“I put the sword down and dive into the pain.  I may have paid full price for each mistake but I think I’ve finally learned.” Pink.  Humans don’t cope well with mistakes.  We like people to see us in control and like we know what we are doing at all times.  Admitting the wrong, the chaos, the fact that we are human and messed up hurts.  And this pain hurts more than anything I’ve experienced before.  I feel wrecked, raw, ripped open, caged.  The universe will give us signs and hints along the way and if we don’t learn the lesson then it will hit us with a 2×4.  It takes a long time to accept the lesson sometimes but it’s important that once we get it, we don’t repeat it. In order for me to learn this time I can’t avoid the hurt and I need to acknowledge every part of this, the hurt and I have to embrace what that means.  That I have work to do and I was not a victim in this process.  This was a result of my actions as well.

Acceptance and surrender are not giving up and I have to tell myself that so often it makes me sick.  Every ounce of me feels like fire and like there is always something to be done.  In this instance there is literally nothing I can do and when I have nothing to do I feel weak.  But given the circumstances, I’m seeing it like this: the only “doing” I can do is to decide.  Decide and act based on that decision, in alignment with that decision, and the rest gets done.  It can hurt when we accept pain because, for those of us who struggle to emotionally regulate/deal with control, it feels like we will drown in it and that we will be there forever.  In time we understand that isn’t true, but in that moment it feels like being pulled down to the depths.  We have to let go so we can get our bearings because the body will right itself.  We can tell the mind to get out of the way and we will find that direction.  We don’t have to keep diving down, we can come up for air.

So when we look at emotional regulation and feeling like we want to avoid the pain, I want to encourage remembering this about swords: yes they cut and maim, but they also sever and cut away. While we mourn the loss of the whole, it’s fair to consider if we lose it, was it ever necessary to begin with?  Or did it serve its purpose and its time to move on?  There is a difference between the cut to sever versus the puncture that won’t close.  The severing hurts at first but it heals.  And often we confuse the sever for the puncture.  At times it’s a risk because we don’t know if diving in means a slice or being impaled, but if we are to learn to cope, then we must dive in.  The pain is temporary.  Sometimes we have to look and see we are the ones holding the sword, either to hurt ourselves or to fend off imaginary foes who aren’t there.  The mind will tell us these things exist.  We can put it down and see we are creating that pain.     

How does someone who can’t let go exist with someone who can’t be held?  Or someone who is afraid of heights exist with someone who only knows how to fly?  Neither is wrong, nor is one better than the other, but there is an inherent danger in these opposites.  See while the fish may learn to breathe eventually, it runs the risk of dying and drying out first, just as the bird runs the risk of drowning if it stays too long.  Is there some sort of middle ground where these two can meet?  I haven’t found that place quite yet.  I like to think it exists, I always had hope it existed.  It still may, but I know my fears have pulled us under just as much as his independence has caused us to suffocate.  Neither one of us is at fault with that part—that is simply the nature of who we are respectively.  I’m seeing now that the very nature of who we are is capable of destruction and illusion if we aren’t very honest about who we are.  It happens without intending to hurt the other, but it happens nonetheless. 

Sitting in a Taco Bell, so reminiscent of what we did 20 years ago, he finds the words, “marry me” on a sauce packet just as he is trying to come to terms with ending this relationship.  Having admitted he was only with me out of guilt, I now must reconcile the fact that I need to return to the water and allow him to fly.  Now I feel the guilt of having forced him to walk for so long.  The only way to solve this is to let him go.  Completely.  Even a few short days ago I would have taken finding a packet like that as a sign, indicating that there was still hope—and now I’m not so sure in any of the signs I thought I’ve seen over the years.  Holding on to hope hasn’t gotten me very far.  It certainly hasn’t gotten me to the goal.  I’ve pissed off a hell of a lot of people in my day by sticking rigidly to some idea of how things should be—always trying to force people to swim my way, thinking I was following the right path.  It doesn’t work. 

I have to settle into a reality where fish are fish and birds are birds.  Every now and then they can meet but they can’t live where the other does.  I can’t hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be held.  He’s not mine to hold, he’s his own person and, even knowing that logically, the feeling of letting go breaks my heart and makes my stomach drop.  I know this will never be the same, and I can tell myself all day that it’s for the best, that it makes sense.  I can ask myself why I really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.  I can ask if I know who I am well enough to say that this is the version of me that I will always be and there is some chance he will change his mind.  The reality to THAT story is he has so many more opportunities than I do and he will be just fine wherever he goes.  I squandered mine for him (my choice) and it just didn’t work out.  I tried so hard for so long to fly and forgot how to swim.  And I’m scared and I’m sad—I’m sad for what was, the very real things that happened when we started this journey, sad for what happened along the way, sad for what could have been, sad for what will never be.  And all I can do is let go, and dive. 

Today I am grateful for options.  Right now the options in front of me aren’t the greatest, but I have them, and that is a privilege I don’t take for granted.  Sometimes we don’t realize that just having the opportunity to decide is a gift some aren’t afforded.  That is never lost on me.  I felt a lot of anger over the last several months as I felt opportunities closing off and those windows dwindling down, feeling like time was slipping away.  And the thing is time does slip away, it moves no matter what we do.  No matter how many nails we put through that slime it will not stay pinned to the wall.  So this is a lesson in presence.  The only way to figure out what to do next is to stop all the bullshit, stop projecting, stop ruminating, stop trying to remember and simply try to feel.  We discount our feelings too often and I know I’ve been guilty of letting my feelings run the show—there was no in between.  How can we trust ourselves if we don’t even trust what our bodies are telling us?  I no longer want to ignore what my body says.  And I’m in the thick of it, but I’m not dead so the best option is to keep going.    

Today I am grateful for miracles.  This past week I’ve been dealing with two different medical scenarios in those whom I love more than anything.  The prospect of loss has hung thick in the air, and while I have a particular aversion to loss because of childhood trauma, I have NOT handled this well at all.  Full transparency I am almost embarrassed to share how emotionally wrecked and unstable I allowed myself to be.  It made me realize my level of codependence on people for strength.  But I’ve seen things happen this week that remind me that sometimes when we least expect it things come through just as easily as they fall apart.  Within a period of 24 hours my heart soared and dropped and then became angry and confused.  And all of it is futile, nothing changed the fact that something needed to be addressed, but I witnessed humans at their worst and at their greatest.  It showed me that there are some people willing to do what it takes while others simply aren’t and who we choose to listen to makes all the difference.   

Today I am grateful for following my gut.  With one of the scenarios I’m talking about above, I received particularly confusing information.  Quite literally opposite information from the same practice.  It broke my heart to hear how one person would handle it versus another and in that moment I forgot what options I may have had.  I forgot that I had a voice and the ability to question it.  As I sat in the pain of what I had been told I started to get angry and I started to really question what I had just been told.  What evidence did this doctor have of this particular illness if there was nothing indicated in the bloodwork or cytology?  I started calling around and I found another option.  The entire situation isn’t ideal, but remembering what the fuck I know and going with that proved to open a different door.  It’s a Hail Mary but it’s there.  Sometimes it just takes a reminder to flip the switch of who we are.    

Today I am grateful for love no matter what it feels like.  I know they say love isn’t supposed to hurt but I know that isn’t always true.  When dealing with the thought of someone we love leaving us, especially as they transition to whatever comes next, there is no doubt pain.  Witnessing the loss of those we love causes pain.  And we wouldn’t feel that if we didn’t truly care.  So when dealing with this type of inevitability, especially in those closest to us, it can hurt.  We are blessed with the ability to connect with others and there are things that come with that.  I would rather feel that connection and that care than feel nothing.  I want to be clear I would never seek out that type of pain, no one would, but if that pain is what comes occasionally after years of memories and love, then I will take that any day. 

Today I am grateful for further perspective.  The mind is amazing at how it processes this world—it will convince us of nearly anything.  People can be present for the exact same event and walk away with different experiences.  We remember different things and we feel different things, triggered by our unique histories and patterns.  I always thought this life was simple and straightforward and pretty clear cut—the facts are facts and what happened is what happened.  So I thought my mind had some kind of destination on it, like there was no way I could be as layered and complex because I could compartmentalize what happened.  It took me years, DECADES, to realize the depth of the crap that impacted me and exactly HOW it impacted me.  It hit me that I am a 40 year old woman still asking for permission and treating rank/title as sovereign.  Here I thought I finally had control over my life and at least a good hold on emotional management and then I had to look at my habits and those habits indicated that I was still hiding some things, still behaving in ways that I would have over 20 years ago.  And the thing is I have absolutely dug into the depths and come up with entirely new perspectives, but here I am at this last crest, and I can’t get over it because of this last leap.  The leap of letting go of other people’s judgments and opinion and wanting to be liked rather than fully expressing myself.  To let go of that need for praise and accolades rather than tackle the task itself, thinking I had exhausted my energy.  The truth is it was exhausting because that was all a show.  Wearing that mask every day, doing work that didn’t speak to my heart, fearing I wouldn’t get what I really wanted so, in many ways, manipulating others around me to allow me to do what I wanted to do rather than just taking accountability and planning for it.  I completely appreciate that this comes across as a poor-me scenario, but it isn’t that.  I also appreciate that people may think how many breakthroughs can one person have?  But that is me tailoring my words to make other people happy.  This is MY truth and I’ve learned that we can have as many breakdowns to breakthroughs as we need until we understand the lesson.  I’ve taken this leap before and I’ve walked away with some deep scars, and I’ve fallen pretty far down this mountain.  So as I near the top again, and know that I have to let go, I feel the fear and the old patterns sneak in before I can stop them.  I feel like a child because of how people treat me and it’s because I allow that.  If I want to be a force, I need to be a force, and that isn’t about control-it’s about controlling my own life, my own decisions, and literally not giving a fuck what others say.  It’s that final transition from old habits carried from childhood into accepting adulthood.  No more acting, no more planning how people will receive me—just being me.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“I know,” he said.  “I did it so I wouldn’t have to hear your bitching,” he said.  “I’ve gotten better about driving the boat over the water like that, the fiberglass can’t handle it,” he said.  “Maybe I do better around people at keeping the mask on, pretending that everything is ok.  I’m still miserable,” he said.  “I’m done.  With all of it.  With this house.  With you. With [our son],” he said.  “I can’t be the partner you need me to be,” he said.  “I’m not sure I’m in love with you anymore,” he said.  The drinking every night.  The gaming all the time.  The lack of interest in anything we do as a family.  The anger at having to contribute financially.  The ignoring every milestone with our son.  The cheating.  The lying.  The inability to work with me.  The blowing up at our son for absolutely nothing and screaming at him for nothing.  The saying that he will help out when he can instead of prioritizing the family. The spending on himself no matter what situation we were in, us always coming last. Always wanting to be alone, always finding a way to be without us whether it was smoking a cigarette, leaving our son in the house alone, walking past us.  Then no longer kissing me good bye in the morning or answering a simple question.  And when I tell him I love him, in spite of all of that shit, “I know,” he says. 

I can admit that I made a lot of mistakes.  There were things I gave up because I thought I had to live my life a certain way.  I thought I wanted certain things.  I wanted to make people proud and feel certain ways about me.  I wanted to prove myself.  I probably forced more than I should have.  I had expectations.  But in all of that, I loved.  I always asked for input and feedback and perspective and feeling and opinion and I got nothing.  He didn’t even know himself and I forced my ideas and because he went with it, I believed that he wanted the same things as well.  Until the anger started coming.  He would tell me he wanted something and would agree to it and then do the total opposite.  People will always show you who they are and what they really believe.  When they show you, believe them. 

I didn’t believe him, I had hope.  I misread all the signs.  I took too much too personally thinking it was about my ego and I bitched incessantly when things weren’t going my way—mainly because I was working from what I had known and practiced my whole life, partly because I didn’t have any other feedback to go on.  I also saw the potential of who he could be and I saw how good he was with every other person but me.  Always the first to help out.  I should have believed him when he cheated.  I should have believed him when he kept talking to all of his exes behind my back.  I should have believed him when he slept for the first abortion.  I should have believed him when he never picked up the extra slack.  I should have believed him when he didn’t give a shit about our son’s first steps.  I should have believed him when he threw a hissy fit in Hawaii because he couldn’t get weed.  I should have believed him when he spent 10k behind my back.  I should have believed him when he didn’t pay the association or the cable or the electric.  I can admit that because of all the shit he put me through, I acted like I was owed a lot—because I took him back after cheating, because I took him on huge vacations, because I paid for the majority of everything always, because I took care of him period, I felt like he should want to give and do these things to show gratitude and make me happy.  I was wrong for that. 

But there was always something else underlying that I couldn’t accept and didn’t want to believe and I should have understood when we repeated this pattern.  I never wanted to believe he simply didn’t LIKE me.  That he never cared about me.  I had the fear in the back of my mind that he stayed with me because he felt guilty.  It was guilt, never love, that kept him around. He felt he had to do what I said because of all that shit and is now suffering because he doesn’t know who he is.  And I don’t know who I am.  I fixated on controlling him, on shaping him into who he could be because I didn’t want to get hurt and I felt I knew better.  He feels completely out of control in his life.  He’s an addict—to spending, to drinking, to smoking, to gaming, to everything he starts, he latches on to it.  And he is constantly leaving me in the dust.  So I searched for him and I clung to him thinking I was keeping myself safe. Giving him lavish things so he would see I was worth it.  And he looked 100% miserable the entire fucking time, the evidence of it right in the pictures I took at the time. I never took the time to honor my own dreams because I was afraid of losing him, afraid that he would hurt me.  I just never anticipated the hurt would come from the admission that he doesn’t even love me.             

For the lack of sanity, support, and faith, I sacrificed the very things I wanted on an altar of fear and shame, begging for approval and permission.  I said the same things, repeated the same fear and insecurity from my mom.  The same self-righteous anger and pretention from my dad.  Showed my love through what I could buy and then got resentful for being used and controlling because I was furious about being left behind.  Always hurt, always angry.  It was a perfect storm.  A guy never loved a girl, the girl was entirely mad for the guy, he hurt her and felt bad, she demanded love in return, he put up with it as long as he could, he was cracked the entire time with little bits of the truth always showing, she was broken entirely, he agreed to bits and pieces along the way to try and make up for it.  Then he shattered what was left. 

At 40 years old, I feel like I’m waking up and realizing that all of this was a complete lie.  That the last 23 years were nothing but acting.  I’m waking up empty.  Scared. Cold. Alone.  I feel exactly the same as I did when I was 20.  I wish he had never told me he loved me.  I wish I didn’t love him.  I wish I didn’t love the idea of him.  I wish I didn’t still have some hope that he will change his mind and we can create a new foundation.  Because I have no idea what I’m going to do next.  To be fair I’ve been in this relationship feeling alone anyway.  But the reality of being alone is entirely different.  I’m confused and jilted because he didn’t even know what he wanted so I want to know if it was so bad the whole time why did he keep agreeing to it?  Was it all guilt?  I feel I’m being punished for filling in the blanks.  Again, I know I went too far with the controlling, but I didn’t know what else to do.

So 23 years after I declared 8 words to him, 16 years after we said 2 words to each other in front of family, I’m afraid this is all ending with two very different words, “I know.”  I am absolutely helpless at this stage to force anything.  I don’t think I can force anything ever again.  I certainly can’t make someone love me.  I can’t make him feel anything.  I can’t make him be what I see in him.  I can’t make him hope for what I thought he wanted.  I can’t give him the answers I’m sure he is genuinely looking for.  I can’t read his mind.  I can’t fix this.  I can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed.  Truly I feel guilt and shame in this moment because I can see the massive amount of ego I brought to this relationship and how that ruined this whole thing.  How it has quite possibly ruined many relationships.  I hated people for torturing me so much that I built up this fucked up wall of incredible bravado and worth but it was all built on sand.  He had to dance around my mood swings just as much as I felt them, and it was exhausting.  To be fair, that was exhausting for both of us.   It was a fucked up cycle of him trying to avoid upsetting me and me feeling like he lied or hurt me and then spiraling out.  We never communicated honestly.  Either that or he really didn’t want to.

It hurts because I know I am responsible for this too.  And he doesn’t want to hear any of that.  This is something that can be healed with genuine honesty and open communication.  And he isn’t capable of that.  He can’t even do that for himself.  He needs to know who he is and no one can tell him that.  I need to know who I am and no one can tell me that.  I don’t want to be this version of me.  I don’t want to be this version that gets so wrapped up and ego driven that she is owed everything and pushes people away, that she pushes people into this cycle of only being with her because they feel guilty, the person who buys people.  I don’t want people to have to sing my praises to be in my presence.  All I ever really wanted was respect and when I couldn’t get that I should have been better about boundaries.  I wanted acknowledgement of who I am, that I had significance, not worship.  I wanted to share who I was without being taken advantage of.  And I manipulated this entire thing into a disgusting, murky, mess.  Instead of trying to band-aid and patch this, I should have just stopped trying to be anything and figured out who I am.

So now I have no clue where I go from here.  Except to start over.  I can’t go back.  But I can start again.  Completely let the past lie where it is, let it all settle, let the muck slough off.  And maybe after all that things will be clear.  I’ve been like this longer than I realized—scared, alone, egotistical, closed off, controlling.  All if it was defense mechanisms and those shields have been up for ages.  But if I let my true heart come out again and practice a little more patience and caution, maybe there will be something else there.  Release the entitlement and the demanding and just cooperate, trusting that all is playing out how it should.  Heal the hurt from all those years ago and remember who I am, not based on any opinion, but on what I feel.  Right now I feel…so much.  I know I just want him to be happy.  And I want the same for myself and my son.  That means accepting whatever happens next, no matter what it is.  It means saying I love myself and being able to say, “I know” to that version of me.                                     

We can’t keep the mask on or the shield up or the pretense longer than we are able to carry it.  Regardless of how long that is, the shield will always eventually drop.  The body knows, it feels the vibration regardless of what is portrayed on the outside.  The body, the mind, the heart, the soul, the entire universe knows what sound is emanating from the heart.  So perhaps it isn’t the fact that we can’t carry the shield any longer, it’s more that we can’t contain the rhythm of our own heart—a sound and a vibration that was never meant to be contained anyway.  The vibration and feeling can change, but it can only hide the truth for so long and when it shows itself, no matter how hard we try to go back, we are never able to put it back.  The real feelings always show through.

We had a family day planned and it was a gorgeous day.  Granted it was hot for what we wanted to do, it was still beautiful.  We tried to fit it all in and sometimes when you try to fit in those last little things on the cracked foundation, it finally gives.  We went out with friends and I could see through the fraying weight of trying to be content where we were at, trying to have fun, trying to pretend he was enjoying himself.  We didn’t have to go, I offered several outs and it was still decided to go.  So when things started to go downhill (as is partially natural with young kids in hot weather), I saw the edges of truth peeking through.  I read through the frustration and understood this was not what he wanted to be doing.   Perhaps we were not the people he wanted to be with. 

While I struggle to not take it personally, I know there is something deeper going on.  There is a longing for truth in himself and it’s hard to decide what that is when you’ve been one way for so long.  But I know the feeling of holding in the truth of how we feel for the sake of those around us and the complete frustration at feeling bottled, caged with how we really feel, and when we reach that point where the mask is no longer working and the real feelings are oozing out of the edges, it’s time to stop.  It’s time to put down the mask and get honest.  When we get to that point we can’t go on.  It’s time to let it go and put down what no longer serves.  It’s painful, but it’s necessary.  And the truth is it feels all the better when we finally put down the shieled and release what we were holding inside.  They say the truth shall set you free and that had nothing to do with jailed persons confessing—it has to do with confessing the truth of the heart and living to the fullest, most authentic version of ourselves.  It’s only then when life begins.  It may take three, four, five, six times before we get it, but when we let it out, there is no greater feeling than letting those wings spread and taking flight.

“This journey has always been about reaching your own other shore no matter what it is,” Diana Nyad.  I think we get caught up in the story we tell ourselves about what we are supposed to be and how things are supposed to look.  Moreso the latter if I’m honest.  We want to come across that all of our decisions are flawless and that we always did the right thing when the reality is that our life is filled with these moments of ebb and flow and not everything is beautiful.  We empty to become full again, we fail so we can improve, we dream so we can build.  That dream doesn’t need to be anything in particular—it needs to be what works for us.  It needs to be the reflection and the representation of who we are, because as I said yesterday, it is in being who we are that we can do the most good.

There is only one end point in this dream with all of us and that is death—so the path we take during life really is irrelevant.  As long as we fulfill our purpose with resolve and dedication and we are open to learning along the way, I think it’s a very real possibility that we will always get where we are meant to be.  Most of the time it isn’t about what we want, it’s about what we do.  The destination isn’t really the point because no matter what we do in this time on earth we can’t take it with us, the experiences, the memories etc.  But we can leave those around us with memories and lessons on what to do differently—we leave a legacy.  So when we embark toward a particular goal, remember that the ups and downs, the twists and turns are all for a reason.  They all mean something.  IT doesn’t matter what it looks like—as long as we find what is ours.

“The greater good is rarely outweighed by one’s self interest,” Howard Stark, Endgame.  There are so many gems in this movie and I wrote about one years ago spoken from Freya regarding failing at who we are “supposed” to be—that one always hits me no matter how many times I hear it because the simple truth is no one in this world is supposed to be anything other than who they are no matter what people pressure them into feeling.  When we review this quote from the Stark character, I consider the entire character arc of Tony Stark, going from complete narcissist to somewhere in between, knowing he needs to use his gifts for good.  Understanding how the world works and using it for personal gain and then turning that power into something that can help the world.  And here we have a line from his father talking about the lessening of the self to help the greater good—both wanted to help, each did it in their own way.  The ironic part of it, and something that I credit the Tony Stack character for is understanding that if we don’t know who we are and honor ourselves then we aren’t able to do the world a damn bit of good.  While our own interest can be detrimental to the world, sacrificing who we are is just as detrimental.  The latter is demonstrated by the Howard Stark character lost time with his family for helping others while Tony finds himself with his family—the last place he thought he would.

So how do we understand the greater good in this context?  We need to understand that while our personal interests can hurt the world if we don’t balance it with using those gifts, we need to know ourselves well enough to develop who we are so we can be of service.  This is essentially what I was writing about the other day when I spoke of God’s purpose for us. Our purpose was never meant for personal gain in spite of being OUR purpose.  That gift is meant to benefit as many people as possible—and that is true for all of us as we all have a gift that we need to develop and learn about and turn into something we can share with the world.  That isn’t to say that all of our gifts will have that kind of reach.  We need to remember the butterfly effect and the ripple effect and understand that, while some of our actions can seem small, those actions may impact someone else’s life to the point where they make the change the world is looking for.  We are all a web. 

So with that in mind, what would we do differently? What can we change moving forward? Would we go back if we could?  Live those moments differently?  Or do we learn to make peace with it and simply move forward as we are?  Stop pretending to be someone else, lost in a memory or regret.  Just be.  I find that as much as I wish to change what happened and make it what my version of right is, that we can’t do that.  So the desire to change what was becomes the catalyst and the opportunity to do something different and still effect change even if it wasn’t how we thought originally.  I don’t know all the answers, none of us do.  But I do know that there is some reason for everything and that we will find it eventually.  And even if we don’t (which I’m not saying will happen) I will take some solace in the fact that I can and did do the best I could while I am/was here.  That’s all I have control over—my actions and decisions here and now.  I will use that knowledge to make the best choices based on who I am and how I can do the most good.  That’s all we can do.

I want to continue briefly on yesterday’s discussion on our purpose.  Driving home from the Ren Faire today I had a weird feeling about how weird this world is in general.  How little point there is to any of it.  We were with this massive group of people all walking around this fake town from another time, some dressed up to the nth degree in high heat.  Why do we do this?  And that made me question why we do anything we do. Why do we work like we do?  Why do we choose the work we do?  Why do we modify our behavior around other people?  Why do we form the relationships we do?  Why do we believe we need to have our lives a certain way?  Why do we think we need to have achieved certain things by a certain time?  It’s so arbitrary, we can do anything, yet we choose to repeat patterns of those before us and what we have learned ourselves.  Perhaps it’s a safety thing because it always feels best to repeat what we know…But we have to start questioning what we are doing, how we feel about it, what the point is.  I feel that is a natural part of our existence here.

We start to evaluate what gives us love, peace, hope, drive…all of the things that seem to excite us.  We search for what makes us happy and seek to unite and alchemize all of our intricacies into one loving vibration.  We use our wisdom and make the transition to move all those parts into one so we become the master of something unique in our lives.  I’m not saying this to be morbid, but the truth is we are all going to die and we are all on this weird ride together, choosing to spend our energy in a certain way—when the truth is we can spend that energy any way we want.  Perhaps the existential moment I was having is more this: we don’t have to do anything that we are told to do, we don’t have to do anything the same way as anyone else.  It’s a risk, but in the end, it literally doesn’t matter.  We choose how we spend our time and energy.  We can choose again.  If there is no point and we all end up the same way, why waste any time stressing over what we do now.  I never spent enough time finding what made me truly happy—and that is the key to finding our way in this world.  Follow the desires, what feels good, and work on making it our own.  That’s where we find the answers we need. We don’t need the why-we need the resonance of what feels right.  That is our purpose.

We are God’s handiwork, created…to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do.  Ephesians 2:10. Even using this verse, I want to be clear that I am not a religious person, although I am spiritual and I do study different religions to better understand different points of view.  This verse struck me because I had been wrestling with the idea that I’m wasting time trying to be something I’m not but I’m scared to spend the time discovering who that is and what my purpose is.  We all have a gift and we are meant to share it—that is our purpose on this Earth.  Don’t judge outward appearances, because no matter what people look like, we all have a purpose–just do the work we are meant to do.  I had written some goals earlier in the day and when I went to write about them and to start my study, the universe solidified and confirmed my message by sharing those verses with me.  We are here to share our light, to share our talent and gifts.  Sometimes we have to slow down to recognize what we really want to do and believe that our wants often align with our purpose—we need to follow them.

There are times we all question the validity of it all, the point of it all.  Certain things don’t make sense, we are power hungry and we use our power for personal gain rather than shifting the world so all can benefit.  There are times when our greatest effort yields nothing and we question what we are even doing here.  We can spend years repeating patterns and find ourselves on the precipice of giving up when we have that one moment of clarity.  And there are times we repeat the pattern.  But if we are attuned enough to what we feel then we can learn to turn toward what we really feel inside, and we can remember that we do have a purpose.  Not every day is going to feel good—it isn’t meant to.  Some days we need the lessons.  Some days we need encouragement and others we need to be the cheerleader.  Some days we need to lead and other days we need to retreat.  But each day, each person, each moment has a purpose.  So if we ever struggle to remember what that is for us, then we need to breathe and find a way to reconnect with who we are—because that shows us all we need to know.  We just need to trust it and remember we are here for a reason.

Today I am grateful for not being grateful.  This is not my usual path, and truthfully not something I am going to continue to explore but I know what I am feeling in this moment and it’s something that needs to be shared.  The last 6 weeks, without question, have been some of the most difficult of my life.  On the outside, anyone could easily say that it isn’t that bad, that it’s all ok, that we all go through things like this.  Perhaps I really am emotionally weak and my threshold for pain/sadness is lower than others.  Regardless, I know the weight I’ve been carrying has simply been too much.  Normally I choose to be grateful no matter what—even if it takes me a minute I find my way back to being grateful.  But I’ve had moments over the last few weeks where I’m looking at the patterns in my life, the things I attract, the doors that have been closed, and I am overwhelmed.  The universe tests us by doing nothing at all or having it all happen at once—and right now it is all happening at once.  Dealing with relationship, financial, career, family, health, future planning, life in general.  While I am not unique in dealing with any of this, I have to admit that there are some things we can’t simply push through and pretend are ok.  Sometimes they truly just aren’t ok—and we don’t need to be grateful for that.  We need to understand it and in this moment I understand that there are things I need to do for myself and that we have different decisions to make to move forward.  For that I am grateful.  But I know many of the plates are about to fall down and there isn’t a thing I can do to stop it.  Sometimes, regardless of how we feel or what makes sense, or how hard we try, things simply need to fall.

