I had a reading today that discussed needing space to find who we are.  The person referenced moving from clique to clique especially when younger as a way of finding identity.  Specifically calling out moving between groups of people.  This was a matter of the karma of others point of view (POV)—learning to not need their opinion on the matter and to embrace my own POV.  When we walk in truth of our unique perspective and become the best version of ourselves, we are renewed and we CONNECT with all sources of who we are (Richard Miller).  We need to trust we are where we need to be, to trust our own journey with our energy and accepting who we are, that we will make the right choice.  That we don’t need to worry about what others think of us.  That we can simply be.  We are looking for more connection to those around us and the world around us.  Sometimes we need space away from the story of who we are to receive the message of who we actually are.

There were times I felt guilty moving from group to group in high school because it felt like I was either using people to a degree (to have social support or appear that I was surrounded by people) or it was incredibly lonely not being entirely supported or accepted by anyone.  I had been a singer at one point and never went for it, I was a writer, I was friends with the jocks and somewhat of an athlete myself, I danced, I spoke French.  In each of those groups I was a different person.  In each of those scenarios I transitioned between what I was doing before and became the person who needed to address those tasks in that moment.  I became what I thought people wanted me to be depending on what I was doing.  I never held my own identity—I was whatever I was doing in the moment.  I wore so many masks all day that I think that was why I enjoyed time alone, reading, singing, doing whatever my brain thought of while I was home.  I flitted from task to task, completing things off of my list trying to impress people.

I pushed everyone away.  I became so intense about being accepted and defining myself by who I was with and what I was doing that they saw I was trying way too hard.  I was becoming something else every moment of the day—I didn’t even know who I was.  what I’ve learned in this is that there comes a point when we understand that what people think of us doesn’t matter.  It really doesn’t.  we are who we are and the world wants us to express that.  We can fold into the definitions and roles people see us in and we can get by like that.  But the pleasure and enjoyment of life that we discuss will never find us if we aren’t fully invested in who we are and what we want.  Until we learn that what people think of us really doesn’t matter, we will always be playing a role rather than being who we are.