Courage looks like so many different things.  I never really considered myself courageous—I’ve often wanted to find a way to take my chances and do the things that called to me, that excited me, and it was only quite recently that I really started to fully explore the complete expression of who I am.  I’ve peeled layers of it for years and I feel I’ve gotten more out there recently than I have in all the previous years.  I was recently told I was courageous for sharing my work, these words, and for going further with my publication.  While it may not be a traditional route, it is still a huge leap, and it felt really nice to have that commended.  I spent too much time in my fiery nature, sitting on the sidelines knowing what I was capable of but allowing myself to drown in fear, putting out my light before I even got a chance to fully ignite it.  I looked for someone to carry my spark rather than tend it on my own, rather than let it grown and expand. I always knew my power was great, I always knew that I had good ideas, that my words carried weight.  I’ve always been incredibly grateful, grateful beyond words in fact, for the gifts I have.  I wasn’t always sure how to handle them, I wasn’t always sure how to express them, or how to pay them back so to speak.  For a long time I didn’t feel I was worthy of the expression of what was rightly and innately mine.  I thought my purpose was to fan the flame for others and become their source of hope, their light, I thought I was supposed to nurture their dreams and make sure they succeeded so that one day someone would do the same for me. 

I looked up to people who had no fear, no doubt, no regret about being who they were.  I saw how they simply said what was on their mind and didn’t worry about someone not liking them or being misunderstood.  When it came to school and facts, I had NO problem opening my mouth, but as I got older and lost some conviction for a while, it became more difficult to feel confidence in what I knew.  I also admired the people who shamelessly went for the things they wanted, everything from trying out for a sport that they hadn’t done before, talking to a teacher in a certain way, leading projects, for those who seemed to shape their reality into what they want.  I admire those who can take nothing and put it into something, those unafraid to break the rules and not follow the directions—I’ve always been terrified to lean on my own instincts.  That, however, is changing, and I’ve taken more leaps forward this past year than I have in nearly my entire life.  From self-care to self-expression, I understand what it feels like to not hide and to simply stand in what we believe.  I admire those who shuck the normal way of doing things, those driven by passion that keeps them going and they feel there is no need to stop, those who operate on their own schedule and according to their own instincts.  It’s an amazing sense of freedom, authenticity, and autonomy.

I want to share my words, let people hear where I’m at and where I’ve been and I want to tell the point of my story, I want to control that narrative rather than let people define me and that means being vulnerable and exposed in some arenas.  There is no reason to wait for someone else to tell me what my life is about when I’m here and can explain it myself.  My voice is worthy.  It’s so weird to have such conviction about my story but have the fear to actually act on it.  I told my sister in more detail about my work and she actually said that she found out today that her sister has more courage than she does.  I was completely taken aback because I have always looked at my sister as one of the bravest people around.  She left home and never came back because she was following her dreams and her instincts.  I know it wasn’t always easy for her but she did it.  She moved 800 miles away because she felt a pull to something that we didn’t understand and she has sustained herself on her own in one of the most emotionally harsh environments out there.  So to hear her tell me that I had bravery in that context made me understand that we all look at each other’s strengths differently.  There is no hierarchy between us, we are sisters.  We are fully grown adults each successful in our own right, each dealing with our own trials and tribulations as well.  But we are on our own paths and on those paths success does look different and there is space for that in both of our lives.

All we have is now.  I don’t want to wait until I’m gone for my message to get out there, with the point of it skewed by millions of experiences and interpretations.  If that is the goal then I can’t hide behind a rock waiting for people to find me.  I need to step up and out and share.  Vulnerability is terrifying, but we have to be vulnerable if we want to get the idea out there.  At one point, nearly all we have was thought of as crazy, everything from electricity to permanent houses to cars.  Hell, it was thought of as crazy that we weren’t the center of the universe.  That didn’t stop those who were curious from literally putting their lives on the line to share those ideas.  Damn the consequences, they moved forward with sharing what they believed.  Doing something new is scary but the more we do the scary thing, the easier it becomes.  The more we stand up and share those pieces, the more comfortable we become.  In order to be that version of ourselves we have to let go of the version that didn’t think we could be that person.  We have to let go of the part of ourselves that holds us back from completely putting ourselves out there.  That is true courage: going after what we want even if it means going against the grain.  I learned a long time ago that even if we don’t feel strong, we are often that backbone for someone else.  If we can do that, if we can support others through whatever they are going through and offer encouragement, then we can do the same for ourselves.  It’s a matter of perspective and sometimes we have to learn to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes.