Today I am grateful for arriving at an understanding.  I had convinced myself that it was time to put certain things behind me and try to move forward with certain people in my life.  Let bygones be bygones so to speak.  And just when the moment arrived where I was going to suggest such a thing, the old behavior that made me question things in the first place reared its ugly head.  Thank goodness this was a sign when it happened because I would have found myself trying to please all over again, to be who they wanted me to be all over again.  Relationships are two ways and it shouldn’t always be about one person peeling away parts of who they are to make the other person happy.  It’s about what we get together.  It’s about how we operate together.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) the same realization happened with my husband at the same time and we have agreed that as much as it hurts to leave some of these people behind, it’s for the best.  Our family is what we have.  We still offer support for those who need it but they will no longer take priority over our family.

Today I am grateful for excitement.  I’m excited to try new things again, to do new things.  To live differently.  I’ve held myself so tightly bound in the very cage I kept talking about escaping that I didn’t realize I was tangled in it, unable to move forward.  But now I see the extent of the possibilities, the extent of being heard again, and I’m grateful to manage my life how I need to.  I had to take a step back in order to move forward.  I was sad to make some of these changes, hesitant to, because I wasn’t sure what would happen.  I wasn’t sure if everything would turn out how I wanted it to.  I undertook these changes to better align with who I am and what I feel and I am so happy for it.  I am finally able to look past parts of the sadness and disappointment of what didn’t work and now I am grateful and ready to move forward.  I’m excited to see things coming together how they are meant to.

Today I am grateful for seeing the truth and setting boundaries. I’ve let too many people around me violate my boundaries and I’ve let that obscure the truth of who I am.  I’ve disturbed my comfort and my principles for the sake of other people and I lost myself over and over again.  The truth is some people just won’t change, whether in our personal or professional lives.  It’s disheartening to believe a relationship is one thing only to find out the other person doesn’t feel that way.  It’s disheartening to believe people feel a certain way about your talents and abilities only to find out they don’t.  In both circumstances it feels like someone was biding their time with you until they could get rid of you or until you were tired of using your skills to benefit them.  Look, we all have to take care of ourselves, but we can’t ever let that turn into using others and we can never let that turn into people using us.  There is truth to the wolf in sheep’s clothing, and the fox in the hen house.  In both cases we need to get rid of that danger.  Some people just aren’t who they present themselves to be—and it’s up to us to either call that out or move on.

Today I am excited for personal work.  This isn’t just the mental landscape at the moment-although I could use some refreshing on that.  This is about my physical space.  I have never felt so determined and decided on what I want when it comes to my physical environment.  I’m not 100% sure what spurred all of this or made the timing align so that things would fall into place like this—but they have.  I’ve welcomed a whole lot of new in my life—revitalized health, new look, new style, new job, remodeling the house how we want it.  New priorities and beliefs.  Trying to be as healthy as possible in so many ways. Letting go of the toxic drains and patterns in my life including the people who use my energy to lift themselves up.  It’s amazing what happens when the outside starts to reflect the inside.  We are better able to do what we want to do, to do what we need to do to help others.  And it feels better because when it comes from that genuine space, it doesn’t feel like a strain on anyone.  Sure, it can be painful, but it is also a rebirth, an entirely new experience that awakens something inside—something we needed to remember. 

Today I am grateful for hope.  It’s been a while that I’ve felt the hope of something working out.  It was a scary path to give up what I had in order to jump to something new.  But I have wanted to create this life where I operate in my own space for a long time.  I wanted to get in touch with who I am for a long time.  I always allowed parts of me to shine through, my own little bits of style and flare.  This is a case now where it isn’t a show.  This is the comfort of becoming who I am.  And no, it isn’t the comfort of settling or seeking something safe—this is the comfort of finding what fits.  No longer feeling like I’m wearing someone else’s skin all the time, holding onto the scraps of what people give me and trying to mash it all together.  No, this is the full on integration, the alchemy of life where this just IS. The great IAM so to speak.  There is ALWAYS work to be done, this isn’t over, but to be on this path is a gift and I am both scared and excited and hopeful for all that is to come.  This opportunity to start over again is a gift and I intend to take it as far as I can.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.