Today I am grateful for rest.  For the second time in five weeks I’ve been ill, this time to the point where I couldn’t get off the couch.  I’m enraged that this happened around the holidays (both Thanksgiving and Christmas) because I’ve tried my best to make this such a special time of year for everyone and it has completely fallen flat, especially for me.  But the point was received that I needed the rest.  The body and mind can’t exist in a perpetual state of “on” and sometimes it just smacks us upside the head.  Believe me, this was not without huge existential crisis over the last few weeks and bemoaning “why” this was happening now, but I understand that for whatever reason, I was not meant to participate in this round.  This entire year has felt like being behind the 8 ball, reacting to the crappy shots I’ve been set up for and wondering how the hell we got here.  Truth be told I’m ready to be on the other side of this and make moves forward.  As exhausting as 2024 was, 2025 came in and said, “Hold my beer, you haven’t seen left field yet.”  And it showed.  I could NOT keep up with anything and I tried.  So right now, whatever is happening, it’s definitely telling me that this is not my time to do anything.  So I will sit here for a while longer and be ready to move when it’s time.  That’s all I can do.

Today I am grateful for anger.  Ok, I hate anger.  I hate this feeling of being angry.  I hate the feeling of being caged, like no matter what I do, I can’t get out of this.  I hate not understanding how I’ve gotten here.  I hate feeling like I’ve done all I could, that I’ve done exactly as I was supposed to and somehow still ended up buried.  I hate feeling sorry for myself—and I will admit that I DO feel sorry for myself because I see where all my energy and effort goes and how often it isn’t received/returned/falls flat.  That may be incredibly selfish, and I can admit that too, because it comes across as demanding what I feel I’m owed.  But the truth is I AM angry and if I keep denying it, I will continue missing the point.  The point is multi-faceted and I understand that I can’t have expectations of what I’m supposed to get or what I’m owed.  I can’t have expectations of anything.  The anger exists because I’m expending energy thinking a certain thing will happen and it isn’t happening.  It exists because those results aren’t happening, but also because it is a lot of passionate energy directed toward a goal that just never seems to come true, that never seems to be enough energy to “make” it happen.  But lately I’m seeing that with all of this misspent energy, perhaps the point is I need a much deeper dive into what I really want to do and where I really want to spend my energy.  A real look at the motivation behind my actions.  My home environment was in shambles this year in an attempt to put things back together and it still doesn’t feel quite right.  So I know that I need to redirect my energy—because if I’m spending my energy where it feels right, this anger won’t exist.  So I am grateful for the reminder to redirect toward what is really me, because this anger is NOT who I am and I no longer need to carry it.   

Today I am grateful for new perspective on people’s behavior.  I see a lot of guilt in those around me.  People who suddenly act the hero (or who suddenly want to act the hero) because they aren’t in a position to help regularly suddenly feel the need to step forward and behave as if they have the right to make decisions as if they’ve been doing the work all along.  This has been a recurring theme for me.  I’ve done the work for years only for someone else to come along and take all the credit.  It sounds so egotistical, I know that, but this is another moment of needing to be honest.  Spending years building things whether it was an entire department for an organization, running a project single handedly, executing something flawlessly, fixing a project, helping people finish their work, taking care of those around me, I was the stepping stone for so many and I was left in the dust and treated as if I did nothing.  I was treated as if needed to be told what needed to be done, as if I needed to be told what HAD been done all this time—like I didn’t know the work that had already been put in.  I can’t tell if it’s ego in the sense of needing the credit or if it’s ego in the sense of I’m tired of my effort and work being dismissed or outright ignored.  Perhaps it’s both.  But I see the motivation for others to swoop in is also ego—they need to make themselves feel better for not putting in that effort for all that time.  There will come a time when the truth can’t be ignored.  The work we do, the work that really means something can’t be for attention.  So I will continue to do the work that feels right and that’s all I can do.  No matter what others do, I can only do what I’m meant to do and it isn’t for points. 

Today I am grateful for motivation.  I can’t reiterate strongly enough how challenging these last few months have been.  I’ve felt like I’ve been on my own, shooting in the dark, stumbling over everything.  I have hated feeling so inept and unkempt and afraid and confused and angry and I’ve realized none of that anger or confusion has helped me in any way.  It’s been additional wasted energy.    So I’m grateful that, at the very least, all that crappy energy has motivated me to step up in new ways and propel myself forward toward something new.  Truth be told it’s nothing like what I’ve been working toward before-this is really something else.  I feel parts of me falling away and I feel myself wanting to take action in new ways as well.  It’s been painful but exciting in some ways.  So at the very least, the silver lining in all this crap is that I am genuinely ready to move forward and humble myself where I need to and to advocate for myself where I need to.  I thought I’d done that before, but I’ve learned the difference now—the difference between real motivation and calling over want and demand in the moment.  Focus.  Drive. 

Today I am grateful for release.  I’ve struggled to let go my entire life.  I’m not ashamed of some of it because I’m a record keeper and I was able to keep a fairly objective stance on things that happened for a long time.  I preserved the memories and feelings of so many people for so long and I know that brought a lot of happiness to many of them.  It brought me happiness too.  A sense of safety.  But in the lessons I’ve received regarding behavior, motivation, anger, rest, and misspent energy, I see that I can’t been the carrier/source of all these emotions for everyone.  I can’t retain that type of baggage.  I can’t be all things to all people.  No one can do that.  These next few days, the last days of 2025 are for wrapping up, tying up loose ends, and letting go of the rest.  I no longer want to carry that type of burden or distraction.  It’s time to let go, it’s time to lean into what is, to offer acceptance for myself and others and believe what’s in front of me.  To let go of the crap and realize that the memory is what it is for people, they all see it how they want to, it isn’t my job to make anyone see things a certain way.  It’s my job to fulfill my role, my purpose.  What people do with that is their problem.  It’s time to welcome the new.   

Wising everyone a wonderful week ahead.