Today I am grateful for allowing new experiences in my life.  When things aren’t working out how we think they should, it’s easy to fall apart with them—and as much as I’m working on it, I know I still have a hard time controlling emotion.  Personally, confusion seems to be ramping up significantly in my life as well.  Nothing seems quite so sure-footed as it used to, nothing so certain, there really aren’t any black and white answers on anything.  The universe waits for us to make choices and fills in the steps to get there, but what happens when we waver on what the options even are?  A pattern I’ve noticed in my life is that I will make a decision and then some event will happen that will immediately make me contradict my choice.  I spent a lot of time in resentment thinking the universe constantly told me that my choices were wrong.  But I’m seeing now that one of two things actually happens: the universe is waiting for us to choose and then wants to make sure we are certain, or it is telling us that we need to reconsider the path we are on.  The only way we know for certain is if we have enough experience in our lives to show us that we are on the right path—for us.  I took an extra day off this past weekend to enjoy Halloween with my family and ended up spending my days doing some new things—shopping on my own, making candles, going to the town market determined to get things for others, hanging out with people.  I’ve seen with more certainty that I need more time away from my job and more time doing what I need to be doing in my life.  I’m grateful to be around people who have done the same things and are encouraging new choices as it keeps me motivated as well—and encouraged because they’ve been through this and have made choices to follow their own path.  I need to do the same thing. 

Today I am grateful for stepping out of my comfort zone with time and experiences.  I stress when my weekends or my free time is too determined for me.  I still fall into old habits at work where I feel like I need to ask permission to lead my day as I see fit, where I know specific things need to get done but I have to get the blessing of my boss (who is technically only my interim boss at the moment).  Waiting for permission on anything causes delays and I can’t seem to totally break the habit.  This particular weekend has been incredibly busy as we have a lot of activity planned each day so I tend to not feel relaxed (who does when every day has something else attached to it?) but I’ve realized that I have control over it.  I have control over what I need to do, how I spend my time, and what I want to do and I don’t need to feel guilty for it.  Like I said above, sometimes the universe tests us to see how committed we are to our plans and what we think we need to do.  I had to let go of time and just allow things to unfold how they are meant to and commit to the things I said I was going to do.  I don’t need to justify or get permission to do things: I just need to decide and do them.             

Today I am grateful for rethinking what needs to be done in my life.  I spent time making candles with one group of friends this weekend (gifts for Christmas) and then I spent time with old friends, family, and some new friends.  I felt different with each group but there was some level of comfort with each of them as well.  Each group representing different sides of me and I’m learning to integrate them a bit differently.  I spent time with the crafty and thrifty side, the people who support me, and someone who is showing me that what I want is possible and it’s time to take a leap—and to not feel guilty for making the decision I need to if I’m trusting my gut.  It was a weekend of entrepreneurs and creativity.  I have always had an entrepreneurial spirit because my family has been entrepreneurial forever—and I’ve had a creative side because there is a lot of creativity in my blood as well.  I am not around these people by accident.  I know what I am meant to do and they are encouraging me to do it—or at least encouraging me to be in touch with the things I want to do.  I am grateful for these reminders to stay on my path.   

Today I am grateful for putting things in perspective with relationships—we can call it honesty.  I’ve made no secret about the need to people please and how engrained that is in me whether it’s with friends, family, work, or people I’ve just met.  I don’t want to offend anyone and I don’t want to create a reason to be disliked—but that has been put to the test a lot lately because there are people around that I struggled with for various reasons—literal high school crap, non-supportive when needed, only there if I do exactly what they say, making it all about them all the time, I pre-judged some of them as the sum of who they surrounded themselves with—but I never had the courage to talk about what was actually going on.  I let my husband’s behavior and lack of respect for my boundaries spill onto these people because I didn’t initially know how to speak to them and I misplaced my anger for my husband on them.  Last night after finally getting alone with one group, I was able to be honest and tell a new friend exactly why/what the issue I had in the beginning was—everything from misplaced anger from a different third party and my wrong pre-judgement, from being frustrated with my husband and needing space after work and how I knew it impacted the group viewed me, to my insecurity with making people see the truth about me, and then confirming that the people we thought were at the center of the group were really trash talking and manipulating the entire thing—and as soon as the other people in the group started expanding and speaking directly to each other they panicked and needed to be involved.    

Today I am grateful for a new type of energy.  In this exact moment I do not feel the need to repeat patterns.  It’s a Sunday and I’m thinking about what will happen tomorrow and for the first time, I legitimately don’t care.  I know what’s happening right now isn’t working—professionally or personally and I’m seeing where the influence of others has impacted me.  I’m seeing exactly where I need to make my own choices—and this is different than before because before I didn’t feel like I as quite this close to the end of my rope.  Right now I feel like I have no tolerance to do anything that I don’t want to be doing.  Trust me I know that sounds a certain way, but the beauty of being at that point in life is that the pieces that don’t work become hyper-focused and we start to see the path toward what we need to do.  I’m grateful to do what feels right in my life.  I’m grateful to see that making choices like I’ve known and preached for ages is supported entirely by the universe—that isn’t to say it isn’t work to bring those visions to life, but it is a different kind of work.  In spite of the wavering and fear in my own life, I’ve always remained consistent in my messaging that the call of what we are meant to do is strong enough to pull us wherever we need to go and all we need to do is listen to it.  Trust that whatever we need will come to us and that we will be supported—that we can support ourselves.  Take the chance, do the different thing, and if we are confused about what to do next, pause and listen.  And if all else fails, just freakin’ do it.  The worst that can happen is that we find out we don’t want to do what we tried to do and we get closer to what we do want.  Stop wasting time doing what doesn’t work.      

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.