Absolutes

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I met a woman for the first time over the weekend and we got to discussing dynamics in relationships.  As a highly driven, type A personality, with a lot of goals (which admittedly tend to be scattered), I have a tendency to lean toward controlling behaviors.  I have enough self-awareness to know this so I don’t take offense to it—if you have dreams you need to actually execute in order for them to come true so I can let most of the negative insinuation about my personality roll off.  And to be clear, even when I have a goal, I’m not talking about controlling every single detail, honestly.  But you can’t sit there and wish and wish for something and expect it to happen without some sort of action—that isn’t aligned with the energy.  You can’t win the lotto without buying a ticket.  You won’t learn French without picking up a book or some audios or an app.  You get the point.  In my mind, the control was to focus on the action to achieve the outcome, not about controlling other people.  We all want to at times, myself included, but if I don’t get what is needed from someone, I do it myself, I don’t force them to do it my way. 

What I never took into account about this interpretation of my behavior is that people could see me controlling some things and automatically apply that to every facet of my life.  First of all, how ignorant of me that I would assume everyone would know exactly what I meant at all times and they would see me for who I am.  It’s not lost on me that assuming people know everything about me is both controlling and a bit egotistical—sorry about that, I’m human.  Secondly, I shift and pivot depending on the environment I’m in.  It’s a habit I developed as a people-pleaser so I am able to chameleon in most situations and be what is “needed”.  I assumed at the very least that people would see my different behaviors depending on the activity and recognize that I have all these pieces to me just like everyone else.  Third, I’m actually really sensitive so the fact people apparently DON’T see that in me really hurt.  I’m such an open book and I think I do that in order to avoid any misinterpretation of my behavior—which I guess can be controlling as well.  I’m not sure—trauma/control or control as a response to trauma….I don’t know.  Fourth,  I guess I gave people too much credit to observe what’s happening around them.  I assumed they would, and maybe I assumed they would feel like me. 

Now, the interesting point of this conversation came when we started discussing the relationships closest to me.  I expressed I was feeling like I have been trampled and that boundaries are crossed and that there were some frustrations I had thinking I was working toward a goal with someone and we clearly weren’t.  She pointed out that there is always the possibility people are no longer interested in the same thing.  Not revelatory, but it was a nice reminder nonetheless.  She then proceeded to talk about it being ok to have absolutes.  There are certain non-negotiable things we can demand in our relationships (and it’s ok for the other person to do the same) where we need to get those things to feel safe and respected and to have our boundaries honored.  So, the mind-fuck for me was this: Here I have been asking how high when told to jump thinking people would return the favor and then getting pissed when they didn’t.  I see now that too IS controlling.  I expect a return, especially if I go out of my way to get you what you want.  That isn’t healthy.

So she introduced me to absolutes based on what I value and those are the things I don’t budge on.  I had initially looked at setting the absolutes as being controlling and about needed permission.  As someone who rarely says no, I never considered that it’s ok to say no if you really mean it.  A value based absolute is a boundary and that is healthy. When we know what we value, we make clear decisions and we know when lines are actually crossed.  It isn’t about living in black and white, but what happens is we either learn to compromise within the boundaries we set with people or we recognize we aren’t compatible. That’s different than people pleasing and expecting people to do the same for you.  The people who constantly bulldoze your boundaries are NOT your people and they will never give you what you need—they don’t care.  Those who love you and value the same things as you will respect your limits and value your input to their lives.

She also took me to the flip side of this which is when we have too many absolutes in our lives.  And that I had to take some onus on.  I have a lot of scattered goals and they all are pretty big.  I can’t say I’ve made a ton of progress on them but I keep grinding regardless of that outcome.  The issue is that in order for me to do all of those things at once without real focus, it has created a list of absolutes that can’t change at any time.  There’s no flex, no room for flow because you can’t be in alignment with multiple things at the same time.  You have to learn to level up and build the frequency, not sing all the songs at the same time.  At the same time there’s no clarity.  It’s great to have big dreams, but you won’t get anywhere without a singular FOCUS: follow one course until successful.  Allow things to unfold in their time.  So for all my people pleasers, I hope this helps you remember that you can still have your absolutes.  You are worth that.  Know yourself and know your value and values.  Let the rest go and just be you….. 

