I’ve always wanted to see France. I was inexplicably drawn to it from the time I was young.  The culture, the atmosphere, the country itself, it all just seemed so welcoming to me.  There was something familiar in all the things I researched and discovered, in every movie I saw that took place in France  I studied French for 7 years—I was given the Senior Medallion in French upon graduation and my classmates had often joked that my future self would be living in France starring in the educational videos we watched to learn the language.  I dreamt of visiting the entire country forever. It was somewhere I wanted to go with my husband and son for ages.  My sister has a friend who lives there and I found out she recently decided to go visit her in Paris.  Upon sharing this news, I found out my other sister also recently agreed to a trip to France in 2026.  I’m thrilled for them because it’s an amazing experience and given that opportunity, I would take it in a heartbeat—I wouldn’t begrudge that type of trip to anyone.  I felt my heart twinge a bit because I truly do want to go and I realized that the only reason I haven’t gone is because I haven’t gone.  Sure, there are some arrangements I need to make and some preparation I have to do to be able to go—but there is nothing stopping me from doing it.     

So here is the lesson: To change the fruits, we have to change the roots. The fruits are the results we see (income for example) but it all grows from roots like thoughts and emotions (a timely lesson from MindValley advertising).  I’ve told myself for ages that I can’t go because I couldn’t afford it.  That I wouldn’t know what to do.  That I might be able to afford to go alone but I would never go alone.  That I was afraid of flying over there.  This isn’t just about the fruit of taking a trip to France, this is about the entirety of how I view life.  I allow myself to be distracted and bogged down and overworked, constantly taking on new projects, not raising my hand enough when I feel like I’m drowning.  So I come very near to drowning before I come to my senses and put my foot down.  I built a narrative around the idea that I couldn’t step away from the life I’ve built here—the work I do, my home, my parents and that I couldn’t afford it.  That has bled over into the every day as well.  I get myself so stuck in work and projects that even the local trips I want to take are constantly pushed back. I constantly put my life on hold for one responsibility or another. I admittedly like to see all my ducks in a row, it makes me comfortable but the only guarantee we have is this moment.  We don’t have to have all those ducks in a row—some ducks move slower than others and some are ready to fly off.  Some like to waddle into the wall.  Some like to splash in the pond.  The point is nothing will ever fully align perfectly to make me feel comfortable.  So I need to be comfortable with doing what calls to me.   

So when we want to change something around us, the first thing we must do is look inwardly.  There have been a few instances lately of people doing things I’ve always wanted to do (writing, travel, certain local experiences) and I could definitely mope about it.  But I choose to see this as the energy I’m seeking is close to me.  The opportunities are at hand if these people are in my proximity doing the things I’m wanting to do.  We have to go in to get out and we must find what our roots are currently being fed.  Everything we see is a reflection of some previous thought or idea or belief we had.  We can’t move forward toward growth and change if we hold onto the same things we always did.  I know this message isn’t new but I felt, as we head into the end of the year, that it was an appropriate reminder.  This year has flown by and it feels like I could barely catch my breath in this last quarter.  I know that I wasn’t able to be as attentive and present as I wanted to be so some of my work hasn’t been what I thought it would be.  I know moving forward that I don’t want to get bogged down again, taken under by an endless to-do list and distraction.  I know the world will move on even if I don’t meet that deadline.  And I know that the experience of France is waiting for me at the right time and it will be exactly what I need it to be.  I just need to water those roots a bit more.     

Today I am grateful for a break.  This last week was exhausting on so many levels.  There were several 11-12 hour days at work and, while I’m fortunate enough to work from home, the work isn’t done until it’s done.  There are no “hours.”  I’ve had roles like that before but it was in a different type of leadership where you were on someone else’s time meaning if there was any type of personal crisis, as a leader, I’d be the one expected to handle it and resolve it, find someone to cover and make sure the operation kept moving.  This type of leadership is about running the entire show, coming up with a plan and executing. Pivoting and revamping ideas, learning and adapting on the fly.  This type of work is fascinating but I need to remember it doesn’t operate on a schedule.  So after several weeks of an intense workload, I am grateful that the upcoming week is a break of sorts due to the holiday.  Yes, I will still have to work, but it it’s a different type of work, a different pace.  I am also grateful that I get to spend time with family

