We spoke of Matthew McConaughey’s Art of Living event yesterday and I want to share some other gems from that event.  I want to clarify that the purpose of the event was discovering the things that hold us back in order to live our lives more honestly and fully.  It’s more than just developing confidence, it’s about identifying what weakens our confidence in the first place, identifying the fears we have.      McConaughey asked, “What is the boogeyman?  It’s fear of the unknown, fear in our head, not in reality.”  The reason this stuck out is the realization that we aren’t trained how to deal with these fears.  Too often we are taught to plow through and do until we are able to move forward with some degree of success. McConaughey suggests that this be more like looking the monster in the eye.  When we actually confront what we fear we learn how to deal with it.  We aren’t trying to beat it into submission, we are asking what it needs which opens a conversation.

McConaughey said that anything worth having cost something.  For example, to be successful (of our own definition) we have to be willing to give up other people’s expectations and we have to be willing to sacrifice our comfort.  He doesn’t suggest we do this in a masochistic way, working 20 hours a day and striving toward burnout, he says we need to identify where we can learn to face down the voice that seeks out comfort over our dreams.  I love the idea of getting comfortable with who we are and accepting who we are because there’s another thing we mistake in life: that if we make mistakes, we can’t have the life we want.  McConaughey says the exact opposite: We can have fears and flaws and still get to our ideal life if we learn how to approach those fears.

I loved the perspective McConaughey shared on fear in terms of figuring out what the actual problem is: It’s a right of passage to face our fears and flaws—ask ourselves what monster we need to face.  When we go through life we spend a large amount of time proving our worth and judging the worthiness of others.  When we see it’s mainly because we aren’t taught how to develop our own worth, we can start looking at how we feel about ourselves and where we want to go.  By the time we get to the question about what we really fear, we are in a different mindset.  Sometimes the questions we ask bring us the answers we didn’t expect, and THOSE are the answers we need.  If we want to live fully, we need to be fully honest about the things we don’t want to face and we need to be equally honest about what we can actually face in spite of our fears.  The answer lies on the other side of our fear/comfort zone.  When we get there, we are unstoppable.  What monster do you need to look in the eye? 

Matthew McConaughey recently held an event on the art of living and he shared some eye opening nuggets of wisdom.  Sometimes we aren’t able to get honest with ourselves because we feel like we will let ourselves and others down.  We hide parts of who we are and don’t share our story because of how we think it makes us look.  The truth is our stories connect us.  When we share the truth of who we are, we express vulnerability, yes, but we also express an authenticity that can’t be taken away.  We show the parts that most people can relate to.  McConaughey shared a story of trying to find himself and he wound up walking with a monk, sharing his story for over four hours with the monk saying nothing.  At the end of the conversation, the monk turned to McConaughey and said simply, “Me too.”  To hold space and witness the parts of ourselves and others that we don’t want to see opens our eyes to another immutable fact: the human condition is not a singular problem, we are all susceptible to greed, anger, joy, pleasure, pain, hope, resentment, etc. as the next person (Matthew McConaughey). 

The truth is confidence in this life, in this day and age is a fickle thing.  We can’t rely on confidence as a gauge of success unless it’s the confidence that comes from knowing ourselves.  Anything that comes from the outside or “makes” us feel a certain way can be altered or taken away at any time and it’s important to have the wherewithal to let go when necessary.  So when we share and understand with 100% certainty that we are not alone, we can build relationships and connect with others.  Connection is key.  I’ve always been one of those do-it-on-my-own women because I felt the need to prove myself every step of the way.  Plus I didn’t want to be bound by other people’s timelines so if I wanted something done, it was faster to do it myself.  But that left me empty and scared and anxious, always looking for the next thing that could go wrong because I had to be on high alert for any issue to deal with.  I became addicted to fear and stress and trained my brain to constantly feel victimized.  While there were moments those feelings were true, my life was not constantly in danger—no ones is.

So when it comes to the human condition, we can fix the issue with connection on two levels: connection with ourselves and connection with others.  When we connect with ourselves, we develop an understanding of our flaws AND our strengths, of our fears AND our possibilities, of our obligations to others AND our responsibility to ourselves.  We see the truth of who we are and we embrace and accept it and when we learn to operate from that foundation, a path forward begins to form.  When we connect with others, we are reminded to be humble because we aren’t alone.  We are reminded the world isn’t out to get us and that we have options.  We can learn from other people’s lessons and we can teach other people from ours.  We aren’t meant to be singular creatures, we need community and love and support.  Judging ourselves as unworthy places judgement on others.  Remember our worth and our values and if we live there, we are always divinely guided. 

Last week I spoke of some things going on at work and I feel the need to follow up after the past few days.  When we were kids, we were often told that people are mean because they are jealous or that they like us, or that they have their own problems.  I understood it on surface level for a long time but I still took everything personally.  I couldn’t deflect a thing.  There was inherently something wrong with me if someone was mean to me.  So as I’ve been dissecting every facet of who I am and everything I could have possibly done wrong at work, my old habits resurfaced and everything was my fault.  There are certain lessons in life that take time to make sense, for us to understand the full nuggets of truth behind them.  Today was one of those days.

The universe can take a while to show us the truth of a situation, but the truth will always come out.  While working with one of the people involved in the story I shared last week, I started to notice that the story I had originally been told from this individual wasn’t entirely accurate.  True, it may have been their perspective, but it wasn’t accurate in regards to the other party’s intentions.  This individual had deliberately taken the time to skew my perception of the requirement using fear that the third party wouldn’t be satisfied with my work.  As the story unfolded today, it hit me: “This is unreal—she’s jealous and she’s scared.”  Not necessarily of me, but of her position.  She’s afraid of what’s coming just as much as the rest of us.

I share this because, yes it was incredibly frustrating and quite frankly it was debilitating for a bit there.  But seeing that her actions, while calculated and cold, they weren’t nefarious or entirely malicious:  they were fear based.  That opened up an entirely new train of thought for me.  While I won’t be rushing to confide or trust in this individual any time soon, I know that her insecurities played a large, role in her behavior.  I felt compassion.  While I’ve never tried to undercut someone (I tend to go toward needing validation rather than hurting someone), I’ve felt that insecurity as well.  I know what it feels like to be vulnerable to other people’s decisions and their views or opinions of who we are.  I know what it feels like to be told your best isn’t good enough, and she was having that experience, as humans, we all have.

The truth always shows us what we need.  Sometimes that first impression isn’t accurate.  Sometimes it isn’t the whole truth.  Sometimes people are afraid to admit what’s really going on.  But if we can be patient or if we learn to ask the right questions, perhaps there is an opportunity to see something else or to learn about someone in a new way.  Yes, what happened felt horrible and I haven’t seen behavior like that since I was a kid.  But that doesn’t mean this individual isn’t hurting as well—hurt people hurt people.  Taking the time to see that perspective and understand where they are coming from doesn’t fix it, but it helps me keep perspective.  I’m safe, I am healed (and healing), this had nothing to do with me.  I know where to keep better boundaries, but I can forgive.  And that is the key—I no longer need to hold onto that anger.  Of course I wished it went a different way, but I am grateful to know the truth and to move on from there.

We’ve spoken about the causes of inaction in our lives, namely that we aren’t sure which way to go, usually a result of being unable to rely on our decision making abilities.  When we learn to people please, our worth, our value, our esteem is external and we seek approval and validation in any way we can from outside.  Whether it’s responding immediately to calls or texts or emails, or making sure we are always available for someone, to staying in a job we know isn’t fulfilling because we are afraid of taking a leap, we base our actions on how they will impact others and on whether or not we think we can do it.  More often than not we question our ability because we listen to the opinions of others.  Even if we know we can do it, if someone puts the slightest doubt in our minds, our confidence is shattered.  We also don’t want to hurt people and we play the game of middle man whether intentional or not.  It leaves us lacking in the ability to recognize our own needs.

Making confident choices means knowing who we are, and as I’ve said many times, that means taking the time to dive into those pieces of us we’d sometimes rather not show.  There are reasons why we started pleasing, why we started ignoring ourselves, and why we feel other people’s opinions are more important than what we know we need for ourselves.  Confidence is shattered when contingent on external criteria.  Diving in is more than just recognizing the pattern and it’s even more than recognizing where it comes from and why we started the patterns in the first place.  Diving in means going further and honoring and appreciating those parts of you.  The parts that managed to survive when you felt worthless, the parts that didn’t know any better and kept going anyway.  It means making friends with those pieces.

Shining a light on the pieces we’ve kept hidden takes time and it IS painful—but it’s painful like taking off a band-aid—as soon as it’s done it starts to feel better.  When we see all of us, we know what assets we are truly working with and we see that some of what we kept hidden is actually a gift.  It’s something we can use and it often becomes our strength.  It’s easier said than done, but when we develop that sense of knowing who we are, we develop a sort of shield against what doesn’t fit, what doesn’t resonate with us.  We create a place of inner guidance we can trust and rely on.  It’s an inner security so to speak.  With Inner Security, the Insecurity goes away.  We lean on our knowing more than other people’s opinions, we rely on ourselves. 

My friends, we spoke last week of 20 seconds of insane courage and this is one of those moments.  Those 20 seconds can be spent asking the question about how to rely on ourselves, asking what we really want, defining the life we want, what works for us, what our purpose is.  When we know those questions and we know what we value, the answers are easier and they don’t have a thing to do with worth.  We know we are worthy all along and we find our flow.  In life we have our own rhythm and nature is waiting for us to answer that call.  Trust and develop your inner security and no amount of insecurity can stop you.  Keep going.

Today I am grateful for play and rest.  I had this revelation the other day that I’ve been pushing too hard at too many things with little focus so I really haven’t yielded any results anywhere.  My body and mind are telling me it’s time to slow down and really figure out what’s going on.  I spent this weekend playing and relaxing and enjoying my time with my family.  I learned another new game, we laughed, we cuddled, we created.  All of that connection came from time together and from listening to what my soul needed.  Time moves so quickly, it doesn’t pay to wait for things to come another day—enjoy now because nothing is promised.  Find joy, find love both for and in our lives.  It makes all the difference as the answers become clear.

Today I am grateful for trying things a new way.  Every relationship struggles and the longer you are together, a little more maintenance is required.  I had a long conversation with my husband the other day about being tired of repeating the same day over and over again.  I expressed I was bored and I wanted to do something creative.  The very next day, some old patterns were brought to light and I realized that some things had been hidden from me.  Things I thought we were on top of turned out to be a bit further behind.  I fully own and admit that I would normally FREAK out and yell and scream and panic.  But this time I made a conscious effort to try it a new way.  If we want different results, we need to do different things.  I’m not sure how it’s going to turn out in the end but I have a feeling the result is going to be different this time around.  And I know for certain I felt better in the moment.  Less stressed.

Today I am grateful for seeing my life come together.  It is far from perfect but I can see the pieces of what I planted years ago coming together.  Things I dreamed of, spaces I envisioned having are coming together and it feels amazing.  Seeing things unfold feels slightly surreal and I still have a ton of anxiety about the future, but I’m working through some new steps and trying to be present.  I’m trying to do the work to find who I am at the core so I can feel more comfortable in my skin.  The closer I get to who I am, the more I see it reflected outside of me as well.  It isn’t a comfortable place, like at all.  But seeing the glimmers of things to come, having hope and faith, all makes it more manageable. 

Today I am grateful for my health and the opportunities to take care of myself.  This one never gets old for me and quite frankly I feel like I should share it every week.  Firstly I am grateful for acquiring an extremely reasonably priced set of weights to challenge my body and care for it in new ways.  Secondly, there is a lot to be grateful for with the body itself. It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful the body is.  Regardless of what it endures, it tries its best to protect itself and come back stronger.  I am grateful to breathe, to feel my heart beating, to know that my organs are functioning.  I love what my body can do and I love learning to feel more at home in my skin.  When it comes to my health, I am so grateful that overall I am very healthy.  I love the practices of nourishing my body and making sure I feel well.  I love listening to my body and listening is KEY.  The body keeps the score indeed and the answers we need lie within it.  I am grateful to hear those answers.

Today I am grateful for the little things that make me happy and leaning toward joy.  I adore hearing my son laugh. I love seeing my husband smile.  I love my entire family and all the people and fuzzy creatures in it. I love my books and my writing.  I love my office and the work I do in here—especially the way the light flows in this beautiful space. I love my little home gym and what I can do with my body.  I love our entertainment space and our family space and my bathroom.  I love helping people find their way.  I love instilling belief in people even when they don’t believe in themselves.  I love finding purpose and helping others find their purpose.  I love to daydream. I love to create.  I love figuring it out.  I love having fun and playing games and singing and dancing and moving my body.  I love communicating and bringing people together.  I love setting a mood and a theme.  I love getting more comfortable with the creative, divine flow in me.  There is so much more.  Taking the time to find what I love has changed me in that I see there is always something beautiful happening.  Joy is an amazing indicator of where we should go.  Trust that instinct every time.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I’m still working through Schuster’s Glow in the F*cking Dark and I was compelled to discuss a tool she uses—I will call it The Four Whys.  Schuster uses this in terms of identifying rituals that serve us on our road to self-realization/improvement etc.  One of her steps is about finding the why behind the action but I love her steps of taking four whys to really get to the core of it.  We all know the why is what keeps us going but I loved the concept of digging deeper to really identify the root. It was similar to her emotion wheel and learning to find what was really underneath the initial feeling.  I find the psychology behind it fascinating because we are so reactive and so trained that a certain action requires a certain response that the idea of taking the time to identify what we really feel, what we really want and why changes the game.  There are certain emotions you may not really be feeling—something you thought bothered you really doesn’t or something you thought DIDN’T bother you does.  It changes the game when we know what’s really happening.

Regardless, the process of the four whys is simple: ask yourself why as you get a response to the question at least four times.  Schuster’s example is this, “The reason I started journaling was because other people told me it would be beneficial for me.  Why? Because they were worried about me.  Why? Because I was out of control.  Why?  Because I hated myself,” Tara Schuster, Glow in the F*cking Dark.  This technique can be applied to anything: why we do something, why we want something, why we feel something, why we stick with something, why we can’t finish something.  By the time you dig down to four whys, the truth is solid.  And if we want to move forward, we need the truth.  When we know our truth, we know which way to go.  We know the direction and it’s much harder to be deterred.  There is something to be said for that internal guidance system.    

After our discussion on gaslighting, I think building a tool box of ways to strengthen our inner knowing and our ability to trust ourselves is so important.  We are in a society that simultaneously tells us we are wrong for feeling what we do and that we are never wrong for feeling how we do and it has created mass confusion.  It has created a society that points blame rather than seeks the truth or the source of the issue.  The more in touch we are with our whys, the less likely that is to happen.  Our whys not only give us direction they give us foundation.  It’s important to get to that root, it’s important to ask those questions, it’s important to probe, it’s important to have perspective, and it’s important to work together to arrive at a mutual conclusion.  It isn’t about right or wrong, it’s about what’s right for us as individuals and how that contributes to the collective.  

I don’t recall when I wrote the piece on gaslighting but it’s such a relevant term today, I need to revisit this topic.  I’m both blessed and cursed with an amazing long-term memory (LTM)—my short-term (STM) has suffered the last few years and I’m not entirely sure if it it’s hormonal/stress related, if I have too much information up there, or if there is some other issue.  Regardless, I’ve developed a habit of questioning myself and my version of events when it comes to my STM and people around me know it.  I will remember enough detail to give me pause about what really went down, but not enough to be sure that something else didn’t happen if people tell me about it.  Like they can slip in an extra detail or switch the words slightly and I won’t be 100% sure that it wasn’t the case.

I bring this up because I can’t stand gaslighting, intentional misunderstanding of direction, playing dumb, people who try to make you look bad, and not being understood—especially those who intentionally misunderstand.  Don’t get me wrong, I partially understand where this comes from because we live in a society where we would rather assign blame or we’ve been blamed for things that legitimately aren’t our fault and then told it doesn’t matter.  While assigning blame isn’t the end all and be all, I am one of those people who believes that we need to know the source of the issue otherwise we’re just band-aiding.  I’m also one of those people who feels like we shouldn’t have to clean up after others and if it’s our responsibility then we need to step up.  No one likes it, I don’t like it, but we are human and learn from our mistakes.  We need to stop holding mistakes over people’s heads.

I digress.  There is a mental component to gaslighting that we don’t talk about: the actual damage to the person being gaslit.  That person no longer trusts their instincts, their memory, or their confidence and we know lack in those areas creates a person who becomes stuck.  I know because I’ve been stuck in an area that I can’t seem to unwind from nor can I make progress forward.  I’ve explicitly been told one area in particular is on life support when I’ve known that area is the key to opening additional doors, and I’ve been told to focus on an area that has needed help from the beginning but I’ve been given no direction on which way to go and then blamed for mistakes.  That is the definition of gaslighting—and even a little sabotage if that doesn’t sound too dramatic.  Living in that state makes any plan I have for the day irrelevant because the focus will immediately shift as soon as I get in—and that’s another tactic, quickly changing focus on someone or making them pivot their plans consistently enough that their plans become moot—and then asking why we couldn’t move forward.

It is SO important to remember your instincts in those moments.  I recently had a meeting with some upper level leadership and in a pre-meeting debrief was essentially told to only highlight my other areas, not the one that I knew needed focus.  I couldn’t do it—I had felt so defeated going into the meeting that I honestly didn’t care what happened so I ended up spilling a lot of information.  But an amazing thing happened: questions came about that area that I didn’t anticipate.  Hope was given because this leadership understood where I was going and I received confirmation that this area had never been mentioned before.  While it was scary, it was worth it.  In the post-meeting debrief I was told I needed to focus more on the wonderful work I’m doing when I had been told by the same person not 30 minutes prior how terrible things were.  Are you confused?  I sure as heck still am.          

Ultimately what I took away, however, was that had I not listened to my instinct in that meeting, I wouldn’t have gotten the information I needed.  I wouldn’t have showcased what needed to be shared.  I wouldn’t have demonstrated my talent and I wouldn’t have opened a conversation about potential.  We can’t allow people to make us question who we are.  I’m not saying there isn’t a time for debate because none of us knows the answers to it all, I’m not saying there isn’t a time when discussion is warranted.  Discussion, not someone being so critical they undermine you.  That’s the mark of an insecure person and they often disguise it as being helpful.  Always trust your instincts and don’t allow anyone to make you feel less-than because you feel differently. Keep tight to your knowing and trust yourself—you can still be open to input/feedback, but don’t diminish your ability to discern the situation.  

As I’ve gotten older I’ve thought even harder about time.  I’ve thought about where I am and where I want to be and even about where I could or should have been.  When I was younger I never had one of those driving goals around who I am like, “This is what I want to do with the rest of my life.”  So I really didn’t pursue much of anything and I’ve spent a lot of time asking permission.  I’ve spent a lot of time waffling with indecision and fear and insecurity.  I’ve spent a lot of time trying to fix others and to fix myself.  I’ve spent the most time playing it safe, trying to please and appease everyone, to find my worth in my ability to deliver what anyone wanted.  All I wanted to was acceptance, for someone to tell me I was good enough, that they were happy/grateful for my presence.  Not that I wanted them reliant on me, but I wanted them to feel the weight of me, to grant and acknowledge that I had worth—and that was something I nearly never experienced from my peers.

Now that this time thing is constantly running through my head and that it has changed meaning, I realize I know longer have the drive, energy, or desire to keep running around the mountain asking for validation or approval or permission.  I’m not sure I have a clue how to begin the ascent versus the run, but I know I need to.  This may be another one of those pause to gain perspective and take stock things we talked about.  But every instinct in me is screaming that this is no longer it.  That I need to simply be here and figure it out.  And that I need to go against every instinct I have and stop moving.  I need to stop moving and put down the weight of what was never mine to carry.  I need to see, hear, and feel, and navigate every sense to know what the next step is.  This is the time to pause and breathe before taking the next step.  I can’t force action any longer because that’s all it is: activity.

Right in the middle of this ongoing existential crisis, a came across a familiar but long since viewed quote: “All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage for you to change your life,” Benjamin Mee.  It is courageous thing to stop as much as it is to go.  It’s a courageous thing to appreciate the opportunities we have and as courageous to decide to pursue one.  It’s courageous to stop following what you’ve been told and to take action on your own.  No, it isn’t about increasing activity, it’s about taking the right action.  It means stop over-explaining everything.  Get clear, not defensive.  Speak plainly, not in riddles.  Make the choice.  When you stop the running, when you find your peace, you find your place and your time to move forward.  The answers reveal themselves.  Time becomes irrelevant when you live on purpose, with intention.  THAT is where the peace is. Peace isn’t nestled in someone else’s definition of life, it’s in your own.

I’ve known that something has been off for a while with several of my relationships at work but one person has been VERY skilled at making it seem like it’s my fault.  I knew I did nothing wrong.  Information had been kept from me, there were things I didn’t even know I needed to learn because they were never shared, conversations and action were taken behind my back and then brought forward as if they did me a favor, or worse, that I didn’t want to take the responsibility—a responsibility I often didn’t know was mine.  I knew in the end that these things were being held against me and being interpreted as I didn’t want to do my job or that I was incompetent when the reality is that a simple knowledge transfer didn’t happen.  Had we focused on that transfer and level set expectations (or even just set expectations) at the beginning, none of this would be an issue.  So the question raised in my mind, “What purpose would it serve to make me appear this way?  What purpose would it serve for these people to have it seem like they did it all?”  The first thing that came to mind was they want to get rid of me—and that was followed up with a why?

The truth is I’ve never been compliant.  I’ve never been complacent for things that don’t make sense.  I’m the type of person who wants to go in and make it better for everyone.  I’ve never believed that one person should have to sacrifice for someone else to benefit and I sure as hell have never thought that anyone needed to suffer simply to make someone else feel better (IE a customer has a complaint and the staff need to take the abuse for an unreasonable request).  I’ve always believed we need to stand up for ourselves and that we need to do what makes the most sense all around—not just for one party whether the business, the staff, the customer etc.  There is a way to benefit all parties involved.  And quite frankly sometimes there ISN’T.  Sometimes we have to simply follow rules or designs meant to keep people safe or it is meant to keep people equitable.  In general, however, your poor planning doesn’t constitute my emergency so do not expect me to clean up or disrupt my life because you didn’t plan in time.  Also, don’t make me take the time to plan through something you’ve already got set in your mind only to tell me it needs to be different—that’s just obnoxious and rude and a waste of time.

None of those things make me a good employee.  They make me a creative leader who finds ways to get it done and my role is a leader.  I’m impulsive and I move forward quickly (once I make a decision that is) and if we have a goal I’m going to meet it and I will do it in the most expeditious way possible because there needs to be time for creative energy elsewhere.  I’m not going to sit here and find new ways to creatively analyze a workflow for a team that truly doesn’t belong where it’s been held—again, waste of time.  And if you’re not going to tell me how it should be done, then I’m going to figure out a way to get it done with what I know.  Again, I’m not a mind reader, I’m not going to waste time figuring out how you want it if you don’t tell me—communication is key.  So with these pieces in place I realized, they didn’t know how to handle me and it was their attempt at covering their asses in how they thought things needed to appear.

I’m not a perfect person, far from it, but I’m bold and I’m honest to a fault.  I will have the difficult conversation when I know in my heart what’s right regardless of who it’s with.  I don’t give a damn about your title, the title is especially who I want to talk to.  Just because you’re scared to speak with that person doesn’t mean I am.  WE are all human, including that title, so there is no point spinning the wheel about what that person might think or thinking we have to behave a certain way because of their title.  You’ve never had a complete experience of that person and often times what you interpret is that person’s expectations are way off.  Just because you’ve had an experience with that person doesn’t mean my experience has been or will be the same.  In fact my experience of that person is the total opposite so I’m going to approach it differently regardless.  The non-compliance, the boldness, the impulsiveness make me dangerous in this environment.  What I’ve learned from that however is this: do it anyway.  I am who I am and I know that I don’t know it all.  I know I don’t know how other people will react but I do know that in order to find out we need to have the conversation.  My instinct is to share and that has always served me well.  I will not let this situation scare me out of continuing to do that and I want you to know to follow your instinct as well.  

Continuing on with being where we are and honoring our path/timeline, I had a revelation at work the other day.  To put it on context, I’ve been having these feelings of needing to be somewhere else so often that I am literally never settled in my skin—I’m always wanting to be somewhere else and the ADD brain doesn’t help because I’m constantly squirreling off on some other venture in my mind, thinking I need to be doing something other than what I’m doing right now—it makes the moment very hard to appreciate.  Regardless, I had the beautiful citrus revelation the other day and I was trying to continue that presence when I realized I’m trying to live four lives at once.  I have multiple ventures, multiple goals all going at the same time and none of them can move forward because none of them have the attention they require.  An overwhelming wave of sadness/ease came over me as I realized I need to work on calming my mind.

As soon as I had that revelation about calming my mind, the impact of living this way truly hit me.  I thought I’d been proactive at attempting to keep all facets of my life in the air, trying to make a decision about what future me was going to secure and experience.  All I’ve done is continue to run the circles we’ve discussed numerous times here.  It simultaneously hit me that sometimes the thing we are running from is what we need in the moment.  And it’s true—I thought I’d been running from my job because of the conflict it creates in my life and I had stopped looking at what it was teaching me.  Especially with the difficult interpersonal dynamics, all I wanted to do was get away from that space.  It also hit me that there could still be a purpose to being there—it does keep a roof over my head, food in my belly, and provides for my family.   The latter part made me realize that it’s ok to be there.  This is simply where I’m at now, there are opportunities now (although some have been hidden from me), and the things I have to do in the moment may serve me in the end.   

I have a tendency to look for security everywhere I go—I know most people do, but it’s pathological for me.  I need to feel safe and that goes back to not trusting my instincts because I couldn’t trust most of those close to me when I was young and I doubted everything I ever did.  Knowing yourself and trusting your gut and honoring who you are in this moment will definitely help you hone your instincts.  So many people try to talk us out of who we are—or worse they try to gaslight us out of who we are.  It’s so easy to fall into the trap of feeling insane when you deal with these people on a daily basis.  But if we can at least trust we are meant to be where we are, the world slows down just a bit.  Sometimes we need to take our foot off the gas and look around to reorient ourselves and take stock of what’s happening.  It’s enough to be where we are.  We don’t need to be striving or fighting to get where we think we need to be.  We simply need to BE.  There is no shame in calming the mind or taking stock of the present circumstances.  We often think we need to produce our way into the life we want or to prove ourselves into worth.  All we need to do is take care of ourselves and those around us.  Honor our health, our minds, our bodies, our experience and those of those closest to us and it falls into place.  All it takes is being here, not 100 steps ahead.  Where we are is ok.