“I can’t see my way through.; Can you see your next step?; Yes.; Then just take that,” The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and the Horse, by Charlie Mackesy. Ironic that this particular quote found me right after talking about the clarity of passion. I approached my entire life with a certain level of timidity, afraid of ruining something to the point where I couldn’t fix it. I kind of treated it like a video game on my last life: I knew there was no going back and no do-overs. It led to fear because that meant I wanted to get it perfect on the first go around. I didn’t understand this lesson, this concept of following what felt good or interested us, of exploring curiosity like I do now. I thought those were things you did once you “made it.” I didn’t see that you could follow those things as a means to make it. I didn’t understand that sometimes you just needed to take that first step as a means to figure out the rest—I thought you needed to see each step in between, like life was entirely choreographed for us and we needed to figure out the routine. I fell very easily into routine—it felt good. And that feeling good was the trap—it was my mistake to believe that any routine was good rather than finding one that worked for me. I didn’t even know that creating my own routine was a possibility.
I initially heard this quote in the context of overthinkers the other day, but I feel like this is appropriate to finding our passion as we discussed yesterday. Sometimes all we can do is take the next step, whether we find ourselves stopped because we are confused or afraid or something hasn’t worked out. I understand the ebbs and flows of life, believe me. We all have ups and downs. It’s when we take the next step toward what feels right that we learn what feels right—as we’ve talked about many times, we become what we need to be by becoming what we need to be. We simply have to “do.” Waiting for things to happen will only leave us wanting and waiting. Taking those simple steps, even if we don’t see the end, is far more productive than doing nothing. At least with taking steps we see options. We can always turn around or take another path or even create another path if we need to. We can take a break and gather our bearings—and there are times we will have to do just that. Life isn’t always easy, we have extreme highs and lows but the majority of our time is spent on the middle ground. From there we can find the thing that sparks us and drives us to that uncontrollable emotion, and once we find that, the extraneous ignites and the entire path is clear.
Taking the next step is key in influencing the course of our lives. It’s key in creation, not just of our lives, but in the sphere of those around us and how big that sphere can be. Not every step will be perfect—there will be wrong turns that make it feel like we are at a dead end or drove off a cliff. Then there are the turns that reveal the most beautiful expanses we have ever seen, like the entire world is laid out before us and we understand how we are simultaneously so small but so big in our influence. We see our little place in this world and how important that place really is. There are no mistakes, there are no accidents, and there are no coincidences. We are exactly where we need to be, and when we are lost, all we need to do is ask ourselves what feels right, what the next right step is. We know. We always know and we just need to remind ourselves of that. We can trust that passion, that curiosity to guide us through the darkest of times. Even if we do fall off the cliff, we see we can go in another direction—or sometimes what we thought was the bottom of the hill is the start of something much greater. Let the passion guide us and show the way. The universe never steers us wrong. We always have a choice in what we do—let that choice be made of what feels right to us.
“Chase down your passion like it’s the last bus of the night,” Terri Guillemets. Passion is defined as a strong and barely controllable emotion, characterized by an intense enthusiasm, dedication, and emotional connection to their pursuits which often drives them to achieve their goals and inspires those around them; usually with respect to a particular person or thing; ardent affection (Merriam-Webster). I speak a lot about emotional control and managing our thoughts but passion is something that falls beyond that realm. When it comes to our passions, these are things we are not meant to control. These are the driving influences that bring us ever closer to who we are and to source. While I still maintain we can’t fully let emotions run the show, we do need to understand their influence and their importance in guiding us. Those things that feel good, that interest us, that create curiosity, the things we can’t stop ourselves from doing/being drawn to—that isn’t merely an emotion based off of a temporary feeling. Those are the things that make us who we are and we are 100% meant to dive into them, to lose ourselves in them because they are part of us.
I pull cards every day to begin with positive affirmations (I share these on Instagram) and today’s said “Feeling good will bring me far more than whatever I thought I needed,” deck by Gabby Bernstein. With all the talk of time and what feels right and what calls us, it is important, especially this early in the New Year, that we remind ourselves the things we enjoy and the things we can’t let go of are what drives us to where we need to be. We are meant to go after the things that feel good to us because the more we pursue them, the more we become the person who can attract them. It isn’t so much about chasing, it’s about becoming and aligning with those things that call to us. The fastest way to bring in what we need is to be what we need—become what we need, but the reality is, sometimes we don’t even know what it is we need and we won’t until we begin the journey of following that passion. Feeling good is the guidepost toward what we are passionate about and those passions become the value and foundation of our lives.
Think about the times we have been around passionate people. Think about how they speak, and act, and how they carry out their work. Their level of engagement and understanding of life and work is on a different plane—time does not exist to them—they are simply of their work all the time and they love it. Someone who becomes the master of what they love is someone who has mastery over themselves—their decisions are based on their scope of interest and how it impacts the world. When we are passionate it goes beyond ourselves. Just as a bad attitude is contagious but so is feeling good. We influence our own lives and those around us so why would we want to or allow a negative influence of any kind to seep through? It’s important on so many levels to follow those passions and not let them fade away through ignoring them. It isn’t so much about the chase rather than the following of curiosity and being authentic with our interests and desires and our drive.
The truth is passion is as important as catching that last bus with one caveat: I don’t think our passion ever really leaves us—I don’t think there is a last bus. I do think we need to take it that seriously because the more we ignore the passion, the more we will struggle to know ourselves and in that struggle we become miserable. It’s a funny trick of the universe that the things we feel uncontrollable about or bring us to the brink of madness are the very things that can bring control to our lives. They give us purpose and direction. When it comes to time, I will continue this refrain: we never know how much time we have so there is no reason to not go after what we want whole-heartedly, to not find our desires and to try them out, to see what works. What’s the worst that can happen? We find it doesn’t work and we need to try something else. That is an easier cost than regret and wishing we had done something differently. Don’t be afraid of that passion, be curious. Pursue it. Those things that start off as feeling good, give them a shot and see what comes of it. They can be the very things that reveal the greatest things about ourselves and what we can contribute to the world.
Time has been on my mind a lot lately. Time spent with family over the holidays showed me how precious time really is. It amazes me how so many things feel the same but everything is different or how we have done the same things for ages but it isn’t the same anymore. How things can change because of how they feel and how the reality around us can feel so different than what we see. The absence of those we love at this incredible time of year, the opportunity to say what we want to say gone forever, the guilt and weight of things left unsaid so heavy, the weight feels like it will crush us. The things we still can’t say—my Aunt’s cat sitting on my lap as I type this, reminding me heavily of how important our choices are. Wishing I had reached out sooner, that I had put aside my fear of her sadness and just said I wish it had been different, that I had offered to move forward together. That we had put aside all resentment and acknowledged she didn’t deserve to isolate like that, letting her time slip away. I’ve always feared time, it’s something I’ve repeated so many times, I’m sure it’s exhausting, but I’ve been so painfully aware of the “clock” and that countdown my entire life that it feels oppressive, and I share this, trying to reconcile that fear. There are pieces of those we love that remain—I have remnants from both of my grandmothers, from both of my Aunts, from our lineage from both my mother and father. I fear the time I spend doing things I don’t want to do. I fear time spent doing what I want to do because I am stuck in a different era in my mind. And that is the funny thing of time, the two facets—what is here and what is in my mind.
We have this image of time as it is and of time as we think it is. There is an image of Time itself, tiring and slowing while TIME relentlessly marches on. The weight of the natural thing, heavy but unyielding, unstoppable. We can’t change TIME. We can merely change who we are through time. Who we will be, not who we were. So let the weary version slow and rest. While part of us stops and rests in that beat, while TIME moves on, we see life move around us and we SEE all that has been and will be in that moment. We aren’t meant to stop time, we are OF time, IN time, OUR time. Two bits of time existing simultaneously, the TIME in the natural world and our time, frozen, perpetual, limitless. There is nothing to fear of the beats and ticks, of the clocks we built. We didn’t fear time until the machine started reminding us of the moments, counting the breaths for us instead of measuring them. We let the machine keep track of our life instead of nature, waiting for the right moments as told by someone else instead of remembering the ever-present NOW. When we were bonded to our nature, before we were bonded to man’s word. We were never meant to fear or count time, we were meant to live in time. OUR time. THIS time. Now. While we know the clock still ticks, we must KNOW and remember. The clock never existed. It still doesn’t. Time is told by suns and moons, and stars and breath and winds and rain and cold and heat and tides. We pretend we are in control of time with alarms and clocks and calendars and devices that tell us where and what to be and when, but time is to be felt and lived and experienced and loved. Measured with heartbeats and laughter and tears and joy and hope and even pain. So we always remember we are master of nothing but how we feel. We never know when the CLOCK runs out, but we always know the end/beginning is near. It doesn’t matter what TIME it is, it matters how we feel in time. What we do with it.
So I speak of time, and the distinction between the natural clock and man’s clock is important. The universal clock is always ticking and, yes, we are on its countdown. There is an inevitable end for all of us and we do not know when that is—we will never be able to stop that. That is the time most of us fear. The unknown dictates the most important thing for us: our existence. There is something beautiful to that natural clock in spite of the morbid fact that it is limited. Our clock is innate and knows what to do, and it always runs on time. Its timing is perfect and divine and always runs exactly as it is supposed to. If we live in alignment with that purpose, with that idea, that we are where we are meant to be and when, there is nothing to fear. We live and we love and we believe. Man’s clock is something else entirely. I’m sure none of us would deny the utility of a mechanism allowing us to arrange for coordinated interaction that we don’t miss and that allows for better communication and connection. But we have put man’s clock above the universal clock in ways that don’t align with the natural order. Who says we have to be married and own a home with 2 children by the time we are 30? I know people that just started a second marriage at 42 and had their first kid at 44. Man puts this idea out there that his timing is superior and he knows better when things are supposed to happen. The universe will either agree or it will laugh at us. We only have the power to let things be and we can guide our thoughts and actions towards the greater purpose. We have no choice but to go with it otherwise we fight something that will not change.
I do not take my time for granted. I know I wasted too much of it already thinking things needed to look a certain way or I needed permission and had to make sure that my actions wouldn’t interfere with anyone else’s goals. I finally understood that my ideas have merit and no one can give that value. It is more important to live in flow than try to control flow. Living in two worlds, with two definitions of time is scary and challenging. We often have to go against the grain of what we are told to do in society and we are highly influenced by what other people think so doing our own thing is intimidating. But once we settle into the concept that we truly only have one go around, we can’t get back what we lost, and that we are meant to make something of ourselves that matters to us, then we are better able to transition into the flow of our own clocks and follow the natural rhythm set for us. It’s easier to grasp that not everyone operates on the same time and that is OK. Our journeys will always cross and separate, the ebb and flow of life brining us where we need to be with the right people when it is meant to happen. We find each other and we separate and we find each other again. The most important thing is to find our own path and our own rhythm and then the other time, man’s time, becomes irrelevant because we know we are aligned with what is meant for us and we trust that nothing will derail us from where we are meant to be, what we are meant to have, and the purpose we are meant to fulfill.
Today I am grateful for perspective. I thought I always had to be serious to be taken seriously—as if being taken seriously was the goal. Years of insecurity plagued me in relation to how I looked and ideas I had that were never allowed or fully expressed because people assumed I was younger, that I couldn’t possibly understand the big picture. Or that I was somehow to delicate. I ventured on a decades long quest to validate myself through proving what I knew and what I was capable of, how strong I was, what I could do on my own. All that did was leave me exhausted and frustrated and yearning for more. Recently I learned something about life: it doesn’t need to be taken seriously. The only thing we need to remember is we live in the natural laws of the world and anything that comes outside of that, any conditions man puts on us are that of man. We are fallible creatures and we are allowed to change our minds and make adjustments when things go wrong. We don’t need to be validated for anything. And we don’t need to take everything as a life or death situation. I’ve met some new people who have shown me that we can take our business seriously, how we interact, and how we care for others can take top priority—but we don’t need to take ourselves seriously. If we put too much stock in how we look and what we accomplish, we lose sight of our functionality and what our talents can bring to the world. We miss connection and fun and creativity and joy. It doesn’t matter how seriously people take us-we are worthy exactly as we are and we will find much more value and joy in our lives if we learn to enjoy them. Life is short, we must do what we find joy in and that becomes a source.
Today I am grateful for recognition. This isn’t usually one that I feel much gratitude for because even though I like being acknowledged for my accomplishments, I often feel funny about it. I’ve had a particularly difficult client at work the last two weeks. The most challenging part is that the issue this woman was having legitimately wasn’t with our company—this wasn’t something we could help her with on any level as the billing was done outside with a company we have no access to. Regardless, it turned into hours of my time and my employee’s time and a lot of frustration as we repeated the resolution over and over again and new issues continued to raise as it was evident the thought spirals were getting out of control. I came to find out that this patient had also approached administration and wanted to speak with our president—like she walked directly into their office without an appointment demanding to be seen. As I was dealing with the last phone contact from this woman, I saw a call come in from someone I knew was in administration. It turned out that this was the woman who the patient had ambushed trying to see our president. The admin called me to thank me for all of my work with this patient and to commend my team and I for dealing with a really difficult situation. I had been so incredibly frustrated with this patient that I was on the verge of quitting my job in all seriousness and the last think I thought I wanted was any form of recognition on the matter. But hearing those words thanking me for my work actually did mean something to me. I can’t say that it erased all feelings of anger and concern, but it made me feel better knowing that my best was absolutely good enough and that I knew enough of my work here over the years that I made the right choices with this patient. It felt good to feel like I was in the right place for a moment, doing the right thing. Sometimes that’s all we need—a little reminder we are doing the right thing.
Today I am grateful for remembering fun and flow. I didn’t talk much about my New Year’s Eve this past week but I want to share a few key reminders I learned that night as we rolled in 2025. We had no plans for that evening because it was the middle of the week and my husband had to work on New Year’s Day but I received a text as I was finishing up my work inviting us out that evening for a last minute get together with some new friends. We decided to accept and we went there for dinner and ended up staying until nearly 3AM. We ate and drank and sang and played putt-putt and we told stories and laughed and had an amazing time. I found myself in awe a few times as these people discussed their business and their standards became clear to me: it’s perfectly acceptable to go for what we want and to say no if that isn’t what we really want. We must embrace life by saying yes to what we actually want instead of always trying to make things work. And we should never be embarrassed for the things we want in our lives, we aren’t proving anything to anyone else. We are meant to enjoy life. As I said above, we don’t need to take ourselves seriously, we should take our business and our purpose seriously but the rest, how we get there is all a game. So when we get those last minute invites, when we have that feeling that something sounds fun, we should dust off and go with it. Say yes to what we want in life and enjoy it and be grateful.
Today I am grateful for life. We celebrated our son’s birthday this past Friday and seeing him grow is a gift. As a parent there are times I wish I could pause and just stay where we are and life in that moment forever. As much as his birthday (and any birthday) is about celebrating the emergence of life into the world, I celebrate my birth as a mother that day. I remember the before and after, finding out I was pregnant, the surreal nature of feeling a new life, the struggle I faced during that pregnancy, and then his arrival. That unreal moment when we were no longer connected but still so incredibly entwined with each other. Now I think of the time passed since that moment and it feels like a dream. I think of the person he is now, how smart, how independent, how impulsive, how like me, how like his father, he is. How I want to give him all I can and how much he means to me. How he will never understand the depth of what he means to me. When we become parents, we see life differently. We value aspects differently, often we see how we value another’s life more than our own. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for that child that would improve his chances of a good life. My hope is a fulfilled, long, healthy, happy, and abundant life filled with adventure, purpose, joy, peace, excitement, faith, and follow through on his dreams. My hope is to witness all that I can with him, to be present.
Today I am grateful for connection and understanding. This is a different one for me—not the gratitude for connection and understanding but the reason behind it. I’ve become more in-tune with my instincts over the last few months and I know I am on the right path for several pursuits I have at this time. 2024 saw a lot of in-between and uncertain moments but that taught me to make choices and in making those choices I got more comfortable with who I am and what felt right. I am one of those people who follows signs and believes they are there to guide us as long as we interpret them correctly—and if we do interpret them, we will receive more signs and so on and so on. I’ve always had a connection with cats and I was devastated after the loss of my Maine Coon back in August. Near immediately after losing him, two additional cats came into my life—one a local stray and the other my Aunt’s cat. The stray had been roaming around us for a few months and we had decided to start letting him in because the only reason we kept him out in the first place was because Loki was sick. The integration started off rough with our last remaining cat but they slowly started connecting. The stray is incredibly friendly and affectionate so I knew it wouldn’t take long for them to become friends—our last cat had been wanting a more active playmate anyway. Then we suddenly lost my aunt and we found ourselves with another cat—this one very different than the stray as he was incredibly timid and nervous and had just undergone his own trauma. I really didn’t know how I was going to integrate these animals at first, but I did it. All of my cats follow me like a real pride and I am honestly weirdly proud of it. They are connected to me because I understand them. I think they came into my life, two totally opposite little souls because I needed to break the fixation on the hurt of my loss. Animals are a gift and I am so grateful to connect with them. They make my heart feel better, and it’s another way to get out of my head.
“The audacity of these weirdos to think you’ll sit around mourning them. I’m focused on vibrating higher so I never experience this kind of foolery again,” Oasis of Serenity. A short reminder that the things not meant for us apply to people too. The storms we talked about yesterday will take out those who aren’t meant for us as well. Those who hold conditions on our friendship, on our time. Those who fail to support us when we need them, those who choose to misunderstand, those who never listened in the first place. Why should we mourn those who merely wanted us to fit into their game in the first place? Those who thought we were merely there for their entertainment or to achieve their goals? Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us how to be better and some come in to teach us we deserve better. It can be a tricky, slippery slope sometimes, thinking we know someone’s thoughts and feelings-we need to know our own. It’s only then we learn to appreciate who we are and the magic we create. We only have control over ourselves and we have every reason to say we will not tolerate certain things again, that we aspire for more, that we feel more than those around us would allow. And then we realize they weren’t the ones to allow anything, anyway. We allow and we decide and we live our lives. Choose to let go because in letting go, we will achieve the highest frequency we can imagine.
I was raised to be polite—and there is always room for politeness, there is validity in being kind. There is no place for allowing someone to dictate your life or place conditions on friendship. That isn’t friendship—the relationship that says we are fine as long as you do what I say and make me feel how I need to feel and if we do what I want to do. The loss of a relationship like that isn’t something to mourn. There are people who cause the storms in our lives because they don’t know how to weather their own or they would rather be the savior in someone else’s storm. But causing destruction to be the savior isn’t truly saving anyone. And we aren’t meant to save each other from anything. We help, we support, we uplift, we care—but we aren’t here to dictate how people live, or to create drama to validate our worth, or exist on this codependent plane where we fear life without someone. It isn’t our job to fuel a false sense of power in someone by allowing them to call the shots in our lives. As we close out these first few days of 2025, remember the power we share, the power that is unique to us, and the power we create. If we find someone feels they are the source in our lives, then we need to remind them that we are our own source and our worth is determined by no one. We know who we are, we move forward, we move up, we find peace and we live in patience and gratitude and we know who we are. Know our worth.
“If it can’t weather the storm with you, it’s not for you. Storms pass and when you look around you see that some things won’t be there after the storm. That hurts but that’s also, it could be a blessing in disguise. What’s happening is these things are happening around you, all of this is conspiring in your favor, you just have to learn to let go what is not of you. You have to learn to let the storm do its work. That’s why storms are so important in our lives. It’s just a different perspective, a reframe on storms, chaos. See it through that lens. Let’s have hope. You’re strong. Storms got nothing on you but it will take out what isn’t for you which may hurt a little bit but it’s what’s meant to be,” JB Copeland. This is another reminder to let go what we are trying to make work in our lives. Those things we think we need, the constant reminders, the stories we tell ourselves—if they are trying to leave, let them. While we may define ourselves by that narrative (or any narrative) if it isn’t telling the truth, then it no longer wants us to attach to it. We need to leave it there.
So many of us are taught that storms are meant to break us and that if we weather it and we come through relatively unscathed, we have succeeded. They feel the point is to beat the storm. Not many discuss the cleansing of a storm. We know rains bring sustenance to the Earth and help the plants grow, we know that water that falls from the sky gives life. So why do we deny the storms in our lives? Why do we not trust that this temporary downpour, these moments of hurt or whatever it may be, are there to tend healthier soil for us to grow from? When we let the excess wash away, we are left with what is necessary. Sometimes all we need is what’s necessary. We spend so much time battening down the hatches, preparing for any scenario that we don’t realize how we are burdened with the fears of what we may lose. Sometimes we need to lose what we don’t need to appreciate and understand what we have. We need to lose it so we use what we do need to the fullest. Not everything is meant to last forever, as much as we wish it could. Eternal only exists in the mind and spirit, not necessarily in the physical.
So when storms hit, instead of fearing what we are losing, appreciate what we have and what we are learning. Know we will not be left empty even if our hands are barren and weak, even if the prospects seem bleak. Strength isn’t about not breaking, it’s about bending. It’s about getting creative, telling a new story, understanding in a new way. Strength is understanding that there may be something we didn’t see happening and the washing of the weather is meant to take away that ick we don’t see. It can hurt, as Copeland says, it can hurt to lose something we’ve attached to, but it hurts more to hang on to something we need to release. We aren’t meant to stay in one place, meant to carry all things, meant to hold everything of every experience we’ve had all at once. We need to let go. We need to embrace the idea that we are part of something so much bigger and we don’t need to direct the sea, just our ship in it. Let the storms come and go, let them cleanse our soul. Let the hurt wash over and away. It all fades and we see a new day and are left with exactly what we need, a little more flexible, a little wiser, and able to weather whatever comes our way.
“Start paying attention to how your life feels to you, not how it looks to others,” Emma Davis. This is a perfect goal for moving into the New Year. In a society obsessed with how things look and wanting to control how we appear to others, our first concern is often how things appear to others. We spend more time and energy trying to manipulate how people view us, how we appear to them than we do getting in touch with how we feel about our lives. Often times the things that look good don’t feel good to us but we convince ourselves they are still good because they look good. The more we distract ourselves, the more it seems normal to go for the things other people want—and some of those things are cool, no lie. As we move forward, as we see the things that weren’t working before, we need to ask ourselves how we can make them work now and what we need to work in our lives. I’m not suggesting we continue to try and make things work that have no business in our lives, I’m saying we need to take the time to find space for those things that feel right and spend more time doing those things. Speaking from personal experience, when something feels right, it fits.
I got myself in the habit of finding what felt right and doing it for a bit and then stopping. I never knew why I stopped but I think it has to do more with the old habits being more familiar than what I wanted to do. We need to give new things enough time to become familiar and become routine, part of who we are before we stop them. This year needs to be about space and grace and getting in touch with those parts of us that show us who we really are and allow us to strip away what doesn’t serve—what isn’t part of who we are but what we adopted as part of who we thought we were or what we thought people wanted to see. The answers are always within how we feel. The human instinct, intuition, are always present within us. We just have to be aware of what our body is telling us. Let’s take a silly example. I’m a fan of a particular series that I know another person close to me enjoys as well. I feed into it and I have never hidden the obsession—it’s fun, it’s truly harmless, and it’s inspiring. This person enjoys it but restrains themselves and while we were together the other day, I offered them an extra of one of the items I have—and they were hesitant at first, but the more they looked at it, they decided they wanted it. When we are honest about how we feel, then we allow what we love and what is meant for us into our lives.
