Some people say they want to be saved but they don’t want to change. We can’t be saved without changing…something. We’ve all seen the stories of heroes rushing in to save the day, beating all odds at the last minute. We’ve heard the fairy tales of the princes rescuing the fair maidens and changing their lives. They so often don’t talk about the AFTER. How long did that last? Because when we have a whole new life to work with, we have to make some changes to maintain it. Some people say they want to change but they sit and wait for that prince to come rescue them—we have to be our own savior even if we need a little help sometimes. Saving ourselves means making a change. If something isn’t working in our current circumstances, then repeating them thinking things will change is pointless. There comes a point when we are responsible for the outcome and that is based not only on what we choose, but on what we do. This is why when we make resolutions or promises tied to something outside of ourselves, something arbitrary like how we look, that change won’t last. First, we need to MAKE the effort, and then we need to tie our effort to how we feel.
Look, change is work no matter how we look at it. Sometimes it’s easier than others, but the bottom line is there has to be some effort to accommodate the new work we’re doing and the new life we’re trying to live whether it’s taking a class, starting a new job, a willingness to be vulnerable in learning, or being honest and taking a stand. Only that work will make the shift we are looking for. And I love Fairy Tales as much as the next girl but there is no prince coming to save any of us. We have to do the work. And here’s the other thing some people need to learn to accept: we don’t necessarily need saving, we may ONLY need to change. Change, while scary, may be the only thing required to shift us from where we are to where we want to go. One shift in habit may be the key to unlocking an entirely new world. One choice in favor of what you want to do can turn everything around. One moment of restraint in our words can demonstrate the power we never thought we had. One breath of hope can be the fuel we need to keep going. Not one of those things came from someone else—we are ultimately the heroes of our stories and we don’t have to wait to be saved. We don’t need to be saved—we need to be savvy and to remember who we are.
This is a reminder of the power each one of us has in our lives. Sitting around waiting for something to magically put us where we belong, hoping that our suffering is going to awaken some sort of urge in others, or constantly choosing to repeat the same detrimental patterns thinking someone else will change are surefire ways to let all that power go. I want to reiterate that there are obviously times we will need help or we may need motivation from someone to get started—but no one will do the work for us. There comes a point where we need to take responsibility and accept our choices—and accept the fact that we are here because of our choices. That means we have the ability to choose again and we get to start over. We get to remember how we feel and what we want and what we are capable of and we can make the shifts necessary to either get back on track or shift. No one will do that for us. There’s a saying I shared years ago about how if we don’t like where we are, move, because we aren’t trees. I learned at that time that there ARE in fact some trees that move. So the lesson is NOTHING stays the same forever (even if we don’t get to witness it) so if we need to make a change, don’t wait for someone to change for us or for someone to hand us what we want: go for it. We HAVE the power and gifts, we just need to DO something with them.
“If you miss me, just remember I’m as far as you pushed me. You didn’t lose me in one moment, you lost me daily,” Jay Douglas. We can only do so much to maintain relationships. We need to recognize when the effort is simply not worth it when it isn’t reciprocated. Relationships aren’t always 50/50—some days we need it to be 70/30 or even 90/10—but for the people who never respond or are all too comfortable taking 100, or they’re only around when they need something, that puts us at the point where we need to walk away. It isn’t selfish, it’s self-preservation. It isn’t our responsibility to mend relationships with people who have no interest in being a partner to us. It’s ok to set the boundary without guilt and it’s ok to acknowledge that some people aren’t our people. What we allow is what enters our lives, no one will protect or respect that boundary unless we create and enforce it. I’m not saying we need to build a fortress, we just need to know our limits. Also remember that what we resist persists—like, pushing people to be who we think they are will never work. If we constantly try to make that person be who we want them to be, the further they will push away from us. We have to accept people are who they show us they are.
I’ve heard from a few people lately that they miss me while my door has been open the entire time. I’ve seen them walk past, pretending they couldn’t see it or that they couldn’t hear me responding to them. I’ve reached out to these same people asking for connection to hear nothing in return. Yet when we are in situations where we have no choice but to be with each other, suddenly they miss me. It’s funny that the entire time the way was open and I’d gone more than half way and you weren’t there. Seems like missing someone would warrant making a little effort. Relationships don’t break down overnight and they don’t disintegrate because of one person, either. No relationship is effortless, but they also don’t require one person to exhaust themselves or lose themselves in accommodating the other. Our lives aren’t meant to be spent pleasing others and folding ourselves into little boxes to make people accept us. So when it comes to missing people, if that relationship is worth it, then we make the effort to miss them less by reaching out, extending the hand to make sure they know we are there. I had to get over feeling like I was intruding on those I loved when I wanted to speak with them. If I wanted contact, I needed to pick up the phone—so I know it works and that’s why I was always cognizant of keeping myself open for communication.
We are not obligated to blur our boundaries or become something else to keep a relationship. I found my best friend when I was 6 years old and to this day I am still reminded nearly every time we talk WHY we are best friends. There is no comparison to that person who just GETS it—and I am forever grateful to her because she helped me remember what it means to value those we care for and that it isn’t our job to be liked by everyone. That person who has the same wild fear of flying over water because they might get eaten by some sea creature….I mean, not having to explain that is priceless. There are just those people who require 0 explanation for anything that goes through your mind because they are already on the same frequency, they match your energy. The body knows this and it knows when there are those who DON’T match our vibe. They don’t even match what they say. The people who claim they miss us yet do nothing to rectify it when there is every opportunity to do so don’t match that vibration. We can say whatever we want to, it’s what we do and feel that shows what we really mean. So if there is a fracture in a relationship and we’ve done our part to repair it, it’s safe to say the other party might need to put in some effort. We are only as far as we keep people and vice versa. Don’t go chasing people, trying to force them to walk through an open door. If they keep walking, let them.
Today I am grateful for signs. I enjoy having a lot of positive, inspirational things around me including positive words from writers I enjoy. In classic me fashion, I tend to overcommit and I don’t always get to read all the newsletters I sign up for in a timely manner. The other day I was in my email and I saw one that talked about being meant to hear these words today. It happened to be one of the newsletters that I normally would put on the back burner for later, but I felt in my heart that I needed to look at it then, it was something that called to me. I looked at it and the writer had an interview with another writer and the name was familiar—when she said the name of the book I realized it was a book I’ve had for years and used to read quite often but hadn’t for a while. So the message of the newsletter was great but I ended up picking up that book to see what THAT message was for the day and it ended up being a reminder about confidence and knowing who we are—which is exactly what MY writing had been about the two previous days. We have to remember the universe is ALWAYS talking to us—we just have to remember to slow down and listen. We also have to remember that the universe speaks to us in the language and frequency we put out so if we really pay attention, we know what it’s telling us. I knew I was supposed to open that newsletter that day, I knew I was supposed to pick up that book again, and I know that I am meant to continue my work, step by step whether I see the end or not. This is where I’m meant to be.
Today I am grateful for reminders to focus on my creativity and the things that bring me joy. I’ve been struggling with a project I’ve been working on for over a year. It’s not turning out how I want it to and the stories and pieces I’m putting together aren’t the full truth of what happened. Some of it had to change for specific reasons but there are other parts that just don’t feel like the story I needed to tell—they don’t seem like my life. And I realized that if I’m going to share my story, it needs to be my story. So all the time I’ve put into this and now there comes another pivot. But what brings me back to focus is I received a call from my manager and her asking where I was at with the work and me not really being able to tell her what was going on. And it hit me that I’m overcomplicating the entire situation. I just need to get in and do the work, tell the story and then worry about the rest later. Just tell the story. Find the pieces that I want to share and let it out. Trying to make it palatable to others or simply sharing the information isn’t going to cut it. I need to share what is in my heart and remember the point of what I and why I wanted to share it in the first place. So, even this far in, it’s fine to reset and get back to the work that makes me happy. It’s time to start again.
Today I am grateful for communication. Most of my day is spent working through work projects and problems that arise related to my applications. If I have time to address my own projects or get a few things done around the house in between, I do. But most of my day is spent alone, creating my own schedule and doing what I feel I need to. I don’t get to spend a lot of time just chit-chatting anymore. So I got a call from an acquaintance whom I normally don’t spend a ton of time speaking with because we kind of have different involvement on the periphery of the same friend group. She’s constantly busy with work and has a lot of involvement in her kids’ activities and I work a lot whether on my projects or my 9-5. So when she called, I wasn’t entirely expecting it. We were trying to coordinate the kids getting together earlier that day and I had just expected a quick text about what the plan was but she called while at an event for her daughter and we ended up speaking for about an hour. It was nice to have a conversation with another adult about something outside of the house and to take a little bit of time to learn more about each other. Our kids have gone to school together for four years and we’ve been at the same activities together but we haven’t spent too much time together outside of those events. It was nice to feel like I had someone else to connect with especially with everything that’s been happening the last several months. Sometimes we just need to talk.
Today I am grateful for unexpected reconnections. Like a lot of people, my family relationships, specifically with the extended family is somewhat strained. Most of that comes from what others have told us and what we’ve been brought up to believe, adopting other people’s feelings toward each other. It’s ridiculous. We were close when we were kids and we let the talk of our parents and others sink into our minds and then life hit and we were all distracted by the things we had to do and the lives we chose. There are some people I haven’t spoken to in years and I hate that because we weren’t like that as children and I have experienced losing family unexpectedly so I should know better than to allow the habit of not speaking to each other continue. There was an incident with my uncle the other day and I knew it was time to reach out to my cousin to hash out what needed to be said—we are the adults now, we don’t have to abide by what our parents said 30 years ago. We ended up talking for over an hour and it is so obvious that we are in different places than we were 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago. Sure, there are some old habits and fears that linger, but we are healthy, capable adults and it’s time for us to take responsibility moving forward—and to understand that what I saw and was told all those years ago was crap. We can start over now. If we want to connect to people, just do it. Pick up the phone because we never know how much time we have. Don’t waste it.
Today I am grateful for understanding we live in a 24/7 world. These last 6 months I’ve had to rearrange my schedule numerous times as I’ve adapted to a new role. Like any other human on Earth, I have competing priorities and things I want to do so I have set times that I like to put toward specific things—with my new role, I’ve had to learn to shift my idea of work time and what my role means. That’s not a bad thing, I’m just saying for someone who focused on “work is this time,” “exercise is this time,” “dinner is this time,” learning to shift and pivot to understanding what was required of me and when took me a minute. I recently had to adapt again and this time really made me consider what my work day is. This role isn’t strictly 9-5 but it also isn’t 24/7 (not quite at least). But the world we live in IS 24/7. There are different patterns and life at different times and certain needs come in at different times of the day. Problems don’t always happen between 9-5. Family time isn’t always on nights and weekends. We must adapt to what’s happening right in front of us. Sure we can plan and we can stick to what we know but that doesn’t mean things won’t come up and we get called into the fire so to speak. As much as I’m trying and have been trying to establish routine, I understand now that I am privileged to work from home and my availability and my choice to when I work is different now. And that is a whole new sense of freedom.
When I think about legacy, I think about what people generations from now will think of me. Will I even be known? Frankly, if this is after my time, does it even matter? In my younger days I was far more secure in my knowledge of the world because that knowledge revolved around what already happened. I thought I knew it all and could make choices based on what I saw and what I felt. If only it were that simple. There were times I thought I made a stand for something when in reality I just made a scene—and that is not the legacy I want to leave behind. It can be a fine line between notoriety and notorious and my goal was never to be known as anything but a conduit for change, a smart person who understood what needed to be done and was instrumental in arriving at a mutually beneficial outcome for everyone. I wanted to be a problem solver and someone to help shift things so they were better for everyone. I mean the goal wasn’t to be remembered but it also wasn’t to be nothing—I wanted to have enough of an impact now that I could put the voices of others’ criticism behind me, secure in who I was. I wanted to just do something I found valuable that provided value to others.
I fell into the trap of getting caught up in what other people thought I was. I spent more time trying to convince them to look beyond my appearance to see what I was inside than I did focusing on my work—to stop looking at my stature and realize how big my ideas were. I thought people had to believe in me BEFORE I did anything of value, that they needed to take me seriously so I could do serious things. I deferred to too many people whether they were the adults around me, trying to make them proud, or my peers, trying to make them accept me. It created instability in my own sense of self that lasted long into adulthood. I still feel the pull of that at times. Now as I’m getting older, I do think a bit more about my legacy. Watching our numbers grow smaller as our friends and family leave or pass away puts a different light on the future. We start to see that we, too will face that inevitable conclusion some day and that begs the question what do we do with our time?
I worried so often about what people thought of me and learned the hard way that anything I did meant absolutely nothing—not getting chosen for the awards, not being asked to dance, being remembered as a suck up rather than top of my class, being passed over for job opportunities. That’s the other side of this: we don’t always have a say in how we are remembered or perceived by people. Our legacy will be whatever future generations make it, some fabled story from once upon a time that either ended in triumph or disaster. No one talks about the fact that for the majority of us we don’t live in the extremes of good or bad. Some people may want us to live like that or may function with that belief, that but the majority of our day is spent simply BEING. I wasted a lot of time trying to get people to see me in a certain way, and even while I’m still here that was misinterpreted. I can only imagine the future, either fading away or being remembered as nothing close to who I am. And the truth is if we are trying to make an impact while we are here, we don’t need to move the whole mountain—the stone makes a ripple too. Our existence is enough to make an impact now—we have no say in what happens in the future—so just live now.
Your body can’t go where your mind hasn’t been and the mind won’t go where it doesn’t feel safe. I’m stubborn. I repeat mistakes until I’m damn well sure that it isn’t going to work. I stick with things long past their prime. I save things that have no business being saved. I try to keep the past present because that means nothing has changed and I’m not dealing with my fears of losing people I love. This is partially anxiety, partially control, partially depression and fear. No matter what it is, though, the result is the same—there’s no forward movement in constantly repeating the past. There’s no progress in constantly trying to make people comfortable. If the only time we feel safe is when we contort ourselves to whatever is needed in the moment, then we are never truly safe within ourselves. We will never successfully feel safe until we are secure in ourselves and until we are secure, we will never trust our choices and abilities that help us move forward. And here’s the thing: we need vision and dreams to see the potential of what may come, but just because we can see it doesn’t mean that we are aligned to experience it. I fully believe we need to see it but we also need to be in a vibrational match with it to experience whatever it is we are looking for.
Healing takes time, focus, patience, and honesty. It takes a willingness to go back to the root of our pain (or even just the problem) over and over again until it’s removed. It’s not a one and done thing n some cases. It’s easy to feel like something is wrong with us when we are triggered by something we thought we addressed but the fact that we are human and have to practice recognizing what we feel doesn’t mean anything is wrong with us. It just means that there was more to the situation that needs to be looked at. Sometimes it means that we need to look at the situation from a different angle—or that perhaps what we thought was the issue wasn’t quite it. I’m not fully convinced there are things we can’t get over (so to speak) but there are things that are more than challenging in their own right. These are the things that keep us locked in old habits. They keep us small and afraid of what could be next. They make us believe that we aren’t capable of doing what we want to do. Until we face those demons and do the work to trust ourselves, we can’t possibly find that safety. Looking for it in others isn’t realistic either. Humans change their minds as they change so our safety can’t be contingent on someone else. Our foundation comes from us.
Wanting something is only part of the deal when it comes to creating the life we want. We need to be crystal clear on the what and flexible on the how. We must be ready and open to receive what we ask for and that means doing the work of clearing the obstacles in our path—especially those in our minds. We have to identify what it is that stops us from becoming the person who has what we say we want. If we can’t see ourselves there, we will never get there because that vision tells us the frequency we need to be on to match that energy. The body won’t feel right when we don’t feel safe. The body responds to vibration and what it knows because that is comfort in familiarity. We can day dream all we want, the mind has no shortage of imagination. But actually taking the leap means we have removed the barriers stopping us and we can become a match for what we want. The entire world opens up when we manage our thoughts and emotions because we recognize the power of the mind. We have created security in our ability to navigate through whatever comes our way while keeping the goal clear. If things feel a little stuck right now, take the time to evaluate if there just might be some old feelings holding us back. As soon as we get on track, there is nowhere we can’t go, no energy from our mind and vision that we can’t match with our body.
My husband and I have been talking about replacing our Christmas Tree for the last couple of years. The tree is 35/36 years old but has been so well maintained over the years that you wouldn’t guess it looking at it. Over the years, some of the points on the branches have started to weaken and last year we lost a few more and it was apparent the top most branch to which we’d secure the star wouldn’t handle it any longer. I relented and agreed to start looking at trees this year because I’m not quite ready to give her up yet. We spent the day going to a few places to find some options (I’m looking for some thing very specific) and then we had to stop by my parents house. We got into our home town and decided to take our son to a local restaurant for a late lunch. When we walked in we were greeted by a girl we’d gone to school with since kindergarten. The entire situation was surreal. I was simultaneously transported back to grade school then high school in that moment. We have all lived such different lives and chosen different paths, many of us not on the path we thought we’d be. But we’re all here. Nothing is perfect for any of us but we are all still here, still surviving. We’re all at different stages of the game and can’t judge others for where they are at.
We all do what we have to do and the truth is, we all have to do our best. We never know what the right answer is and we often wouldn’t know it until after the fact regardless. Life is a roller coaster, a journey. Seeing her brought me down the path of everything I’ve been through, right back to grade school, then realizing how far we are from that place. How much time I’ve wasted in that place. How I’ve tried to move on from things that constantly seem to find me no matter what I do. Seeing this woman who was a part of our past wasn’t a bad thing by any means, but it took me back to a place that wasn’t always fun for me. Coupled with the fact that the town itself is changing and so many things are different from what they were kind of threw me for a loop. It was like this altered reality where I knew where I was but it was entirely different at the same time. A reminder that time marches on and we are now of a different generation. We were once the kids coming into that place on our lunch hour during high school and now we are parents ourselves. It’s a trip to feel so old and so young. They never tell you growing old feels like an alternate reality.
I completely spun out for a little bit and even felt a bit out of body, dizzy in my seat as I waited for my chicken sandwich. Something so simple as getting food with my family turned into my mind racing through my entire life questioning how I got here and what comes next. Yeah, I know , I have to get a grip. But life is like that: Sometimes things show up we could never expect and it puts us in a mindset we weren’t prepared for. Sometimes those things are there to bring us into the present or to teach us something we needed to know. In fact, I’m certain of it. The more uncomfortable we feel, the bigger the lesson is or the more important it is to learn the lesson. Truthfully, I don’t know what that experience was supposed to tell us exactly, but it showed me how things change. Things ALWAYS change and that is the natural evolution/course of life. We’re all doing our best, no one really feels like they have it together. Our kids look at us as if we know what we’re doing and there are days I still feel like I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Life is funny that way. Who knew giving up a childhood holiday hallmark would bring about so many conflicting things. Perhaps the gift and the lesson is that those pieces of us never really leave—who we were, that light, that child, that hope, that joy—that is all there inside. No matter what we’ve experienced and chosen in our lives, those pieces of our past are always there. It’s how we make peace with them and bring them to light that counts.
A reminder: throughout history (and personal experience) I’ve never seen nor heard a single person regret going for their dreams. I love watching baking shows, especially the shows with hyper-realistic cakes. I admire their talent so much—those were not skills I’ve been gifted and it is truly a joy to watch. Regardless, it hit me: these people are making huge sums of money doing what they love and that is making CAKE. This isn’t life-saving, earth- shattering stuff we’re talking about—but this is a craft that changed the lives of these people and allowed them to be happy as well as give happiness to others. The truth is the money mattered very little. These people found their element and found the full expression of who they are. And that’s when it hit me, and as I started this piece: no one has ever regretted going for their dreams. No, not everything pans out how we think it will, but that doesn’t mean we don’t learn something from it. We learn more about who we are and what we can do for others.
So, we’ve spoken about it before, but this is a reminder for everyone: no matter what it is, go for what brings joy in your life because that joy will undoubtedly spread and infect others with the love and happiness felt from being in our element. Life isn’t about conforming to what people tell us, it isn’t about how much we make from doing what we love—money is not the indicator of success. How aligned with who we are and what we love, how fully we express ourselves, how we use our gifts and talents to help others, how we spend our time with those we love—THAT is true success. It doesn’t matter what it is. Running. Carving wood. Reading. Writing. Painting. Singing. Healing. Protecting. Guiding. Teaching. Cooking. All of these things create an opportunity for others to find truth in themselves. So remember, those gifts we have aren’t solely for ourselves. We are meant to share them wherever we go. Let them eat cake (while historically inaccurate) brings new meaning—it means let people be the fullest expressions of who they are. Ourselves included.
A while back (probably a year or more) I’d seen these videos of these women making different drinks that they’d freeze in various ice molds so when they wanted a particular drink, they’d just go to their perfectly organized freezer, select the gourmet little cube they’d frozen, and voila! A lovely little pick me up any time they wanted. I wanted to do that. I loved the idea of having such a simple and effective way to do something healthy and it was CUTE! Sure it could have been considered a little bougie, but that was such a simple and fun way to bring some joy, a little something extra to something mundane that had benefits. I went on Amazon ready to find these molds and start living my best frozen cube with health benefits life only to find that some of those molds were $20.00 a pop. I mean, if I really wanted it, fine, but your girl has OCD so by the end of the day I couldn’t justify several hundred dollars of ice molds because I needed the entire collection. I never bought them. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, we were in the store looking for an organizer for our business and we passed a you-pick section with a bunch of items for $2.99 each. I love a good deal so I started digging in the massive bin. I found trivets, serving spoons, spoon holders, all the little things that you really don’t need in the kitchen but are fun to have. Further down, I found an ice mold for teeny tiny cubes and I thought how cute it was. I kept digging and I hit the mother load of these molds—My dream of creating these cubes now come to life for a tenth of the price! I happily threw them in my cart.
Within seconds, I stared at these molds and the stands I needed for the business and my old friend “the other shoe is going to drop” hit me for no reason. The sudden wave of anxiety/fear/guilt crashed over me while we were still standing in front of that treasure trove of value novelty kitchen items and I wept. The overwhelm of the last few months, the unsettled state of the house, the uncertainty of what we want to do, the drive to create this new life with no action—the fire I’d had inside that I’d stoked and drenched repeatedly, the new start at work and trying to find my footing all hit me at once. The notion that I was in one of my favorite stores that I’d gone to hundreds of times with my father as a kid brought back memories of things I know I’m losing as my parents age and it raised the question of whether or not they felt this way when they were my age. Did they feel the pressure? Did they feel the uncertainty of who they were? And then the identity crisis crept in as well: Where was the girl I’d been trying to create when I fell in love with these molds in the first place? What had I done with my life? Had I finished a single damn thing I’d wanted to up to and including being able to make these freaking ice cubes? In that moment I didn’t know who I was or how to get to where I wanted to be. I felt like a liar, an imposter, and certainly confused about what to do next. Was I living my parent’s lives or my own? How do I adapt to the thing I want to find out what is ME?
We all have a vision of who we want to be, an idea of what we think our lives will be like, what we will do with our time. I wanted to live a certain way—crafty, homey, cute, comfortable, self-sufficient, strong, knowledgeable, in control of my own life. Having fun. I was doing NONE of that. I cried. I cried because I was not (am not) who I want to be, still caught in the game of trying to make people see things my way, still caught in doing exactly what I said NOT to do: trying to convince people the sky is blue. The fear hit me that I wasted my life on fear and pride, on doing what other people wanted me to do, wishing I could do it differently. The fear of losing my parents, that they feared they wasted their lives, and while that was their burden to reconcile, I wanted them to know they HADN’T. What they’d done was more than worthwhile and they are loved. Could I be loved for who I am too? Yes. But we have to put down the baggage we carry. I have to let go of the past entirely, and that means the past of generations before me as well. I need to throw caution to the wind and DO. Stop letting my mind play tricks on me. If I want to become the girl who makes gourmet ice cube drinks, then give it a shot. I’ve already been through the course of trying to be many iterations of myself and I’ve watched them fall apart for various reasons, so why should I fear trying to become one more version? While my heart is still heavy with some of the things that linger in these wounds, I now have those molds in my kitchen, recipes ready to create those drinks. That version of me is at peace and just as certain of my steps as those before me—none of them had a clue anyway. So there is nothing to live up to expect my own expectations. As I let the pieces of my heart come together and I put the wounds to rest, the real me will continue to be revealed. Some day I will feel shiny, bright, full of life. Until then, I have diamond shaped ice molds to help me along.
I’ve been around many people lately who seem to be contrary simply for the sake of it. We all know the type—the ones who will tell you the sky is green simply because you said it was blue. It’s very obviously blue, but since you said it, it has to be something different. I wish I understood more of human nature to break down what it is that makes some people that way—that may be a project I have to look into coming up. That type of behavior has been the bane of my existence since childhood. I’ve attracted people who sought to fight simply because I was right. That isn’t an egotistical statement, that truly is as simple as an argument over the color of the sky—that was no bullshit example. There is something in some people that seeks to make other people crazy purely for the entertainment of it. Perhaps that’s my karma as well, to learn when to let stupid things go and to move on. Not everyone has to like us, we don’t always have to be right, and there are some times when certain people will be contrary simply to be that way because it is in their nature to fight for something no matter how stupid. We can’t change people and there are these types around everywhere. Is it worth wasting our breath and time trying to convince them what is obviously right is right? No.
Mel Robbins talks about the concept of letting people be who they are and sometimes, no matter how painful, we have to let people be who they are. We have to let them dig their own rut as they run the same circle trying to convince people that what they see is right. Some people like the challenge of making people feel crazy—they like to push buttons for no reason other than they can. So while they can choose to use their energy in that manner, we can choose to use our energy to fight someone who knows they are being difficult or we can use our energy to happily allow them to be who they are and walk away. We let those who fight for the sake of fighting carry on with that battle because that isn’t something we need to engage in—and we have a choice on whether or not to engage. It can be painful to experience a person we thought understood us become a person who simply wants to see a reaction out of us. There is no convincing those people that anyone else is right about anything because they see us as wrong simply because it IS US. Let them be that person.
My friends, there will be days when the sun is shining so brightly, no clouds in the sky and we see that brilliant blue carry on for what seems like endless miles. Even on those days, there will be people who see our smiles and decide that is enough reason to put a thorn in our sides. I’ve never met anyone who inspires that in me, who when I see them smile I want to see them suffer so I truly don’t know what that feels like. I am also a proponent of common sense and truth so it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around the idea of fighting just because we can. My energy is much better spent elsewhere, and if there is a fight that needs to be fought, I’d rather have the ability to focus on that when the time is right. I don’t need to waste my time creating fights out of nothing. I don’t need to waste my time making people understand the truth. If we find ourselves with that type of crowd around us, it’s time to make the choice on whether or not we have anything worth staying for. The world has enough obstacles simply in the form of existence—we don’t need to waste our time with any additional created nonsense formed out of someone’s head or misplaced feeling toward us. So if their sky is green, so be it. Tell them it’s lovely and walk away.
Today I am grateful for new approaches and understanding. I’ve harbored a lot of anger over the years—anger about things I perhaps didn’t fully understand from the other person’s perspective, but it was usually over things that seemed pretty straight forward to me. So much so that I didn’t have the capacity to look at how I was doing the same thing. I’m older now and I DO see things from the other side and for some of it I still feel as frustrated but for other things I can slow down and take a more compassionate approach. I can ask better questions rather than demand specific action from people. My family are a bunch of thinkers, future tripping constantly and we wind up digging our own holes and getting mad about it. We learned from earlier generations that we are to have certain expectations of other people or that, because we adapt to others, we expect others to adapt to us. We want someone to come and save us and give us an answer even if it’s blatantly in front of our faces. Having any expectation on the behavior of others is a recipe for disaster and I’ve watched how people have cornered themselves into the victim cycle simply because they won’t act, thinking the angrier they get will change the behavior of others. No amount of anger, frustration, or resentment will make people change their behavior if they don’t want to. And it hurts knowing that even in situations where we’ve explained ourselves people still choose to do the thing that hurts us. But that is the reality of it. So we can look at it differently or we can repeat the pattern by expecting people to live up to our expectations. Once we understand our own power, we can approach things differently.
Today I am grateful for reminders it doesn’t need to be complicated. Over the last few days I’ve put things away and cleaned and organized and worked both my 9-5 and my business and I’ve mothered/wifed/daughtered/sistered/friended with those close to me and we threw in a few adventures discussing upcoming holiday plans. All the time I’ve stressed and worried and got lost in thought over how long things would take, how much time I had lost, and how stuck in my head I’ve been as of late I really needed that reality check: we can do more than we think we can. We overcomplicate tasks and create miles of to do lists when all that needs to be done is simply to do things. Talk about things. Be honest about things. Get up and move things. Try something. We can’t worry something positive into or out of existence. We can’t stop time. We can’t stop how other people behave. We can’t change what was done. We can’t make people see things our way. We CAN be here now and we can do something in the moment. I had gotten so stuck in my head that I forgot a family function I agreed to host in my home. I was reminded of it the night before and believe me, that text message snapped me directly into the moment. And the thing is this: all was fine. All the things I wanted to do got done. It wasn’t hard, it was one foot in front of the other, just like I’ve always told myself in my not-freaked-out states. It’s funny because every time I talk about being brought back to the present I’m always thinking to myself, “You KNOW this, why do you waste this time?” and I end up sharing it here because I know my process isn’t perfect, I know how often I need to be reminded of these things. I’m human and sometimes need to be reminded of a few things.
