Just a brief follow up to hold myself accountable to growth.  My husband and played pool the other night.  We haven’t done that in a long while and I’m not very comfortable with it as it isn’t something I did much before.  Sure, we’ve played together and I think I have a few pieces I wrote about it, but it’s been a long time.  I’m about to embarrass myself again, but here it goes—I struggle with the game in the most selfish fashion possible that I’m letting go of. I struggle with the game because it reminds me of his life before me and the habits from that time he brought into our life together that hurt me.  It took a lot for me to admit a trigger like that could still knock me down.  It’s ridiculous to think about it, but there was real pain in it.  Playing games like that with him also shows me how good he is at these things (which I don’t begrudge) and triggers my insecurities that I’m not good enough—I’m too short, too uncoordinated, etc.  That is NOT a him problem in any way—that is the stuff I need to heal. Regardless, we played together and something came over me.  I slowed down and focused on where I was and all that crap running through my head stopped.  I reminded myself that I had felt that way when learning to play darts as well, and all the times I got angry served absolutely nothing.  It hit me like a brick that I didn’t have to let that anger or fear run over me, I didn’t need to repeat that pattern.  So I didn’t.  I was in control and I stayed that way. I accepted where I was at both in my life and in skill level and it changed the perspective.  I didn’t get angry at all and we had a good time. We are no longer those kids doing dumb crap to hurt each other—we are married and have a child together, a home, and none of that crap matters because we are here now. I ended yesterday’s piece talking about being patient with me while I get back to the basics and this was a real time example of doing just that.