While that latter point was a small example, the principle is the same: the more we allow what we enjoy, the more we enjoy. If something that small, honoring and being honest with what we enjoy brings about such positive results, imagine what happens when we do it with our careers, with where we live, with who we allow in our lives. We align with a different frequency when we do what feels right. When we do what looks right, we remove ourselves from what actually is right for us. The more we practice doing what feels right, our life starts to look how we want it to. We learn it doesn’t matter what it looks like as long as we understand what we are trying to accomplish and we enjoy how it feels. Joy, the act of enjoying, having fun, and being aligned with who we are is a priceless feeling. The possibilities that alignment open, are endless. So rather than worry about creating an image, lean into what feels right and simply be who we are and do what feels right to us. Learn to listen to our intuition, attract the life we are meant to have by being who we were always meant to be. That is the greatest feeling in the world.
I welcome this time and these changes and this new beginning. I am grateful to begin again and to accept the healing that comes from leaving the past behind. There is excitement here, on this new day, this New Year as there is always an anticipation of what is to come. There is also a calm certainty and acceptance here—I know this isn’t a light switch where one day I am someone and the next day I am someone else. There is work to continue to shed who I previously defined myself as so I can become the fullest version of who I am. I start this day at home, settling in the new habits toward the life I want, the life that fits me so much better than what I’ve been trying to force myself to fit into. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared or unsure of what’s to come, especially because this is a deeper dive into my resolve to not be who I was. I still am learning who this person is but I’m no longer merely wearing the persona as a coat—I’m here, fully showing up in who I am, fully committed and doing what I need to.
I’m grateful for the opportunities I have and I am grateful to be given another chance—I am grateful we all have another chance to be who we are meant to be. That didn’t require waiting for a New Year, we can change every day—sometimes multiple times in a day and sometimes we do just that. I am grateful to understand the power I have (we have) to set our course and be who we are meant to be. Once we let go of the fear of what other people think and the presumption we need to be who other people say we are or that we need to live up to someone else’s obligation before committing to ourselves, we are entirely free to develop the understanding of who we are and what we are capable of—and what we can do with that power/those talents.
I’m hopeful for things to turn out how they are meant to with commitment and patience and I trust I am able to withstand any curveballs this world throws at me. I’m hopeful that I will understand that even if I don’t fully understand the things that happen and what’s coming my way that it will make sense in due time. I’m hopeful a new, positive reality will settle over everyone where we will find a different level of peace so we can work together toward a positive, healthy existence for all. I’m hopeful what doesn’t work will be left behind and that we will find a way to promote the greater good over power. That we will understand our power supersedes the power we are told others have over us and that we will no longer allow the system to dictate what we do.
I trust my ability to fly rather than the branch to merely support me. I trust that I can weather the storm and navigate anything that comes my way. I trust that I am guided to do just that and that I will understand the signs with the utmost clarity. I trust that I will take the actions that feel right even if they don’t make sense at the time. I will remember that I am stronger than I think and I have survived everything else up until now. I trust the support I need will be there whenever I feel down or weak as long as I ask for it. I trust that even if I feel weak, I will be able to continue and no one will judge me. The people that matter will be there for me. And even if I feel weak, I can still be a backbone for others. The right people support me no matter what I’m going through—they guide me when I’m being wrong and help me keep level in what I need to do and not let emotions control or dictate my actions.
I believe my values and beliefs will set the tone for what I need to do. I believe that being honest, authentic, vulnerable, real, direct, and aware will take me farther than trying to tailor myself to every single situation and being the person everyone wants me to be. There is only one of me and I am not meant to be anyone other than me. I will no longer lose myself in trying to appeal to others and I will do what feels right for me even if it’s uncomfortable at first. I know right and wrong and I know that I can trust my instincts. I also know that I don’t need to keep my armor up all the time and that I can take the time to get to know someone before deciding they aren’t right for me but I will absolutely follow my gut. I will lean more on faith so I am always connected to my inner guidance and intuition.
I will love with all of my heart, every day—especially those closest to me. I do not take for granted that the time we have is short—as they say the days are long but the years are short. I am not going to continue to blink and find another year gone. This moment is special, this time is special and I will focus on the priority in the moment rather than the fear of what someone thinks or that I should be doing what someone else thinks. To love is a gift, and we have all been hurt, but I will dive into the depths of whatever kind of love it may be and I will be grateful to feel it, even if there are days it drags me under, even if I need to force myself to put a toe in again. I’d rather feel it all than be indifferent to my life. This isn’t a game and I don’t want to be numb because of the hurt or the perceived hurt. I want to experience it all, trusting it will all be ok. I want to love who I am with all of my heart as well, taking in every precious moment and exploring the possibilities of my creativity, of what I feel. I am enough.
Move forward in power, friends. Have hope and strength and joy, and revel in this miraculous time we have here. Be present, be hopeful, be honest. This year is what we make it so believe in where we are at and where we are going and we will always be guided. Happy New Year.
I started this year with the Eagle, and as I look outside there is a hawk in my yard. The messenger of the winds of change is here and I feel the change. More importantly I am ready to embrace it. If this is the life I am meant to have then I need to dive into it. I can’t allow other influences to derail me for the sake of what I feel others want me to do—their version of the “right” thing. I need to do what is right for the person I’m becoming and if I’m leaving behind habits, then the habit of people pleasing and doing what is right for everyone else needs to be left behind as well. I had every intention of taking 2024 by storm and I 100% built character, resolve, understanding, fortitude, and clarity. I didn’t get as far as I wanted or as far as I thought I could but given the nature of what happened, I can’t be disappointed with where I’m at because it took a lot to get here. If I look at the trajectory of the year, I went from dead ass focused and determined to lost, to unsure what my life would even look like, to not knowing if I could make a choice and then not knowing if I could see it through. Then I went back to focused and understanding I couldn’t let the emotion of the situation determine what happened next. Now the goal is more specific clarity for the goal, defining timelines, defining a plan to get there, commitment to the work and life I want to have. This year has been a testament to the fact that things can change quickly and we have to face fears, some of them we never thought we would, some we know are coming and we have to deal with the reality of it.
If the goal is to let go and leave behind what was here and what came before it, the commitment is about letting go of habits and starting now. Don’t worry about time, don’t worry about what any other fucking thing requires because all of that can fall apart and change in the blink of an eye. The opposite is also true in that all of it can come together just as quickly. The universe is testing me right now to see if I am strong enough to be who I am meant to be, if I want the things I say I do and whether or not I will follow through. Believe me, I do want them. I feel it. I taste it. I’m ready for it. The hawk came at the right time, telling me that what I have been promised is coming as long as I fulfill my part. Be me. finally, and completely, embrace me. I use these phrases over and over again because I feel like I’m at that point where I’ve been able to do just that, embrace who I am and love who I am—and be strong enough to let go of who I was. Death is never easy and becoming someone new, even someone we wanted to be, means letting the old version die. It’s a challenging reconciliation in the mind because we wouldn’t be here without the actions that previous version of ourselves took. But if we want to get somewhere else, we need to become the person who can get there.
I can’t say the year wasn’t prosperous or progressive in some ways—I made a lot of progress on my book and other personal projects and I’ve had to adapt in certain areas of my life and relationships. I’ve learned about the people I can trust and who I want around me. I’ve learned who I am and what I will tolerate and I’m working on the boundaries. I can’t sit here on the precipice of a new year, 2025, and think I have it all figured out, that my mapping and planning is going to be exactly how I want it to be. Life doesn’t work like that and this past year has shown me that. I spent so much of this past year in the unknown. I began 2024 with the highest of hopes—my spirit animal on my annual New Year’s walk was an Eagle for Christ’s sake. I know that I don’t want to continue the same patterns in my life, hoping, starting, stopping, fearing, crying, losing, trying only to get confused and not work toward anything. I’m choosing a focus for this next year and that is follow through and completion. When we complete something we can begin the next steps toward what we want. All of these pieces of my life that have open ends need to be tied or cut. The past needs to be put to rest. I want to move forward with my health and creativity and build the life that I love with the people who matter the most to me and who value me back. I want to move forward with belief, love, and peace. Believe in myself, love for myself, and peace within. The Eagle showed me what I was capable of and the year made me wait to see if I could sustain. Now the Hawk is telling me there are the last few steps to take before I can really take off. 2025. It’s here.
Life hits with some majorly unexpected curveballs sometimes and I’ve got some things that need to be let go of, released, and buried before moving forward with anything in my life. Often we don’t realize the actual weight of what we carry with us. Fear, regret, anger, pain—all of these things no matter the cause are incredibly heavy. Each small pebble thrown on over the years, individually seems harmless, mere ounces. But when we add it up over time, we are dealing with tons of baggage and emotions tied to it. I’ve thought about certain events in my life for years. The pain, the anger, the frustration, the feeling of absolute helplessness at being put in situations I felt I had no way out of. The hurt of what the closest people did to me without a second thought or barely a sign of remorse—and this is not a victim thing, these are actual verifiable events of what was done to me. I think about how much of that was due to miscommunication and misunderstanding and how much of it was the reality of the person’s feelings at the time. And I realize that too, the constant gymnastics of trying to make sense of someone else’s thought patterns and their resulting actions, is heavy and exhausting—we can never know what was really going through someone’s mind—we have to take their word and we either trust or we don’t. So this is about the act of truly leaving behind what no longer serves. If we are ever to move on in a healthy and productive way, we have to navigate the tricky realm of honoring what we feel and simultaneously NOT assigning value to it. Not to say our feelings mean nothing, but we don’t allow the feeling to determine or justify our actions. When we decide to forgive an act, that act doesn’t go away but the thought pattern and emotion tied to it become null and void. Forgiveness is the detachment of our emotion from the event—we don’t forget what happened but we don’t allow it to determine how we feel. IE, one bad action doesn’t negate a lifetime of positive. We move on.