Burnout

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Let’s talk about burnout.  Not the, “Oh I’m tired and don’t want to do this” kind of burnout.  The kind that drains you.  Ryan Blair says this looks like life just sucking, more work equals less results, no gratitude, don’t like people or your job, asking why you have to do the work, you’re looking forward to end of day/weekend/vacation.  Don’t buy into working yourself to death for a mediocre reward.  We need to get away from the culture of thinking working ourselves to death is productive.  It impacts so many areas of our lives and diminishes the quality of life.  Burnout leads to destruction of the relationship with self and our relationship with others as well. 

One of the key points is gratitude.  We need to be grateful for what we have.  When things start feeling too heavy we have to evaluate what’s working and what isn’t and the best place to figure out what you can carry is when you get to the bottom.  When you simply don’t have the energy to move forward because we are in the state of “too much.”  Suddenly the material isn’t so important.  But faith is.  Suddenly proving yourself to others doesn’t mean diddly.  But finding those who are always there is.  10 years from now isn’t as important as right now.  The reports your boss needs can wait.  Your mental health cannot.  We look around and all we can do is breathe.  That is something to be grateful for.  We know then what we can leave behind and we find the strength to do so.  We surprise ourselves and we prioritize what has real importance in our lives. 

It’s easy to glamorize the busy life.  We talked about the busy-ness sickness last week.  Most of the time the act of staying busy is an avoidance of something.  We fear we can’t get the job or we can’t do something or that we won’t achieve our goals so we distract ourselves.  We find ways to convince ourselves we are happy with how things are going.  And then one day we aren’t.  We find dissatisfaction with what used to bring us joy.  We aren’t content having the same conversations.  We feel like there is something more or we feel dulled to what we are currently doing.  That isn’t where we want to be.  So when we get to that point, I encourage all of you to embrace it.  Take the leap and look at what really causes those feelings because that is where you will find the need to wake up. 

Burnout is a good indicator that there is something out of alignment in your life.  It’s time to take your foot off the gas and look around.  We are so often told that we can’t do that.  That we aren’t allowed to slow down.  We are forced into perceived obligations in order to keep up with whatever we feel we need to.  We aren’t trained to be in touch with the idea of what we need based on feelings.  We don’t know what it’s like to feel full and be content with it.  We are trained to consume and do more and more and to keep going.  That is the fastest way to literally burn it from both ends.  So when we feel that way, rather than continue to push and take on more, we need to learn to stop and figure out if what we have is what we want and if that is actually enough.  It’s ok if it is and chances are, more often than not, you have more than enough with exactly what you have.  So.  Live for now.  Be ok now.  You have nothing to prove.  We can stop glorifying what is killing us—it’s not a badge of honor, it’s a sickness.  Be brave enough to slow down and to know what you have is enough. 

Precious Time

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“Time is way too precious to be spending it with people who don’t make you feel your best,” Shay Mitchell.  Sometimes the universe works in really funny ways.  I had this quote picked out several weeks ago and the piece was going to be about finding ways to connect with yourself so you can find your tribe.  Now it has a new meaning for me.  When I initially decided to use it, I wanted to address the global groups, the closer groups, the work groups and all of those orbiting figures in our lives.  I never considered it would apply to the inner circle as well, to those who already offered and claimed to love you for all you are.  Naively, I thought those people would never bring me down—those are the ones who cut the deepest.  Those who know the darkest parts of us, the depths of us, those are the ones who know where it hurts.  We would never willingly tolerate that kind of abuse from those who have little say in our lives, but it touches a different nerve when it comes from someone who is on the inside so to speak.

Normally I would simply advise to let those people go.  Logically I know if someone doesn’t see our worth then it isn’t worth it.  It’s never our job to prove to people the value we bring—and even with what I’m going through, I stand by that.  But those closest to us still see things from the outside and they have their own experience of who we are, so we look at their opinion differently.  I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t hold a different weight.  What I’m learning through this, however, is that the weight is different for a few reasons.  1. There is actually potential to make needed changes.  Sometimes it takes us longer to acknowledge/see what needs to change in ourselves and these things sometimes naturally happen.  The initial shock may be a lot, but good can come of it if you’re both putting in the work.  2.  There is a need for a change in those people as well.  What once worked, doesn’t and trying to force the pieces isn’t helping—and that goes both ways.  3. It doesn’t matter how close someone is to you, if they no longer fit, then yes, we need to let them go.  And that really hurts. 4.  It feels like a loss of identity.  We don’t know who they are and suddenly we don’t know who we are either.

I mentioned in Saturday’s post about the support I’ve received over the last week in particular and I want to bring that up again here.  No matter what happens or who shakes up your world, there are STILL those who will be around.  People will surprise you.  Just when you feel most lonely, suddenly an entire system rises up and lifts you with them—you’re not alone.  As one thing ends, another begins.  Learn to focus on the light and the good and learn to lean on those who surround you.  It’s ok.  Life is about the exchange of energy and we don’t always have to be “up.”  I talk a lot about being the light, I want to share that it’s ok to need the light from others sometimes as well.  Our cups aren’t always full and we need to do what we can to fill them.  Take what is offered with gratitude and appreciation and allow your cup to run over again.  That is the transfer of energy—it all comes around.  We can’t always be the one doing the heavy lifting.  Find those who make you feel better, find those who take you as you are, and find those you can support in return.  THOSE are your people.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for an actual stop.  I have paused on much of the work I was doing even a week ago.  It’s a strange feeling.  There is more time available, and I feel like I have room to breathe.  I miss some of the work I was doing because it’s the work I actually want to spend my time on.  But the pause has allowed me to find what I really value and I will be able to come up with a plan to start working on those things.  Sometimes we don’t realize we are running in circles until we are forced to stop.  I can’t say it has been fun questioning what I want, and finding a way to do it all.  But the way I was going wasn’t working either so there is purpose in the pause and I am grateful for the lesson.

Today I am grateful for friends.  People can surprise us and sometimes you have to go with the spur of the moment invitations.  We took some friends up on such an offer last night and it turned out to be a fantastic time.  Life gets hectic and chaotic and loud and if we don’t tell it to stop, if we don’t introduce some fun, if we don’t allow input from others we spiral out of control while we are trying to control everything.  There are moments we need to simply let go of it all.  Completely take our hands off the wheel and engage in some silliness and laughter.  It truly is the best medicine and if you have people who are willing to provide that, then don’t let that go wasted. 

Today I am grateful for beginnings.  It will never cease to amaze me how often we have to start over or how often we repeat in order to learn.  I’ve spent a lot of time doing work on myself, learning to love myself, learning to believe in myself, learning to connect with myself.  Some may say this is self-obsessed and to a degree that is true.  But I’ve learned that we can’t operate at the extremes.  We can’t give entirely because there is nothing for us, we can’t take entirely because we overfill, but there is a happy medium.  When we find the spot where we are full and our energies run over onto other people, we create miracles and blessings through authentically being.  But I’ve been humbled over the last week and have learned that all the work is just ticking a box if we don’t integrate it.  We can KNOW things but if we don’t know who we are, the application is for show.  So we get other chances to move forward.  I am grateful to keep going and learning and developing into who I need to be.

Today I am grateful for learning.  Continuing on the same vein of beginnings, I’m grateful to continue the evolution of who I am.  I’m grateful to learn where I am wrong and where I need work.  I am grateful to learn where I am stronger than I thought.  I’m grateful to know where my limits really are and I am grateful to feel my way into the life I really want to experience.  I don’t know it all.  No one does and, as I said above, reading the books to mark that off the list of doing the work doesn’t mean diddly.  You have to do the work to become the person you want to be.  We have to constantly be open.  We have to be willing to learn and adapt and take in new perspectives all the time. We have to see values in others, in their differences, and in their strengths just as much as we need to see the same value in ourselves.  We need to know who we are and express that without diminishing the gifts of others.  Learn to live in that expression and put aside the notions of what you thought.  Have fun and allow the layers to continue to unfold.

Today I am grateful for the lesson on control.  You can probably tell this has been a theme for me over the last few weeks.  I’ve had to do some deep work into my patterns that lead me to control.  I talk about it in more depth this week.  There are parts of me that I thought I was simply right to accept because I allowed that to be my personality.  But recent events have given me pause on where I stand with controlling things.  There is power in addressing what is ours to own and there is power in letting the rest fall away.  Control is an illusion and I’ve discussed that many times here.  Sometimes we need the reminder when we aren’t sure if that lesson applies to us as well.  Little secret: it does.  So I am grateful for the outside perspective I needed to guide me in a better direction for myself and my relationships and how I show up for people.  It isn’t about controlling their actions, it’s about creating presence for them—and we need to give that to ourselves as well.  So, like I said above, I am also grateful for the stop so I can create presence in my life.

Today I am grateful to let go.  It’s a gorgeous fall day and we spent most of the morning playing.  We had a quick breakfast, took our son to get his hair cut, did some shopping, decided to paint the bathroom a really fun metallic blue, I did my meal prep, did laundry and dishes, and helped my son with his homework.  Nothing was entirely planned but we somehow got it all done.  I even managed to put up all the fall decorations for Thanksgiving.  During all of that, all I kept thinking was that this exactly the way I love for the day to flow.  I got so much work done this morning, I set myself up for the whole week to open time for other things.  We had fun, we were present, we enjoyed each other, and we felt alive—I know I did.  I sang for the first time in a long time as well and it felt so good.  Now I see the sun setting as I sit here in my office and I feel peace.  This is probably the most content I’ve been in the last two weeks.  And I am grateful for my life.  I am so grateful for the reminder that I need to be present and stay connected.  As important as goals and action are, as important as the future is, all we have is now.  All I have is now.  Sitting here with the sun beaming in my office, a cat curled on my lap, feeling grateful to be alive.  What a gift.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

Finding Support

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I want to use the events of the past few days to acknowledge all of the people who showed up for me the past week. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball and it rocks the foundation of what you thought was very solid.  It leads you to have to examine parts of yourself you didn’t think you would need to.  Suddenly the parts you thought you made peace with and things you thought were acceptable, aren’t.  And at the most basic level, like in all of the pieces I’ve written here, people change.  We have to realize that as we recognize what doesn’t work for us any longer, there are things that will no longer work for the other person/other people either.  No one tells you about that flip side.  No one mentions that other people can outgrow you too.  Other people on their journey start having the same questions you do.  Now, I know this logically.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t a shock when you think you KNOW someone and they hit you with something.  It feels out of left field and it’s very isolating.  The cool thing about that part, however, is there are still those who love you as you are—all of you. 

We all have moments when we aren’t sure who will show up when we need them. We feel alone, we feel like we can’t reach out because people see us a certain way, we feel like we have to do it on our own.  Many of us people-pleasers do so much for so many that we never form a solid relationship because it’s all based on surface acknowledgement of doing something good.  Regardless, there are still those who surprise us, and even if we feel unappreciated about who we are, there are those who support us.  Just as I was feeling incredibly low around my circumstances and about myself and my identity, people showed up.  Every person I reached out to responded to me and showed up. People I didn’t reach out to intuitively knew something was up and they responded as well.  My friends, that is a BLESSING.  As challenging as what I’m going through is, knowing these people are actually there, understand, and have insight is a gift.  It’s an odd thing to be on the other side of the table receiving the advice.  Sometimes you don’t know you need it until you get it.  And boy, do I need it. 

When anything foundational changes in our lives, it feels like the world is turned upside down.  Finding center becomes really challenging.  It feels like the universe is against you and like the people around you aren’t the same.  And when people are in the process of undergoing their own change, you need to find out if that works with who you are.  You have to ask yourself where that comes from and figure out if it’s legitimate and if you want to continue on like that.  You have to let people be who they are and you have to figure out where you fit in with that new version—is it for you?  And honestly, the more important part is finding those who take you as you are.  That means doing what I’ve said all along: the work to be incredibly certain about who you are.  Sure, there are moments we all need to bend, but we can’t let others break us for their benefit.  There are times we may need other people to hold us together for a little big.  Show gratitude to those who are there, no questions asked, for those who hold space for you, and for those who understand. Learn from them.  Remember your worth.  Like I said, there are people who still love you as you are—make sure you’re one of them.

The Most Painful Discussion

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. In a second the world flips.  You think you know someone or where you stand and suddenly you find yourself alone.  You see someone who said they loved you become cold and find enjoyment in your pain.  You question your worth all over again.  You look at the events leading up to that moment and you see what you didn’t see before: there were signs.  Indications of things first not going well and then fizzling out.  Things not turning out how you thought they would.  No, this isn’t to say that any time something doesn’t go as planned it’s a disaster.  But it is clearly to say that there are moments when you fall that you have to reevaluate who you are.  The most painful part of this is when you see your part in it.  It’s when you acknowledge the pieces of you that need to change and adjust.

We are human and we all have moments of rock bottom.  Moments we don’t see coming until they are upon us and when we look at the depths of who we are.  Recognizing our contribution to each of those moments has taught me we can’t move forward until we see where we’ve contributed to our own downfall.  Now, like any human, none of us want to acknowledge where we caused our own pain.  After one of the most emotionally painful weeks of my life, I spoke with my mentor and she flipped my view on it’s head.  I never considered my reactions to someone ego.  Especially with concrete actions like someone saying they won’t spend money and then they do it behind your back.  In my brain, that was a justifiable thing to get pissed about because they actively did something that impacted me.  I felt those actions in my soul because I believed we were working toward a result together and I had a right to set boundaries.  But my mentor stopped it and framed it around control and I’m learning this is a fine line. 

We create expectations around someone’s actions because there is a real impact on our lives.  The bottom line is that we can’t control what they do.  No matter the agreement, the understanding, whatever it may be, the other person can always do what they want.  My mentor took it even deeper and asked the question about where my need for control came from. What issue of lack am I dealing with that makes me want to control.  Initially I bristled.  I mean, it’s common sense if someone does something to you, you’re allowed to react.  The question becomes do you need to?  Is the reaction based in something more deeply seated than the action of the other person?  And even if you’re right, the other person may not have the wherewithal to deep dive into themselves to see what caused them to do it in the first place.  All we can do is the work on ourselves. 

The work involved with self-care and self-awareness to promote growth can sometimes frankly suck.  My mentor asked me how long I had been doing this work and I made the comment that sometimes I ask if it’s even worth it because it’s painful.  She reframed that, too, stating growth is painful—that’s why they call it growing pains and that it’s always worth it.  She also shared with me that sometimes on our growth journey we trigger things in people around us.  We mirror what they need to work on in themselves.  They even tell us we’ve changed and incompatibilities surface.  I also know first hand when you’re not ready, the work won’t happen.  We avoid it.  It’s hard to go through the mud and take ownership of things you legitimately didn’t do, as well as the things you did.  Because the truth of growth is that we can only play the cards we are dealt and sometimes the mess we have to clean up isn’t ours.  We may not have caused it, but in order to move forward we need to take responsibility for it.  That doesn’t mean taking blame, but it means looking at the future and doing what you need to get there.  The wound will repeat until we heal it.  No matter how painful the beginning, we can heal it as long as we are willing to face it. Sometimes the most painful discussion is the one you have to have with yourself to accept the truth.

Busy Does It

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“[Using being busy] because you’re escaping from the pain of your full life being unexpressed,” Robin Sharma.  We use busy as a distraction to avoid the thought of a life we think we can’t have.  We have these feelings of things we want to do but we associate it with a fantasy because it doesn’t align with what we are told we have to do.  And then we feel pain because we know what we want to do but we don’t think it’s what we are supposed to do.  When we allow ourselves to become the fullest version of who we are, that pain goes away because we are honoring what is inside, honoring our knowing.  I have lived a totally unfocused life.  I thought I could do everything and I thought I was supposed to.  I believed I could control everything into submission and make it happen.  I mean, if you want something, you find a way to make it happen, right?  But I took on too much and it became a distraction.  We all do that at one time or another.

