Today I am grateful for life.  Real, raw, life.  Everything in the world can seem important until something comes that changes the trajectory of the moment/day/week/month/forever.  It’s been an incredibly challenging week professionally and personally and the personal stuff has taken precedence.  Time is truly precious, to breathe is a gift.  Hearing my son laugh with his friends, watching him play LaCrosse, spending time together as a family is absolutely precious.  I’ve learned that we really only have one go around and there is a lot of in between.  Last year caused a ton of mental stress because of all the in-between states.  Was I healthy or not?  Was I going to get the job or not?  Was I going to keep going on my health journey?  Was my father ok?  And I started to see that I couldn’t keep looking for things to be wrong.  I couldn’t keep prioritizing stuff that just doesn’t matter at the end of the day.  We have one shot and it is up to us to make the most of it.  When things are uncertain or when they are certainly bad, the universe is telling us to slow down and gather our bearings to the life around us.  What do we see/feel/hear/taste in that moment? There is a saying that the days are long but the years are short and it is true.  One day we wake up and we’re teenagers living our lives to the fullest, not a care in the world, trying to figure everything out, (perhaps a little angsty) and the next we’re 40 and asking how our kids got so big.  Life means more than what we put in the bank.  It is how we spend our time and live.

Today I am grateful for being seen and accepted by myself and those who take the time to know me.  I never realized the very- near-desperation I had (and needed) for being understood.  At the core we all want to be seen as we are and understood.  We don’t want to constantly explain ourselves or beg for people to relate to us.  I felt like such an outsider for so long, always feeling like I was on my own, floating from group to group.  Sure, I could blend in well enough to be welcomed for a time, and then it would just as quickly go away.  There were stipulations and rules to me being there.  I credit my upbringing and my nature in general that I maintain a strong open mind for everyone—I allow people to be who they are.  I know what it feels like to be judged so I put a lot of effort into accepting people as they are as long as they aren’t hurting others.  I’ve never really had a group that reciprocated that same level of acceptance.  I even felt like an outsider in my own home.  It’s not like I had obscure allegiances to anything—I wasn’t advocating for skinning cats in the basement for Pete’s sake—but I found it hard to find people to accept me as I am.  There were ALWAYS conditions.  And I’m grateful to walk away from those conditions that no longer serve me and enter rooms where I am welcome.    

Today I am grateful for authenticity.  When it comes to marriage, I am 100000% advocating for real conversation.  My husband and I spent years misinterpreting each other.  Never intentionally, but we had different motivation and priorities at different times.  We’ve found a common ground with each other that has changed the course of our conversations and focus.  It all started with playing darts together.  At first I was wound tight and frustrated (I’m still very new and make a lot of mistakes) but the more I pushed through and we started talking about other things with each other, we developed deeper conversations and that led to deeper understanding of each other and really discussing mutual goals—a shared future.  That isn’t to say we didn’t have a shared future, but it is to say that up until very recently we were looking at different plans for where we are going.  Something shifted a few months ago and I have truly appreciated the course we have started taking.  It’s as simple as being on the same page.  Neither of us were demanding the other see things a certain way. We listened and we discussed and we planned and laughed and had meaningful conversation.  It felt like we were dating again, hearing each other out and wanting to learn where the other was coming from.  It pays when we are who we are—the connection changes.    

Today I am grateful for presence.  Yesterday my son had a birthday party to attend.  It was a relatively last minute invite and I wasn’t sure for a while if we were going to go, but we decided to participate so we could let him blow off some steam.  He’d been to this venue before and he really liked it, the energy, the excitement, the games so it was a good choice to let him go experience it.  He tried the gravity ropes for the first time (suspended obstacle course) and we were so present watching him.  He had a moment of being absolutely frozen with fear (don’t blame him, he’s never been up that high with no guardrails before).  My husband and I encouraged him.  He made it through with a lot of coaxing.  After, his friend had stayed and told him how brave he was.  It was a beautiful moment to see these kids embrace each other—and my son was proud for seeing it through.  After, my husband actually said we were going to stay for a bit because our son was having a good time.  I melted a little bit because most of the kids from the party had already left and we normally would have as well—but we stayed together as a family to let him play and have fun.  I found out he had given some of his points to one of his friends so they could play a game together because his friend didn’t have enough left on his card and my heart melted.  Sometimes these kids drive me nuts because they see things sooo differently than we do—but witnessing the unquestioning support of his best friend and then the unquestioning generosity to share from my son made me so proud and gave me a lot of hope.  Sometimes we can’t be worried about the future—we just have to come together in the moment.

Today I am grateful for enforcing boundaries and understanding where I stand with people.  I’m going through a series of new medical tests to determine what is happening with one/both of my ovaries, and frankly I’m scared.  The waiting drives me nuts because I hate not knowing what’s happening in my own body.  Even if the prognosis is favored toward the positive, there is potential for a not so good outcome.  So I’ve shared with people close to me and I’ve received less than warm support on the issue.  In the majority of the cases it’s been diverted to something going on with them or them acting like they know the people I’m seeing as if I haven’t been in healthcare for 20 years.  These are the people who constantly say if you need anything let me know—and then the second I say I need something, even if it’s just support, they’re MIA.  That’s a pattern I’ve had since I was a kid and that’s why I often took care of things on my own.  But instead of getting upset by it, I am happy to remove myself from the situation where people aren’t going to support me when they say they will.  And I do not feel guilty for it.  It’s plain to see the truth in how people treat you, in their actions.  So while I appreciate the kindness that was extended, it was very clearly conditional and I am equally appreciative to step aside and focus on what needs to be done in my life.  As I’ve said before, I want you to eat, just not at my table.  And I do not feel guilty for focusing on what is important for myself and my family.  We got this.    

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead