Another confession time: there are times I’m not sure I’m a very good person and I fear where I went wrong in my relationships.  I mean, the argument could be made that no one is truly a good person and we all feel that way at times but I wanted to dive into this.  I’ve sought acceptance nearly every day of my life, proving my worth practically from the moment I was born.  That habit led me to do things I’m not proud of in order to gain acceptance.  I often made myself look like a desperate fool trying to show people I was malleable and fluid and could be exactly what was needed no matter what.  If I look back and really look at all the relationships I had that failed, I’m the common denominator.  Throughout childhood, the people who helped me most were often the first ones I cut out.  I fought furiously to get the acceptance of those giving me a hard time (so they would stop giving me a hard time) and it so often looked like I was playing both sides—and there were times I was.  That wasn’t done out of any malice, that was done because I truly am able to see and relate to both sides.  Regardless.  The people who I wanted to accept me often turned around and abandoned me while the people who actually accepted me called me on my crap.  I fell into the trap of taking people for granted—I always assumed those closest to me would forgive me no matter what and I know there were circumstances where I really hurt people.  Instead of owning it, I doubled down and made excuses for hurting them and cut them out.  I equated them with those truly trying to use me.

Because of my own guilt, I destroyed valuable relationships and I fear that I may have done so relatively recently so I’m not so sure this habit is entirely “cured.”  But here’s the thing: I constantly spent my time trying to control and fix everything around me because I didn’t know how to acknowledge and accept my own mistakes.  I didn’t know how to keep my nose out of other people’s business because I didn’t know how to apologize for my own short comings and mistakes.  I struggled in other relationships, accepting far less than I deserved for so long because I thought I didn’t deserve anything else.  I covered the entire thing in band-aids, desperately trying to keep things together and ended up severing a lot of other ties along the way as well.  In that regard, I had to learn to stop trying to fix everything because in fixing things I was making more work for everyone else.  And I still wasn’t fixing what needed to be fixed—my shitty attitude and propensity to cut people out.  Also the proclivity toward rejecting responsibility that others thought was mine—in some cases it legitimately wasn’t (like if you have a problem with my husband, you need to take it up with him, do not use me assuming I will manage his behavior).  Guilt is not a good motivator and it leads us to do some crazy things through clouding our judgement.  This is where the question of whether or not I’m a good person comes in and those relatively recent events I mentioned with several other relationships. 

My home is filled with evidence of my friends, of people who clearly understand me in the form of little gifts and keep sakes.  They see the nuances that make me, me and they’ve seemingly supported that.  They were there for some of those moments I took life too seriously and was over-dramatic and seeking attention and they still stuck around to help me fix things.  But when things started getting out of hand, they never once approached me to tell me what I was doing bothered them—or what it even was.  So that raised the other question for me that if someone is so generous with their time and effort, does that automatically make them good?  How much do we owe people who give us things but still treat us like crap?  How do we keep relationships with people who are kind but don’t care?  When I started to get my health back, I faced a lot of shit from the group up to and including them being at my house every day after work wanting to drink while I was working on giving up alcohol and working out.  And they gave me shit for it.  But when the other neighbors decided to do the same, that individual was praised to high hell and respected.  They trashed my business to potential customers while supporting the other person’s business as well.  So was this ego on my part, or some type of jealousy?  When I lost family, I was basically told sorry that sucks while when others lost family, people rallied around them.  How would I not notice that and question the relationship?  Are those the types of relationships we try to fix?  Do I somehow owe them something because of the closeness we used to share?

No one is perfect and I certainly never claimed to be.  But I am well aware of the mess that happens when trying to put things back together.  I know the energy and effort of picking up all the pieces and squeezing them as tight as we can just hoping things will somehow go back to how they were before. Over correcting something can make it all the worse.  I have been overly accountable for things in my life, perhaps as a sort of penance for my personal life, and I have a great appreciation for those who also take accountability. It’s only when we communicate openly and acknowledge where things went wrong, no matter where they went wrong, that we can get to the root and fix it.  And, as much as I hate to admit it, there are certain things that just can’t be fixed.  No amount of will is going to correct it.  Just because something falls apart doesn’t mean we are somehow wrong or unworthy—sometimes it has simply run its course and we have played our part in it—our part is finished.  There are infinite stories in this universe and we only get to tell one of them and, in living that experience, we will all step in some shit every now and then.  We just can’t blame the person closest to us for putting it in our way.  Sometimes we have to just admit that we didn’t see it, clean it up, and move on.  Sometimes we have to let the pieces lie where they are and walk away.  That is no indication of our character.  How we show up after the break says all we need to know, even with little imperfections showing all the way.  So maybe it isn’t about being a good person.  Maybe it’s just about accepting that little bit of dark we all have and giving it a chance to see the light.