“It’s good to be good and kind and real and sometimes it’s for your own good to say how you really feel,” Stacie Martin.  The key is knowing the difference and when each is necessary.  I once heard a rule of thumb that if something still bothers you after 24 hours, speak up within 48.  It’s about being honest with ourselves and allowing the feeling we have in the moment—but not letting it control anything–and accountability to ourselves about communication.  We allow ourselves enough time to decide how we really feel and we communicate about it.  People pleasing aside, I never saw the point in approaching any conversation with demands, anger, or malice–my goal is to have honest communication.  Sure, I’ve had to have tough conversations with demands that likely could have been more pleasant, but the intent was never anger.  And while I spent the majority of my life allowing myself to be shoved to the background, I have spent a lot of my time in the spotlight advocating for others.  I know what it feels like to be the underdog and to need backup—and while I haven’t always defended myself, I have always defended those who needed it. Kindness had nothing to do with it—it was the right thing.

Saying how we really feel doesn’t have to be mean, it just has to be honest. As long as we are direct and not intentionally cruel, we have no say (or responsibility) in how our message is received.  People will perceive a message in their own context based on experience anyway.  We can say how we really feel and still be kind, and sometimes we just have to pull the band-aid off.  I’ve spent a significant amount of time worried about what others think of me and how I behave with them, all the while they never gave a damn about how I interpreted or felt about their actions.  Each time I worried about that perception, the message was watered down, not quite what I was trying to say and then I’d get frustrated that I was misunderstood.  There are always times to choose words carefully, words matter, but there are also times we need to let go of the reins and simply say what we need to.  As scary as that can be, I will say that every time I’ve allowed the truth out, amazing things have happened.  Not that it was easy, but there was no denying the clarity that came out of it.

I wrote a while back about victims and villains and I stand by it: we will all be the victim in some story and we will be the villain in someone else’s.  The world is a complicated place and we are different people to different people.  I know I’ve been different people to myself when it came down to it.  There were moments I felt like an entirely different person when at work, while in creative mode, while helping my parents, while being a daughter, while being a mother, a lover, a wife, a friend.  Sure, those are all different titles but I’m physically the same person in each scenario.  So how can the same person be different?  Because we need to be.  We aren’t one thing—ever.  And being those different things isn’t a bad thing so we can take the pressure off of ourselves to be a certain way.  Take the pressure off by simply saying what needs to be said. The truth is always easier to remember regardless and instead of watering down a message that’s important to us, or the truth of how we feel, it’s easier to let it out.  Now, if it’s something that someone can’t change in 30 seconds, that doesn’t need to be said—I wrote about that too.  The goal is never to be cruel, just honest.  Painful honesty can be resolved—cruelty cannot.  So let down the shield and let the truth out.  The goal isn’t to placate anyone at our expense.  It’s to get the truth out.