I thought I could flip a switch and all would be fine, that I’d be indoctrinated into this new world, this new work and that I would flow through my days effortlessly because that was what I wanted.  I thought I had the answers about what my days would look like right off the bat.  That isn’t what’s happening.  I’m not naïve enough to believe I wouldn’t have had adjustments to make or growing pains—this is an entirely new lifestyle for me—but the issues I thought I’d never struggle with are the ones that seem to get to me.  Like, I always thought I’d just float through my days with no issues, knowing exactly what to do, my time scheduled but relaxed, perfectly planned to be effortless.  Instead this feels a bit like ai got a flat tire and need to pull over, figure out how to change it but all I have is the donut, not a full sized spare—so I can keep moving but it isn’t quite a right fit yet.  And that’s ok.  I know this is an adjustment period.  I am so blessed that I got nearly exactly what I was asking for.  Doesn’t mean I don’t still need to adapt or get used to it, it’s just my expectation was that I would automatically slide into this new life. 

This is almost recovery mode.  I spent years working in an environment that made it clear we were meant to be available 24/7 even for the things that had nothing to do with us.  We needed to be prepared for anything, even the stuff that didn’t fall under our scope.  We were supposed to be proactive and know what other leaders needed before they needed it.  The new work is nowhere near the pace of what I used to do, and it’s hard to slow that down.  I’m constantly looking for the next expectation, the next thing I “have to” do.  I’m learning and incorporating new skills and that always feels clunky at first.  I find that I’m struggling to “know” what I need to do next.  I eventually figure it out, it just takes a minute to orient myself after each task, to find what I should or could be doing.  I also struggle with ADD so being home (which is torn up from construction) has a different level of anxiety about it.  I find myself wanting to get everything done all at once and then getting overwhelmed with how much needs to be done—so I do nothing. 

The whole  point is that sometimes, even in the changes we want to make, there is difficulty in adapting.  It doesn’t go as smoothly as we think it will even if we’ve envisioned it .  It was like when we moved into this house.  We love the house and it has all we could ask for but some of the features were different than our townhome—we were giving up some decent features there.  It felt like we had to start all over again—and the truth is that is exactly what we were doing.  We had to learn to find our footing in this new environment, to find who we are here—even if most of us stayed the same.  But we have to learn to settle into the new.  We have to learn to work differently, to operate differently.  So even the changes we ask for come with some growing pains.  And it’s ok.  we aren’t meant to be like a light switch or a book—we’re off/on or we’re on one chapter and then the next.  There is a transition period.  So give it time—it takes a minute to get comfortable shedding what we used to carry all the time, to adapt to new clothes so to speak.  Just keep going because the pieces will fall into place and we will adapt to the point where what was a dream now feels natural in this reality.