Today I am grateful for the ability to give back.  I’m human and fully willing to admit my self-obsession.  We all think about how things impact us and we make choices based on what is best for us—we just don’t always evaluate what that means and sometimes we have to look at the bigger picture.  I wasn’t a person who sought gain from other’s efforts—I was always careful on how I spent my energy.  I struggled with giving because I knew how hard I worked to secure enough for myself that I was afraid I wouldn’t get it again.  This past holiday season, I’ve felt an enormous compulsion to give.  I’ve felt blessed to share in a way I haven’t ever felt in my life.  I’ve always loved giving and receiving thoughtful gifts, but I wanted to make sure to make it extra special this year.  I never exactly took things for granted but I often had a narrow view—I could only see things through my lens—and I don’t want to do that.  I want to see how my life fits in the bigger scheme of things, the big picture for what I can offer and apply my talents to.  I have put in a lot of effort to create magic this season, and rather than feel tired, I feel energized and creative.  I feel I am thriving in my element to give like this.  I feel connected when I see things I know are for someone and I am able to get it to them.  I feel it is a sign of great connection to get something so personal, no matter how small.  The ability to see and be seen is the greatest gift we can give.  It is incredibly fulfilling.    

Today I am grateful for love.  Love looks so different for everyone.  We don’t always get to say what we want to and even if we have the opportunity it doesn’t always come out right.  One thing I’ve learned this year with painful clarity is that we need to take every chance we can to spend time with those we care about and to make sure they know how much we care.  People express and process emotions differently and all we can do is make sure to be present and help them through it.  Help them navigate things they haven’t before—there is a deep love in the ministry of presence.  Presence is all that is needed at times.  I think of the losses my family has experienced over the last two years and it has shown that grudges and misunderstanding each other has no place when it comes to time—that isn’t a game we will win.  Sooner or later our clock will run out and we have 100% authority and autonomy over our decisions—don’t decide to live in regret.  Take the chances we have now.  Be present now.  Show love and affection now.  Say what we need to say now even if it’s a hard conversation.  I’ve learned that, as hard as it is to say the difficult things, I’d rather live with the option of explaining and working through a challenging conversation than spend time wishing I had just said what I needed to say.  I’ve let my feelings get in the way too often.  I’ve let my interpretation of someone else’s feelings and behaviors get in the way.  We can never get back the time we wish we had—but we can make every effort to show love now, no matter how ugly that can get.  All we need to do is be there. 

Today I am grateful for support.  I’ve had some complicated experiences in my relationships over the last few months—not that I haven’t had complications prior to this, but the last few months have been trying in a new way.  I’ve been building new relationships with people and learning more about myself and as I go through that process, it amazes me how much we must continually learn about who we are to make better decisions.  We are always learning as we are constantly evolving—and we need to.  Life is always in flux and dynamics change between people because the dynamics change with our circumstances and who we are.  That is completely normal.  I’ve been blessed to find people who care and who have been there for me at different stages—I’ve also faced some of the darkest times in my life completely alone.  This isn’t unique by any means, we’ve all had that.  What I’ve experienced over the last few months was a shift in understanding about my needs.  I’d have no issue cutting people out for treating me like crap but I’d feel guilty or I’d feel bad—like I’d know it was the right thing to do but I’d always hear that voice in the back of my head making excuses for their behavior thinking it was about understanding them when really it was allowing them to walk all over me.  Finding the people I have in more recent weeks has been eye opening in seeing what it’s like when there is real mutual experience versus mutual interests.  Interests can bring people together but they can still be very different people at heart whereas mutual experiences shape people and their thinking in a similar way.  I’ve been manipulated and allowed things I shouldn’t have out of guilt and fear and I’ve manipulated people thinking that is what friendship looked like.  It is far more empowering to find like minded people versus trying to fit a mold.  I’m grateful to have that now.    

Today I am grateful for family.  I feel like this one needs to almost be a standing item of gratitude.  I know not every family gets along and certainly there is no perfect family, and I do not claim to have a perfect family.  But I have learned this year that any crap that happens between families, within families, or within our own minds is just that: crap.  Relationships are tricky even under the best of circumstances and it is really hard to let go of things that happen in the past, especially when we are hurt.  We only get one family.  I don’t suggest we allow ourselves to be hurt or taken advantage of, but I do suggest we evaluate where our ego gets involved and if we are being unnecessarily stubborn.  Family is a built in support, an education system, a belief system, a source.  Again, it isn’t perfect, but if we really stop to think about it, we are so fortunate to learn what we can from the people we are born into.  The struggles in life will take over if we let them and we will always find ways to resent those moments that feel like they took us off course or we believe resulted from someone else.  But once we understand that we have always done the best we could with what we have and that all of those people before us were human and doing the same thing, we create more space and grace to settle into the unit and even break some of those rougher habits.  Sometimes the family supports us and other times we support them.  We all learn from each other, It is a give and take.  I am grateful for both the support I have received and the support I give.        

Today I am grateful for fun.  Honestly, I think I understand more and more that fun is needed.  I know that we can’t ignore our responsibilities, but having fun needs to be part of our responsibility.  We need to take the time to decompress and enjoy what is around us, what we have built, what we have access to, and the people in our lives otherwise we start to take things for granted.  When we take things for granted we lose sight of the magic and that is when we become angry and resentful.  I truly spent way too much time trying to be that serious girl because I wanted to be taken seriously.  I thought I would always be held back and not allowed to move forward on my more serious dreams if people thought I was a joke—and many people have thought I was a joke over the years.  But I see now that allowing them to deter me from fun made my life even more challenging.  It put me in a position where I was always responsible for everything, it made me unapproachable, it made me frustrated, and it made me take things way too seriously—and it also made me miss out.  I missed out on learning how to connect, how to network, how to do some basic things, how to communicate, how to ask for and offer help.  I didn’t know how to play and I didn’t see the value in it.  AS of late I’ve decided to put more time toward play, toward presence, toward creativity.  There are 100% still things that need to be done and need to be taken seriously, but that isn’t how we have to live our lives.  We can address what needs to be addressed and not live waiting for the next responsibility.  We can create, we can enjoy, we can participate, we can speak, we can make mistakes, we can lead, we can follow, we can play—and we need to be able to do all of it.  There is enough trouble in our personal lives and in the world lately—we need to be able to stop and take stock, take perspective, and learn how to have fun as a tool. Let go of the hurt and the desire to hurt or have power over others, and embrace love and joy.     

Wishing everyone a wonderful week and a Happy, Healthy, Prosperous New Year ahead!