Today I am grateful for learning to appreciate what I have.  The last several years have shown me the important things in life.  I allowed myself to get so caught up in creating an image from the idea of what I wanted in life that I never lived it.  I was trapped in a time where it was appropriate to make decisions about myself but living a very middle age adult timeline.  The disconnect between where I was at and where I wanted to be grew the longer stayed believing in was in the past with endless amounts of time to decide how to make a life.  I’ve already made a life.  I didn’t want to deal with the reality of aging parents, ill family members, my own mortality, illness in my own home so I trapped myself and made myself a child in so many ways.  I threw fits if I didn’t get what I wanted, I felt unappreciated and demanded respect from people that frankly didn’t matter whether or not they respected me.  I hid the truth of who I am for the sake of projecting an image and being liked by the very people I brought together.  Now that I’ve learned to face the issue of mortality (in some ways) and I’ve learned to detach my life from those around me, I’ve seen the true power in what I’ve created.  Sure, it’s messy and disjointed because I wasn’t super clear on a lot of things, but it’s impressive even if it’s chaotic.  So imagine the truth of what comes from true clarity and applying that energy.  I appreciate what I have because I know I didn’t do this on my own and I appreciate it because I know there is more to come from it and that I can share this with others. 

Today I am grateful for a change of pace.  I’ve been working from home for 8 months now and I wouldn’t change it for the world—it’s been life changing for me in so many ways.  Sure, there was more of a learning curve than I thought but it’s been amazing.  And now that I have the hang of what a day can look like, it’s even better than I could imagine and I love it.  With that being said, it can still get a little lonely not interacting directly with people every day.  So I took a few days to go back into the office and meet with people.  It’s amazing how the commute feels entirely different when you don’t have to do it every day and when you’re literally under no pressure to be a certain place at a certain time.  Seeing people and interacting in person with those I care about made all the difference in the week.  I got to speak with friends I don’t see much of anymore, I got to get work done on a different schedule, and I didn’t have to stick around for any specific time.  It solidified what I hoped for in taking back my time—because it is my time and I don’t need to have it dictated by anyone else.  In the same breath, it was wonderful to change things up and move the day along a bit by interacting with people and changing up the environment a little bit.  Certainly not something I will do every day but it’s a wonderful option to have. 

Today I am grateful for seeing through the cracks.  We are truly fortunate to be where we are and I don’t deny that for a second.  We have everything we need and we don’t have much to worry about.  That doesn’t mean there aren’t pitfalls like human drama and pettiness, which in the grand scheme of things, if that is the worst of it so be it.  However, I’m seeing how those toxic human traits of drama and pettiness can ruin the most beautiful of things.  While at my son’s most recent school event, I had to deal with a bit of the crap from last year in regard to interacting with some parents.  A friend came up to me during that event and told me she had a parent confront her about her son “stealing” a particular item from a video game—and that is the point of the game—STEAL is literally in the title.  I mean, we are at the point with this location where people expect everyone else to take responsibility for their actions and to be ok with it.  I would love to have a solid foundation somewhere but there are parts much like that that make me realize we don’t have as tight nit of a community as I thought we did.  There is such a lack of accountability for things it’s almost uncomfortable.  The thing is, while they are just cracks for right now, these are things that lead to bigger issues.  We are fortunate because we are at the point where we can either choose to repair them or we can choose to leave. 

Today I am grateful for taking a stand.  As a continuation of seeing through the cracks, this specifically references the fact that there are some things we just can’t fix, not because we CAN’T, but because the other people involved won’t let us.  I’ve realized that I do not need to ingratiate myself any further with begging for forgiveness for something I didn’t do.  I do not need to take responsibility or accountability for someone else’s actions.  I’ve done my part in apologizing, expressing myself, and talking through everything that happened and I already have one child—I do not need to act as mother to everyone else to make them play nice nor do I have any ownership over another adult’s actions.  To still have the other parties involved icing me out after that communication (where apologies and open conversation happened) and apparent “forgiveness” (or at least a start to mend the relationship in some cases) tells me that we are very much not ok and that there is still some level of expectation of my behavior, some final conquest or test to prove my “belonging” in the very group I brought together.  This is coming from grown adults with children—yet these adults still behave as children.  So, I had the realization that there is truly nothing left I need to do.  I’ve done my part and if they chose to not return to be a part of my life then so be it.  I do not need to beg to be seated at a table I built—I can either build another one or I can clear the settings.  They’ve chosen to walk away so it’s time to take the latter course and simply move on.  And I am ok with that.  I will not spend the rest of my life trying to jump through hoops looking for approval from people who would just as soon turn their backs.  I’m fine right where I am.    

Today I am grateful for starting anew.  My husband and I have been playing pool again and I’m pretty awful at it—He’s had a near lifetime of playing and my only experience has been since we got this table a few years ago.  But I’m competitive and I like to get things right, especially when I understand something conceptually.  I want to be able to carry it out.  To clarify, I don’t care if I win against him, I expect myself to be able to hit the mark I’m aiming for—I’m more competitive with myself these days.  We’ve had some really good nights and I’ve had some incredibly frustrating nights where it seems like I’m always on the edge of “almost” but never quite making the shots I want to.  Now, with my dramatic brain, of course I equate that to many circumstances in my life (reliving all the almosts) so there are some nights that are rough for me.  But I noticed a pattern in this last rough round. I’ve had attachment issues and fears of losing people my entire life and it was after a visit with my parents that didn’t go so well that I really had a rough night at playing pool.  It hit me that I still let them put me in situations where I have to bend my life around theirs and I’m still not on my own timeline.  I had read something about the difference between women and girls in regards to their responses and it said something to the effect that women operate in their time (ie not jumping to respond to texts/calls when they’re in the middle of something they need to do—obviously emergencies are the exception—they don’t let other people’s perceived emergencies interrupt their plans) while girls jump to everyone else’s demands and I nearly fell apart.  I had this idea I needed to be excellent at pool and was failing all while jumping to EVERYONE’S whims.  Once that realization hit me, I knew it was time for me to review how I approached things.  I don’t need to wait to choose how to live my life until everyone else is settled and on their way.  So I started over, right then and there and realized my choices are mine. I just needed the reminder

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.