Today I am grateful for a reality check.   Unexpected things happen all the time and we had a doozy thrust upon us this week at my 9-5.  Change, even if you think you see it coming, can still be unexpected.  The change we thought was coming happens but it is completely different than what we thought it would be.  I’m not entirely shocked as much as I am completely blown away so it’s an odd feeling.  And I will talk about it more later in the week because I need some time to process this now, but it feels like part of my identity was just taken away.  Yes, I know, I often use my 9-5 as an example of what I don’t like, but I’m seeing things a bit differently.  It’s hard when the symbol of something you’ve know nearly your entire adult life is suddenly taken away.  It’s hard when you were afraid something like that was coming and then it happens in the most unexpected time.  But when big change happens and shakes things up, it’s a chance for us to reorient ourselves based on where we are at and what we want to do.  Yes, it will test us to the point of fight or flight.  Yes, it is scary even if part of you was prepared for it (I was honestly already actively working on transitions in my life).  Yes, it’s sad to lose something that you thought was a possibility for the future/a possible way the future could go.  Sometimes the path of least resistance is a slide and it’s taking us all the way down, away from the top after the climb.  Sometimes we have to take the scarier path to keep going up.

Today I am grateful for truth.  Always and forever, I will be grateful for truth.  No matter how much it may hurt, I would rather know exactly where I stand with someone than believe we have a certain type of relationship only to be devastated to find that’s not the case.  I’ve had an inkling for a while about some people close to me whom I considered near and dear to my heart, an inkling that told me something was off and that we weren’t on the same page with this relationship.  I’ve had confirmation of just that within the last 48 hours.  Relationships can be a slippery slope—they are complicated and we all have different dynamics and experiences that make for potential issues with interpretation.  There are constant decisions whether we are working toward the same thing or if we are on the periphery of each other’s lives or if we are passing through.  Relationships change—and I have learned that I need to make a new decision regarding the type of relationship I have with some friendships around me.  And that’s ok.  I don’t want people around me under false pretenses or if they feel obligated and I don’t want people around me who only use me.  I’ve met some friends, people I never thought I’d see eye to eye with, and they have shown me a new level of truth and respect, a new level of aspiration—going for goals without malice or fear, but encouragement.  Not fixated on the negative or looking for the next wrong thing—but people who want to advance and move on and tell a new story—one that isn’t solely about them.  And I let them be.  

Today I am grateful for Love.  I’m understanding on a much deeper level how important love is to keeping life rolling and things healthy.  When we feel drained and exhausted by those around us we aren’t able to keep up with the day to day of life let alone other demands on our time.  Any demand that doesn’t align with who we are takes time away from the things we need to be focusing on.  Things we don’t do out of love, but obligation, become tiresome, and that translates to our live feeling tiresome.  When we get in that state of mind, we lose sight of the blessings around us—and the blessings around us are infinite, even in the thick of pain or trouble or annoyance or any of the other million and one problems we have/create in our lives.  But when we operate out of love, everything becomes clear.  Love isn’t just the warm, fuzzy, casual “love” thrown around where we feel a momentary thrill pass through us—love is a driver.  The reality is love is a state of mind, not just an emotion.  When we enter that state it’s easy to see possibility and joy and flow.  We create in love.   

Today I am grateful for work.  I’ve been peeling away the layers of the things I like doing versus the things I feel obligated to do.  We so often say that we hate doing work but the truth is we hate doing work that isn’t fulfilling.  If what we are doing doesn’t resonate with us, it feels exhausting and motivation is nothing more than to get the task done.  But when we are focused on something that has purpose, will enters the picture and suddenly we have a desire to do the work.  Humans are capable of amazing things.  I’m watching my husband tackle a project he has never done before and he’s doing it beautifully—like it’s innate to him.  I’ve watched him take on projects before and the thing I sincerely admire most about him is his ability to DO.  He has an ability to understand things that is unparalleled when he sees it one time.  It sticks in his brain.  As I’m getting older I fear I am losing that level of elasticity in my mind, but I digress.  I find I am still able to focus and do the work that calls to me, the work that makes sense.  I also had a realization that I’ve been forcing myself to do things I don’t necessarily want to do just so I can prove I can do it.  Like, I want to be strong, but do I really need to be able to lift an armoire on my own?  It’s cool, but I would rather apply my skills and time to my writing/business etc.   My goal isn’t about proving anything anymore—I don’t want to show the world that I can do anything and everything.  I want to do the work that holds meaning and be a creator, not just a do-er.  And when I’m in the middle of that work, life feels different.  I like the work that creates stability in my environment, that allows me to create the environment that I love.  I don’t need to be the strongest, biggest or the -est of anything.  I just need to be me, do the work I love, and feel the reward of that effort.  Do what feels right. Make time for that.  That is the work worth doing.

Today I am grateful for standards and metrics.  This one I am struggling with but my gratitude for it is real.  I’ve operated for too long in ambiguity where I have a general idea of what I want to do and I work a little bit toward everything every day.  That’s all I’ve known.  I try to fit in what I like to do in the time I have available when my brain thinks of it.  I’ve realized how hard it is to lead whether it is in our own lives toward goals or leading others.  Leading is about guidance and influence rather than sheer force.  It’s about clarity and level setting and understanding where we are at in relation to where we want to be and then knowing how to close the gap.  I always felt I had a pretty clear vision of what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be—and I do—but I was always fuzzy on the how to get there.  I wasn’t sure of what the RPAs looked like to ensure that I was heading in the right direction and the work I was doing was meaningful.  I did a beautiful job planning out my January—like I am really proud of the work that I did and put down on paper.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to stick to a lot of that even though it was really specific.  I had put down too many things for each day, I overestimated what I could do in my time, and I also gave in to temptation too often.  I spent some time this past weekend working on developing a better plan with clear metrics so I’d know if I was meeting my goals.  I’m still struggling with putting down the timeline for these goals, but I have a better idea of the work I need to do to get there.  I have a better vision of what I need the day to day to look like.  When we have a clear vision of who we want to be and what we want our lives to look like, when we find that inspiration, it’s easier to know when we hit a milestone.  I’m grateful to have a tool so I know my efforts are meaningful and progressive. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead