Disclaimer: I’m taking some time to connect spiritually here so I have some religious context to discuss this evening—if it isn’t for you, I will be back to my regularly scheduled content tomorrow.

“We may not be able to get it together until after we show up in such miserable shape.  We learn to commune and pray at our lowest.  God can handle honesty and prayer begins with an honest conversation.  When you’re telling the truth you’re close to God,” Anne Lamott. This quote tells me what happens after that dark night we’ve been talking about—and the purpose of it.  That lowest point comes when what we are doing isn’t working and we have run out of options.  This tells me how we pick up the pieces when we feel we can’t go on and all we can do is move on.  How we find that light by removing the veil in our lives and seeing things honestly and completely, seeing how we’ve contributed to where we are.  How we have to surrender control and understand that letting go isn’t about admitting defeat, it’s admitting we need help. I used to question how a God would let us fall apart in spite of our greatest effort, how we could get so close we can taste it, and then it all falls apart.  I questioned how we can have such clear vision and still not reach the point of seeing it through.  I questioned how such beautiful things happen amidst ugliness and how it can be so ugly in the beauty.  I’d be angry for my losses, and resentful.  Life seemed a giant contradiction. 

I’ve had a tenuous relationship with God, but I’ve found myself turning to Him more often, quite frankly, in spite of myself.  I’ve shared the stories from my childhood where I felt the difference in belief between my Grandmother and Grandfather—to my Grandma belief was an obligation and I used to say that it was natural to my Grandfather.  As I’ve gotten older, I understand now the difference is that my Grandfather was curious where my Grandmother was afraid.  He Believed out of the curiosity of his heart and wanting to know what that connection to God felt like, where my Grandmother was afraid of what would happen if she didn’t believe.  So perhaps it isn’t Belief in spite of myself, perhaps it’s curiosity.  It wouldn’t be the first time curiosity has brought me to the very thing I thought I didn’t need.  On the eve of the birth of His son, I want to acknowledge the bigger picture.  It doesn’t have to be any type of religious experience or belief, but we are absolutely tied to something bigger—and that I have always believed.  We are guided and loved and we have a purpose.  Whether or not you believe that from a spiritual or religious standpoint is up to you.  For me I’ve always looked at religion as man’s work.  I 100% find value in it because I find very little wrong with a spiritual context based in love and helping– but I feel religion is about adhering to a standard of man, not God.  The following of our spiritual beliefs, that is God’s work.  I share this tonight because I personally feel like I’ve been through the wringer lately.  The last several years, decades, lifetime has felt like a series of jumping from one event to the next, like I’ve just been surviving.  I have so many beautiful things in my life, I am truly blessed—I don’t want to feel like I’m just getting by anymore or just hanging on.  I very much want to revel in the thrill and joy of life.

This night, Christmas Eve, and Christmas itself, is a dark night for some. Some of us are alone and confused, some of us are waiting for answers on a dream/goal/relationship, some of us are hurting and wanting to understand how we got here, some of us just don’t believe in the magic behind any of it—and I’m not just talking about Santa.  I personally spent this year in a very confused state of mind.  I may have lost faith at some points but I didn’t lose hope.  I know there is always a chance that things can change and often they do when we least expect it.  On this night in particular, surrounded by friends and knowing family will be here tomorrow, I am grateful and hopeful.  Hope is a great thing.  And for those of us who are struggling right now, those questioning what’s happening in their lives, remember this: The greatest trials were faced on this day in preparation to bring in the Messiah and still They moved forward in faith knowing that the pain and effort were meant to bring forth something so great the world had never seen it before.  Exiled, shunned, persecuted, the parents of Jesus were not living in glory on this evening, but they had hope for Glory.  The found refuge in a manger, cold, dirty, hungry, and in pain.  And in spite of that, life came forth—and not just any life, but Life.   The epitome of Light in the dark.  Even if you don’t Believe (and I didn’t for a long time), believe that there is life after this, there is light in us.  They say we are tested the most right before a breakthrough, and I feel that now.  This entire year has gone by in a blur, filled with moments of laughter and joy, but also fear and uncertainty and the necessity to live in limbo for a while, getting comfortable with the unknown.  In those darkest moments we need to remember the light.  Never let that spark extinguish.  Find joy and love and hope.