Today I am grateful for rest.  For the second time in five weeks I’ve been ill, this time to the point where I couldn’t get off the couch.  I’m enraged that this happened around the holidays (both Thanksgiving and Christmas) because I’ve tried my best to make this such a special time of year for everyone and it has completely fallen flat, especially for me.  But the point was received that I needed the rest.  The body and mind can’t exist in a perpetual state of “on” and sometimes it just smacks us upside the head.  Believe me, this was not without huge existential crisis over the last few weeks and bemoaning “why” this was happening now, but I understand that for whatever reason, I was not meant to participate in this round.  This entire year has felt like being behind the 8 ball, reacting to the crappy shots I’ve been set up for and wondering how the hell we got here.  Truth be told I’m ready to be on the other side of this and make moves forward.  As exhausting as 2024 was, 2025 came in and said, “Hold my beer, you haven’t seen left field yet.”  And it showed.  I could NOT keep up with anything and I tried.  So right now, whatever is happening, it’s definitely telling me that this is not my time to do anything.  So I will sit here for a while longer and be ready to move when it’s time.  That’s all I can do.

Today I am grateful for anger.  Ok, I hate anger.  I hate this feeling of being angry.  I hate the feeling of being caged, like no matter what I do, I can’t get out of this.  I hate not understanding how I’ve gotten here.  I hate feeling like I’ve done all I could, that I’ve done exactly as I was supposed to and somehow still ended up buried.  I hate feeling sorry for myself—and I will admit that I DO feel sorry for myself because I see where all my energy and effort goes and how often it isn’t received/returned/falls flat.  That may be incredibly selfish, and I can admit that too, because it comes across as demanding what I feel I’m owed.  But the truth is I AM angry and if I keep denying it, I will continue missing the point.  The point is multi-faceted and I understand that I can’t have expectations of what I’m supposed to get or what I’m owed.  I can’t have expectations of anything.  The anger exists because I’m expending energy thinking a certain thing will happen and it isn’t happening.  It exists because those results aren’t happening, but also because it is a lot of passionate energy directed toward a goal that just never seems to come true, that never seems to be enough energy to “make” it happen.  But lately I’m seeing that with all of this misspent energy, perhaps the point is I need a much deeper dive into what I really want to do and where I really want to spend my energy.  A real look at the motivation behind my actions.  My home environment was in shambles this year in an attempt to put things back together and it still doesn’t feel quite right.  So I know that I need to redirect my energy—because if I’m spending my energy where it feels right, this anger won’t exist.  So I am grateful for the reminder to redirect toward what is really me, because this anger is NOT who I am and I no longer need to carry it.   

Today I am grateful for new perspective on people’s behavior.  I see a lot of guilt in those around me.  People who suddenly act the hero (or who suddenly want to act the hero) because they aren’t in a position to help regularly suddenly feel the need to step forward and behave as if they have the right to make decisions as if they’ve been doing the work all along.  This has been a recurring theme for me.  I’ve done the work for years only for someone else to come along and take all the credit.  It sounds so egotistical, I know that, but this is another moment of needing to be honest.  Spending years building things whether it was an entire department for an organization, running a project single handedly, executing something flawlessly, fixing a project, helping people finish their work, taking care of those around me, I was the stepping stone for so many and I was left in the dust and treated as if I did nothing.  I was treated as if needed to be told what needed to be done, as if I needed to be told what HAD been done all this time—like I didn’t know the work that had already been put in.  I can’t tell if it’s ego in the sense of needing the credit or if it’s ego in the sense of I’m tired of my effort and work being dismissed or outright ignored.  Perhaps it’s both.  But I see the motivation for others to swoop in is also ego—they need to make themselves feel better for not putting in that effort for all that time.  There will come a time when the truth can’t be ignored.  The work we do, the work that really means something can’t be for attention.  So I will continue to do the work that feels right and that’s all I can do.  No matter what others do, I can only do what I’m meant to do and it isn’t for points. 

Today I am grateful for motivation.  I can’t reiterate strongly enough how challenging these last few months have been.  I’ve felt like I’ve been on my own, shooting in the dark, stumbling over everything.  I have hated feeling so inept and unkempt and afraid and confused and angry and I’ve realized none of that anger or confusion has helped me in any way.  It’s been additional wasted energy.    So I’m grateful that, at the very least, all that crappy energy has motivated me to step up in new ways and propel myself forward toward something new.  Truth be told it’s nothing like what I’ve been working toward before-this is really something else.  I feel parts of me falling away and I feel myself wanting to take action in new ways as well.  It’s been painful but exciting in some ways.  So at the very least, the silver lining in all this crap is that I am genuinely ready to move forward and humble myself where I need to and to advocate for myself where I need to.  I thought I’d done that before, but I’ve learned the difference now—the difference between real motivation and calling over want and demand in the moment.  Focus.  Drive. 

Today I am grateful for release.  I’ve struggled to let go my entire life.  I’m not ashamed of some of it because I’m a record keeper and I was able to keep a fairly objective stance on things that happened for a long time.  I preserved the memories and feelings of so many people for so long and I know that brought a lot of happiness to many of them.  It brought me happiness too.  A sense of safety.  But in the lessons I’ve received regarding behavior, motivation, anger, rest, and misspent energy, I see that I can’t been the carrier/source of all these emotions for everyone.  I can’t retain that type of baggage.  I can’t be all things to all people.  No one can do that.  These next few days, the last days of 2025 are for wrapping up, tying up loose ends, and letting go of the rest.  I no longer want to carry that type of burden or distraction.  It’s time to let go, it’s time to lean into what is, to offer acceptance for myself and others and believe what’s in front of me.  To let go of the crap and realize that the memory is what it is for people, they all see it how they want to, it isn’t my job to make anyone see things a certain way.  It’s my job to fulfill my role, my purpose.  What people do with that is their problem.  It’s time to welcome the new.   

Wising everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“Let me tell you something: a lot of people are not mad that you changed, they are uncomfortable that you didn’t stay where they could recognize you.  When you start growing, when you start healing, when you stop tolerating the same nonsense that you’ve been tolerating forever, they’re going to say that you’ve changed.  They’re going to say you’re different now, that you’ve switched up. They’re going to say you’re not the same anymore—and they are right.  You are not. That is the point.  Growth makes people nervous, especially the ones who benefitted from the old version of you.  The version that over-gave, overexplained, overstayed, over-tolerated.  So instead of admitting that you outgrew the space, they tried to shame you for evolving.  They tried to make growth sound like betrayal, they tried to make healing sound like arrogance, but hear me clearly: people evolve.  People grow, people change direction.  That is not fake. That is life. If staying the same was the goal, you would still be stuck in every season that almost broke you.  If comfort was the assignment, you would never discover your full potential.  You are allowed to upgrade, you are allowed to want more, you are allowed to outgrow people who refuse to grow with you.  And here is the truth they do not want to say: your growth forces them to confront what they are avoiding, so instead of doing the work they criticize the mirror.  Do not shrink yourself to make people feel safe.  Do not apologize for becoming healthier. Do not go backwards just to make someone else comfortable. You are not changing for the worse, you are changing for the better, and anyone who cannot handle that was never meant to walk with the version of you that is coming. Keep evolving, keep growing, keep choosing better because the people who are meant for you will recognize growth as alignment, not abandonment,” Jay Douglas.

As we approach the end of the year, it’s time to start thinking about what life looks like moving forward.  I’m not talking about the resolutions we will hear about obsessively next week and then people will forget by the week after.  I’m talking about reflecting and soul-searching, and looking at the events of the past year with honesty. Being brave enough to evaluate what has happened and our role in it and what that means for the future.  I’m talking about evaluating if we are aligned with who we are and having the courage to shift course if we need to.  Not everyone is a block to the life we want to live but it may be even more true that not everyone is an ally on that journey.  It’s normal for anyone to be afraid of what comes next on any journey, especially if it is a huge shift from what they/we’ve known.  It is NOT normal for those who claim to love and support us to start cutting us down when we take those steps.  It is NOT normal for those who claim to love us to cut us off when we talk about a behavior that hurts us.  It is NOT normal for those same people to work behind our backs to spread their version of the story.  That’s manipulation and control and that is not someone who supports us moving forward.  Plot twist is that person can also be ourselves.  But that isn’t what this is about today—this is about recognizing whether or not our environment encourages growth and that includes the people around us. 

The season is about honoring what has happened, expressing gratitude for the blessings/joys we’ve experienced, and welcoming back the light.  This is also the time to prepare for what’s to come.  Knowing the light is coming and knowing it’s time for something new—the next phase.  I don’t suggest cutting everyone out of our lives by any means, but I recommend using an extremely discerning eye on those around us.  To do that, I recommend turning that eye to ourselves first.  What have we done to bring ourselves closer to our goals?  What have we done to support our growth/evolution into the person we say we want to become?  What have we done that held us back?  What patterns are we repeating?  What behavior are we allowing into our lives that stifles the light we try to bring?  Once we can answer that honestly and authentically, the healing can begin and we no longer feel the need to shrink.  As Douglas says, some people will be uncomfortable with that.  Don’t let their discomfort become a hindrance to our growth and goals.  In the next year we will continue to evolve and we will continue to have opportunities to create or stay the same.  Don’t be afraid to choose better if it means losing something.  In order to do better, we have to lose the things that prevent that change.  It only feels lonely until the new door opens up and we find ourselves where we always wanted to be.  Don’t abandon ourselves on that journey—stay present, stay honest, stay in who we are and let the rest fall always.  We are grateful for all we have, but we are also grateful for all we can unlock within ourselves.  Let’s prepare to move forward.

This is the first day I’ve taken off that didn’t require some form of work in over a year.  I’ve accumulated over 4 weeks of vacation time and my brain is ready for a rest.  There were signs I needed to rest all along—the anger, the frustration, the boredom, the sadness.  And I knew that was the problem all along—I needed rest.  I needed time to integrate and recoup and understand so much of what happened the year previously and in some instances what happened throughout my life.  I had to learn to look at the story I told from a new perspective.  Growth means change and that meant looking at it differently, looking at myself differently, and behaving differently.  I ended up doing what I THOUGHT was different, which was to work on different projects.  I worked on them all at the same time and ended up buried.  I needed a change but I didn’t consider the pause—as I so often told everyone around me and as I often shared here.  I knew (know) action is the best way forward but I completely booked myself to the point I couldn’t breathe.  They were all things I wanted to do but I had no structure and I worked and worked and worked and instead of finding a way out or a way forward, I buried myself deeper, right alongside all the other things I’d thought I put behind me.

The body and mind gives signals all the time, as I mentioned above, I knew exactly what both my mind and body were telling me.  There was always something else, something that needed to be done, someone else who needed direction/instruction/consoling/comforting/reassuring.  Then people started to get angry when things fell through the cracks whether it was professionally or personally.  Instead of asking how they could help, they ignored and asked for more.  I figured since no one else saw this as a problem, perhaps I was too sensitive to the issue and I needed to buck up and double down.  And I did.  In some ways it was good because that made it painfully clear exactly what the problem was and where I didn’t fit.  The issue was trying to fit into all these different things at once, some of them weren’t even what I wanted.  I couldn’t stop to get my bearings enough to find the way.  As this year draws to a close, I feel a particular drain on my energy that’s telling me there is nothing left to give in this moment.  Projects are falling apart, a fatigue and melancholy rest over me and will not let up, a genuine depression for how things have turned out has it’s claws in me, and it seems for the first time in a while, I am out of options.  Stopping is the only thing I can do.

So I decided to take today off.  My mind still races with things I need to do, things I want to do.  But I can’t do justice to any of those things in this current state.  I need to put my energy where it belongs and right now this is about conserving what I have and reconnecting with the source.  What lights me up from within.  I spent a lot of time in the past and I’m seeing it so differently now. It’s not that I can go back or recreate what has happened and I need to stop trying to recreate that feeling for myself or for anyone.  They didn’t feel that way anyway.  This is about aligning with where I am now and setting new boundaries. There was a point I will admit I felt rest was a waste of time.  But I realized that taking the time to rest is better than the time spent redoing and fixing and backtracking would could have been avoided by simply pausing.  So, as I’ve said before.  Right now all that can be done is to stop digging and assess what’s happened.  Catch my breath.  I can’t change what happened but this is the chance to change what’s going to happen.  So breathe.        

Today’s message is brief: I hope this holiday has awoken a fresh perspective for all of us.  I hope we all find warmth in gathering in spirit and mind and body and are reminded of love and that we are love.  I hope we always remember to take the time to honor and respect and appreciate the light within us and that we remember that light far outweighs any darkness we feel.  Take some time to honor and reflect everything we’ve been through this year and to remember that brighter days are coming.  If we’ve made it this far, we can certainly make it a bit further.  Take today to reflect on the love around us and within us and to share that light with those most important to us.  I hope this day is filled with magic and healing and hope and endless joy.  The well is deep my friends, and we have a lot to be grateful for.  Never forget that.  Have a beautiful holiday no matter where you are or how you celebrate.         

Christmas is truly one of my favorite holidays.  I love the magic in the air and I love creating magic for my family.  I love the spirit and reminder of how even through hard times, we always have each other and the real strength and magic is in love and belief.  Even in the darkest of nights there is a light we can find.  And if we’ve found a particularly dark spot in ourselves this year, now is the time to make peace with that and allow some of our light to shine through again—even in those darkest of places.  Tonight is about love and hope above all.  Sure we all hope Santa brings us something special but the truth is there are infinite irreplaceable and special things in this world just as it is now and they are constantly around us.  I can attest first hand that it isn’t always easy to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps.  Sometimes life has a way of kicking our ass so thoroughly we aren’t sure how we can get up again.  Yet, every year, I find myself here in awe and in love and grateful for everything around me.  Not just materially in the safety I’ve built in my life and the home I’ve created, but with the genuine love of people I care about.  Time has a way of showing us what matters and revealing the truth about those around us. This year had some hard lessons.  But even with hard lessons, there is joy-and that is the light.

We can’t get to where we’re going without pushing through.  The great equalizer in this world is the test of strength we all face when it comes to taking that next step in our lives.  Whether it’s taking the leap on what we always wanted to do or finally speaking our truth or finally becoming honest about who we are, we will ALL have to decide if we are willing to face that challenge head on.  Part of the magic of this night has to do with the shedding and becoming that happens when we choose to enter the phase of unknown to find the next phase of known.  This night is filled with the hope and anticipation of great things to come.  Sure it’s terrifying to leave the safety of what we know because that makes us vulnerable.  But it also makes us open to receive.  No matter how tired we are and no matter how far we’ve come or how far we still have to go, taking that challenge head on opens a door to the strength we have in side that we may not have known to exist.  Open the door.  Embark on the journey and be grateful for the tools we have at our disposal.  We have everything we need with us, and with hope, belief, perseverance, and courage, a new life is birthed to us.  We’ve always had what we needed all along and this beautiful holiday is a reminder that we still have it.  Be grateful for what we have and for those we have with us but do not fear taking the steps on the path laid before us.  Do not be afraid to enter the darkness of the den to find the lion within is a cat that needs to be held.  To align with the magic that runs in our veins and to become who we are meant to be.  Let the light shine no matter how cold or dark and we find all the warmth we need within.  We will always be guided to where we need to be, we will always find our way.

In the coming weeks I want to focus some on what I brought up yesterday regarding picking our hard and the fine line between success and pain—well, specifically the effort for success being pain.  There’s a lot of nuance to that in regards to the idea that work is hard and our mindset to the belief that work has to be hard.  I talked about pain the other day in regards to our ability to focus on the end goal no matter what and the fact that in any goal there are things we will have to give up.  That remains true.  I want to keep that eye on the prize because we are entering a new phase.  We are entering a time where it’s more important to find the reality of who we are than it is to wear any mask we can create for our own comfort—or anyone else’s for that matter.  The chance of failure, while painful, is far less risky than taking no chance at all and any time we take a chance like that, we risk some type of pain.  I don’t believe all life has to be struggle or maximum effort but I am aware that the definition of pain depends on our resilience to the matter.  I’m reminded of the leader of our business referencing the graveyard and what we do with the dash between birth and death.  I’m reminded also that we speak of the richest place in the world being the graveyard for all the untapped potential and ideas buried in the earth.  I’ve seen family success and failure—One day I’ll share the full story of our bakery and our trucking business.  I’m aware of the pain of effort, the pain of the ALMOST, and the pain of loss and that background has created a fear in me for years that I didn’t recognize before now, before we approach the end of this chaotic and confusing year.  I’ve seen the wasted effort (I’ve felt it in my own actions) and I’ve seen the massive success of that same effort. 

With the latter point, I fully understand Hormozi when she says that successful people have a high tolerance for pain.  She also says, “Extraordinary results in public are the result of extraordinary suffering in private.”  It always bothered me that my ideas were misunderstood and often ignored because people couldn’t see the same picture I painted.  It bothered me even more that, in the act of taking on my own efforts to bring that picture to fruition was seen as hyper-independence and control.  Fine, there was a degree of the latter two points but it wasn’t about controlling others.  It was about controlling the outcome I so desperately wanted to see.  Regardless, with the entrepreneurial spirit high in both sides of my family, I understand the tolerance for pain as well as the work required out of the limelight to get there.  I’ve experienced that pain myself in trying to launch different ventures on my own and what I’ve seen in my brother and his own business.  Now, I share all of this because I’m 100% entering a new phase in my life.  I’ve faced some unexpected lessons this year with people I loved and cared about and I’ve had to learn new levels of what it takes to get what I want.  I’ve also learned that creating what I want looks and feels differently than I thought it would.  I’m finally aware of the potential I’ve always felt within and what it actually takes to unleash it.  None of that light would come out sitting in the  darkness of the blanket I put over my life to make others comfortable.  The ironic part is even offering that blanket to others became lonely because they still didn’t want to share when I offered exactly what they asked for.  That’s beside the point in the moment. 

The real point is that we need a particular mindset to go after what we want in this life.  We need clear values and a discerning eye and a certain tolerance for bullshit and a certain intolerance for the bullshit of others.  We have to tread the line of not being afraid to go it alone while being soft enough to adapt as needed.  We need to know when to put our heads down and do the work in silence and when we need to raise our hands, either to ask for help or to tell others to get the hell out of the way.  Life has this ebb and flow of taking control and taking orders and that pivots when we decide we want to go in another direction.  This has been a massively beautiful year and I’m still sad—gain takes loss and the losses I faced hurt.  But I will not regret the changes I went through and what they have brought into my life already.  Now it’s time to commit to moving forward and embracing the changes still to come.  We get to write our own story—we truly do—we just don’t always get to pick the color of the ink or where we write it down.  I’ve become very clear in these last few weeks, perhaps even just these last few days if I’m honest, and I see what needs to be done in the next year.  It’s ok to let go of the idea I’ve held onto for so long.  Several weeks back we spoke about what we have to leave in order to cleave—and sometimes the reverse is true—we have to cleave in order to leave.  Regardless of how we do it (separate the behavior to attach or separate the attachment to allow new behavior), we must change to change.  This isn’t one of those “New Year New Me” things—this is the awareness that change takes clarity and effort and focus.  This is the understanding of what we need to be willing to endure to get where we want to go. I look forward to sharing this next part of the journey.    

“The most successful people I know have a high tolerance for pain,” Leila Hormozi.  I’m on the fence with this one but felt it was an interesting point to address.  It isn’t necessarily that they have tolerance for pain but they have a tolerance for adapting to the unexpected and unknown.  They have a knack for compartmentalizing things.  They can look beyond the pain to do what needs to be done—they keep their eye on the prize and not the hurt.  Their main focus is identifying barriers to their goal and eliminating them so they can do the work they need to do to reach that goal.  They also have a high tolerance to persist.  They don’t let initial mistakes or failures stop them and they’re always willing to try something else.  They may get knocked down but they will certainly get back up.  It’s that drive to keep going no matter what that brings success. 

As I wrote that I understood how that may look like a tolerance for pain—but we all define pain differently.  When we keep our thoughts in line and have a firm sense of self as our foundation, less things can bother us.  We don’t let emotion make decisions. So that in itself is another key: successful people feel but they don’t get caught up in the feeling and they don’t make decisions at the height of that feeling.  The feeling doesn’t alter the scope or trajectory of their goal.  Resilience is a huge factor in the end result we see—we get what we put in.  It’s a matter of making a choice based on what we value and our ability to rise to the challenge.  Get up on the days we feel weak and keep doing something productive—keep the momentum going.    

Today I am grateful for witnessing healing.  Last night we went to my in-laws to celebrate Christmas and for the first time in a long time there was absolutely 0 BS from anyone.  There was no awkwardness or trepidation.  There is always room for change, healing, and communication.  It also showed me that we need to make a much more concentrated effort on how we spend our time.  I can’t keep piling more and more work on in the hopes that something will take off—I need to focus on presences and working with those around me and making sure the relationships with those I love are solid.  Making sure that those I love KNOW I love them.  Seeing the rifts heal over time and how we can find ourselves back together is a magical thing and if we can do that in one context we can certainly do it anywhere.  We just need concentrated effort and time.  Healing doesn’t always look like we think it will.  Sometimes it’s a matter of just letting it all go and moving forward—enjoying what we have and not living in a state that doesn’t exist anymore.  Sometimes it’s seeing the love that still exists in spite of anything that has happened.  Sometimes we have to get beyond the anger we feel in order to heal what is really lying underneath.  It’s seeing the understanding we are all on the same page.   

Today I am grateful for witnessing and experiencing family joy from another side.  I feel like such a child in so many ways sometimes, still wanting my parents to fix things, still feeling like I need them to fix things.  It isn’t something I feel all the time but it comes up when I’m in their presence, like I’m not sure who I am or what I’m allowed to do.  I remember my parents seeming to know exactly who they are and what they wanted, the same for my friend’s parents.  Being the age they were back then now feels like a dream, a surreal paradox of altered reality.  When you get stuck in your head sometimes you think your way is the only way or the things you know are how everyone knows.  It’s nice to have a reminder and a means to get out of our own heads where we see that there are alternatives to how we live and that it’s ok to do things differently.  It’s also nice to see that no one has it all together so the belief that we always feel like children and have no idea what we’re doing seems to be pretty much universal. I don’t think there is ever a point where people truly feel like they have a hold on everything.  Some may be better than others but we seem to do a lot of questioning our reality—and it made me feel better because I felt less like I was floating in space on my own.  It’s a human experience.  

Today I am grateful for not having to say anything.  I’ve been having a minor crisis of faith lately for a lot of reasons.  Changes, the time of year, confusion about what’s next, the imbalance of energy and power, the rug kind of being pulled out from under me in a lot of ways, reminders of time and the things I have to do, feeling lost in general.  I’ve been fighting my faith and my fear and feeling a lot like I’m on my own, screaming in a crowded room and no one listens.  Perhaps that’s a bit martyr like or even a bit “poor-me” but I can’t think of a way to explain the general melancholy and sadness.  I haven’t felt supported or much connection to source and I’ve been SO angry.  So hurt that things have started to fall apart for what seems like no reason.  There are circumstances that have always bothered me but when I look at the logic of it, even if it still irks me, I understand it.  Lately there seems to be no rhyme or reason to anything.  In spite of all that, I can’t help but admit that I’ve still been asking for signs and help even if I’ve been so angry I’ve claimed hatred to source.  It seems that the request was heard on some level.  I thought I would have to have a very difficult conversation this morning and out of left field, the very thing I needed to discuss (and was terrified to do) was brought up and the conversation was beautiful.  I hate that we’ve gone through what we have to get to this point but I would be remiss to say that miracles still happen.  Even when we least expect them.

