Today I am grateful for confidence.  Even if this is something I struggle with daily, I am so grateful for the moments when it comes out.  We had dinner with new friends yesterday evening and they ended up joining us back home so we could play darts and some other games.  I felt some of the old me come out in regards to that younger boldness—perhaps not confidence exactly, but the willingness to try things and put myself out there.  In this case I didn’t do well with the game but I realized off the bat that wasn’t the point.  The point was all of us just having a good time and being with each other.  It’s been a while since I’ve been with people who weren’t in direct competition over anything even if we were playing a competitive game.  We just had fun.  I never considered needing confidence to have fun but the truth is if we are willing to take the chance to have fun we learn things.  So I am grateful to take that chance.

Today I am grateful for good food.  This isn’t something I talk about much but I’ve had a difficult relationship with food most of my life.  I love food, I always have—but I also used it as a coping mechanism.  I struggled with overeating and with sugar addiction specifically (nothing totally out there). Either way the point of being grateful for food is that it doesn’t have to be that kind of mechanism.  Food is a uniter in so many ways, it’s an experience. We bring substances into our body for nourishment and when we do it correctly, our bodies thrive.  Food is a tool and it is amazing what is provided for us with little effort.  Over the last year and half I’ve lost and kept off 40 pounds and that is saying something to healing my relationship with what I thought I needed from food.  But I’ve had a few moments over the year and half, up to and including the last week, where I found myself wanting to fall into old habits and not honoring my limits. But it was in those moments where I felt differently about the test.  It wasn’t about my resolve in those moments—it was about presence.  While we were out of town spending time together on the first family vacation we’ve ever taken together, I realized I didn’t want to worry about what I was consuming.  We were eating things we wouldn’t get back home and the memory of those moments was more important than taking in a few extra calories.  I’ve proven over the last year and a half that I can maintain and that I have the drive and discipline.  I can handle taking the moment to enjoy even if it means a little extra work in the end.  We also had a wonderful meal out the other night and it was a great time together—it was the experience all around.  The food and the people, all of us gathered together to enjoy.  It was lovely.

Today I am grateful for understanding what I have to do.  It’s later in the afternoon than I would normally write this and I had a few moments this morning where I couldn’t even get up for various reasons.  But I understand that in order to achieve what I’m seeking to achieve I need to do what I say I’m going to do.  It’s all on me. It’s all in my choices and actions and what I do or don’t get is a result of what I do or don’t follow through on.  That is the nature of taking responsibility for our lives.  We get what we put into it.  And for the first time, I have more clarity around that.  I have a better relationship with balance and scheduling and knowing what needs to be done.  I had this idea of what freedom is and what it means, thinking I could do whatever I wanted when I wanted to and I developed that into a routine a long time ago.  But freedom also means adapting to what needs to be done. It means finding the balance between what we need and what we want—and then finding the ground to do what has to be done while honoring all the other stuff.  The bottom line is if there is something that needs to be done, we need to be clear about it and do the work to get the work done.  All gets done when it is supposed to so we can trust that we are always on time.  All is exactly as it should be.

Today I am grateful for passion.  Passion can apply to a lot of things we experience and feel in this world.  The desire and drive to achieve something specific.  The joy we feel when we are in a certain environment or doing a certain task.  The way we feel about someone.  The way we feel about a goal.  Passion is what drives us in so many things.  Liz Gilbert wrote years ago about how we have to find our passion to secure our actions and figure out what our lives mean.  There is some truth to that, but she came back after a while essentially apologizing for it because the truth is there are some points where passion isn’t fully clear.  Passion can sometimes be an impulse and we aren’t always able to decide what direction we’re really being pulled in.  For me I became overwhelmed with passion because I am curious about a lot of things and I truly get interested in the process of learning and trying new things.  But with that I was never able to fully settle and become a master or expert on any one thing in particular.  I hated myself for that because I thought I had wasted all my time in this world trying to do everything.  I can look at this a little differently now and understand it wasn’t wasted time, it was time spent learning that there are many beautiful things in this world and having a broad knowledge of them can be a key to guiding others to what they want as well. Passion keeps me coming back to the things I love: writing, reading, sharing, learning.  It keeps me fulfilled.  Even if I’m not the wild success I thought I would be, I am still successful enough to be able to explore the world as I see fit and that is because passion keeps my eyes open for new things.  For that I am grateful.

Today I am grateful for relaxing.  I have a high guilt complex so I am often plagued with feeling like I should always be doing something else, like I should always be somewhere else.  I have a hard time being in the moment and really enjoying what I’m doing even if I love what I’m doing.  I automatically go to thinking that there is something else I should be doing.  The pressure of should takes the joy out of the present moment AND out of the things I should be doing—because if I’m really honest, the things I should be doing are all things I want to be doing as well.  Creating a divide and uncertainty in the focus of the moment is enough of an issue but when we throw guilt on that fire, it consumes all joy we could potentially have anyway.  So there are times we need to learn to relax.  Accept the moment as it is.  Accept the joy of the moment and trust divine timing in everything.  All that needs to get done will, it doesn’t all have to get done at once.  All is well.  So breathe and focus and enjoy the present.  We are here together and that is a gift. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead