As a kid I always used to try and sound or be like someone else. I wanted to sing like someone else, I wanted to dance like someone else, I wanted to look like someone else, I wanted to be someone else.  I don’t know what it was about me that so deeply and innately struggled with even liking myself.  I wanted to be accepted and I never felt accepted by those closest to me.  I always felt like I had to put on airs and prove who I was—and I was still left behind.  When all those people left and I was truly on my own, the real struggle began because I didn’t have my own voice.  I had to learn to use it again.  I had to learn what it sounded like to declare who I was/am.  I had to learn what it felt like to stop giving into people and stand my own ground.  I think that’s where the power plays came in in my life—I was so tired of people walking over me and talking over me that I became an aggressive control freak.  It took me a long time to understand the point of finding our voices: it’s to learn, acknowledge, and honor our own sound.  We find our voice like we find our own skin.  As we get comfortable with the sound, we get more comfortable in who we are.

When we find our own voices we can sing our own song.  Trying to be someone else and spending our time trying to be like someone else only inhibits who we are from showing.  We hide a lot of greatness and meany people let time slip by them being who people told them to be or simply ignoring that inner voice that guides them to who they are supposed to be.  The universe wants to hear us and all we’ve been doing is trying to copy someone else’s tone, someone else’s story.  We do it to protect ourselves so the core of who we are isn’t rejected.  But sometimes the very thing we are holding onto that we think is keeping us safe is the weight that holds us down.  It isn’t until we are drowning that we can tell what helps and what hinders us.  We need to let go of what hinders us so we can stop the struggle and swim.  When we hear that calling, we know need to do something different.  We need to trust that even if it’s different, even if it’s scary that we are meant to be where we are.  Our voices and our stories are meant to be heard.  We no longer need to hide behind anyone else or copy someone else—we can stand in our own power and focus on what makes us who we are—the things that make us great come from that voice. 

We are given unique thoughts, feelings, desires, talents, and voices so we are able to resonate with the frequency of who we are in the universe.  There is no sound like our own and even if we harmonize with others, we still have our individual patterns.  Don’t lose that and don’t forget our uniqueness because we are uncertain about whether or not our true voice will be accepted.  The universe can’t hear us if we are disguising ourselves.  Stepping into our power simply looks like sharing our sound and ideas and allowing the beat of our heart call to and respond to what is meant for us.  We struggle behind the identity we create instead of allowing who we are to flourish.  Until we learn to swim we will feel like we are drowning with the weight we thought would save us—it’s not a life raft, it’s a lead shield.  Stop trying to be someone else and simply allow who we are to shine through.  All that is meant to be will come because it has no choice but to respond to the frequency inside.  We are all worth sharing that voice.  The universe wants to hear us sing.   

For the moments when we have to find ourselves again from ground up.  For the moments we need a reminder of our strength, beauty and awesomeness.  From within shows without.  Remember who we are—uninhibited, wild, magical.

The love we have to have for ourselves needs to be immeasurable.  We need to shed, cast off the thoughts that people place in our heads, sullying the way we feel.  More than love, we specifically need to know everything that feels good to us.  The sway of our hips, the feel of our skin, the way our hair falls, they way we step, the way we stand, the way we sound, the way it feels to speak, the way it feels to be embraced and accepted, the way it feels to put on something that just fits, the way it feels to simply fit, the way it feels to sit in our own skin,  the way the music moves us—and what music moves us, the way it feels to be naked with ourselves and possibly with someone else without criticism, the way we take care of ourselves and handle ourselves, the way we believe in ourselves.  It is sacred—all of it.  We know when we treat ourselves poorly even if we don’t name it in the moment.  We know when something doesn’t feel right, when our battery is low, or when we’ve been a little extra hard on ourselves.  We know when we allow the tension to spread—even if it’s sub or unconscious—our bodies tell us everything we need to know. 

The ability to stand in our own presence and say I am fucking worth it all and if you don’t like it you can leave is the most powerful stance to take. The ability to walk away from those who do anything to cause us harm, the ability to stand up for ourselves and use our own voice.  Confidence allows us to declare without yelling who we are and what we stand for and then only accept that. It allows us to sing our own song  It allows us to shed what no longer suits us and become the greatest versions of ourselves.  Falling into those habits is all too easy when we aren’t in the right frame of mind or surrounded by the right people—confidence allows us to respectfully separate from those how don’t support us.  The love and confidence we have for ourselves stems from massive belief in who we are.  We believe in ourselves by trying new things and learning what we like and what we are capable of.  And we do all of that by shutting out the world and learning to be still with ourselves.  This cyclical pattern of finding and becoming and loving/embracing and accepting ourselves is how we evolve.      

Today I am grateful for a new perception.  We all have moments when we think we understand something and then find out it was the complete opposite.  Sometimes our perception tells us that we are doing something wrong because it doesn’t feel right.  Sometimes our perception is right on but we deny it in hopes something else comes through or because we don’t feel comfortable dealing with the situation.  But when the perception changes toward truth, or uncovering a truth we’ve know and felt, then that is the most freeing situation we can be in.  When reality changes and it’s something your gut has been telling you, you have no choice but to listen.  I’m grateful to have understood my gut.  I see those around me uncomfortable trying to maintain what they always did when the entire game has changed.  Now I make moves.  One decision changes it all, one affirmation or confirmation of belief keeps us pointed in the right direction.  See what was always there and believe it—they think they have you fooled but trust the gut.  We see it for a reason and I am deciding to play differently.

Today I am grateful for fun.  I’ve fallen deep in the pattern of taking work too seriously again.  Things have been like a chess game lately and I’ve found myself more defensive than living and it was getting to me.  It felt like everything I did was being watched, critiqued, and then cut down, that all my work has been deemed irrelevant.  It also felt like unnecessary stress was put on me just to see me crack.  I could only take so much and I lost it at home.  And then home was rough and friendships were tough… So I came home early to start the holiday weekend and I spent time singing, hanging with my son, taking care of my animals, taking care of my husband and I—and trying to reconnect after the disaster of a fight earlier in the week.  There are times we simply need human touch, to hear laughter, to find that laughter within ourselves in order to reconnect with our humanity and each other.  I know I needed to come down off of the last 12 weeks of non-stop pressure to perform.  It’s time to stop playing the game where I let people make me feel like I have to perform for them.  I have my own agenda, my own dreams, desires, my own life—and I don’t need their permission to do it.  So I let my heart sing a little and I felt better.  It’s amazing what allowing ourselves to be a little freer does for the soul and mind.  And the laughter card came out right after this. 

Today I am grateful for becoming clearer on how to blend life.  I understand how fun incorporates with being taken seriously.  Actually taking fun seriously is a good way to look at it.  When we dive in and entirely immerse ourselves in a dream or in an idea we learn the ins and outs of it and then we can seriously move forward.  If we want to be taken seriously we need to find our passion or something that moves us and we need to make moves that align with it.  When we talk about an idea it’s easy to let time slide and people see that we aren’t taking it seriously because we aren’t doing anything with it.  So when we get behind our own desires and back them with action, even if it’s something fun, we make progress.  Not that we need to prove anything, but that magnetic energy and understanding of what we stand for and our values becomes crystal clear when we act on it.  Loving what we do is important, loving who we are is more so—and supporting our own beliefs is life. 

Today I am grateful for evolving habits.  I’m working on dedicating myself to a new lifestyle every day.  I have things to learn where I’m at, there is no mistaking that, but I also know that is coming to an end.  I am moving forward and building the life I want.  The vision of what I’m working toward doesn’t include some elements of where I’m currently at.  For the things I want, the type of freedom I want, the things I want to create, I know there are facets of my habits and beliefs and training that will not work.  It’s feeling more and more uncomfortable trying to maintain those old things in the face of the new.  As I’ve spent more time in the new habits and working toward what I want, the old is feeling less and less comfortable.  I’m getting more comfortable declaring what I want and feeling what I want and then acting on it.  The more things feel uncomfortable, the easier it is to let them go.  There is no point trying to stay the same when our souls, hearts, and minds are crying for something different.  We aren’t meant to decide we are one person and do that for our entire lives—we are meant to change as we learn and to grow.  Allow it to happen. 