Today I am grateful for bottom. To be honest that’s not entirely true.  I hate the bottom.  I hate the fall to the bottom, the feeling of being so out of control that there’s nothing we could do to stop it.  I hate the struggle to the top only to have it all seem like nothing as we hit the ground.  But the thing about bottom is it gets pretty clear.  Sometimes the truth is painful—and perhaps it isn’t so much that the truth is painful, it’s the loss of everything we’ve created to avoid the truth that’s painful.  It’s the misalignment of what we thought and hoped, what we remembered held against a reality that doesn’t match.  The mind is amazing at creating these realities for us, these places we convince ourselves exist—and the truth is if we can see them and feel them in our minds, how do they NOT exist?  Can anyone say that they aren’t real?  Regardless, when we lose what we thought we saw, what we thought we knew, and what we certainly thought we felt, it can feel like getting slapped in the face.  When we live in reality, when we learn to accept what is, we can see what we need to change.  Sometimes it takes getting to the bottom of it to know who we are and to understand what we want.  It takes being at the bottom to see a new way to the top and to fully comprehend that different means and viewpoints open different doors, we see a different life, we have different problems/views/possibilities.  And it’s ALL possible depending on what we see.  So don’t be afraid of the bottom.  It just might be the very best place to start.     

Today I am grateful for reminders of perception.  A follow up to my point above is the idea that we create this idea of what we think things are.  We think we know what people thought and felt and what it seemed like based on the stories we’ve been told.  Like we hold up these mythical versions of people and thinking they behaved any differently than we do.  The fact that they were human and, in fact, quite like us seems to escape us.  They were all trying to survive in their own way as well.  Just because they spoke differently, they were all saying the same thing and trying to find themselves the same way we do.  It’s important to get to the reality of who and what we really are.  When we are honest with ourselves, we unlock an entirely new world. The world would be a wonderful place without hiding these pieces of who we are.  The more we normalize who we are and accepting all those facets of what we are without worrying about hiding in what other people tell us we need to do or who we need to be, we can recognize the similarities in all our humanity.  There is no reason to hold anyone up on a pedestal or defer our power to them.  We just need to tell a different story.  Be honest and let the path unfold before us.   

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“How to heal: feel the thing you have an impulse to turn away from until the simplicity of being you is a reward unto itself,” Cory Muscara.  The urge to run away from pain is instinct and we have spent millennia running away from all those things that cause pain.  We’ve also spent millennia trying to answer the question about how to run away from the pain inside of us.  It’s one thing to escape from a physical threat—it’s quite another to have that source of pain so incredibly close.  I talked at length about depression the other day and how that battle within the mind is one of the most exhausting things we endure.  The internal battle is terrifying and that’s why we look for things outside of ourselves to fight.  In order to move past those things, however, we need to find the actual source of the issue—and face it.  There are many reasons for mental struggles ranging from physiological to environmental to circumstantial and each of them is as real as the next even if the solution is different.  In any case, no matter the cause, in order to address it we must get to the root.  It does no good to set an arm for a broken leg and we are so often avoidant of our mental/emotional challenges that that’s exactly what we’re trying to do whether subconsciously or consciously.

Healing looks different for everyone as we all have different things to heal from.  Different things apply and different things work to aid in the healing process but NOTHING will work if we continue to avoid it.  They say depression comes from avoiding the emotions we feel when dealing with a circumstance.  I can attest to the relief that comes from speaking the truth about how I feel.  I’ve had moments of regret when sharing those feelings didn’t turn out as expected but it certainly helped alleviate what I carried with me.  In the vein of self gaslighting, we need to consider honestly addressing the self-inflicted sources of pain we hold onto.  Without even talking about the why, we first have to acknowledge what the issue even is.  What is causing the suffering…and then we can get into the why.  It’s a lot of honesty and facing ourselves and that can take courage.  We are each our own worst enemies but we have the power to learn to love ourselves.  The more we accept ourselves (and accept of ourselves) the less we suppress and hide.      

I know these topics have been heavier as of late but I bring up mental struggles and healing at this juncture in the year because, while this is a time of celebration, reflection, and contemplation it is also a time when people face the reality of whatever their situation may be.  While people gather and celebrate, some are reminded of the pain of isolation and loneliness or their misses throughout the year.  We look forward to a season of love and giving while some see disappointment and sadness and we can’t demand those people snap out of whatever they’re feeling—they carry that weight and we can all find a way to lighten that load even if that’s reinforcing their presence is needed and wanted.  If we/they struggle to create space for themselves, we can hold space for them—or find those who will hold space for us.  Sometimes it’s taking that breath, that beat to hear the rhythm of our own hearts that reminds us our presence is worthy—and so are we.  That key to self-worth brings us straight to the root of any pain we have.  No matter what struggles we’re dealing with, remember we always have the key to heal and move forward.     

