Today I am grateful for realizing results.  I’ve spoken on here frequently about health, most often mental health but I haven’t shared much of my physical journey.  I turned 40 earlier this year and there was something about that number that sharpened my focus on what was important.  It was with the utmost clarity that I realized I couldn’t screw around anymore and there wasn’t going to be anyone to advocate or fix what needed fixing in my life—yes, that is even a topic of which I’ve spoken here as well.  I couldn’t spend anymore time waiting for what I wanted to do, or wait for signs of what I want to do; I needed to listen to the feelings and start doing, and one of those areas was physical health.  I have some areas of my health that I watch closely due to family history and early symptoms I’m seeing in myself.  Plus, with honest self-awareness, I knew the years spent in non-committal ventures professional, health, entrepreneurial, and other areas, I decided it was time to commit to something in these arenas.  And our health system isn’t the most supportive of health-care (we practice sick care) so this is something we all need to take into consideration for ourselves. I started a journey addressing my physical health and I am down 34.4 pounds.  This has been a tough journey of learning discipline and figuring out what my body really needs and putting what I knew into practice.  The results speak for themselves and it is a great reaffirmation of the power of focus, commitment, and allowing change.          

Today I am grateful for second chances—and third, and fourth, etc.  Sometimes our boundaries are tested in multiple ways.  I made the decision earlier this year to not speak to a particular individual because of a former mutual friend—I had put the boundary in place that I wasn’t going to speak to the mutual friend because I was no longer going to tolerate people who behaved how she did toward me.  I wanted to enforce respect and show that I respected myself by not having someone in my life who treated me that way. I’m no longer willing to people-please so I wasn’t going to deal with that crap any longer; I simply have no room in my life to waste time on people who aren’t treating me well.  That brought in this particular individual: I didn’t personally know her but I knew she had a friendship with the mutual friend so, maintaining my boundaries, I didn’t have room for people who associated with people who disrespected me.  As the universe would have it (and a particularly stubborn husband) this individual began coming around more often (different reasons) and I lost my shit at first.  Then I realized that the relationship this individual had with the rest of our group wasn’t going to change.  That meant it was up to me to decide how to move forward: cut out the entire group or look at this person differently.  We had some decent conversations but I have learned to not wear my heart on my sleeve too early in the relationship so to speak.  But what has evolved has been nice so I grateful for both giving and receiving a second chance to see the type of friendship we may spark.  We never know why people are brought into our lives so sometimes we have to be patient to figure it out-and it’s always worth it.   

Today I am grateful for seeing the truth.  When people show you who they are, believe them.  This applies on several levels: character, personality, general habit.  A friend of mine often quotes Nietzsche’s saying, “I judge a person by their patterns not what they’ve most recently done…. and that can be tricky when an individual shows contradictory sides—while I can dive into the reasons for this behavior, the truth is this: how one person treats an individual around you, they treat you when you’re not around.  I consider myself fortunate to live around people we can rely on if needed and we can have fun with—it’s a tight community.  But there is a pattern from one couple that tells me something: they befriend everyone to be the ones people trust.  At first I didn’t notice anything strange, they were open and generous and kind and had a way about them you just trusted.  Little things started happening like off comments about other people, often in humor.  After time, they were talking shit about other people in the group but it was in a loving/humorous way if that makes sense—like talking shit about funny anecdotes etc.  Then it evolved into personal stuff and talking about other people’s character.  The we turn around and suddenly they’re hanging out with these people.  It suddenly seemed they only hung out with people as it was beneficial to them.  Who knows, maybe this is human nature and this is how relationships work: we talk shit about the ones we love, I don’t know.  But the truth is this—who they show you behind other people’s back is who they are behind your back and we have to form our own opinions.

Today I am grateful for breaking habits and making a decision.  My job is needlessly stressful, mainly due to personalities and lack of clarity, but this past week I got myself so worked up with a few incidents at work that went beyond any normal stress.  I realized I was dealing with several unhinged individuals.  I don’t exaggerate behavior and this is something I’ve never encountered with other adults.  A level of maliciousness and demand on other people’s behavior that is entirely inappropriate.  When I shared the nature of the incident with someone higher than me, this person basically told me it was my fault regarding not documenting specific action in our HR system.  I have record of everything, it’s just not all documented where this person thought it should be, and she told me I have poor follow through with other employees as far as corrective action.  Let’s be honest, no one likes dealing with disciplining adults, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t addressed poor behavior and department expectation previously.  This particular employee presents multiple challenges so I tread lightly.  Plus HR isn’t so keen on documenting or supporting disciplinary action for events toward the manager—management really isn’t supported.  This past week went to a new level in shitty behavior from this employee and from this higher up. So my decision is to always remember they are human and that I don’t need to tolerate this from other humans regardless of some hierarchy—there are many opportunities out there and I do not need to settle for this type of crap—I am worth more.  I knew there was discussion behind my back about misperceptions and I had that confirmed and then this event happened and it revealed all that disturbs me in people.  I can move on to something else—and that is my plan.         

Today I am grateful for getting closer to the feeling of how I want to be.  Often times we don’t realize the level of stress, denial, pain, fear, or anything else that we are in until we really begin to peel back the layers.  In deciding that I won’t tolerate shitty behavior toward me in any environment, and that I have every right to speak up, I know I’ve been afraid of trusting my own intelligence.  I’ve been afraid of standing on something without all the facts and having holes punched in it because I didn’t remember the facts correctly.  I feel like I can’t rely on my mind any longer.  Stress affects how memories are formed and recalled, and I’ve been under a degree of stress I’ve never encountered before (and aging doesn’t help either)—so I don’t trust my mind.  That is something I can remedy both with emotional management as well as taking the time to focus on what really matters and learn about it.  By slowing down and managing my health, appropriate discipline and focus, I can remedy a lot of this.  And as I step through different levels of letting go of bullshit, things get clearer, the patterns recognized earlier, and I can correct sooner.  I see more and more how I want to feel and that means letting go of some trust issues and other long held fears/beliefs about relationships and simply recognizing what does and doesn’t work. It means no longer playing a role, trying to be someone else—it’s fully embracing who we are and leaning into what feels right.  I am an adult, time is short, there is no reason to hide/hold back who we are.  Sometimes we just need that reminder. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.