I want to preface this with clarifying and emphasizing that the work I’ve done over the last several years still stands and I still believe in it.  I still believe that we need to be the fullest expressions of ourselves—and I still believe it’s a relatively simple formula.  Yet, as we’ve talked about before, simple doesn’t mean easy.  SO.  The question becomes how do we reconcile what the world sees us as with who we are and when do we care enough to shift that course. 

I find it ironic that in a day and age where talk of acceptance/accepting people as they are that we still find niches where we demand people behave and become a certain way in order to be accepted.  I mean, I’m aware that at the end of the day, it’s up to us whether we conform to others’ expectations, but I don’t pretend that is an easy decision if the alternative is constantly going it alone.  It’s easy to say on the surface that we’d turn down those situations and walk away every time—but we all know our humanness will eventually tell us we need people. We start questioning if it’s really that bad to do what someone else needs from us even if we don’t receive the same.  We define doing the right thing by how happy others are.  There’s a time and a place for putting aside our own crap and simply doing what needs to be done whether we like it or not—but I want to be clear that there is also most certainly a time and place for us to call bullshit and put up the boundary for unfair/unrequited/inequitable treatment.  We get to decide who we truly are.      

We can go through our entire lives never bothering to change anything—some people do go through life like that.  They either have such a firm sense of knowing that they don’t worry about doing anything differently or they have enough faith that they simply don’t feel the need to fight whatever comes their way.  There’s nothing wrong with either mindset, to be honest.  Not everyone is so fortunate and some of us go through several iterations of self before we know who we are.  We’re human and we all go through tough times, some seasons are easier than others.  Do we get bitter or do we get better?  The difference is in the “I”—and I believe that too.  But the world sometimes tests us in ways that we don’t anticipate.  Sometimes it wants to see what we’re made of.  If we know who we are then why do we need to adapt to what the world tells us to be?  When do we make a stand and let the world go on as it is while we become who we need to be? We are intuitive creatures and the things that call to us, call for a reason.  Yet it’s always up to us if we decide to follow what we know or if we will bend to what we see, the pressure around us.

Perhaps this is some kind of midlife crisis scenario, a reckoning with what life means and where I’m at in that cosmic balance, a true test of what I believe. I don’t pretend to understand the way the world tests us or why, I don’t pretend that I’ve lived a bad life—but I know that there is something off at the same time.  It’s a life where the first button hole was missed—it still fits but not quite right.  We’ve all seen those people who stubbornly persist in doing what they want to do no matter the consequence to themselves or others, and I’ve started to ask why it’s acceptable for some to make such a firm stance while others get thrown in the wishy-washy mix.  I question why life is so fickle, why people’s attentions and desires are so malleable.  The  distraction we face is well known yet we do nothing about it—and we all become this pseudo version of who we are, alive but not fully.  Do we forego what we are supposed to do here on Earth for a chance to rise above in a later life?  Or do we risk eternity for a fulfilled life here?  I can’t say what death is like but I know what a life half lived feels like.  I know what it means to sacrifice what we want thinking a greater reward is coming only to have it fade away.  So yes, this is very much a moment where I have to decide what comes next.  We all do at some point, I’ve faced a few already.  Whatever we do, it’s not up to someone else to tell us how we are supposed to think/feel/behave.  We know who we are and we may need to remind ourselves of that every now and then—and what we choose to do with that information is also up to us.  So we keep going.