“The universe will never give you peace in something you were never meant to settle in,” unknown.  This is one of those quotes I felt in my bones.  For the last 6 months I’ve been recycling the sickening behavior of people we considered friends over and over. It’s repeated so much I’ve allowed it to infiltrate my home and even had me questioning whether or not we should stay here.  I’ve had conversations with source (albeit one-sided) asking to help fix it, to help me understand what went wrong.  I even asked why this pattern kept repeating.  I took ownership for my part in it as the common denominator in the circumstance and I heard nothing.  I thought with time that I would move on and feel more settled and come to peace with it.  Don’t get me wrong, I have to a degree.  But as the thoughts continue to surge and evolve, I’m realizing something: this started when I stopped playing their game.  This started because a boundary was crossed without any consideration for our feelings while the expectation was that we would obey whatever they said, and that we could read their minds.  Why am I fighting to be part of something that will only accept me if I change?  Why am I wanting to be part of something that doesn’t reciprocate?  Why am I trying to keep up with what they tell me to do for their benefit?  It hit me like a lighting bolt after reading this quote: the turmoil is still there because I’m trying to settle where I don’t belong.

This may not be a physical location—perhaps it is, the jury is still out on that part—but it is most certainly in regards to my state of mind and how I see myself.  How can I find peace in accepting what they did to us and trying to prove I’m worthy of those who don’t even understand me?  This isn’t what I’m meant to be doing and I’m cutting off my own wings trying to make people happy who don’t even know how to walk yet.  I say this not out of ego but out of understanding that we are simply in different stages in our lives and they may not have anywhere else to go yet—I do.  There’s no judgement in that either but the realization that I don’t have to stop my journey because they tell me to.  I’m not happy with this circumstance because I’ve gotten stuck in the mire created by those too selfish and blind to see they’ve peaked here or to understand what they’re asking of others.  I haven’t done everything perfectly but I know I am not meant to be held back by their opinions.  Or anyone’s opinion for that matter.  And I don’t want to settle anymore.  I don’t want to settle for what other people tell me is enough.  I don’t want to find contentment if I’m not fulfilling my potential or functioning in my purpose.  We can’t do that if we are in the wrong environment—physically or mentally. 

So in that vein, I also found this quote: “The universe will never give you peace in things that poison your light.  And that’s not cruelty.  That’s love dressed as a lesson waiting to set you free,” Annaya Mahale.  I recognize now that in dealing with these particular individuals I was operating in old habits.  I tried to prove I was the best friend, that I was good enough, that I was generous enough, that I could fit in with all of them.  I thought I was meant to fit in and it’s only now I’m seeing I was meant to stand out.  The people I thought were my friends, some of them close enough I considered them family, were spreading poison in my life, expecting me to dim my light to make them comfortable.  So it’s no wonder that I haven’t been able to find peace.  Even the act of trying to take the blame for these things is the old me.  I’m all about accountability but I see this group wanted me to take all the blame and that wasn’t the truth.  We find peace when we find ourselves even if that means going through some painful lessons.  Sometimes it takes a while to see where the poison is coming from or who is creating the storm.  And we are never meant to settle until we find what is ours.  We may be asking for peace on the hill when Source wants us to find peace on the mountain.  It can be difficult to push ourselves but once we learn to not settle for anything less than what we deserve, we fully understand that we won’t find true peace because that isn’t for us.