I had a dream about a c-suite person from my job.  It was such a maudlin expression of what I can imagine people view/viewed me as.  As I’m shedding layers, I see sides of me that were probably pretty obvious to others.  I used to be impressed by people/power/title but not for the reasons you’d think.  I’d try to be in the same room, I’d try to be heard in front of them, I’d try to be seen.  It wasn’t about being power hungry, it was about being an energy vampire and feeding off of it.  It was about finding validation from people in positions to tell others my worth.  It was about being rescued by someone who saw something in me.  From the outside of course it looked like I was a suck-up, someone trying to hard, maybe even a social climber. 

I’m not proud of the fact that I couldn’t see that perspective until very recently.  I thought I was doing the right thing by doing what it took to be seen and heard, and (not to play victim) I thought it was going to protect me in the long run.  Discussion of self-worth and value were non-existent in my house growing up so I grew up learning that I needed a savior.  That I wasn’t allowed to live my own life, that I needed to do what I was told, keep my head down, and if I was good enough then something good would happen for me.  I don’t blame my family for the lesson because I understand what they were dealing with as well—they didn’t know until much later on what it meant to not need permission—or that they could make the decision to not need permission. 

It took me many years to learn that standing in our own power is enough.  That a title doesn’t really mean anything unless you use it for good. It’s about knowing our own worth and doing what is right for ourselves.  We are trained to live our lives a certain way, forgetting that we are beyond asking for permission.  We don’t need approval or to prove our value/worth to others.  Doing what’s right for ourselves doesn’t make us selfish, it guides us to where we need to be.  When someone shows you what they think of you, believe them.  When they show you who you are, believe them.  Know your worth and when you’re not welcome at the table.  People will make their feelings about you very obvious and think they’re smooth or subtle.  What you tolerate and allow is what you get.  Don’t tolerate that disrespect any longer.

When we focus on our own path, the opinions of others has zero impact on our lives.  That’s the point of knowing. Power is about co-creating with the universe and mastering the gifts inside of us.  It’s the ability to stand firm in who we are without interference from the outside.  Power has nothing to do with exercising control over situations or people we were never meant to control.  Focusing on our path, our energy, our thoughts, and our expression is the ultimate control.  People can’t sway you from who you are as long as you KNOW who you are. Title doesn’t mean anything in the scheme of co-creation.  That’s the beautiful part: it’s available to all of us at any time.  I’m glad for this reminder about being intentional in the life I live.  It isn’t about how I appear to others, it’s about what I feel about myself.      

Today I am grateful for epiphanies and understanding.  We are all hypocritical at times.  I don’t think it’s intentional—I know it isn’t for me.  I become a hypocrite when it comes to follow through and practicing what I preach.  It isn’t about people doing what I say, it’s more about external vision for others and fear.  It’s easier to see things from the outside so sometimes the solution is more visible when it comes to other’s situations.  And letting go of fear is hard.  The same eye that sees the answers for others may not believe it’s possible for them—and that’s a big thing  for me.  Reconciling loss means dealing with the fear of loss.

Today I am grateful for love and friendship.  My husband nailed it with Christmas gifts this year and he planned this day months ago.  We went to breakfast with our neighbors at this cute little diner.  We’ve lived in this area for nearly 5 years and haven’t ever been there until a few weeks ago.  It’s the epitome of everything you’d think this area is supposed to be—they literally know your name when you walk in, the food is delicious, they know your needs before you say them.  My neighbor and I share common interests so one of the gifts was to go to the Harry Potter Experience.  What an unbelievable gift and an amazing way to fully embrace having fun and joy. 

Today I am grateful for remembering myself.  This has been an intense week filled with lots of drama, emotion, and intensity.  While we were at the Harry Potter experience, all of that literally melted away.  I felt completely at ease, totally in my element, and a real feeling of joy swept through me.  Life can be like this.  We can allow the joy and ease back in and we can simply have fun.  It’s ok to find that childish part of you and let it out—and I let my inner child out today.  I see how play is absolutely essential and when we take ourselves too seriously we get lost.  I didn’t feel one ounce of shame today while going through the exhibit and playing.  This is what it’s like to be yourself, when you find that inner essence of happiness.

Today I am grateful for remembering myself (part two).  The things I’ve been struggling with aren’t mine to carry.  Nonetheless, I’ve carried that burden.  I’ve become an emotional powder keg, unclear in thought and focus, unmotivated in action and follow through, eating my feelings away, feeling heavier and heavier.  I saw myself today and I don’t appear as I want to anymore.  So while I was the happiest I’ve been in a long time (and that is visible on me), the damage of sustained trauma is also apparent.  I don’t need to continue to punish myself for anything.  I can put that away.  Today is a new day and I am able to decide right now that I can take responsibility for myself and do what is right—that is the follow through I talked about in point one. I know I am capable.  I’m sorry I continue to forget it. 

Today I am grateful for acceptance.  Sometimes initial encounters don’t go well.  We misjudge or something in particular happens and we carry the wrong impression of someone or something for a while.  I had that experience shortly after we moved to this house.  I struggled to get along with anyone because I felt so alone.  But after honest and open conversation and real talk, I found how much I have in common with people.  There was recently a publication about social health and it includes the various components of being with people, managing our lives, and how that impacts our health/happiness.  Learning to accept the reality of situations and letting people in draws us closer and gives us support we may not realize we need.  I can tell you, I’ve realized I need it and I am so grateful to have it.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.  

The universe never says no—It’s yes, not now, or I’ve got something better.  I just wanted to throw out a quick reminder that the universe isn’t vindictive or vengeful.  It’s operates on frequency and the big picture.  This means that sometimes the things we think we want aren’t what we need.  The more we fight the flow of what is meant for us, the more difficult it is to adapt and learn the lesson.  It also means that we need to understand what we are emitting at all times, the type of person we really are, and how to reconcile the two.  We need to have the courage to keep going when we don’t get what we want.  We have to have the resilience and persistence to see the lesson and take the redirection.  We have to have the courage to strip away the story we’ve told ourselves, the story we were told about who we are and get to the root of our true purpose.  The only real desire we need to have is to fulfill that purpose.  Once we learn how to do that and to share our gifts, the rest comes easily.  The universe knows our role in this game, and of course it’s up to us if we choose to engage.  But playing the game of frequency and vibration makes it go a lot smoother.  The answers are clearer, and we move through life with ease.  The universe doesn’t make this about the joy in saying no, it’s in the joy of finding what’s right for us.  What a gift!

Sometimes we have to approach a problem from a different angle.  This past week we’ve talked about recognizing where we are the issue, how we can be our own hero, and how we need to slow down enough to recognize the problem so we can redirect to experience life, not run through it.  Sometimes when we are stuck, or seeing the same issue repeatedly, it’s because of a pattern we can’t let go of.  Or it’s because we use the same solution we’ve always run to for a problem that needs a new outlook.  We carry things with us.  Knowledge keeps us safe and it opens the door to new things.  Humans are creatures of habit and we will go with what we know, the path of least resistance every time.  It serves us to make decisions quickly and efficiently, a gift from our primal brain. 

Some times those habits become like a raft.  One of my favorite parables in Siddhartha is about approaching the river and it’s too wide to swim across and it’s unknown how deep, so he fashions a raft and uses it to cross safely.  Once on the other side he has the choice to carry the raft with him or leave it behind.  What happens if he reaches another river?  How can he move forward through the forest carrying the raft?  Sometimes what served us doesn’t serve us any more.  That which gets us here is not necessarily what is going to move us forward.  How we cope, how we approach life, sometimes holds us back and we need a new way.  We have to release the raft of emotional safety to trek forward. 

Sitting with the problem isn’t about finding the quickest solution.  It’s about finding the solution that addresses the issue at its core.  For things like emotional weight it means understanding why we do things like engage in addictive behaviors, emotional eating, staying in unhealthy relationships.  We want to address the eating when really it’s about our self-worth.  We self-destruct because we are afraid of success.  We stick in a relationship because we don’t want to be alone or we fear we can’t do it on our own.  But those habits and patterns are the raft.  They may have made us feel good in the moment, but they are only holding us back.  We need to learn to develop strength and confidence rather than stuffing and over-consuming to feel better, or engaging in codependency.

Leaving the raft behind means taking ownership, another concept we talked about this week.  Sometimes it’s as simple as seeing where we create our own obstacles and putting them down.  Other times it means doing some deep digging and taking a new approach.  It means slowing down and evaluating where we are.  We aren’t stuck, we are familiar, and when we are familiar, it’s harder to let go.  The brain doesn’t like the unknown—we have to learn to make the unknown a friend.  We do that by doing hard things, by being honest, and by learning to let go of the raft.  Often times the situation is much lighter to carry than the mechanisms we use to feel better about it.  So face the issue head on instead of dodging it.  You have to let it go to move forward.

It’s appropriate to throw in a little piece about the human spirit at this point.  In all the talk of magic, finding who we are, alignment, remembering worth, and being our own cheerleader, sometimes we forget the balance in our lives.  We become obsessed with proving a point rather than living in our fullest expression of who we are.  Or we tie our worth to the external things or to other people’s validation.  That is the quickest way to be out of balance because the barometer is outside of who we are.  We’ve given the reins of our happiness to something outside of us.  Yes, I speak of purpose and magic and the endless supply of the universe, but even that has some limitation.  What I mean is that there are times we have to replenish ourselves for the sake of replenishing.  We need to operate on all cylinders so to speak.  Balance is about novelty and routine. Rest and challenge.  Learning and creation.  It’s an appreciation of all that makes life whole.

In the grand scheme of balance we can talk about how we live: work/life, health/nutrition, diet/exercise,  obligation/play.  But balance takes on more than that.  Balance is about knowing what balance looks like for us.  It’s about what living well looks like for us.  Here we are back at knowing ourselves again.  Clearly this is a theme.  I spent years under the guise of doing what I was told thinking I was doing the right thing—because I was told it was the right thing.  I never realized the damage it would do as an adult.  I never realized how disconnected I was from that inner knowing.  All the time I felt those flashes of inspiration and even fell into flow and then snapped myself out of it because I was told it was selfish or not worth it created a negative connotation to creation.  Production was key, and the only valid production was working on someone else’s dream or doing what I was told.  Life is about serving and creation.  Assisting and independence—and also being assisted.

We aren’t meant to handle it all.  We aren’t meant to create all.  We are meant to exist in the place between.  Life is a give and take that requires both boundaries and limitlessness.  It isn’t about using all of our energy to serve any more than it is about taking in all the energy around us.  And it certainly isn’t about deeming any one person’s goals or dreams as more worthy than another’s.  Our job is to remember our value and to share that with the world as equally as it’s our responsibility to recognize the value in others.  We are all worthy of our dreams and of attaining our purpose.  That is the sole reason for being here.  When we find the sweet spot in flow as we talked about yesterday, when we know that energy is limitless from outside, we are better able to run our battery and recognize when we need to recharge it.  Finding that flow is about knowing when we are functioning in which capacity.  That is balance.   

“Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t slow down every once in a while, you could miss it,” Ferris Bueller, in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (John Hughes).  I couldn’t sleep.  Thoughts swirled in my head that had no business popping in my mind.  I was as wired at 1am as I normally am at 3pm.  Worry, anxiety, fear—all the things I’ve been trying to crush came around to crush me.  As the thoughts of debt, failure, past mistakes, future worries, and death and every other macabre form of twisted torture trod the familiar ruts in my brain, this quote from Ferris Bueller popped in my head.  I heard it earlier in the week during a meditation and I wanted to do a piece on it regardless, but this seemed the right time.  We spoke yesterday about no one saving us, how we have to take the keys to our own kingdom.  How often do we slow down enough to understand what we need?  How often do we follow through on it?  How often do we sabotage our dreams by repeating the same thing over and over again?

Living an intentional life of purpose requires awareness.  It requires a willingness to look at ourselves with honesty.  It requires knowing whether our actions do or do not align with our intentions—and being honest enough to change those actions if they don’t align.  This means slowing down to see what we are doing.  Slowing down to understand what we are truly thinking and feeling.  There are some patterns so engrained we do things without thought, and slowing down enough to recognize them feels so unnatural.  So why were those thoughts running a marathon through my brain at 1am?  Because I haven’t been acting in alignment with my purpose, not entirely.  I’ve lived with a foot in both worlds, just on the edges of both.  I know what I feel I need to do and time is moving quicker than I want to admit.  I’ve already missed so much—the sacrifice of doing what I’m told at all costs.  I can’t do that anymore.