When we get honest about it, we know there is more to do, or rather something else we would rather do.  There is more that our inner knowing is telling us that we need to pursue.  If we don’t allow ourselves to become who we know we are meant to, then we spend much of our time in distraction.  Distraction isn’t just time behind a screen.  It’s time spent compulsively cleaning or organizing or constantly finding people to be around, or never being home, always having projects, working late.  I want us to consider for a moment that pain is a good thing in this circumstance.  At the very least pain shows us what isn’t working.  It whispers that something is wrong and it creates an awareness that we need to examine where that hurt comes from.  It’s only when we can identify the source that we can make alterations to our path.  Of course we can always choose to ignore and stay on the path we started, but the other option is to let all that go and take steps down a new route.

What happens when you put aside the business?  At the most basic level, space clears.  An opening forms where there wasn’t one and we see that maybe there is something else.  There are other ways to accomplish things and there may even be things that we don’t need to accomplish at all.  Imagine the time you create in your life when you simply do what calls you instead of what you obligated yourself to do.  Putting aside the business allows us to dig a bit deeper, examine our motivation and ask ourselves whether that is our motivation, what we were told to do, or a distraction. Time moves differently when we are in flow and when we are aligned so I’m not talking about five hours passing doing something you love.  I’m talking about constantly moving and filling every second of your day with something.  So when you let that go, what remains?  That’s the answer you’re looking for.

Take the chance to find the things you really want to do.  Take the time to invest in finding yourself and then take the time to express it every opportunity you have.  Be authentic and real and watch how all the other stuff just falls away.  Allow the extraneous to fall away and watch the light come in differently.  Let yourself see what your soul has been trying to tell you all along.  More importantly, respond to it.  Follow that and see what lies on the other side of the distraction you convinced yourself you need to do.  Allow yourself to be busy doing the things you love, the things you are meant to do.  You will definitely be busy but it won’t feel like it.  There’s a difference in productive, purposeful business versus distraction tactics.  Let the latter fall away.  Put aside the noise for a day and hear what the universe is telling you.

Drive It

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“Don’t let life fuck you up.  It’s yours to drive.  You’ve got to be happy on the way to being happy,” Jenifer Lewis.   A perfect echo to yesterday’s post regarding needing permission to live our lives how we see fit.  We are the driver of our lives and we become miserable when we let someone else take the wheel.  We need to be secure enough in ourselves to express who we are and to take control over what we want to create with our precious time here.  Of course that doesn’t mean it’s all peachy or easy along the way, but when you recognize the purpose of the path, it unfolds with ease. We see the steps and we experience the knowing of what we need to do. No, it doesn’t happen overnight.  There are a lot of twists and turns and bumps along the way, but when we find the path, our path, it doesn’t matter what comes.  We are prepared.

Now to the latter part of our opening quote about being happy on the way to being happy.  We need to put some context around this in the vein of expectations, faith, and aligning.  I actually believe we can live in a state of total happiness.  I feel we can allow ourselves to accept who we are and be comfortable being that person.  I have also learned that like attracts like so in order to find that degree/level of happiness, we need to learn to be happy where we are.  Again, that doesn’t mean we feel great about every little thing around us, but we have an acceptance of it.  I’ve learned that happiness comes in accepting who we are and where we are.  When we have that, we are able to keep perspective and make accurate decisions.  As I said above, as like attracts like, we learn to align and flow and we trust that all is as it should be without making it have to be something else.

Life get’s fucked up when we open the door to everything with no discretion.  That means people’s opinions, bad news, the tragedies as well as the triumphs and then we prioritize the negative of what we hear.  There is a lot wrong with the world.  I fully acknowledge this.  But as we are the cause, we are the answer.  I believe that answer comes in knowing who we are.  The world is hurting as much as we are and I mean that on an environmental as well as individual level.  We do our best when we focus on what is right for us and that means we are able to share our best with the world.  Don’t run from the pain of what has happened.  Sit with who we are and ask what we can do about it.  People blowing smoke and sharing their views on something that you hold the reins on isn’t where you want to be.  So focus on you because that sends out the most positive ripple into the world and encourages others to do the same.   

Approval and Time

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“Life is too short to waste time waiting for other people’s approval of how you live it,” Steve Maraboli.  We know what we need.  We are born with what we need.  We are born with the remembering of who we are supposed to be.  We know what we need to do.  But we are brainwashed into believing we can’t do those things or that it isn’t the right time/place/experience etc.  We are trained to believe that we need to fulfill some obligation to a system in order to be worthy.  The system takes precedence over our gifts.  We don’t need permission to be who we are—we are only told we do.  The more time we spend in other people’s approval is more time spend denying ourselves of joy and less time the world has to experience our gifts.  As children we innately rebel against our parents when they tell us what to do.  We know the feeling of freedom and we don’t allow ourselves to be held back.  Our fear gauge is non existent and we do it anyway.