Today I am grateful for reminders that we don’t always know the full story.  We may think something is amazing and lovely but we don’t always see behind the curtain.  There are things happening that show us how what we may believe to be perfect is falling apart behind the scenes.  Sometimes people get to partake in what we think is an opportunity of a lifetime.  It seems like it’s all smooth sailing and it all comes together just right for them.  It can lead to feelings of frustration and even misunderstanding.  But it was nice this past week to be reminded that not all is as it seems and there are many humbling moments for the person who made it seem so lovely as well as for us on the receiving end who may have tipped toward jealousy thinking the other person had it easy so to speak.  People fight different battles all the time and just because some parts of their journey may be easy, there are others that only SEEM easy.  We never know the full extent of the story.  We don’t know what they are enduring on the other side.    

Today I am grateful for seeing timing.  My family has been dealing with a difficult and sensitive situation surrounding the care of one of our extended family members.  While some of the issue was caused from people’s choices, the other part came from no one really knowing what to do and then from others not listening to those with more experience.  So it was a volatile situation of self-martyrdom, genuine confusion, self-righteousness, and stubbornness.  But the situation was coming to a head very quickly and there were concerns about what would happen with the upcoming holidays and the longevity of this plan others were working through.  I truly believe that miracles happen in unexpected ways and this past week showed us that.  Last Friday the person involved became ill enough that they were brought to a facility for care.  There was no more choice in the matter, there was no more back and forth or wondering what to do next, no more fear about what would happen over the next few weeks, no more question about who should be involved and who would speak to whom.  The choice was made for us in the kindest way possible and there was nothing else to do.  The situation, while not over, is resolved to the next logical step in the progression of things.  This was an example of divine timing, I can’t believe it was anything less. 

Today I am grateful for putting aside fear.  I am truly an extremely anxious person and, while I have a modicum of control/understanding what is actually anxiety in my life versus something I need to address, there are times I feel I have no control over what I’m afraid of.  The fears are deep-rooted and they come before I can orient myself and manage my own emotions.  This year has felt like a blur on so many levels.  Things happened months ago that feel like it was YEARS ago. I feel like I’ve experienced a lifetime with the amount of shifting that has happened over the last 6 months alone.  That wasn’t a bad thing on many levels, it was adaptation.  But I’d be lying if I said that I was perfectly acclimated at this point or that I didn’t see the effects of mismanaged time and the effect of time in general.  If we aren’t awake and present, it really can become a matter of blink and you may miss it.  The last 6 months have made it feel like I’m behind the 8-ball so to speak in many ways.  Like these last 3 months in particular have flown by in a way that seems unreal.  So I wasn’t prepared for the upcoming holidays, not by a long shot.  I’m still not.  But I’m getting there and I didn’t let the fear of time or the fear of limited resources get to me.  I don’t want to stop living now for fear that I won’t have enough moving forward.  I have plenty, I am gifted, I am fortunate and I have opportunity to share even if it feels limited.  I won’t forget that and I put aside the fear of not having enough or not being able to do enough and I made the choice to become more inclusive to those I love instead of putting restrictions and limitations on the circumstances.  It’s time to celebrate and live and no matter how disorienting this whole time thing has been, it doesn’t change that THIS is where we are at.

Today I am grateful for centering.  We truly do need to stop and look around every now and then and just breathe.  There is so much beauty in this world and we need to take that in, we need to immerse ourselves in it.  We need reminders of how small we are, not to make us feel powerless, but so we learn to be fully present for all we are privileged enough to see and do while we are here.  There are works of art that have been around for hundreds of years.  Structures that existed for near millennia before us. Evidence of life in different forms from millions of years ago.  There is sustenance in the Earth.  There is magic in our veins.  There is evidence of connection everywhere, right down to the blood that flows through our veins.  The fact that we are able to experience and stand witness to the same places and things that people did centuries ago is awe-inspiring in itself.  They were human just as we are and likely faced the same types of insecurities we do.  We feel the same fears and strengths and joys and nerves, and triumphs, and frustrations that they experienced as well.  It’s amazing to me how much changes over time yet how much stays the same.  We can’t repeat history if we want to make real changes, yet something keeps us all on this wheel to a degree.  That used to make me angry and even dizzy but now it makes me see things more clearly.  There is a universal human experience we all share and there is the unique experience for each of us.  We need to spend time in the common ground.  Slow down.  Take our place in the bigger picture.  It’s not that important in the grand scheme of things.  Just breathe.      

