I don’t eat sea food, I grew up in the mid-west so I have no familiarity with fishing or crabbing traditions (and I don’t pretend to), but I heard a story that caught my ear the other day.  It said that when you catch the first few blue crabs and put them in the bushel, you need to put a wet towel over the bushel or they will climb out.  When you get a few dozen more crabs in there, you can remove the cover because they pull any crab back that tries to climb out.  They compared this to our relationships with those closest to us and continued stating these are some of the closest people around us—they aren’t against you, they just don’t want you to be so successful that they look bad so they find a way to keep you with them.  It makes them uncomfortable to see you doing anything that looks like you’re out of reach or doing something they aren’t familiar with.  The people who truly support us won’t pull us back.  They encourage and push us up and out and over the edge into whatever we’re trying to accomplish.

It can be tricky identifying the crabs in our lives because they always start out on our side.  They always start off seeming like they understand us and want what’s best for us.  They might spike little fear into our conversations or a little doubt but they don’t do anything to suggest they’d pull us back in.  But as we get closer to the edge, the tone of the conversation changes.  They insinuate things like we couldn’t do this(whatever we’re trying to do) without them or that we’re changing and they don’t know us anymore.  They place guilt in place of praise disguised as concern.  We all have a natural aversion to change in varying degrees, that is natural, it’s a defense mechanism.  When people start showing other interests or finding new people, it can lead to some feelings of abandonment.  But those who truly love and support us don’t hold us back for fear of their abandonment.  They understand our growth means their growth as well.  They have an opportunity to discover something new about themselves as well, whether in the same vein or not.

I’ve been through enough in my relationships with friends and people I considered friends over the last year to fully understand this behavior.  And here’s the thing, I ran both ends of the spectrum from allowing myself to be pulled back down into the crowd to being fully ostracized.  I’ve seen what it looks like when someone else’s fear of abandonment turns into ostracism of someone who truly cared for them.  I watched friendships be torched for the sake of someone’s opinion on the matter, for an inability to discuss what was really happening.  It bothered me for over 6 months and there are still twinges of it every now and then but hearing this story of the crabs and their behavior put it into perspective for me.  If you absolutely refuse to stay in the pot, even if you’re the one trying to bring everyone with you, they will push you out when they can’t pull you back in before they willingly walk with you.  Doesn’t matter how close they are either.  Be aware of the crabs in our lives and if we upset the bushel, don’t be afraid to walk or even crawl away when they decide we no longer serve their purpose.  Consider it a blessing that we missed getting caught in the net or snare set by people who said they loved us.  Their fate is not up to us—we get to save ourselves.