New beginnings are beautiful even if it means the end of the previous new beginning.  Each beginning becomes a stepping stone.  We move through life building these stairs, constantly dreaming and moving upward.  The reality is sometimes that original beginning doesn’t pan out so well.  I remember reading The Midnight Library by Matt Haig and the main character gets the opportunity to look at other options for her life, what it would have looked like if she chose something different.  We don’t have that option, we don’t get to try on different lives and then decide what to do.  No.  We get an idea and we decide whether or not we will go for it and we learn.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t—or parts of it work.  We find people who are with us and learn some people only act like they are with us.  There are people along the way who support us or make us think they do.  Some people want us back and sometimes people don’t ask us to come back because they are afraid we wouldn’t.  Sometimes we need to break out of our shells so we learn to not cage ourselves.  Sometimes we move forward because people need to see us move on so they can move.  We are pushed to jump or walk away so we can lead others. 

In my current professional life, I’m tired of leading in this capacity regardless.  This is not the leadership I signed up for nor is it functional.  Much of that comes down to the organization itself being in the midst of big change with alignment, but there is part of it that comes down to the area I’m in and specific people and their opinion of what I do.  Those factors have made effective leadership incredibly difficult for me—this is not how I want to lead.  Combined with the fact we don’t have much clear direction regardless it’s been unnecessarily challenging. In that regard alone it’s time to make a change.  Moving on to new projects will open new things in general.  I’m excited and I feel more me.  I feel better able to put other people’s stuff back on them.  I’m no longer carrying anyone else’s shit.  No matter what that means.  I’m not responsible for how people carry their stuff/how they are triggered.  I’m sensitive, I’m empathetic.  I’m not a mind reader and I am not staying in the habit of keeping quiet for your comfort. 

I’m getting more comfortable cutting people out who are toxic to me.  If it doesn’t work I’m not forcing it to work anymore.  My energy needs to be on developing my life, my mind, my business—not on carrying you through.  Not preparing you to do what you need to do.  Not waiting to make a change until you’re ready to live your life.  And it is NOT my job to live my life, to speak my voice/opinion/mind, to use words and make choices based on your readiness/preference/or need.  No more than it’s your job to do that for me.  And the lesson continues regarding not needing to be something someone else wants us to be in order to be accepted.  If people only want to be around us when we are a certain way or can do certain things for them, that’s manipulation.  None of that is needed and if we have a lot of that in our lives then it’s our job to let that go when we move forward.  It is never our job to allow or tolerate other people treating us like crap in order to keep them in our lives.  Let that habit go.  No, not everything turns out how we think it will, not everything goes to plan, not everyone shows up how we want them to.  But each of those situations is an opportunity to get closer to what we need, what we want in our lives. So be grateful.