been a giant stop sign, and that I’ve been a fool to keep chasing the carrot on something that didn’t exist.  But even in that darkest place, I have to realize that there is still a spark.  It felt like it was gone, completely blocked out, but there is a bit of light left.  That tiniest bit of hope.  The difference is this time, instead of putting it under glass and hoping it ignites, I have to let it breathe and be open and hope that it bursts into life again. 

Today I am grateful for the memories.  Life throws us some curve balls and I spent a lot of time hating them.  Hating the fact that I couldn’t control what happened next, feeling like I got knocked in the head by the pitch more often than I hit it—and my hits didn’t go too far.  Taking away the drama of it and looking at the past objectively, that latter part is pretty accurate.  I got tired of trying in the big game because it was exhausting thinking I could compete, that I could get what I wanted, and never getting there.  I settled.  But in all this bullshit, somewhere between the history I created and the truth of it, I see that there were some beautiful moments.  Times that weren’t bullshit.  That there is something that may have been real, good, lovely.  We sat around the fire last night listening to our wedding songs (nostalgic and melodramatic in a way no one realized because they don’t know what’s happening in this house) and my heart immediately welled up thinking of my wedding.  The song we chose discussing the vulnerability of showing ourselves fully to each other and knowing we had each other’s back, that we loved all of who we were, that love was enough to show us to ourselves.  I don’t want to think that memory was bullshit.  I hope it meant the same to him.  But the truth is, even if he didn’t feel the same in that moment, I’m going to keep that one for myself.     

Today I am grateful for surrender.  This is one of the most terrifying places I’ve been in my life.  I find myself shaking every day, my heart pounding incessantly—no drama on this one, it’s real.  The entirety of my future is about to change and I know this is no longer something I can adjust the sails on to bring back to the course I know.  This is deeper waters than I’m used to.  I’m terrified as I said.  But the positive of this is, perhaps for the first time in over 20 years, this isn’t about me, and it’s demonstrating where I need to change.  The spots I’ve avoided in my life until now need to be addressed fully and head on.  Address the pain head on.  Because again, no drama, this one hurts deeper than I’ve ever experienced before.  It’s like trying to hold onto smoke—you can’t do it but you have to try because there is something there that needs to be contained.  All you can do is let it go otherwise you drive yourself absolutely insane.  Let the final grains fall through the hourglass and wait.  Let it go.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Prince Ea: A reminder of the tools of the devil.  The most powerful tool the devil has is self-doubt.  I wrote a piece on this years ago and I think it’s timely to discuss it again.  There is so much uncertainty in the world right now.  Given the current circumstances and how this society functions, we are led to believe that we are failing, that there isn’t enough, that somehow these imaginary games in these systems we created are what sustains us.  We separate further and further from what we need to thrive, convincing ourselves that what we do on a daily basis will somehow help us survive.  We think that survival is about protecting the ego and how well we do, often in things we don’t even care about.  We play this game forgetting it is indeed a game.  We created the rules, we bend the rules if we have enough money/power/clout in the situation.  But we never discuss how the majority are set up to not even be able to enter the game. 

Throughout the entirety of this world and this universe, we really can’t believe that there is any one right way to do something.  There are infinite possibilities because there are infinite existences out there.  But when we plant the seed of doubt, we never learn to trust our own instincts and we lose the connection with who we are, the very thing we needed so we could develop and sustain ourselves.  Doubt can be so powerful we won’t even plant the seed.  Or if we finally gain the courage to plant the seed, we stop tending it.  We don’t nurture it and then berate it if it doesn’t become what we thought it should be. Or we shrug it off as something inevitable, like we didn’t have the time to honor it and address the dreams.  Doubt is the easy ticket for the devil because he doesn’t have to do a damn thing.  We will talk ourselves out of taking action just because we are on a bit of shaky ground and haven’t developed the sea legs yet.

The only way to defeat this tool is to never pick it up.  Never allow ourselves to be tempted by it.  Never allow ourselves to believe it, and we do that by ignoring the shoulds and guilt and fear we are trained to believe is normal from the time we are kids.  It may feel uncomfortable following our own drum at times, but we are meant to do just that.  Doubt is used by people to make us feel like we don’t have the answers and that our time is better spent serving their purpose because they have the answers.  Don’t buy into it.  It can be scary to know that we will fail, sometimes often, and that it may be one of the only ways to succeed.  Success does not come without risk.  Success isn’t always clean.  Success isn’t always easy.  It’s simple and it will flow—but it still takes work and effort until we can get the machine flowing.  Don’t let self-doubt be one of the tools we use in the creation of that machine.  Don’t let it stop us.     

We are clearly on a theme this week and that is a strong reminder and encouragement to take responsibility for our reality.  Plan our lives and, more importantly, act on those plans.  Decide what to do and actually do it.  Learn from it and try again until we start seeing the results of what we want unfolding.  Make the choice to do what we want and follow through with it until we are so capable of following our instincts that we no longer seek outside validation or permission.  We simply know who we are and we embrace that and live according to our purpose.  While researching some business opportunities I came across a quote from Sam Rossi: “Everything happens because of us.  We have average experiences because we are average people.  Like a record player, we will never hear different music if we keep playing the same records.  The version we are being is a collection of the habitual things we say and do.  That’s why life feels the same every day.” 

