“When you allow them to think you’re convincible, they will try to convince you,” Bishoi Khella.  This quote hit me on a level that I didn’t want to admit.  I will start with some grace for myself in that I’ve always been really good at seeing all sides of the situation and I’ve prided myself on making logical decisions and being able to arrive at a reasonable middle ground for people.  What I’ve noticed as of the last 7-10 years is that I’ve lost some of that spark for myself and my own opinion and I’ve spent far more time seeking a middle ground than I’ve spent understanding what I believe personally.  Seeing the middle ground isn’t a bad thing, frankly that’s always my goal, but the problem is it has turned into a behavior where people come to me seeking my agreement with them, seeking the way I see that they are right.  In hearing this quote, I realized that people aren’t coming to me for logic, they’re coming to me because they think I will be on their side—that I will support and believe their side, that they can convince me that they are right.  I don’t look for WHO is right, I look for WHAT is right and somewhere along the line, that became misinterpreted as me appeasing people.  I realized that the way I present myself can make it seem like I was trying to be amenable when really I was trying to gather information in a safe way and to get to the truth.

The reality is this is about maintaining the “no.”  We aren’t here to be swayed in a particular direction, we are meant to have our own opinion.  We are meant to develop the skill of seeing all sides so we can arrive at a mutually beneficial conclusion, that is true.  That doesn’t require me sacrificing myself and aligning with what you think is right over what I know is right for myself.  That requires saying “no,” using our voice because we know what we stand for.  If we feel something, believe something, if we are trying to make something happen, we are responsible for the boundary of maintaining what it takes to achieve that something.  There are times when keeping the peace means sacrificing our voice and, even if we have good intentions of hearing it from someone else, we need to let go of the fear of being too loud or being seen as difficult so we can convince ourselves we know who we are and what we are talking about.  We are given thoughts and opinions for a reason, we don’t have to adopt what anyone else tells us.  There are many people in this world who prey on those with weak resolve, those who could serve their purpose rather then their own—and I allowed myself to fall into the former for the sake of appearing easy and reasonable.  We have to speak up or we will be spoken over.

There is a way to maintain our opinion and express that opinion without dominating a situation and we are allowed to receive opinions without being forced to accept them. This is why we have a brain capable of complex thought engineering and deciphering.  I had a conversation with a colleague experiencing something similar to what I went through and I felt fortunate enough to help him navigate that situation because I had insight to share.  But at the end, I realized that this was a circumstance I’d warned him about already.  It didn’t bother me so much that he had to experience it himself to understand and appreciate what I went through, but it bothered me that this was an instance where I knew what would happen and he thought he had control over the situation, that it wouldn’t go the way I said it would.  He’d tried to convince me that he would be able to handle this, that he knew what would happen.  I didn’t need to be convinced that I knew what was going on—I’d already lived it.  So I nodded and politely told him I understood and that this par for course.  It isn’t my job to convince anyone either, so we will go about our business and we will support each other as appropriate.