Today I am grateful for help.  I am the first to admit that I hate having to ask for help.  I want to figure it out on my own, I want to be able to do things on my own, I hate being held back by others, I hate it when things don’t work how they are supposed to.  In life, these things happen all the time and there is no way to avoid it.  So when those moments happen, all I can say at this point is that I am grateful for those around me who DO help.  For those who have helped carry me through and given me what I needed.  My brain seems to be all over the place a lot lately and I struggle with controlling the pattern of thought to focus enough to actually contribute anything of value to my own life.  And I hate myself for that if I’m totally honest—I’m working through that.  But I am completely grateful for the people who step in to help when needed.  I’m grateful to those who answer the call when I put it out there.  I’m grateful for those who hear me.

Today I am grateful for magic moments.  Signs come in all forms, some of the most powerful are animals.  The creatures that come into our lives or how they behave tell us what we need to know.  Recently I took my family to the zoo.  It was the first time we have gone that my son will remember.  This zoo has free roaming peacocks so you run into them all over the place—people are constantly waiting for the males to display their feathers.  I always love seeing it too and it had been years since I’d been to this zoo so I was excited/hopeful as well.  After we finished an attraction, we sat together at one of the picnic benches right in the area and we saw a male laying there not too far from us.  One of the females wandered by and the male saw her.  Sure enough, right where we were in that moment, he stood up and began to display.  People came running from all directions with their cameras and kids in tow.   A few minutes after that we were walking in a new area and a group of people stood around a different male who seemed quite curious.  He was standing alert and watching everyone.  People were taking his picture, myself included, I was on the opposite side of the group away from everyone.  He turned from the group and started to walk toward me, stopped less than a foot from me and we held eye contact for almost a full minute. It felt like he was looking right through my soul, no fear whatsoever.  It was a spiritual moment for me, having an animal approach like that, seeing the trust.  If I had reached out, he would have let me touch him, but we understood each other in that moment.  People stared as we looked at each, shocked he was that close to me, but we only had eyes for each other.  As a family we also had repeat appearances of groundhogs—not nearly as close as the peacock but when animals show up repeatedly, they mean something as well.  These moments absolutely meant something to me—and the universe knew I needed that.

Today I am grateful for diving deeper into the hurt of self-loathing.  Understanding where the trigger is, the issue with identity and not feeling like I’m worthy, like I haven’t contributed anything to my life—or to anyone else’s.  That it’s ok to set boundaries with people, even at work, even if they get pissed, even if they don’t like that the work they are supposed to do is pushed back on them.  I’m here to perform a role and that isn’t for them to dictate what I do—I don’t have to jump when everyone tells me to and that’s a habit I’m learning to get more comfortable with—standing still when I need to.  Holding my ground.  I’ve always been the first to move, always the first to try and fix and adapt, I’ve never sat in who I am long enough to settle and BE who I am.  I jumped quickly and people reacted poorly when I stood my ground, accusing me of being difficult, over-sensitive, over-reactive, etc.  The truth is they couldn’t handle the truth and someone putting their own shit back on them.  I don’t need to wade through the depths of your crap in order to prove I’m worthy.  All that happens is I come out smelling like your shit.  And now that I understand these behaviors and the triggers behind it, I know to avoid it all together.

Today I am grateful for closing chapters.  It admittedly took me a while to get here.  I’ve been at peace with my decision regarding my new role for a while but there were still pieces of me that wanted to receive a certain level of validation that I was wanted on my current team, that I was valuable.  It was hard to not have feelings of being pushed aside like I had been some problem they were waiting to figure out and I solved the issue by removing myself from the equation.  But if someone is holding the door open that wide, then there has to be some truth in simply needing to walk away.  Don’t wait for people to tell you you’re needed.  If they didn’t see your value, shine somewhere else.  So I appreciate what I’ve learned and I’m grateful to move forward but most importantly, I’m grateful to shed what clearly doesn’t work, what clearly wasn’t for me.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow, knowing you were the one they were willing to let go.  But instead of worrying about my place in someone else’s life, I’m now focused on where I’m at in mine, what I mean in my own life, what is important in my life.    

Today I am grateful for total freedom.  The day is here when I am starting my new role at my 9-5.  It was a strange feeling over these last few days as I wrapped things up in the office, cleaning, going through old paperwork.  I realized I am 100% a hoarder of paper, keeping record of everything I’ve done.  Years upon years of stuff.  I sorted and sorted the documents, looking for what I may need, debating about keeping nearly all of it.  But the thought kept going through my head that I’m going to be working from home now, I can’t bring all of this stuff with me—and I really didn’t want to.  It’s time to lovingly and completely close out this chapter of my life.  It’s time to let it go.  All the keeping and searching and believing I need these things to protect/prove myself is such a drain on my energy.  My entire career up to this point has been about proving and covering my own ass.  I’ve done amazing work but I’ve been in the same situation over and over again, fighting for something and carrying everything.  I’m done with that—I’m exhausted by that.  So I made the decision to shred everything.  I tossed it.  It was by far one of the most liberating feelings I’ve ever had.  I’m grateful to know I can wake up tomorrow and take my time, enjoy my life and I don’t have to be out the door and ready and dressed to the 9s at an exact time, on the road at an exact time.  I feel like I can breathe and enjoy life simply because I don’t have the weight of the world on me anymore—I am making decisions for myself. It’s all coming together.      

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead