Love is so complicated.  Human beings feel a lot and there is some degree of relationships where we compromise and bend to make something work.  But when it’s only one person bending, eventually that person will bend to the point they may break or they won’t be able to stand straight again.  We lose a certain part of ourselves if we continually blur the boundaries for others.  I will never dim my light, dampen my flame for the sake of someone else’s insecurity again.  Never.  I’ve done it for 23 years, placated by people telling me they wouldn’t do x,y, z again only to get what they need and do it again. I’ve given in to everyone close to me damn near every time.  I have NEVER been perfect by any means, in fact, there are so many things I feel so ashamed of that I haven’t really begun exploring the depths of what I feel/fear in some ways and those are the reasons I have allowed people to walk over me—for fear of my mistakes like I deserve to be walked on.  I think I had felt like crap about myself for so long that I didn’t think I was ever worthy of being liked or cared for or that my opinion mattered.  Like I was lucky if people gave me the time of day.  That I was only good for facts but not ideas.

But one consistent feeling that has ruled me (in spite of not feeling worthy as a general rule) was that on some level, I knew I didn’t deserve to be ignored or walked over and used when convenient. Mainly because the feelings kept coming back or the ideas kept repeating themselves.  I never had a real understanding of a healthy relationship as nearly every relationship I’d witnessed or been part of was codependent in many ways.  So when it comes to love, I thought that meant blurring the lines of my own identity for the sake of the relationship and the relationship needed to come first at all costs.  Now, in any partnership there must be compromise and we don’t always get our way nor do the other parties involved, but that doesn’t mean one person gets what they want while the other cleans up or runs interference.  It can be complicated to set that boundary when it never existed.  Love means understanding when that boundary is needed, and I’m learning that when there is real love, that boundary is never tested in the first place.

So why do we tolerate what isn’t good for us and make allowances for people to treat us like crap?  Is it because we are social creatures and crave the companionship even if it hurts us?  Perhaps it is so we can develop an understanding for what does work for us and what we want in the future.  Not every relationship is meant to pan out.  Sometimes the time we spend with people is simply so we can discover something about ourselves and move on.  Sometimes we are meant to learn our boundaries and when we need to bend.  But we can’t let our previous experiences translate into a belief about who we are and what we deserve because the other person’s interactions are based on their experiences and not necessarily the truth of what’s happening.  I know now that I don’t want someone just to fill a void or a warm spot in my life. I want someone who understands my mind and soul as well because it is in understanding the soul that we are most seen and heard and understood. This life is too short and those who are threatened by our light have no place in our lives.  Sometimes we have to recenter because we will repeat the pattern and bring into our lives what we accept and tolerate, and that recentering is a recalibration of who we are and what we want.  Relationships go through phases so we need to make sure our relationship to ourselves is strongest of all.  It takes practice but that isn’t complicated.