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Help where it matters.  A reminder that showing up and doing as appropriate is what it means to be helpful.  Showing up, taking over, doing what you THINK is helpful isn’t helpful.  It’s an unnecessary stressor to the one you say you’re helping, and a call for attention on yourself rather than the individual you’re trying to help.  I’m guilty of thinking I know what people need—we all see a situation from our perspective or we’ve experienced something similar so we know how we would handle it and we think that’s the best way to approach someone else with a similar issue.  But here’s the thing: regardless of intentions, if we aren’t helping where the person actually needs it, then we aren’t contributing anything valuable to the situation.  I’ve also been on the receiving end of people who thought they were helping when all they were doing was steam-rolling my emotions and not hearing what the actual issue was—it felt awful.  I would never encourage NOT helping, but we have to be self-aware enough to know when to offer what we know and when to tap into what the person is asking for.

We also have to be cognizant that what we have may not be what the person needs.  Sometimes all they need from us is an ear.  Sometimes they need our help to lift the world but we may not be that person to do it all in every situation.  And that’s ok.  We can’t put our emotions/reactions into a situation because the things that might bother us may not have the same impact on someone else.  They may not need us for the same things we’d need them for.  The key is to listen and actually hear what the person needs, what they are asking for.  Some people may say that “help is help” and we should be grateful for what we get.  Help IS a beautiful thing and so is the intention behind helping others—but if we continue watering a plant that is already hydrated, we will drown it.  So we need to pay attention to what it is we can actually contribute in a situation and know when to back off. Helping isn’t about US, it’s about the action needed in the moment.       

The mind spins and spins, constantly thinking of what I could or should be doing.  I start a project that my mind says I need to focus on in that moment only to work on it for five minutes and realize there’s something else I should be doing.  I start that and then I want to work on the project I started in the first place.  I commit to too many things at the same time thinking I can do it.  And for many years I DID do it.  I worked through the frustration and demands of the time and I made whatever I needed to happen, happen.  But over the last few months I’ve seen that I can’t operate like that anymore.  Dividing my mind like that isn’t as easy as it used to be and focusing on nothing while feeling like I need to do everything isn’t getting anything done.  And that creates frustration and exhaustion with a mile of things that were started and still need to be finished.  The human mind is an amazing thing and there is so much that works itself through our subconscious and unconscious minds.  The heart, mind, body, and soul all know what’s really going on and they all try to give us signs to guide us to the root of the problem.    

When I’ve felt especially stressed in my life, it’s been a common thing for me to dream about it.  Dreaming of multiple tornadoes breaking out, all in a row, watching from an office building, waiting for the sirens but running like a caged rat until I knew what to do.  I told people what was coming, I told them they needed to move.  They did nothing.  The funnels touched down, spinning their path directly toward the building.  They did nothing.  They stared, not even willing to protect themselves.  So I took pictures of the tornadoes, trying to capture them.  And I moved on to a store, still running from the storm, no one listening, no one caring what I told them.  I had to look up the meaning of such a dream and it told me I was overwhelmed.  I am.  I’m overwhelmed with trying to solve problems for people who know the solution and do nothing.  Overwhelmed with doing the work of multiple adults.  Overwhelmed with needing to make a decision for my sanity but not knowing who will be there for me in the end. Each of those tornadoes, an obstacle or truth I don’t want to face, all of them ready to take me away with them…and I don’t know what to do. 

The subconscious mind is an amazing thing.  The interpretation of outside stimulation and internal emotion mixing in a world only we can see in our minds is fascinating.  For me, that dream in particular stopped me in my tracks.  The dream itself woke me up, intense enough that my heart pounded with genuine fear.  It stopped me again when I looked up common meanings of tornadoes in dreams.  I mentioned the overwhelm but it also hit on struggles with relationships and control.  Most people would struggle with this to a degree, I’m aware, but the timing of this is more than coincidental.  If we understand the universe to respond to us and that nothing happens by accident, then this is an accurate representation of something I need to address in the waking world.    

When I feel like I’m speaking a different language, people don’t understand me, Or I’m looking at people like they’re crazy because I don’t understand them, it feels like fight or flight, like I’m out of my skin.  I have to realize, they’re just as scattered as I am on the inside.  I’m sure we’ve all had the experience where we’re talking to someone and we are well aware the message just isn’t hitting home.  That hamster is going for a ride around the wheel and about to fly off.  But the state of the world now lives little room for anything but confusion and distraction and for people to try and keep up with the incessant barrage of change and speed and fear.  It can feel like we’re speaking different languages—and to a degree we are—but it make sense that we would because our minds are protecting us.  We feel like we’re behind or we don’t have the right thing to say but we don’t want to be rude so we say nothing.  Or far simpler, we can’t hear the person and we don’t want to ask them to repeat themselves a fourth time so we nod, missing the point.  We ALL feel this way.  So the point is this: we are trained to preserve and protect ourselves so we will do our best to feign knowledge and awareness but there are times the mind and body can’t keep up. 

I’m convinced this is how many of the most common disagreements start—we can’t keep up and we’re trying to make decisions while we are already depleted.  We don’t hear each other or we just want to respond and move on.  There are studies that show patients with hearing issues are more prone to dementia.  I understand that.  They aren’t able to sense or function with the world in a way so they are disconnected from what’s around them.  Their mind isn’t able to keep up because it isn’t working with the most current information.  So when we aren’t connecting with each other or fully speaking the same language, of course we misunderstand each other.  The human mind seeks to make sense of what it takes in through the senses and we are trained to make choices as quickly as possible so if we don’t have all the information of course we won’t be able to make the right choice—we won’t be speaking the same language because we’re operating with part of the story.  We have to remember that everyone feels like that at some point.  We all feel like we’re behind or that people don’t understand us. 

So instead of feeling like we are victims or misunderstood, take the time to truly understand what’s going on.  If we don’t fully understand something then make the effort to understand.  Ask the questions until we can get on the same page.  I’d rather have someone get angry at me for asking too many questions rather than assume I know something I don’t.  And look, we are human and misunderstandings will happen no matter what we do, that’s just the nature of it.  The key is when we start to feel like we are off or like something isn’t going how it should, it isn’t what we understood, we need to train ourselves that it’s ok to pause and put in a little bit of time to figure out what is going on.  Think about how frustrating it is when we can’t hear each other or when someone isn’t seeing a situation our way.  And you can’t tell me we all didn’t have that one time when we couldn’t see what the hell was on that “Magic Eye” drawing—it was frustrating to not see what other people could.  So we KNOW what that feels like.  So the next time we feel a certain way about something, take a breath and ask ourselves if there is some sort of misunderstanding occurring in that moment and what we can do to get to the root of the issue.  The sooner we speak the same language, the sooner we can arrive at the best conclusion for everyone.               

I watched a show on Netflix about a haunting someone experienced while at college (I still have a paranormal kick, it’s a guilty pleasure).  This person was an athlete on track to go to the Olympics, a steady student, disciplined, and stuck to the straight and narrow in all things so to say he was used to order is a bit of an understatement.  During the interviews, his father made a comment to the effect that the sense of order that comes from self-discipline gives a sense of safety. All of the structure we build in our lives including our routines gives us a sense of accomplishment and safety because we know what’s coming.  We know what to expect and we know how to handle it.  Regardless of this being in reference to a paranormal experience, that quote stood out.  We create routine for a sense of safety.  Routines developed over time for myriad of reasons—a time to plant and harvest the appropriate things, time to find safety, time to find work, a way to accommodate work and education, and even the systems we have in place around finances, education, healthcare, politics, etc.  All those systems exist to establish control and order.  Then we develop our individual systems to give us that sense of control in our own lives and without it, we get a little wonky.