Courtesy of The Depression Project

What self-gaslighting looks like: Depression edition

1. Blaming yourself for letting go of healthy habits.  When you should acknowledge the depression fog that makes it difficult to maintain routine and order
2. Shaming yourself for resting more when you should acknowledge that depression can drain you of all of your energy
3. Telling yourself your struggle is invalid because others have it worse when you should acknowledge that depression doesn’t discriminate—you can “have it all” and it will still make you feel like you have nothing
4. Criticizing yourself for ruminating about your past pain when you should acknowledge that depression can make you get “stuck” on certain negative events and have repetitive thought loops around it
5. Shaming yourself for not being able to do the “little things” and concluding you’re worthless when you should acknowledge that depression makes life feel so heavy that you just need to take a break and exist until the storm passes

Any type of mental struggle or chemical imbalance is the worst kind of battle.  It’s a battle within and the contender never shuts up and never stays down.  Even if you think you’ve delivered the knock out blow, somehow it comes back stronger than ever, ready to go another 10 rounds.  It’s the opponent that literally knows each and every single one of your secrets, your inner workings, the things you consider weak points, your fears, and your dreams.  It knows how to turn your triumphs into dust and your biggest fears into reality.  It’s the storm that pops up out of nowhere on a cloudless day—and it brings an F5 with it.  It’s terrifying and exhausting all at once.  All of that comes from within and there are times when it’s happening 24/7.  It feels like it would be easier to jump in that ring.  I am a firm believer that we can manage our mindset and our emotions—I never said it was easy nor is it a one and done type thing.  There is no time limit on these things.  But when we don’t have that control and we cut our own legs out from beneath us, it makes it all the worse.     

I want to take a moment to talk about number 3 on this list.  The truth is there are people who are far worse off than any one of us reading this right now.  There are absolutely levels of “who has it worse.”  That doesn’t mean our struggle isn’t real.  The mind makes it feel very real and it lies over and over again where we can’t discern our voice/reality from that lie.  They become the same.  I will say this: both are true, that there are people who have it worse and it doesn’t discriminate. In the middle lies the truth which is that it’s about perspective.  Chipping a nail falls short of fracturing your leg just as someone who has to worry about finding a place to sleep at night or trying to find a meal supersedes not being able to choose a restaurant. With that being said, we can only deal with what is in front of us or within our own mind.  The problem is still real no matter what type of hierarchy we put on it.  Suffering is suffering, we just need to keep it in perspective.  If you feel pain you’re in pain, you don’t need validation from anyone.  There’s a truth that goes with this as well: the longer we deny what we actually feel, the more depressed we can get because we aren’t behaving in tandem with how we feel, we’re creating a false reality because we’ve minimized our own thoughts and emotions.

As we are still wired for survival, we compare ourselves and we listen and try to adapt to our surroundings no mater how negative they may be—and a lot of negativity can come from some pretty positive looking places.  The point is that there comes a time for all of us when we start to listen to those outside influences more than ourselves.  Those outside influences become the voice we hear as I mentioned above.  Trying to fit in a box isn’t normal, ignoring signs our mind/body gives us isn’t normal, expending energy to make others feel a certain way isn’t normal.  Seeing the façade nearly every person presents on social media has created such a false sense of reality that we really can’t even use that as a gauge anyway—it’s fake.  All the things we’ve told ourselves are normal are the very ingredients that combust into that mental chaos and confusion that we shame ourselves for feeling.  Those feelings are inevitable when we look at what’s stacked there.  We have to be in our own corner and be our own advocate—we can’t be an adversary to ourselves.  So take a look at that list and find a way to be comfortable listening to what is needed.  The less we gaslight ourselves, the easier it is to recognize when others do it to us.  It’s up to us to set those boundaries.