Today I am grateful for reminders of why I made decisions. Last week I shared that on Halloween I was proud of the choices I made in regards to confronting the people whom I’ve allowed to be the source of my anger and pain over the last several months. I have no regrets in what I did, what I said to them, in getting the truth out. I’ve spoken the truth about the elephant in the room in this situation since the start and no one has liked it. It’s been bleeding over into other people’s behavior toward me and I’ve felt it. But I am secure in standing my ground, not out of stubbornness, but out of the fact that I’ve taken the facts of the situation, looked at the goal of healing the relationships, swallowed my pride to speak the truth and do the healing work WITH them, and the behavior and treatment remains the same. None of what I said last week was out of malice and it seemed relatively well received, albeit frustrating at the time. Not more than 36 hours later, I saw the pictures of the people I’d tried to make amends with for months, the people who I put everything aside to help find a kid, those very people who hugged me as we talked through things, I saw the photos without me. Look, I am well aware of how potentially childish this sounds and I’m well aware adults can befriend and decide what they want to do and when. But the heart of the matter is those decisions can still be hurtful when the group I was responsible for “creating” is now doing the very things I tried to do with them from the beginning. Seeing those photos made it crystal clear that I made the decisions I did for a reason and that I could bleed out for these people and they would look the other way. I may not be the best at reading social cues but I value relationships and that means having the hard conversations—I’ve even asked what I did wrong and received no response. So that means it’s simply the choice that I don’t belong in the very thing I built. And that is fine. That isn’t behavior I want to allow in my life regardless and I don’t want that to become another wound I need to fix or a wound my family needs to fix. I’m standing by my choices.
Today I am grateful for reminders of life. My new role for my 9-5 is pretty cool. It’s something very new to me and I am still treading cautiously in many ways, still carrying old habits related to doing what I’m told etc. But I love the work, I love the freedom that came from accepting this role, the freedom that has taken me some time to adapt to. I envisioned it for a long time and it took me a long time to get to this point—5 months to be exact. It was a journey to truly adapt to what freedom meant. Where the responsibility came in and where I could loosen the reins, where my time needed to be spent, where I needed to be more disciplined and where I could make decisions I didn’t before. Currently someone near to the role hadn’t been acting themselves, they seemed absolutely exhausted and didn’t look well, and I told them they needed to take the time to take care of themselves because I’ve been on that side of the fence where my sanity and health didn’t matter to anyone—I ran myself ragged trying to be all things to all people to hear a few words of praise, that I did the right thing or that I was doing a good job. Less than a week later, this person was in the hospital with chest pains. Thank goodness that initial evaluation came back negative but the following days this person declined and now they are on leave. No matter what’s happening in a job, we are in fact ALWAYS replaceable to a role—they will always find someone new to do what they want them to. So remember to take the time to live life, take care of ourselves—the work will always be there but we will not always get another opportunity to do the things we want to do—and if we run ourselves into the ground for the sake of a role, then we never will. Take care of ourselves, live.
Today I am grateful for embracing my power. If we spend our time thinking of all the things we have no control over, we can find endless ways to be a victim in this world. When we focus on what we CAN do, it shifts the entire story. The only one truly keeping us where we are is ourselves. If we don’t do the healing work I spoke of yesterday, a majority of our time will be spent in avoidable agony for ourselves and ways we possibly hurt others. There are infinite things we have no control over in this world and it is a terrifying prospect considering all the ways our lives can go sideways. We can spend our lives creating ways to avoid all those things but the truth is we will NEVER find a way to avoid all the potholes in life. I can’t emphasize enough how life changing it is when we focus on what we do have power over. In spite of what we may think, we do have a lot of choice and power in this world—nearly as infinite as what can go wrong. We can choose our reaction in every moment and that can be decided by either our wounds or our truth. When we let the truth be the guide, we understand our feelings, while important, do not run the show. I’ve spoken of that many times and it is always worth repeating: how we feel isn’t the reality of the situation so we need to make sure that our interpretation of something isn’t skewing our entire view. We have to learn to pause and ask the questions—is this what I really feel and is this how I want to behave? Is this truly me or is this an old reaction? What are my real boundaries and how do I do the work to establish what I need? People are flawed and imperfect and there is no way we can avoid our emotions occasionally spilling over into what we do. But we can always pivot and take the reins again. We DO have a choice.
The Intentional Dreamer 