Today I am grateful for a kick in the ass.  There’s a time and a place where we simply have to cut the bullshit and do what we need to do.  I had a moment of understanding this week, not from anything negative that happened, but from realizing the degree of change I’m trying to implement in my life requires work—a lot of work.  I have taken on a lot of commitments and, when I agreed to most of them, I chose to do them on my own.  I’ve learned some of those things I will need to follow through on and I will have to follow through because I agreed to them no one else.  This isn’t a matter of feeling sorry for myself, this is a matter of being comfortable with the life I’ve chosen and agreed to.  And I’m proud of that.  I’m happy to be able to do what I do and, yes, it gets in credibly overwhelming and lonely at times, but I know that won’t last forever.  I know the longer I sit in the overwhelm, the worse it will get, so it’s better to just take it apart piece by piece and move forward.  The fact that I can is a gift.  I can’t say it isn’t lonely and I can’t say it was the smartest choice to do it all alone like that, but it certainly is an adventure.

Today I am grateful for understanding rest.  I wrote about this many times before but this is a different type of lesson.  So I wrote above about just having to do what I agreed to do and accepting it—and I stand by that . But what I didn’t look at before was the fact that I had previously taken it on as punishment, as if I had to do the work all the time until the job was done, like be available 24/7 with no focus on anything else until the job was done.  That’s when the to-do list became a life line instead of a tool.  I couldn’t survive without knowing what to do next because I was so overwhelmed with the length of it (I’m not exaggerating when I say it was pages long every day).  That’s when it hit me that I was working to rest and not resting to work.  Something I’m sure I’ve preached yet not practiced a million times.  When looking at the scope and extent of what I had to do it seemed like if I ever stopped it would just never get done.  Keeping up with the day to day felt impossible let alone everything else I had to do and the things I agreed to do.  There was little time for what I wanted to do even though that was the avenue I was banking on to get me into the life I wanted.  How would that happen if I never did anything in that arena?  It wouldn’t.  So I heard a lesson about rest being necessary to help us work as opposed to something we needed to earn.  I’m still not totally comfortable with it because I hate sitting around when there are so many things to do.  But I also know if I keep burning the candle like this, the candle won’t exist anymore.  We need rest—it’s not lazy to recharge. 

Today I am grateful for help and cooperation.  My husband very thoughtfully picked up a ton of salt for my parents because of the icy/snowy weather we’ve got right now.  he knew they’d had some issues and had run out of it so he picked it up without asking and we spent a few hours bringing it out to them and making sure all was well.  During that visit, my sister showed up and it felt like the whole of us were together in this making sure our parents have what they needed.  It’s such an awkward thing to transition to caregiver for those who took care of us, especially when we’re having our own mid-life crises and still trying to figure it out for ourselves, but it is so nice to have the shared support to get through it. And it feels wonderful for our parents as well, knowing that we are all there to help them, knowing we will be there when they call, knowing we want to do this for them.  It’s a hard stage in life and we have to support them as well as ourselves because we are all in this transition together.  It’s a whole new way to see the love in the family as we work to support those who cared for us. 

Today I am grateful for the brakes.  I’ve been absolutely miserable, stuck in my head, until about a week ago.  Full transparency, I still have some things to work through but I’m human and I’ll get to those eventually.  But what I’m grateful for is understanding now that there is something going on that leads me to this position where I really can’t do much. I HATE it, please don’t get me wrong, but I’m grateful to understand that there is likely a reason for it.  The way I’ve been going about things for the last several years have been incremental changes toward what I want to do and I’m proud of that but I think I’m at the point now where the leap needs to be bigger, the commitment deeper, the drive stronger to get where we want to go.  The other side of it is I think the universe has had it with my multi-directional shit where I don’t even know which way I’m going most days.  The universe is telling me certain things are NOT my priority right now and I really need to buckle down and focus on what matters.  I’m still sorting that out because what I thought was priority has been shifted again.  Even in the middle of scheduling the posts for this week, I lost an entire piece.  How the hell does that happen?  There is nothing more draining, maddening, terrifying, and saddening when you lose something you’ve worked on.  It means I have to pivot on what that was.  I understand now that the universe wants me to slow down even more and be even more intentional with what I do.  More focused.  It’s still frustrating but I have no choice in the matter.  So.  Perhaps I’ll take some time off and work on getting more of those things done. I could use the shift in gears to be honest.  I’ll keep going and understand what the reason is eventually.

Today I am grateful for alternatives.  I’ve learned a lot about alternatives this week.  I thought I had been pretty comfortable with pivots and shifting gears—even if I bitched about it or felt sorry for myself when crap went awry.  Sure, there were 100% things I was a stick in the mud about and tried to stand my ground for, but my life has taught me that doesn’t always work to get our way.  There are paths we have to take for a reason even if we aren’t sure why.  Alternative ways to get done what I need to get done.  Alternative ways to teach my child about responsibility in spite of his fits about it.  Alternative ways to get things done around the house.  Alternative ways to create more stability in the home.  Alternative ways to expend energy that don’t drive me insane.  Alternative ways to care for people even when I feel drained.  Alternative ways to rely on my own energy.  Alternative ways to focus on things and even alternative paths to take to get the job done.  Alternative ways to feel about what needs to be done so I’m not overwhelming myself in my own crap.  Alternative ways to let go of the emotional crap I’ve put myself through.  Alternative ways to move forward with those I love.  Alternative ways to care for those I love.  Alternative ways to listen to people and understand what they really need.  Alternative ways to focus and find a path to what I’m working toward.  Life is linear in only so many ways—we have options at nearly every turn, the grandest choose-your-own-adventure there is.  It’s time to consider all the alternatives and see where they bring us.  There are so many ways to do things and when the door clearly slams on something we are used to, even fi we thought it was working, there is another way, another lesson to learn there.  I’m still working that out, but I know that there are ways to get it done.     

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.