Let this go to show a few things: 1. Even with over a year of extensive work toward a goal, things still may not fall into place. 2. Even focusing on negative self-talk and working on negative thought patterns consistently for a year, negative thoughts can still intrude.  3.  Desire will never win over action—desire needs to be coupled with action.  4.  Fear is a liar, it’s rude, it’s intrusive, and it will show up when you least expect it, when you think you’ve accomplished something.  5.  Just because life moves fast doesn’t mean you can’t move forward from where you are right now with a new outlook, a new plan, and a new focus.  It takes work, but you can slow down your thoughts enough to keep you grounded right here so you know what to do, so you see the truth of the thing.  6. Thoughts create our reality.  Make it a good reality.   

“Nobody is ever going to save you-you need to do that on your own,” Rob Dyrdek.  I used to love the idea of a princess—a Disney princess.  When I was a kid, I loved Cinderella because, while her life was unfair, she got the best in the end of that story.  When I got a little older, I loved Belle.  She knew who she was and knew what she wanted and she fought for those she loved—plus she had the ability to see the good no matter what things seemed.  Her belief in others also brought her the good in the end.  I used to disregard the fact that they went through a ton of shit—I just liked that it always seemed worth it in the end.  Life comes with a lot of harsh truths, the least of which is that none of us are princesses and sometimes things don’t turn out in the end. 

That isn’t to say there isn’t merit in believing fantasy, but it’s more important to remember the truth: we all have power in our lives to change the outcome of where we are.  We are able to choose to become our own hero.  I wrote yesterday about how sometimes we need to see the best in every situation.  I want to add that sometimes we need to choose to do something different in the situation.  We need to see our patterns and know what’s causing the issue in our lives.  No one is going to come through a reward us with the keys to the kingdom.  Sometimes we have to make a new door.  Sometimes we have to make our own kingdom.

Taking the keys to our own kingdom means accepting things about yourself.  Knowing what you’re good at, what you like, what feels good, knowing and understanding your purpose and knowing how to fulfill it.  It means acknowledging what fits.  I’ve tried all my life to be palatable, and with the amount of practice I’ve had over the years, I’ve become quite good at it.  I don’t want that to be my superpower.  I don’t want to survive or make a name by being the chameleon, the one that changes to fit with whomever she’s with.  I don’t want to die having never really lived MY life.  I’m no longer interested in what looks good or sounds good to others.  I’m interested in finishing this healing and stepping into the next phase.

Decades pass in a blink.  I woke up and over two decades of my life are gone and I don’t remember much about them.  My son is six, no one has come to save me, and there are still moments it feels like I’m stuck on repeat.  We waste so much time.  Time on social media, time with TV, time fighting, time stressing, time hiding who we are.  Time is the most valuable asset and resource we have and we squander it as if it’s a renewable thing.  Everyone has a moment where they get to decide what comes next.  Move forward as is and stop complaining about it.  Or.  Move forward into the unknown and make the leap into what feels right.  Nobody is going to save us.  Make the choice. 

Following up on last week speaking of magic and remembering what we can do, I have some steps that I take to bring me back to that.  Owning our lives isn’t about forcing things to go our way.  It’s not about getting our way at all—it’s about honoring and sharing our gifts.  It’s about knowing those gifts, knowing our purpose and acting on it.  It’s not about controlling others, it’s about controlling the facets of our lives within our control and knowing how to emotionally navigate the rest.  That comes with recognizing the issue when we are in tight situations, when we feel like we have no way out.  When we are so preoccupied with the problem that there are options available we don’t even see.

Whether it’s a physical thing, a person, or our environment, we have a choice to either fix it, fix the way we respond to it, move around it, or move on from it.  We always have a choice.  We also have a choice when the issue is how we view the problem or how we feel about it, and it’s the same choice, fix it, fix our response, move around it, or move on. While those might not seem like great options, or we are so attached to the outcome they don’t seem possible, those are at least better than sitting stuck with the issue.  If we refuse to see our part in the solution, we refuse to see that we cause our own blocks in moving forward.  Sometimes we are the problem, but, as Marie Forleo says, if I’m the problem, I’m also the solution.  I am the blockage and the solution all in one. 

I’m the first to admit it took me forever to recognize where I caused my own pain.  It was so much easier to put it on an external source, and I had many external sources of pain, we all do.  I still don’t like to admit that life is 10% what happens and 90% how you respond to it.  I mean, there are days when we are simply dealt a shitty hand and the anvil falls on us.  It’s a lot easier to play a King than a Joker that shouldn’t have even been in the deck, and damn it, when you’re crushed, you can’t walk with broken legs.  In those situations, we are out of the game before it even starts.  So if you’re 10% has everything you need, the 90% feels a whole lot better and it’s clearer how to respond.  When it’s a rough hand, that 10% feels pretty empty.  Now, I’m not saying even the worst isn’t for a reason because it all shapes us, but I’m saying it’s a tough game to play if you don’t have the right stuff so to speak.

What I settled on understanding was that I can shift my perspective and ask different questions—instead of “why me?” it can be “what lesson?”.  I also learned that in shifting that mindset, we understand that our minds control how we see things, and we are able to control what goes through our minds.  It isn’t about stopping the “bad” things, it’s about finding the “good” if we need to label it.  So while I think the 90/10 percentage is inaccurate, there IS merit in how we view a situation.  Clarity is what drives the action, so if we can see through the muck of a crappy situation, we can better find the answer.  Really it’s more about not muddying the waters than it is saying bad is good.  So if we can see our part in it, if we can shift our thoughts, we can find the answer as well.  The magic is still within us.       

Today I am grateful for forgiveness.  This week seems to have been filled with a lot of backstepping and it feels like I lost a lot of ground in regards to personal development.  I engaged in behaviors I know aren’t conducive to growth like fear, envy, anger, jealousy, over-spending, over-eating.  I am grateful for one thing: those old behaviors felt wrong the entire time.  I mean they physically felt icky, heavy, and made me feel like crap.  I’m grateful for that because it means that I’m aware the old patterns don’t serve, they aren’t right for me anymore.  So I’m working on forgiving myself and moving forward.  Forgiveness is new for me because I’d normally be angry with myself, chastise the behavior, and wallow in regret.  I want to heal the part of me that needed to engage in the behavior in the first place and I’m grateful for that opportunity.

Today I’m grateful for KNOWING.  Along with working on root causes, I’m grateful to get in touch with my KNOWING when it comes to my needs.  I’ve known for a long time that I have to take next steps and I’ve felt off the whole time, like things still weren’t clear about the goal.  The way to make that better is to rely on intuition.  Intuition can be as small as gut feelings telling us something is off or it can be as blatant as having to refuse an opportunity or invitation that doesn’t align.  To get to that level we need to have complete clarity.  Clarity about who we are.  Clarity on our intuition.  And we need to act from those places of knowing constantly and without shame or regret. 

Today I am grateful for new beginnings.  Along with forgiveness and knowing comes new beginnings.  We are so fortunate to have the opportunity for new beginnings over and over again, multiple times a day if needed.  I’m even grateful that I’ve been grateful for new beginnings before.  Life isn’t permanent.  We can change and redirect course any time.  Sometimes we need a pivot in order to get where we want to be.  Take that chance.  Try something new.  Try something that feels better.  Even if it’s unknown and we only have an inkling that it might work, try it.  You never know where it will take you.     

Today I am grateful and proud of myself for sticking with my limits.  We had to go to the pet store today for fish food and, naturally, we started roaming looking at different animals.  A beautiful chinchilla played in his enclosure and I felt this immediate rush of needing to bring him home.  We used to rescue chinchillas so they’ve always held a spot in our hearts.  My husband felt the same impulse to bring him home and, of course, my son was so excited.  As we calculated the price of the things we needed to get, I reminded myself that this was a whim.  We have goals for this year and spending that kind of money on an impulse purchase that lasts over a decade isn’t the way to get there.  We came home without a new addition to the family, and as sad as it was to turn down the little guy, it was the right thing to do.   

Today I am grateful for a much needed moment of flow.  Chaos will never stop around us so we have to control and regulate the environment within us.  I mentioned above that I’ve felt like I was backstepping this week, engaging in negative behaviors and thought patterns.  I put myself into such a deep panic attack the other evening that I couldn’t fall asleep until after 3AM and I woke up at 6:30AM.  Throughout the course of the day, I noticed my thoughts slowing—perhaps due to tiredness or just the overwhelm I put on myself.  And I realized I had to give over.  I don’t want to fight my life.  I don’t want to argue for things to be a certain way.  I don’t have the energy for it any longer.  I’m between the places where the new is coming in and the old is what creates security.  How we spend our energy is entirely up to us and I’d rather go with the current than against it.

