“Sometimes the healed version of you is meaner,” via She’s Magic and Midnight Lace.  I would amend the statement to, “Sometimes the healed version of you seems meaner.”  Perhaps it’s a bit of both.  The people who never hesitated to take advantage of kindness would say we’re meaner for setting boundaries.  It can be a shock to the system when we’re no longer available for what benefitted others.  Perhaps a shock for both their system and ours—they aren’t used to hearing “no” and we aren’t used to having that energy; transitioning into that healed version can feel a little unsettling at first.  We might even feel mean and question if we are doing the right thing.  That’s one of the biggest boundaries we have to set: the ability to say no to ourselves when we try to talk ourselves into old habits.  Identifying those dangerous thought patterns sooner gets easier with practice.  The reality is, I can’t say I’ve ever seen a genuinely caring person claim someone taking care of themselves by dealing with their crap was mean.  Those who really care will be thrilled to see us healing and maybe even excited at the prospect of that new version showing up. 

Healing runs an entire spectrum of emotions because we have to process everything that happened in order to actually heal.  That includes acknowledging what we actually feel.  Everything from sadness to betrayal to denial to bargaining to anger and acceptance.  Sometimes we go back and feel these things multiple times.  But one thing I’ve noticed in the healing process is, while people often say we change and sometimes even say that we are meaner, the reality of the emotion is entirely different.  When healing is complete, we hold a firmer boundary but feel softer inside.  We aren’t as hardened in protecting ourselves or as resentful because we’ve learned to maintain our space and express clearly what we will and will not tolerate.  We are softer because we’ve created a sense of safety  from within rather than relying on others to create it for us—we are softer because we have accepted all those parts of ourselves and we understand it’s that softness that gives us strength.  Authentic expression of self is key and, more often than not, that authentic version of ourselves isn’t on the same frequency they used to be so they don’t have space for the things and behaviors they used to accept.  That isn’t mean, that’s honest.  If my healing means sacrificing my space, sanity, or self-respect for your comfort, then we are not on the same wavelength   

Here’s the thing: people will always have an opinion about what we do and learning the lesson that what people think of us is none of our business is invaluable in this day and age.  It doesn’t matter what it’s about, people will always have something to say, and the fact that so many people have social media, everyone feels they’re entitled to share that opinion with no regard for others.  I mean, truth be told, it is their right to share as such, but that doesn’t make it true.  I’d also add that I spoke at length about people being entitled to an informed opinion rather than spewing garbage.  In either case, our healing is more important than their opinion of our healing.  That healing may create a new reality for other people and how they respond to that isn’t our responsibility. And whether we are meaner, perhaps firmer, it isn’t our responsibility to make them feel better about what’s good for us.  No one walks in our shoes to understand the extent of what pushed us to behave how we do and to understand what and how we need to heal—no one has the right to tell us what we need.  I would never encourage being mean for the sake of it but I will fully embrace doing whatever it takes to heal regardless of what people THINK about it—we get one life, do not feel guilty or ashamed for doing what we need to.