I understood the laws of vibration and energy and frequency even if I wasn’t very careful or consistent with my own, but, if I’m honest, I never understood it in terms of that type of story.  Ironic considering I talk about the stories we tell ourselves all the time.  It’s funny how sometimes we need to hear things in just a slightly different way for it to click.  The universe can only respond to what we put out, whether vibrationally or with action—and it can only believe what we feel and what we act on.  There is no right or wrong when it comes to creating our reality—it merely needs to be authentic and aligned with who we are.  And in order for it to work, it also needs to be aligned with what we say we want.  I used the example before that if we want to go to Bali and buy a ticket to Florida, we aren’t going to get where we want to go.  We can want and feel something with all of our souls but until we follow through on it, we will be right where we are.  If we play the same song over and over again, just like if we tell ourselves the same story, we will only ever hear and do the same things.  The rut will become deep and grooved and harder to get out of.  That doesn’t mean we can’t do it, but the effort changes.

If something doesn’t feel right then we have to change it.  I spent last evening with some friends and neighbors and I learned something new specifically related to this concept of making decisions in our lives: we are who we are and we can have a lot more fun if we simply embrace and accept that.  We get a lot further by being aligned and taking actions on who we are than we do trying to be something else.  Perfection is irrelevant and boring.  It can look pretty, sure, but you spend more time trying to keep pretty whole rather than making it functional.  We don’t need to destroy the pretty thing—we need to destroy the box it comes in so it can do what it is meant to do.  Change the record.  Decide to take a new action.  Decide to feel another way.  Decide to honor who we are and what we love and be honest about it.  See what magic unfolds when we act on the plans we make rather than talking about it.  We are the only ones responsible for what happens in our lives so if we don’t like what is happening, ask what we are telling ourselves and what we are choosing to allow.  Then choose differently.

“The reality you experience depends on the decisions you’re making in every moment.  So to change your reality you need to get better at deciding and doing not planning and dreaming.  Stop waiting for life to happen to you.  You are an infinite creator.  There is nothing you need to seek nothing you need to wait for.  No one to anoint you with the power you think you need. You already have it.  You’re always creating your reality from the expansive now.  Stop seeking a future that will never come.  All that exists is this moment.  The choice is yours. What do you want to create?” Via Rea Earth.  This is an amazing follow up to our discussion on presence from Richard the other day—our lives are the culmination of our thoughts and actions based on the decisions we make.  No one’s reality is the same, not even those who are experiencing and present for the same thing.  How we feel about the circumstance determines how we react and often our bodies will make that decision for us. 

It has taken me a long time to understand the complexity in the simplicity of that statement and to understand how hard it really was for me—and why I hated it so much.  For something that in fact IS that simple, it is not easy.  The notion that we can control our thoughts was always an abstract idea for me.  My thoughts always felt beyond my control, like they just flowed in as they wanted to and I had no choice but to take the ride—often angry and emotional.  I never thought that a thought was something I could select.  The first notion of that concept (outside of controlling the mind in general) was from Liz Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love.  While frustrated that her thoughts are rampant during meditation, her friend tells her to choose her thoughts like she chooses her clothes—and it gave me a new question: Can we choose our thoughts like that?  It wasn’t a matter of telling myself this is what I had to do, it was a question of if it was even possible.  I hadn’t considered a thought could be a decision.

We spend a lot of our time accepting the idea that our reality needs to be based off of decisions we made when we were 18.  We also accept the idea that we are unable to change our reality without a lot of effort and struggle.  I still struggle with the idea that shifting everything can be as simple as shifting a choice.  The point we need to really focus on is the second and third lines of the quote: to change your reality you need to get better at deciding and doing not planning and dreaming—Stop waiting for life to happen to you.  The most insidious lie we are told is that we have limited options, rather that we all only have the same options when we all feel a different calling.  We are taught to ignore the very instincts that we are born with, insinuating we are wrong from the time we arrive here.  We are taught and groomed to think and behave a certain way and it can be hard to break free of that.

Hearing the clip from Rea Earth reminded me very clearly that we have a say in this existence, in fact, we are responsible for it.  Sometimes the world is simply waiting for us to decide and take actions in the direction of that decision.  It isn’t a matter of permission—it’s a matter of giving ourselves permission to receive.  And receive is a verb—I spoke about that while back.  It doesn’t mean having a package neatly delivered in our laps and then we keep it locked up.  No.  To Receive means to take that gift and apply all the magic we have to it, to use it, to develop it, to share it.  We can create an unbelievable reality with following that vision of the thing that calls to us.  We won’t find that following the same patter we were told to follow or even doing the same thing every day.  Sometimes we have to make a different choice and we open up the doors to a different possibility.