Speaking of fascinating trains of thought, what started me on the topic yesterday was thinking how fortunate I am to have opportunities in my life but I’ve analyzed myself into paralysis, unable to decide what I should be doing.  I remembered an episode of Malcolm In The Middle where Malcolm takes a test that is supposed to tell him where his aptitude is and what career he should go into and it comes back inconclusive, essentially revealing that with his smarts, he could do anything he wanted to and he would be successful.  But he can’t decide what to do—he wanted the test to tell him exactly what he should do because he could see himself in any one of the positions available to him.  There was a person in that episode that made a comment to the effect of poor baby, you’re so unfortunate to have any option int he world and could be successful, stop whining about the opportunities you have and pick one.  (It was while looking for that episode to get the correct quote that I found the clip of Reese in the army that I discussed yesterday—like I said, fascinating trains of thought in our minds).  I remember the first time I saw it, I agreed with the person who yelled at Malcolm.  Like, be grateful that you have options, just pick one.  But, oh, my sweet spring child, I was young then and thought I knew all the answers to everything and that all we had to do in the world was choose.  I still think it’s true to a degree, but the world has many layers to it and doesn’t really prepare you that you can choose anything you want, yes, but you have to have the resources to see it through.  So choosing sometimes feels like you only have one shot.  I know that now…

I’ve been encouraged by two of my friends recently to simply go for what I want.  Believe me, I’ve been taking steps to get there, but I am also keenly aware that my attention is still far too divided and that is why I’m not making real progress with anything—still.  We’ve had this conversation before.  I still have the same obligations as before so I still find myself balancing what I want to do with what I have to do to support us for now.  So.  I understood their point as far as stop screwing around, plan out the things that need to be done to get where I want to go and do it—the exact same thing I’ve advocated for here a million times. But I understood Malcolm as well—I know I CAN do these things but it’s a matter of what do I really want to do and what is the thing I should be doing?  What will actually give me fulfillment and provide?  It’s great to have options but I don’t want to choose the wrong one.  Throw in the complexity of the human brain and that’s a whole other layer. Like…I don’t like being told what to do but I also want to know what I SHOULD do, what I’m MEANT to do.  Kind of creates a difficult situation. 

There are still moments in my life, even now, when I realize that I needed to live more.  I needed to get out more.  I needed to have more experience to understand myself better and make better decisions aligned with who I am and what I really want.  The answer to purpose comes from living.  Yes, it starts deep within and guides us from an innate place, but it is the living, the actual DOING that determines how we feel about it.  The doing is what teaches us.  So instead of feeling that level of analysis paralysis or the overwhelm of having to make a decision we fear will impact us for our entire lives, we need to learn to put one foot in front of the other and adapt as we go. No one knows the answers to everything.  Like I said yesterday, sometimes we have to get out of our minds, get out of our own way and simply DO the thing.  We won’t know what works for us until we try it anyway.  So if we have options in our lives, no matter how many they are, take it as a blessing that we are able to choose something.  And if that doesn’t work, then we can choose again.  Give ourselves enough grace and space to learn, take the pressure off of having to do anything perfectly, focus on what gets us the results, and go for it.