I’ve felt a little lost over the last few weeks.  Things I’ve been working on seem to be going in circles, not quite on the trajectory I had hoped.  There’s a lot of effort for little return at the moment and many things vying for my attention.  Basically, not much was coming together how I thought it would have and I got really tired and confused and, frankly, stuck.  I allowed the negative momentum to hit me even in spaces that I have been incredibly focused on like my health—and naturally I felt like crap.  It’s challenging to keep the spirits up when the effort seems to stagnate or outright spiral down and I got to the point I had no energy at all and wanted to do NOTHING.  I couldn’t write, my thoughts didn’t seem to want to come together, I didn’t know who to hang out with, plans seemed futile even for things I had been looking forward to doing.  I didn’t want to go to work and I didn’t want to do anything around the house either.  Everything felt like it was out of place, like that square wheel—it moves forward but certainly not without extra effort.  I can’t say it was a rock bottom moment or anything, but I felt pretty confused and low. Those moments can make it difficult to continue and when they happen with frequency across many areas, it makes it even more challenging.  Like, we have all these ideas and no way to bring them to fruition.

So the universe works in some funny ways, sending us reminders and messages, so often in unexpected places, unexpected ways, from unexpected people.  This confusion has lasted for months now, progressively getting worse but always working in waves as we’ve spent so much time in limbo this year.  We arrived at this past weekend and I expected nothing different—I knew it was going to be a busy weekend, but I didn’t expect anything different—but you know what they say about lightning striking.  I took an extra day off work to celebrate Halloween with my family and friends and to get some of my projects done around the house.  We spent time with our friends on Halloween, and I noticed the group further expanding and integrating—and instead of getting angry/jealous like I had been previously, I listened to what was happening and I recognized the value in connecting and networking—not that this is a revelation, but it helped me finally put aside some of the ego struggles I’ve been having and we had a great time that night.  I spent Friday with friends making Christmas gifts and that perspective also changed: Insecurity leads to power struggles and there are times we have to stop fighting for power and just learn from each other.  Recognize the value we have and understand that even fi relationships change, it doesn’t mean they were ever false or tainted.  Plus that night was a great reminder of creativity and ingenuity.          

Saturday was spent with friends at the holiday market and it was nice to reconnect with some people I had been feeling a bit distant from—we’ve been having some power struggles and I have been feeling completely excluded at times.  Given the events of Friday, I put aside my ego and did my best to stay open and we had a really nice time.  We then went to my brother’s for a little bit to celebrate his birthday and I watched my son have a great time with his uncle out on the farm, completely free, and my brother relax enough to have fun.  We got back early afternoon and ended up at some friend’s house—I had a lovely conversation with a friend’s mother, got a book from another, and then we ended the night all together in the garage of a third friend with the same group we had started with that morning.  I listened and learned a lot about one of the group and saw how freakin’ strong they are; from surviving disease, to building businesses, to standing on their own in their choices, I saw how surrounded I am by strength and determination.  I also found my own strength and voiced what had held me back in the beginning of my relationship with one of them—I told her the entire truth about my concerns and my perception.  She never knew what happened, and speaking with her, she voiced her appreciation for telling her what was actually happened.    

Sunday night came around and we had a dinner planned with family that came in from Minnesota. This is when things finally started to click for me.  We started talking about the family history and where we came from and the memories came flooding back.  In spite of all the fears and anxiety on that particular side of the family, they too took the chance and started lives for themselves.  I listened to stories with the same theme repeated over and over: we had a vision and we followed it and we created success.  We sacrificed certain things but we always came back to what we knew in our hearts and followed what we were meant to do.  The family had drive and spirit and followed their instincts—always.  Everyone started on a leap of faith, often with nothing more than said faith.  These things are in the blood.  The creative desire, the drive, the action, the calling, the purpose, the will and the want to do something different for ourselves.  I’m not just saying it’s in our blood, it’s in everyone.  But what clicked for me that night is that I am SURROUNDED by living examples of strength, entrepreneurship, survival, hope, tenacity, creativity, joy, independence, courage, directness, will, purpose, and power.  So many examples in one weekend that the message leapt out at me: there is nothing holding me back but me—take the damn leap and forget the rest.  Stop hesitating and live my life. 

The only reason it’s been stagnant and confused is because I let it get that way, trying to make a particular outcome out of a crappy situation.  Let it go, let the situation drown and allow myself to swim.  Remember who I am and remember the examples of who I am with—if we are the sum of those we surround ourselves with, then I am all of those things as well.  Sometimes we just need to be reminded—keep going even if it seems dark or confusing or all lost—it isn’t.  We know who we are, always—don’t let anyone convince us we don’t.  Just stick it out and be steadfast in who we are and soon the answers make sense because they were the answers we already knew.  We didn’t need anyone to tell us otherwise.  We simply needed to get rid of the noise telling us we had no idea.  There is a time to stop and gather our bearings and there is a time to push forward trusting our balance will kick in.  Sometimes the universe throws us off kilter so we can discover the balance again, so we can redirect, so we can remember that it isn’t about comfort, it’s about maintaining our path.  The lessons come from all those who came before us and in those we surround ourselves with, in our instincts and in what feels right.  Don’t ignore any of that.  We are never lost if we know where we come from.