Today I am grateful to recognize need.  I’ve been pushing myself too much lately.  It’s been a whole lot of too much.  Too much consumption, anger, arguing, demanding, spreading myself too thin, whining, feeling alone, confusion. All of these things would have irritated me to no end previously, and I would have taken it out on myself.  I took a moment to ask where all of this is coming from.  How did I find myself right back where I started? There was a need still left to fulfill.  I don’t want to go into too much detail on this one, it’s a fresh wound so to speak, but the need to be heard and seen is still high on my list.  I’m not finding the appropriate outlet to honor those needs and it’s catching up with me.  So instead of being angry and frustrated, I just need to hear what I really need.  In that way all of the negative self-soothing techniques I picked up over the years don’t serve here.  I’m ready.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

My friends, magic is real.  I thoroughly believe this, and I am human, so I also thoroughly forget this nearly every day when I dive into my current routine.  I still seek that distraction and sometimes fear the inner voice that tells me the right way to go—that’s the voice we talked about yesterday.  I consider it a real privilege every time I’m able to find that magic again, and my goal for this year is to spend as much time in that state as possible.  We are all divine creators and we are absolutely meant to live in magic because that is a gift from elsewhere that we are meant to share with as many people as possible.  So, how do we find this magic?  We follow our instinct and hone our gifts as much as possible.  We find our own zone where leading edge of challenge meets ability.  This space is where we take our gifts and put them to use for the greater good. We are made to serve so how can we use our innate gifts for the world?  The Japanese call this Ikigai, the French call it the raison d’etre: it’s where talent and passion meet to produce our purpose that we share with the world.

When we get to use our gifts in that way daily, we feel something happen.  Time moves differently.  Suddenly we’ve skipped ahead several hours and our work is done, or we managed to complete a multitude of tasks in a short timeframe.  We look at the result and KNOW how amazing it is simply by feeling the energy off of it.  We are able to take that energy and channel it into production.  We shift entirely from consuming to producing, the inspiration continually flowing in and the product flowing out.  We use our machine-like ability to create magic.  I’m not talking about a drive to push forward, I’m talking about connecting with the universe and our results are somehow intrinsically a result of us but not entirely from us.  We all have this ability, and the longer we spend satisfying our purpose, the more comfortable we are with recognizing what that purpose is, with knowing who we are, and knowing how to use our ability to help.  We aren’t all meant to be doctors or lawyers.  Some of us are meant to inspire and guide and help those in finding their way.

When we do the work we are meant to do, it’s never really work.  When we are with the people who truly understand us, it is never time wasted.  When we are creating joy and in touch with the inner light of what sparks the imagination, it is never solely fantasy.  When we share the gift of who we are, energy isn’t squandered.  No, when it comes to the concept of right work, right company, right purpose, right intention, nothing is wasted.  We are in touch with the limitless supply of energy from the universe and we feel it directly in who we are.  This is the sweet spot where we remember time is an illusion, a construct we’ve placed on us to limit the scope and range of our expression.  Admittedly, it’s challenging to remove that construct, but it isn’t impossible.  Plus it’s incredibly addictive to be in that sweet spot, we are just told it’s selfish or isn’t realistic.  Remember how good it feels to align purpose and action and you know what I’m talking about.  Forget what people tell you to do or who to be and simply be yourself.

There are no limits in the space of magic.  Anything is possible, and we are meant to create—we are all born alchemists in this realm.  We are meant to take the raw material of guidance, gift, talent, and knowledge and transform it into something useful for society.  The flow, the sweet spot where we are driven to use that talent and information for good as well as feeling good is where it happens.  We spend so much time yelling at fish because they cannot fly that the fish forget how effortlessly they glide under water.  A fish will learn to hate itself for who it is because of who they are not if it doesn’t remember who it is.  So, if you are meant to fly, fly.  If you are a swimmer, swim.  Neither method of moving is better than the other, each is its own type of magic.  Instead of lamenting what we cannot do, celebrate the magic of what we CAN do.  Find your sweet spot and you find your magic.