My husband and I have been talking about replacing our Christmas Tree for the last couple of years.  The tree is 35/36 years old but has been so well maintained over the years that you wouldn’t guess it looking at it.  Over the years, some of the points on the branches have started to weaken and last year we lost a few more and it was apparent the top most branch to which we’d secure the star wouldn’t handle it any longer. I relented and agreed to start looking at trees this year because I’m not quite ready to give her up yet.  We spent the day going to a few places to find some options (I’m looking for some thing very specific) and then we had to stop by my parents house.  We got into our home town and decided to take our son to a local restaurant for a late lunch.  When we walked in we were greeted by a girl we’d gone to school with since kindergarten.  The entire situation was surreal.  I was simultaneously transported back to grade school then high school in that moment.  We have all lived such different lives and chosen different paths, many of us not on the path we thought we’d be.  But we’re all here.  Nothing is perfect for any of us but we are all still here, still surviving.  We’re all at different stages of the game and can’t judge others for where they are at. 

We all do what we have to do and the truth is, we all have to do our best.  We never know what the right answer is and we often wouldn’t know it until after the fact regardless.  Life is a roller coaster, a journey.  Seeing her brought me down the path of everything I’ve been through, right back to grade school, then realizing how far we are from that place.  How much time I’ve wasted in that place.  How I’ve tried to move on from things that constantly seem to find me no matter what I do.  Seeing this woman who was a part of our past wasn’t a bad thing by any means, but it took me back to a place that wasn’t always fun for me.  Coupled with the fact that the town itself is changing and so many things are different from what they were kind of threw me for a loop.  It was like this altered reality where I knew where I was but it was entirely different at the same time.  A reminder that time marches on and we are now of a different generation.  We were once the kids coming into that place on our lunch hour during high school and now we are parents ourselves.  It’s a trip to feel so old and so young.  They never tell you growing old feels like an alternate reality.

I completely spun out for a little bit and even felt a bit out of body, dizzy in my seat as I waited for my chicken sandwich.  Something so simple as getting food with my family turned into my mind racing through my entire life questioning how I got here and what comes next.  Yeah, I know , I have to get a grip.  But life is like that: Sometimes things show up we could never expect and it puts us in a mindset we weren’t prepared for.  Sometimes those things are there to bring us into the present or to teach us something we needed to know.  In fact, I’m certain of it.  The more uncomfortable we feel, the bigger the lesson is or the more important it is to learn the lesson.  Truthfully, I don’t know what that experience was supposed to tell us exactly, but it showed me how things change.  Things ALWAYS change and that is the natural evolution/course of life.  We’re all doing our best, no one really feels like they have it together.  Our kids look at us as if we know what we’re doing and there are days I still feel like I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  Life is funny that way.  Who knew giving up a childhood holiday hallmark would bring about so many conflicting things.  Perhaps the gift and the lesson is that those pieces of us never really leave—who we were, that light, that child, that hope, that joy—that is all there inside.  No matter what we’ve experienced and chosen in our lives, those pieces of our past are always there.  It’s how we make peace with them and bring them to light that counts.