Today I am grateful for animals.  I had a moment this week where I absolutely felt like I was losing my mind, coming out of my skin.  I’ve always been close to my animals and when I lost my Maine Coon last year, I was devastated and thought I would never have another quite like him—that is true to a degree.  However.  Last week during this break down, I laid on the floor trying to mitigate the anxiety that washed over me, seemingly uncontrollable.  It didn’t help me in the slightest and my phone kept ringing further distracting me from trying to calm down.  I had a moment where I screamed in frustration because I didn’t know what else to do.  Two of my three cats ran away (as expected) but one reminded me of the very real connection humans and animals can have.  After that scream, he came up to me, sniffed my head and then proceeded to walk onto my chest and he curled up and started purring.  I almost started crying right then—this guy loves pets and attention but he doesn’t like being on people or being confined in any way so that was a big step for him. After a moment, he got up and instead of walking away, he laid by my side, putting his head over my wrist and he continued to purr loudly.  The purr of a cat is healing and that animal knew I needed it and I could feel it.  I 100% felt healed and calmed and recentered.  He helped me ease into a more relaxed state and helped me breathe.  He helped me come back to myself and he didn’t leave my side until I moved.  There is so much power in that type of bond and I will forever be grateful for the fact that he was there with me—I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t been there.  I am grateful he brought be back to my body in that moment, for his presence while I calmed down. 

Today I am grateful for reminders of my responsibility.  I am not a victim of any circumstance.  I know who I am.  The world seems to be falling on me all at once, needing me to make decisions faster than is appropriate or than I am able.  I understand this is partially my fault because I’m approaching life like drinking from a fire hose.  Still.  I know I can’t take it all on at once yet I feel like it’s my responsibility to figure it all out at once, like it’s me who has to fix and solve everything.  I know I can’t do it but I’m still somehow putting out the energy that I am meant to take it all on.  What comes into my life is a direct result of what I let into my life.  What I focus on, what I spend time with, what I lament, what I love—all of that is what I choose to see.  I know I can’t catch all of life coming at me with that type of pressure.  So it’s up to me to get out of the line of fire or to deal with what’s coming my way.  What I see around me and what I choose to do with my day is my choice—what gets done is a result of what I focus on and what doesn’t get done is a choice.  And it’s fine either way.  Just remember we have the power to slow it down when it feels like it’s coming too quickly.

Today I am grateful for getting the train on the tracks.  The house has been a huge distraction for me, a point of frustration because I hate that it’s been like this, torn up, for months.  I hate that I’ve been asking for things to be put away—like I don’t even care if the project is finished because we are at the point where enough is done that things CAN be put back together and it’s entirely functional.  So I just want the big stuff put away so we can move forward and enjoy the season.  This past week we took some time to finish a few small things and to start clearing the house.  It’s still got some work to do but it doesn’t feel so overwhelming.  This is one of those scenarios where we entirely created it—the chaos.  So I want us to take back some control and decide what we are doing next—it doesn’t all have to get done right now.  I’m fine with that.  I just want my space back and the more I move into place, the better it feels for my sanity.  So I am grateful we are moving things where they need to go and creating the space we want.

Today I am grateful for unexpected surprises.  A long time friend whom I haven’t spoken to in a couple of years reached out a few weeks ago, quite randomly.  I didn’t think much of it—we certainly aren’t on bad terms by any means but we are absolutely in our own worlds and we are both guilty of allowing time to dictate what we’ve been doing so finding time hasn’t been a huge priority for either of us.  When I put it that way, It makes me feel sad and a bit guilty.  I have always loved this girl, she has always been a caring and fun friend.  Things just changed as we went through different things in our lives.  Marriage, divorce, children, deaths.  None of us will be here forever and I hate the thought of wasting time for stupid reasons.  So we met up yesterday at a local school event and talked like no time had passed. I found out that we are in a similar place mindset wise as well as career wise—and possibly just in life in general where we are looking for similar things and transitioning certain facets of our focus to what we really want.  She is bold and far braver than I ever was—she made me bold when we were younger—and she is acting on those things, not that I can’t.  But she makes me feel less alone in that what I was envisioning CAN be done.  She was/is a reminder that I need to spend more time with those who know me and are focused on similar things.  Still.  It was also lovely over the course of the last month to reconnect with my best friend and talk and laugh and commiserate and celebrate together.  It’s nice to have someone to not need to justify my existence with—these two women remind me that I am known and loved and that all is well.  They reminded me that I need to be around people who know and love me.      

Today I am grateful for taking a chance and being a version of the person I want to be.  While at that school event, there were a lot of people there who were involved in the incidents I spoke about over the summer with me needing to stand my ground and who taught me about self-respect in that when we don’t get it, we need to walk away.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about these women—that was why it hurt so badly when things went South.  Because I cared a lot and laid it all out on the line and it felt like that meant absolutely nothing to any of these people who were supposed to be my friends.  So seeing them yesterday, I knew that I had done no wrong and it was time to talk it out.  I went up to one of them, and I hugged her and told her that I had called her this summer.  Right after the incident happened, I had texted twice and called her once and never heard from her.  I left a message and I told her that I wanted to talk.  I had never NOT wanted to talk.  I believe in ownership and I said over the summer that I knew what I thought my part in this was and that I WANTED to know what I had done wrong from their perspective.  That just never happened.  So I took a deep breath, knowing that I had done my part and I went up to her and I hugged her and said we needed to talk.  She asked when I had called her and I told her.  And I reaffirmed that I wanted to talk.  We will have to see what happens from here but she didn’t say no, so I am hopeful that we will be able to begin repairing things.    

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.