Today I am grateful for small steps.  I’ve had a habit/pattern in my life where I take a gargantuan leap forward and then realize it’s too much.  The support I need wasn’t able to make the same leap so I find myself alone.  I’d get distracted and go back to what I knew—and I didn’t like feeling alone on the ledge.  It’s time to understand that the leaps aren’t necessarily working—at least not to the degree I was taking them.  Small, consistent steps every day, reminding myself of what I’m doing these things for, staying on track every single day are significantly better than throwing everything away and losing our footing in something new.  Take the gradual integration of what we know and what we learn and keep taking those small steps every single day.  We can figure it out. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

This piece requires a little introduction.  These were just some thoughts I had after an argument the other night—and it struck me that we never know what is going on in someone’s head and we need to believe what they show us, who they show us they are.  It also is a reflection that we can be with someone for a really long time and things change, the dynamic of the relationship changes as we evolve.  That’s natural.  Sometimes we react in the moment or we react with fear and it isn’t how we’d normally respond and it isn’t really indicative of how we actually feel.  I know I’m guilty of that—heck, in the argument I know I was guilty of it then.  The question becomes how do we discern between what is the person’s character and what was simply a moment that we work through.  The initial quote came at a really good time because we all have forks in the road, and truly that fight felt like one of them.  I’ve hit a milestone in my life and I’m working on changing myself for the better, on letting go of what wasn’t working for me and I know those changes are difficult for those around me.  But am I going to stick with what is healthy and good for me or am I going to repeat the patterns and give up?  I’ve come too far.  

“When you come to the fork in the road, take it,” Yogi Berra.  We all have moments when we have to make decisions in life, when we reach a point where we have to decide one way or another, to continue the same path or take something new, or to let it all go and start over.  The premise of the quote is to simply move, make a decision and just go with it.  Go with what feels right.  Following our conversation yesterday about relationships and different opinions, we need to acknowledge that sometimes this is where we are at as well. If something is no longer fulfilling, if something is no longer working, we have to decide to fix it or move on.  I’m tired of working to fix myself, the relationship, and him.  There comes a time when we need to accept that the person simply will not or does not want to continue with us.  We can’t spend our time wishing or forcing someone to be who they are not.  We can appreciate the times we’ve had together, appreciate the lessons, and then understand it is time to move on.  My pride has kept me in a certain spot because I thought I was owed something for what I endured.  I thought that I was worth genuine change for the support I had offered, that I was worth what I was told he wanted.  There is only so long we can believe that someone is who they say they are without action that matches it.

Right now I’m struggling with acceptance, anger, and resentment.  I’ve sacrificed so much, I have endured so much with him—and now I have no choice in his decisions—and I’m realizing I truly never did.  I’ve taken care of nearly everything and I’ve had to do so much on my own while he has fought against me every step of the way in spite of me doing what was right for us collectively as a family—and I held on because he told me he wanted the same things I did.  I should have believed what he was doing instead of what he was saying.  It feels like my life is spinning out of control when he gets to move forward and find happiness.  I can too, it just feels so overwhelming knowing what could have been, knowing we were together all this time and he never really wanted any of it.  That he stayed with me out of guilt and still didn’t do what was needed.  That he still fell into the addictions and habits and patterns of the past and couldn’t stop himself.  To know that for the last two decades I was tolerated and not loved. 

As painful as that fork may be, or as challenging as it is to have to make a decision between options we never thought we’d have to face, we still have to decide.  Life moves on and instead of one particular outcome over another, we may have to choose happiness.  We may have to let the other person choose happiness.  We have to accept that we simply may not be cut out for each other.  In either case, no matter the decision, we have to give the other person grace and space to be who they are.  I’m learning to be myself and I know that I’ve come really far over the last 45 days.  I still have a ways to go but I know that this is a reflection of who I am.  I feel good, I feel more myself.  I hope there is space for this new person in the version of the person he is becoming because I still feel we have this power together.  I don’t know what is coming down the road, but I know as I am releasing the old and becoming the new, I need to love myself, and keep the space and grace for myself too.  I don’t have all the answers, but I know what I feel and I know no matter the outcome, I will still stand on the other side.