Today I am grateful for clarity.  I need to work on boundaries and I’ve been scared to do that because I didn’t want to end up alone.  I wanted people to like me so it was easier to shove down what I wanted and my real thoughts than it was to express myself.  I’m grateful for the clarity that there were additional ways I was people pleasing and it’s time to stop it. When we spend our time pleasing others to our own neglect, we end up hurting ourselves and others.  We hurt ourselves because we aren’t expressing our truth and we hurt others because we aren’t able to show up for them fully.  When we are with people and feel that something isn’t right, then we need to acknowledge that rather than try to make ourselves fit the mold.  As I said above, sometimes there are things that simply need to break and no matter how careful we are with them, they will break.  So the clarity I am grateful for isn’t just about the boundaries, it’s about being ok with who we are and showing up as we are.  It’s ok to let those who only want us around because we say yes go.  It’s ok to be the one who walks away.  It’s ok to be clear on our worth and allow the things that need to break away to be mourned, but appreciated for revealing the truth of what’s underneath.

Today I am grateful for the bumps.  Given the course of the last few weeks, and the fact that I’ve learned to be ok with not being grateful for everything, I find myself surprised to say this.  I mentioned the other day that life feels like a cheese grater right now.  Things that are meant to happen flow, things that are meant to come into our lives enter with ease.  And these last few weeks have been a test of resolve in a way that I’ve never experienced.  But I’m grateful for some of these bumps because it’s helping me see what I don’t want.  It’s helping me be ok with shedding and allowing what I don’t need to fall away.  It’s helping me see what I need in my life, and while that isn’t the same as clarity on what I DO want and bringing it in, it’s at least a step toward defining that vision.  It’s helping me be comfortable with allowing things I held onto so tight before, the things I thought I couldn’t live without, go.  It’s terrifying letting go of what used to define us.  At least it is for me.  But I know with 100% certainty that I am not able to control the outcome of these things, and doing so is like trying to hold onto smoke.  Some things we just have to let go because it hurts more to try and keep it than it does to release. 

Today I am grateful for the push.  So the issues I’m facing are no closer to being resolved and on some level I am ok with that.  This isn’t a pity party, this isn’t me crying “Woe is me,”.  Again, I am very well aware that what’s happening is well within the scope of human experience and I am not the first, nor will I be the last to feel this way.  But I do see that this is giving me a push.  As unclear as the direction is, the idea that I am no table to stay where I’m it is 100% clear.  I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that this is pushing toward something else.  I have to trust it as much as I DON’T trust it.  So, I talk a lot about this leap and that isn’t the issue.  The issue is letting go of what I know in favor of the void.  It’s not like, “Oh, I’m jumping in and going to take my chance,” it’s, “I can’t even see the pool and I have no clue if there’s even water down there.”  But we have no choice but to leap or stay.  It’s a choice we make.

Today I am grateful for the pause.  I understand with the utmost clarity that I have been pushing too hard in nearly every aspect of my life.  I’ve always been afraid that if I don’t push then nothing will happen.  If I don’t work incessantly that I won’t get what I want.  It’s always been a game of proving, something deeply rooted in me since I was a child.  There was no such thing as inherent worth—and while it wasn’t so cutting as to SAY you weren’t worthy, it was always pointed out that someone was doing it better.  There was always the question of, “You think you can do that?  I could never do that,” or even the outright, “You think you’re enough for him?”.  All of those questions, fears I already wrestled with myself, were the realization of those things I already felt inside.  So I picked up and did all I could, did it for people, did it better than most, hid the praise, felt shame over what I accomplished, and proceeded to do more and more so I would be justified in what I got.  But the message the universe received was that I wasn’t good enough and I would always have to work harder than anyone, that I needed more approval from everyone in order to be worthy.  And it drowned me.  The problem with doing more is that there is always more to do.  So now I pause, and I practice allowing the thoughts to come to me so I can recognize what is for me.

Today I am grateful for the rain.  It’s pouring as I type this, and as I think about the pause, I realize that the weather is indicative of what I’m feeling.  Right now it’s a time for nourishing and growth, to sit inside and heal, to cleanse, to release.  I have choices to make, and I am blessed to have the ability to make those choices, to have the options I do.  It’s time to stop choosing them all, and rest assured that I don’t have to do it all to be worthy of what I want.  I can recharge, and restore, and enjoy more. I can have fun.  So I am grateful for this little reminder to find peace inside, and it’s ok to retreat for the moment.  But tomorrow we stand and face the sun again—and if it’s still dark, we create our own light.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.