While I was always able to move forward, moving on has been a challenge for me—this entire time. I have a gift where my mind is a steel trap for specific events, even more so for high-emotion, high-stress, high-impact events. Certain events felt devastating to me for decades and I’ve finally managed to put them down to a dull ache where most days they aren’t consuming me anymore. The desire for the truth never went away, but I got to a point where I didn’t obsess over needing to know—I have other things to do and I knew that if I spent my time fixated on the past (which is quickly becoming the DISTANT past), then I would have to accept not knowing—and accept my decision to stay. Then, after a beautiful holiday spent warmly with love and affection (probably more so than any other holiday we’ve had together), time spent with family and enjoying each other’s company, without any warning, a specific event from over two decades ago was brought up from another person’s perspective. This event gutted me at the time and I’ve struggled all that time to reconcile what was done with the pain of it without an apology, and it wracked my brain with near obsessive repetition for many, many years. If I think about it too long it still makes my heart drop. And now, out of nowhere this person has the audacity to talk to me about their feelings and concerns and how hurt they were at the time when they were the ones who perpetrated the entire event—and now they talk about their pain related to my actions in the situation. This was never something I thought I would have to defend myself about because I was NOT in the wrong on any level–this was a very black and white, action/reaction, decision/consequence moment. Throw in this person NEVER acknowledged any degree of hurt or frustration in this before—quite frankly they acted near entitled for committing the act in the first place—and I’ve borne the weight of it alone and confused, wondering what I did to cause it when there was NOTHING to garner what happened. Now I’m expected to evaluate MY actions in this? Actions that resulted from what this person did to me?
I felt entirely suffocated in that moment. First, I was hearing new information related to this moment for the first time in over two decades. I’d spent all that time with one version (or a partial version) of what happened and now information was suddenly being disclosed, information that solidified even further it had nothing to do with me—it had to do with a third party’s feelings towards me and the “perpetrator’s” inability to step up. When you have a specific version of events or you’ve had to piece together what happened and now it’s a different story, that’s a lot. Second, I was being asked to essentially defend myself for things that were only speculation, half-truths. Third, this couldn’t have been more left-field, especially hearing the hurt this person felt at the time. I don’t feel I need to justify anything and my conscience is clean in that there was no malice in what I did—I just didn’t care how the “perpetrator” felt any longer and did what felt right for me. Lastly, questions of the last two decades like who we are together and do we love each other or because we thought the other person wanted it, are my feelings stronger than this person’s, and how DID we come back together, all insecurity came flooding through. Suddenly it felt like all this time was a lie or wasted. And I don’t want to waste anymore time in my life—and I want the truth, not necessarily about what happened, but about what we are doing together and how we are actually going to move on. In order to truly move on, we need to either hash it out entirely or bury it before it buries us.
Now, as it pertains to more recent events, I’ve shared before that this past year wasn’t an entire dumpster fire by any means—my husband and I had some fantastic moments in making strides together as a couple, in progress with our business, and I’ve made a ton of progress with my health. That isn’t to say this hasn’t been a difficult year. Truthfully, this was the most time I’ve ever spent in limbo. It felt like a majority of my time was waiting for an answer of some kind or other whether it was personally or professionally or related to someone close to me. The wait is difficult enough without the added pressure of it being a life or death or life-altering situation. Then there were the absolute left-field moments of unexpected loss and the realization that we never know how much time we have and we need to more carefully decide how we want to live, what we want to do, what we want to carry. Even for things outside of my relationships, things related to work and my future and a path forward, what do I want to take with me? Because I’m feeling the weight of all of those pebbles and I can barely drag the bag anymore let alone carry it. I’ve carried it all this time as a mark of what I’ve done and what I’ve been through, as some history that would prove or justify my worth and decisions. I’ve carried it in hopes of changing the event (which I know I can’t) or changing how I feel about it (which I am rarely successful at). I’ve carried other people’s feelings about this as well, thinking if I bore the burden they would finally appreciate me. They’ve only asked me to carry more. On the precipice of a new calendar year, hearing other people’s goals, I add my own: I’m putting down all the crap and deciding what works for me. I don’t have time to deal with the left-field random crap that comes from my brain or others—to really move on, that habit needs to die. And with it, so does the habit of rehashing those moments. So for 2025, it’s letting go. It doesn’t work, it serves no purpose, it stays here and goes no further. This isn’t closing a chapter, this is closing a book and leaving it where it is. I was always afraid of forgetting but I never asked what I got out of remembering. I don’t want to forget all of it, but I don’t need to feel it again. So, I am grateful for my progress, for my life, for my future, my goals—and I am ready to say goodbye to what I thought I knew for what I want to know. It’s time to move on.
The Intentional Dreamer 