Today I am grateful for the opportunity to learn my own rhythms.  I was so stuck on a specific pattern, a specific way of working that I’d get lost in what needed to be done, trying to force specific things at specific times.  Like, work was only between x and y time, shopping was done on that day of the week, sleep was at this time etc. etc.  In my new role, I’d get frustrated at first responding to certain things outside of work hours until I had a real conversation with my boss and understood that we aren’t obligated to be attached to the computer 24/7 and that we are allowed to get things done for our personal life during work hours if we need to work on some work things on a not-so-standard time.  I don’t know why it took so long for that to click for me because it’s what I’ve wanted for years now.  I looked at the available time from no longer commuting as the opportunity when the reality is, my entire day, every day has been opened up by looking at my 24 hours differently.  I can answer my body with what it needs when it needs it.  It’s fine to step away and take care of an appointment, it’s ok to step away and bring your kid to school, it’s fine to respond to an email super early and check on it later in the day—not everything needs our immediate response. Not being attached to our phones doesn’t mean we’re unprofessional—it means we value life.  I’ve been reminded a lot of enhancing the value of life through prioritizing life.  That means flowing with our own rhythm, following our own beat.

Today I am grateful for a reminder to relish the time we have.  We lost a long time family friend a few weeks ago and, as with any loss, there’s a hole when someone important is taken from us.  In sharing our stories, we all came to the conclusion that this person never once seemed sad or mad about anything. Ever.  In my time with them (which was nearly my entire life) I don’t think I ever saw him without a smile and a laugh.  What really hit with this loss was the fact that we, now more than ever, need to be present with those we love.  We need to take the time we have with those we love.  This morning I knew I had work to do since I’m behind on a few things for a couple of different projects so my anxiety was already high while I was just waking up.  I normally would have slipped out of bed and just started working but my husband wasn’t feeling well and he pulled me back into bed with him and just held me close.  It hit me in that moment, thinking of the loss we’re dealing with, all the change we’re dealing with, the changes in our lives as we’re getting older, that this is the only moment we have.  I don’t want to look back and wish I had taken more time to lay in bed with my husband when I had all the time in the world to do so but I opted not to because of other work I needed to do.  So instead of rushing to get up and get going, I stayed in bed for a few more minutes and appreciated our time together.  Nothing else matters but the time we have together now.

Today I am grateful for trying new things.  Getting in a new groove and finding something that works takes time and it takes experimentation and openness and curiosity.  It means finally putting down any story we’ve told ourselves and stepping into something new.  I’m not delusional about where I’m at in life but at the same time I feel like I’m not here—I feel younger than I am and I’ve portrayed myself as younger than I am, allowing distraction to take precedence over priority, allowing my emotions to run the show.  Sometimes that emotion is shrouded in a layer of insecurity and fear so deep that we don’t even know it’s fear or insecurity.  But something clicks and we realize that we have all the time in the world once we put away all that crap, all the things we use to take away from the life we want.  Even it it’s as simple as buying new makeup or talking about things we haven’t before as a couple or trying to learn new things/improve on things we currently have in our lives or things we enjoy.  We’re older now, things ARE different.  We aren’t meant to be doing the same things we were as kids/teenagers if that isn’t who we are.  The dreams of what things were, where they are somewhat familiar and we’re in a spot we know but that isn’t quite the same, that’s what it feels like and that’s when it’s time to step out and stop repeating the cycle.  Just do it.    

Today I am grateful for the real relationships in my life.  For such intelligent creatures we tend to be pretty stupid about our relationships—well, I know I was.  We’ve all made mistakes about trusting the wrong people or we’ve tried to impress the wrong people or we’ve prioritized the wrong people—and we’ve all made fools of ourselves at some point.  There are people who stick with us no matter what and I am beyond grateful for those who have stuck with me.  I grew up with a very strong sense of loyalty—those people who took care of us, those who stood by us, those who helped us were the ones we took care of and there was nothing we wouldn’t do for those people.  I was reminded of that two-fold yesterday.  I received a text at random from my best friend that she loved me and she appreciates me, which, while I KNOW she loves and appreciates me, is not something she says often if we aren’t in the middle of a call.  I’ve been friends with her for 36/37 years now so I’m well aware of how she feels, that isn’t the point, I just know how she expresses herself and that isn’t the way she normally does it—she even said so herself.  Regardless, reading her message meant the world to me and it was a special moment to have her open up like that.  This is a person who I’m with until the end, and I’ve always been over the top with sharing my emotions like that, so it meant a lot to have her express hers as well.  The difference in my relationship with her and the people I considered friends is VAST.  The same is said for her and the people she thought were friends as well.  I hate being so far from her, and because we know each other so well, we didn’t spend a lot of time talking with each other daily/weekly for a long time and we’ve since made the choice we need to spend more time talking and that has changed everything and made us even stronger together.  I am grateful to have someone like that with me.    

Today I am grateful for strengthening my relationship with my husband.  These last few months have been a roller coaster with him because of some of the health challenges he’s been facing.  We’re dealing with middle-age, family history, the habits around not being fully open about what’s happening, fears of life and death, and what it means to be in a relationship.  My husband has always been the type of person to do what he pleases when he pleases—I don’t need to get into too much of that history but it had a lot to do with upbringing and not wanting to be controlled and a gross example of what it meant to be in a relationship.  On top of that type of upbringing/understanding, we’ve never been this age before so we weren’t entirely sure what we were dealing with or how to behave with each other.  The other night we had a long conversation about our insecurities—the first time he’s ever admitted anything about being insecure and my first time pin pointing what caused me to be insecure as well.  We didn’t dismiss each other’s fears, we simply talked through them and we actually spent the time to reassure each other that the things we each felt insecure about were of no consequence/bother to the other.  Like, the things we worry about don’t bother the other at all.  We just want to be together.  So we can simply be together.  Relationships change over time because we change and that is simply the way of life—and it’s fine.  As long as we know we’re in it together, that’s all that matters, and now, I feel, like we are 100% on the same page about that.  I’m grateful because this is an opportunity to develop what really matters to us, to really create something together.  Put aside the crap about who is controlling whom and simply be together and do the things we wanted to.     

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.