That is the feeling I want us to remember when I talk about approval.  Is there anyone else who will pay your bills?  Is there anyone else who will buy you food?  Is there anyone else who will live the days you want to?  Provide fun/faith/fulfillment for you?  No.  The only person who can do that is you, and that is the only person who even knows what you actually want.  The longer we ignore that voice, the longer it takes to hear it again.  Some of us experience a silence of that voice when we trust other people over our own intuition and that takes even longer to hear what we are saying or even feeling.  Throw in a dash of anxiety or people pleasing (often included together) and it’s far easier to believe we need to trust the outside versus the inside.

There is one thing no one ever tells you about as a child—or it’s very rare if they do.  Regret. That feeling of wishing you had done something or that things had turned out a different way and knowing you can’t change it. The most common thing people regret when they are on their death bed are the things they didn’t do.  Right now a popular audio is going around Instagram about living a life where you’d rather say, “I can’t believe I did that instead of I wish I had done that.”  There’s only so much time we are gifted and it matters what we do with our time.  It matters that we can say we lived a life that fulfilled us, that fulfilled our purpose.  If you are lucky enough to recognize your purpose, that is the direction you must go.  If not, well, welcome and congratulations.  You are here to learn to dive into who you are and express that. It’s learning to let go of who you thought you had to be in favor of embracing and expressing who you are. 

Honestly, that’s the best advice I can give in this entire piece when it comes to understanding and undertaking this idea of living your life.  Express yourself and live your life exactly as you want to live it.  It’s yours to live.  Don’t expect those who have no stake in the game to call the shots.  Moreover, don’t allow them to.  Their goals are not yours and their decisions will not create the life you’re looking to live unless you’re in alignment with your soul group (which is a different conversation).  And as far as letting other people down, I’m learning the value in doing it every time that’s a choice.  Now, I’m not talking about leaving people in terrible predicaments and ignoring it, I’m talking about those who feel the need to express an opinion every time.  Those who live on the sidelines calling the shots thinking they’re directing the game.  No.  You just do you. The more comfortable you get with that, the easier it is to move on.  And that is the definition of living without approval.

Sharing a Synchronicity

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I attended a leadership event this weekend hosted by my team with a couple as the keynote speaker.  They talked about the dance of conversation as it pertains to business and today I woke up to one of my inspirational leaders discussing the dance with the universe and life.  It goes both ways.  Sometimes you need to allow the message of the universe to simply flow through you.  You need to receive and then you need to act.  You need to put out the energy to the universe to receive.  Think and Grow Rich talks about the brain as a receiver and an energy emitter.  So discussing this dance of conversation and working with people as we learn to help them, it translates to the bigger picture of the dance with the universe and getting in touch with that universal flow.

My husband and I discussed some future plans this weekend and I saw him struggling with committing to what I was talking about in regards to our business.  I saw that it went further and that he was having trouble committing to a vision of what we are working toward.  It’s totally natural, I understood where he was at.  We’ve both struggled with believing what is possible and it makes it difficult to plan for something when you really don’t believe it can happen.  But what is key here is learning who you are and knowing how to express your gifts with others.  If we are going to be in flow, we need to be in frequency and that means knowing what we are emitting at all times.  It means knowing what we intend to emit and what we intend to receive and how we intend to use it for the good of all involved. 

I’ve been gifted with many synchronicities over the last few months and I am guilty of not following them as I should have.  I’ve taken steps, I never outright ignored them.  But I am guilty of not diving in whole-heartedly.  I’m still not willing to disappoint people and I still fear that I will lose my ground/security if I don’t do as I’m told.  But I know that if there are this many signs and they are still coming even after expressing fear, then this is the path I’m meant to follow.  I know that I am dancing with the universe and at this point it’s just practicing the steps.  It’s learning to allow and flow while harnessing the power of the gift I have been granted.