“My own work of art, here where I stand,” Toby Lightman.  This was a song I heard years ago and I loved it then and for whatever reason it recently popped back up for me.  But this simple line is something I needed to hear.  I have made a ton of progress over the last year and I still feel shaky about it, like it can be taken away.  Like I don’t want to fall into old habits and go back to how I was but I feel myself slipping every now and then.  And I have so many goals, so many irons in the fire, with open projects and things that I’ve started that I can’t (and don’t want to) stop that I feel a little all over the place.  I’ve been working really hard on keeping the organization up and ramping it up to a higher level and I’ve been planning more specific details of what I want to do—clarifying and specifying the goals.  And when I see that I feel a little overwhelmed. 

Here’s the thing, I am beyond privileged to be in the position I’m in and I do not take it for granted for a second.  But when we take control of our lives and we suddenly are transitioning to a new way of living, it can be scary as hell.  It’s intimidating and it’s very easy, especially in the beginning stages of the rubber meeting the road, when we get some traction, to fall back into old habits.  It’s a constant test of asking what is it that we really want.  If we are trying to change then we need to match the action to that desired outcome.  I’m lucky that I have the means and energy to make the changes I want to make.  I’ve decided that I am breaking away from the past and I am doing something new, I am creating something new and I am healing the old patterns.  And that in itself is art.  The person I am meant to be is art. 

Even art needs to be refined every now and then and there is nothing wrong with that.  I still have moments of intensely feeling behind the times, like I should have started all of this sooner and that I should be further on my journey.  But I am here now and all I can do is work with what I have.  I allow my brain to live in fear of what I’ve missed and that is where I have to learn to accept that I am where I’m meant to be.  This life is perfectly as it is meant to be.  I had a moment while working on my book where I felt almost existential, I could feel myself going out of my body comparing my life to that of my parents.  I always thought they had it so together and were so much more mature than me, that they knew what they were doing all the time.  I never considered they were my age and probably felt just as insecure and unsure.  And it’s that insecurity that keeps us on the fence.  So, that too, is a pattern I’m breaking—I’m diving in.

Life is a creation and it is a work of art and we are handed all the raw materials to make something of it.  We should never be ashamed of what we make or how we feel or the direction we are called.  We are meant to honor the art we are and the life we make.  We are meant to be proud of our creation.  I held back so many facets of my life because I didn’t want to get too big.  I wanted to be accepted.  And now I have enough understanding that I was always meant to be big and that people felt it, even when I was a kid, that I understood things differently.  I didn’t see the obstacles—if I wanted something I saw the way to do it and I did it.  I’m not saying it always worked out, but I am saying for all those times that didn’t work out, I was the reason.  My brain stopped me, my fear stopped me, my doubt stopped me—I was the biggest obstacle.  Had I unleashed all I was earlier, I would have learned to harness it and direct that power.  That’s true for all of us.  So don’t be afraid to live with our art turned all the way up.  The world needs that now more than ever—live life completely turned up.