“The only way to protect our peace is making a decision we know will break our heart,” JB Copeland.  This was a tough one.  I thought of all the moments when I had to say goodbye to people I knew weren’t good for me.  the moments I should have said goodbye.  The goodbyes I missed but really wanted.  I think of all these decisions and each one broke my heart in its own way.  We create this zone of comfort with people and events and things we bring into our lives and sometimes we have to accept the very thing we designed to give us an idea of safety and comfort is the very thing that chokes us.  We need to cut ties.  The part that breaks my heart is that I know in some cases I made the wrong choices about who to cut out—and sometimes I was the one cut out.  Truth be told I’m not sure which hurt worse—the one doing the cutting or being cut out. 

We’ve all had losses and over the last couple of years I’ve dealt with some challenging ones.  I lost both of my aunts, my only two blood aunts.  The first had been relatively estranged, cutting us out for her own reasons (and reasons I actually do understand) but my siblings and I were on the end cut off.  Not being able to see her until she was on her deathbed, hearing her say she missed us nearly did me in.  The time wasted, the love we had, the good times we missed over the years.  Again, while I feel her choice was understandable, she missed out on my life and I missed hers.  My other aunt is more complicated—not that I didn’t love her, but her own troubles got the best of her and she partially cut us out.  And I decided to cut her out because I couldn’t deal with what she needed to work through.  I regret that to a degree and I understand my anger may have been misplaced in some ways.  But the finality of it hit hard.  Her death was completely unexpected and I still feel numb about it.  Each one did what they did to protect their peace.

I am fortunate to have people around me that are willing to go to bat for me and who are there in a pinch if I need them.  I am grateful for it.  That doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t complicated by the fact that some of those kind things are met with expectation—and sometimes I can’t afford that bill because that bill is often giving up what I need to do for what they want me to do.  They are lovely, wonderful people but they aren’t good for me.  Friendship means reciprocity of feelings and problem solving and when one is always the center of attention it isn’t healthy for the other person to work through their stuff.  It breaks my heart because they would do nearly anything for me, but they won’t help me grow and the won’t support my efforts.