From a mental health perspective, I go back and forth on the relevance of systems because I can see it going either way.  They’re either highly useful or they quickly become destructive.  Systems outside of ourselves tend to benefit the system itself while the systems we create can be highly beneficial.  But in either scenario (internal or external systems) we do it because we feel safe.  When we have a sense of order we feel like we’re in control and that makes us feel safe.  We may not even realize that safety is what we’ve been seeking—some of us like to know the answers because we like to know things without realizing the underlying implication that we are in control of things that happen outside of us.  The thing about unexpected experiences is that they show us what we DO have control over: our emotions and thoughts.  We don’t have to react to everything immediately.  We can take a step back, take a beat and realize how temporary our feelings are and make a decision about what we actually want to do versus what we think we have to do.  And if we really think about it, THAT is actually how we create safety. We demonstrate understanding and thought in the actions we take.  Sure, we are all human and we all have those moments where we legitimately have to act right then and there or where our emotions do get the best of us—but we don’t operate like that on a daily basis.

We establish our routines when we have a goal in mind and we know the steps we need to take to get there.  The level of discipline that follows can be an indicator of how far we would get on that journey toward the goal.  The sense of safety we feel isn’t necessarily from control, it’s from learning that we are capable of handling ourselves in any situation.  So this story in particular was interesting because it took place while in college—a time when we transition to adulthood and learn how to handle ourselves, we learn how to solve our own problems, learn what we like and don’t like, learn what it means to take responsibility for ourselves.  If we can establish discipline over our emotions in those scenarios, then we can do it anywhere.  When unexpected things come up, we learn to adapt the routine or change it as appropriate and sometimes our lives go in directions we didn’t anticipate.  We fall short of the goal.  But in most cases, if we really look back and think about it, we always ended up exactly where we needed to regardless.  So discipline has a time and a place as does routine—but we must remember that the only discipline that really matters is the discipline we have over ourselves and how we answer the call of what we are meant to do, how we handle setbacks, how we pivot, and how we approach the next goals.  Safety comes from knowing how to handle ourselves and following through.  That’s how we can handle anything that comes our way.

Some people say they want to be saved but they don’t want to change.  We can’t be saved without changing…something.  We’ve all seen the stories of heroes rushing in to save the day, beating all odds at the last minute.  We’ve heard the fairy tales of the princes rescuing the fair maidens and changing their lives.  They so often don’t talk about the AFTER.  How long did that last?  Because when we have a whole new life to work with, we have to make some changes to maintain it.  Some people say they want to change but they sit and wait for that prince to come rescue them—we have to be our own savior even if we need a little help sometimes.  Saving ourselves means making a change.  If something isn’t working in our current circumstances, then repeating them thinking things will change is pointless.  There comes a point when we are responsible for the outcome and that is based not only on what we choose, but on what we do.  This is why when we make resolutions or promises tied to something outside of ourselves, something arbitrary like how we look, that change won’t last.  First, we need to MAKE the effort, and then we need to tie our effort to how we feel.    

Look, change is work no matter how we look at it.  Sometimes it’s easier than others, but the bottom line is there has to be some effort to accommodate the new work we’re doing and the new life we’re trying to live whether it’s taking a class, starting a new job, a willingness to be vulnerable in learning, or being honest and taking a stand. Only that work will make the shift we are looking for.  And I love Fairy Tales as much as the next girl but there is no prince coming to save any of us.  We have to do the work.  And here’s the other thing some people need to learn to accept: we don’t necessarily need saving, we may ONLY need to change. Change, while scary, may be the only thing required to shift us from where we are to where we want to go.  One shift in habit may be the key to unlocking an entirely new world.  One choice in favor of what you want to do can turn everything around.  One moment of restraint in our words can demonstrate the power we never thought we had.  One breath of hope can be the fuel we need to keep going.  Not one of those things came from someone else—we are ultimately the heroes of our stories and we don’t have to wait to be saved.  We don’t need to be saved—we need to be savvy and to remember who we are.

This is a reminder of the power each one of us has in our lives.  Sitting around waiting for something to magically put us where we belong, hoping that our suffering is going to awaken some sort of urge in others, or constantly choosing to repeat the same detrimental patterns thinking someone else will change are surefire ways to let all that power go.  I want to reiterate that there are obviously times we will need help or we may need motivation from someone to get started—but no one will do the work for us.  There comes a point where we need to take responsibility and accept our choices—and accept the fact that we are here because of our choices.  That means we have the ability to choose again and we get to start over.  We get to remember how we feel and what we want and what we are capable of and we can make the shifts necessary to either get back on track or shift.  No one will do that for us.  There’s a saying I shared years ago about how if we don’t like where we are, move, because we aren’t trees.  I learned at that time that there ARE in fact some trees that move.  So the lesson is NOTHING stays the same forever (even if we don’t get to witness it) so if we need to make a change, don’t wait for someone to change for us or for someone to hand us what we want: go for it. We HAVE the power and gifts, we just need to DO something with them.  

“If you miss me, just remember I’m as far as you pushed me.  You didn’t lose me in one moment, you lost me daily,” Jay Douglas. We can only do so much to maintain relationships.  We need to recognize when the effort is simply not worth it when it isn’t reciprocated.  Relationships aren’t always 50/50—some days we need it to be 70/30 or even 90/10—but for the people who never respond or are all too comfortable taking 100, or they’re only around when they need something, that puts us at the point where we need to walk away.  It isn’t selfish, it’s self-preservation.  It isn’t our responsibility to mend relationships with people who have no interest in being a partner to us.  It’s ok to set the boundary without guilt and it’s ok to acknowledge that some people aren’t our people. What we allow is what enters our lives, no one will protect or respect that boundary unless we create and enforce it.  I’m not saying we need to build a fortress, we just need to know our limits.  Also remember that what we resist persists—like, pushing people to be who we think they are will never work. If we constantly try to make that person be who we want them to be, the further they will push away from us.  We have to accept people are who they show us they are.

I’ve heard from a few people lately that they miss me while my door has been open the entire time.  I’ve seen them walk past, pretending they couldn’t see it or that they couldn’t hear me responding to them.  I’ve reached out to these same people asking for connection to hear nothing in return.  Yet when we are in situations where we have no choice but to be with each other, suddenly they miss me.  It’s funny that the entire time the way was open and I’d gone more than half way and you weren’t there.  Seems like missing someone would warrant making a little effort.  Relationships don’t break down overnight and they don’t disintegrate because of one person, either.  No relationship is effortless, but they also don’t require one person to exhaust themselves or lose themselves in accommodating the other.  Our lives aren’t meant to be spent pleasing others and folding ourselves into little boxes to make people accept us.  So when it comes to missing people, if that relationship is worth it, then we make the effort to miss them less by reaching out, extending the hand to make sure they know we are there.  I had to get over feeling like I was intruding on those I loved when I wanted to speak with them.  If I wanted contact, I needed to pick up the phone—so I know it works and that’s why I was always cognizant of keeping myself open for communication. 

We are not obligated to blur our boundaries or become something else to keep a relationship.  I found my best friend when I was 6 years old and to this day I am still reminded nearly every time we talk WHY we are best friends. There is no comparison to that person who just GETS it—and I am forever grateful to her because she helped me remember what it means to value those we care for and that it isn’t our job to be liked by everyone.  That person who has the same wild fear of flying over water because they might get eaten by some sea creature….I mean, not having to explain that is priceless.  There are just those people who require 0 explanation for anything that goes through your mind because they are already on the same frequency, they match your energy.  The body knows this and it knows when there are those who DON’T match our vibe.  They don’t even match what they say.  The people who claim they miss us yet do nothing to rectify it when there is every opportunity to do so don’t match that vibration.  We can say whatever we want to, it’s what we do and feel that shows what we really mean.  So if there is a fracture in a relationship and we’ve done our part to repair it, it’s safe to say the other party might need to put in some effort. We are only as far as we keep people and vice versa.  Don’t go chasing people, trying to force them to walk through an open door.  If they keep walking, let them.

Today I am grateful for signs.  I enjoy having a lot of positive, inspirational things around me including positive words from writers I enjoy.  In classic me fashion, I tend to overcommit and I don’t always get to read all the newsletters I sign up for in a timely manner.  The other day I was in my email and I saw one that talked about being meant to hear these words today. It happened to be one of the newsletters that I normally would put on the back burner for later, but I felt in my heart that I needed to look at it then, it was something that called to me.  I looked at it and the writer had an interview with another writer and the name was familiar—when she said the name of the book I realized it was a book I’ve had for years and used to read quite often but hadn’t for a while.  So the message of the newsletter was great but I ended up picking up that book to see what THAT message was for the day and it ended up being a reminder about confidence and knowing who we are—which is exactly what MY writing had been about the two previous days.  We have to remember the universe is ALWAYS talking to us—we just have to remember to slow down and listen.  We also have to remember that the universe speaks to us in the language and frequency we put out so if we really pay attention, we know what it’s telling us.  I knew I was supposed to open that newsletter that day, I knew I was supposed to pick up that book again, and I know that I am meant to continue my work, step by step whether I see the end or not.  This is where I’m meant to be.

Today I am grateful for reminders to focus on my creativity and the things that bring me joy.  I’ve been struggling with a project I’ve been working on for over a year.  It’s not turning out how I want it to and the stories and pieces I’m putting together aren’t the full truth of what happened.  Some of it had to change for specific reasons but there are other parts that just don’t feel like the story I needed to tell—they don’t seem like my life.  And I realized that if I’m going to share my story, it needs to be my story.  So all the time I’ve put into this and now there comes another pivot.  But what brings me back to focus is I received a call from my manager and her asking where I was at with the work and me not really being able to tell her what was going on.  And it hit me that I’m overcomplicating the entire situation.  I just need to get in and do the work, tell the story and then worry about the rest later.  Just tell the story.  Find the pieces that I want to share and let it out. Trying to make it palatable to others or simply sharing the information isn’t going to cut it.  I need to share what is in my heart and remember the point of what I and why I wanted to share it in the first place.  So, even this far in, it’s fine to reset and get back to the work that makes me happy.  It’s time to start again. 

Today I am grateful for communication.  Most of my day is spent working through work projects and problems that arise related to my applications. If I have time to address my own projects or get a few things done around the house in between, I do.  But most of my day is spent alone, creating my own schedule and doing what I feel I need to.  I don’t get to spend a lot of time just chit-chatting anymore.  So I got a call from an acquaintance whom I normally don’t spend a ton of time speaking with because we kind of have different involvement on the periphery of the same friend group.  She’s constantly busy with work and has a lot of involvement in her kids’ activities and I work a lot whether on my projects or my 9-5.  So when she called, I wasn’t entirely expecting it.  We were trying to coordinate the kids getting together earlier that day and I had just expected a quick text about what the plan was but she called while at an event for her daughter and we ended up speaking for about an hour.  It was nice to have a conversation with another adult about something outside of the house and to take a little bit of time to learn more about each other.  Our kids have gone to school together for four years and we’ve been at the same activities together but we haven’t spent too much time together outside of those events.  It was nice to feel like I had someone else to connect with especially with everything that’s been happening the last several months.  Sometimes we just need to talk. 

Today I am grateful for unexpected reconnections. Like a lot of people, my family relationships, specifically with the extended family is somewhat strained.  Most of that comes from what others have told us and what we’ve been brought up to believe, adopting other people’s feelings toward each other.  It’s ridiculous.  We were close when we were kids and we let the talk of our parents and others sink into our minds and then life hit and we were all distracted by the things we had to do and the lives we chose.  There are some people I haven’t spoken to in years and I hate that because we weren’t like that as children and I have experienced losing family unexpectedly so I should know better than to allow the habit of not speaking to each other continue.  There was an incident with my uncle the other day and I knew it was time to reach out to my cousin to hash out what needed to be said—we are the adults now, we don’t have to abide by what our parents said 30 years ago.  We ended up talking for over an hour and it is so obvious that we are in different places than we were 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago.  Sure, there are some old habits and fears that linger, but we are healthy, capable adults and it’s time for us to take responsibility moving forward—and to understand that what I saw and was told all those years ago was crap.  We can start over now.  If we want to connect to people, just do it.  Pick up the phone because we never know how much time we have.  Don’t waste it.

Today I am grateful for understanding we live in a 24/7 world.  These last 6 months I’ve had to rearrange my schedule numerous times as I’ve adapted to a new role.  Like any other human on Earth, I have competing priorities and things I want to do so I have set times that I like to put toward specific things—with my new role, I’ve had to learn to shift my idea of work time and what my role means. That’s not a bad thing, I’m just saying for someone who focused on “work is this time,” “exercise is this time,” “dinner is this time,” learning to shift and pivot to understanding what was required of me and when took me a minute.  I recently had to adapt again and this time really made me consider what my work day is.  This role isn’t strictly 9-5 but it also isn’t 24/7 (not quite at least).  But the world we live in IS 24/7.  There are different patterns and life at different times and certain needs come in at different times of the day.  Problems don’t always happen between 9-5. Family time isn’t always on nights and weekends.  We must adapt to what’s happening right in front of us.  Sure we can plan and we can stick to what we know but that doesn’t mean things won’t come up and we get called into the fire so to speak.  As much as I’m trying and have been trying to establish routine, I understand now that I am privileged to work from home and my availability and my choice to when I work is different now.  And that is a whole new sense of freedom.    

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

When I think about legacy, I think about what people generations from now will think of me.  Will I even be known?  Frankly, if this is after my time, does it even matter?  In my younger days I was far more secure in my knowledge of the world because that knowledge revolved around what already happened.  I thought I knew it all and could make choices based on what I saw and what I felt.  If only it were that simple.  There were times I thought I made a stand for something when in reality I just made a scene—and that is not the legacy I want to leave behind.  It can be a fine line between notoriety and notorious and my goal was never to be known as anything but a conduit for change, a smart person who understood what needed to be done and was instrumental in arriving at a mutually beneficial outcome for everyone.  I wanted to be a problem solver and someone to help shift things so they were better for everyone.  I mean the goal wasn’t to be remembered but it also wasn’t to be nothing—I wanted to have enough of an impact now that I could put the voices of others’ criticism behind me, secure in who I was.  I wanted to just do something I found valuable that provided value to others.

I fell into the trap of getting caught up in what other people thought I was.  I spent more time trying to convince them to look beyond my appearance to see what I was inside than I did focusing on my work—to stop looking at my stature and realize how big my ideas were.  I thought people had to believe in me BEFORE I did anything of value, that they needed to take me seriously so I could do serious things.  I deferred to too many people whether they were the adults around me, trying to make them proud, or my peers, trying to make them accept me.  It created instability in my own sense of self that lasted long into adulthood.  I still feel the pull of that at times.  Now as I’m getting older, I do think a bit more about my legacy.  Watching our numbers grow smaller as our friends and family leave or pass away puts a different light on the future.  We start to see that we, too will face that inevitable conclusion some day and that begs the question what do we do with our time?    

I worried so often about what people thought of me and learned the hard way that anything I did meant absolutely nothing—not getting chosen for the awards, not being asked to dance, being remembered as a suck up rather than top of my class, being passed over for job opportunities. That’s the other side of this: we don’t always have a say in how we are remembered or perceived by people.  Our legacy will be whatever future generations make it, some fabled story from once upon a time that either ended in triumph or disaster.  No one talks about the fact that for the majority of us we don’t live in the extremes of good or bad.  Some people may want us to live like that or may function with that belief, that but the majority of our day is spent simply BEING.  I wasted a lot of time trying to get people to see me in a certain way, and even while I’m still here that was misinterpreted. I can only imagine the future, either fading away or being remembered as nothing close to who I am.  And the truth is if we are trying to make an impact while we are here, we don’t need to move the whole mountain—the stone makes a ripple too.  Our existence is enough to make an impact now—we have no say in what happens in the future—so just live now.