When the stumble turns into the need to let go of what we thought we’d never have to say good-bye to—people, things, ideas, hopes, whatever it may be.  We have to learn that sometimes the most painful thing isn’t letting go of the thing, it’s letting go of the idea of the thing, what we thought it represented to us.  We define power in certain ways and each of us has a certain level of power we want and that can include the ability to bring that vision to life.  We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be a certain way and achieve certain things and make certain things happen.  I talked about upholding traditions at the sacrifice of who I was—and I did it willingly.  I wanted people to be happy, I wanted to make them feel happy about what I had done.  That was a version of GirlBossing it for me because I was making things happen.  I wanted to have it all together and elicit certain responses out of people.  I couldn’t accept that time moves on and that I was responsible not for repeating the patterns that made other people happy, but that I was responsible and it was possible to create a new tradition of my own.  I was afraid to let go, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find myself.  I was controlling the wrong things.   

As it would happen, I just read Stassi Schroeder’s book You Can’t Have It All: The Basic Bitch Guide to Taking the Pressure Off.  In this book Schroeder talks about how seeking power can run our power out.  I recently spoke about how there usually is a reason why things fall apart and it is more often so we can become the version of ourselves we need to be.  I spoke of the discomfort of letting go of what we know especially when we feel what we know is working.  So far Schroeder has been talking about the decline of the GirlBoss and the unhealthy habits that culture has inspired—that idea of power we have and hold onto.  The one that says we can’t let any sign of weakness show—most of us equate this to a business environment but we GirlBoss all over.  Truthfully I still love the idea of the GirlBoss where we are in charge of our lives and we navigate the terrain ourselves, we call the shots, we make things happen.  What I accepted a long time ago is that the GirlBoss culture didn’t need to look the same so I don’t have the same focus on appearance or making myself look a certain way—I want to embrace the GirlBoss that’s comfortable in her own skin and making that type of life that she wants, work, no matter what it is. 

I recently wrote about how we sometimes have to quit to win, the sunk cost fallacy.  We need to recognize the signs when GirlBoss isn’t working and we need to cut ties to the ideas we had.  We need to let that portion of our lives go because it’s holding us back rather than acting as a float.  The trouble with GirlBoss is not knowing when to let go when things aren’t working, when we hold onto the idea so tightly that even if we stumble, even if we are hurt beyond learning a lesson, we try to make it happen.  Ironic that just as I’m having this epiphany in my own life and trying to decide what we are doing moving forward (basically trying to figure out what we really want instead of what we want to show we have), I stumble across this writing that talks about how we need to let go of what the image is, how we need to let go of what doesn’t work and get back in touch with what we feel and understanding what works for us.  Typing out thousands of words all the time is a joy for me, I love doing this.  And I talk about how we have control of our lives and there are skills I haven’t applied to this yet.  But what am I trying to control?  Am I trying to prove I can be in control of every situation, that nothing phases me?  What happens if I turn that energy toward what I really want instead of what I feel like I have to do?  We can still GirlBoss all day but when we are in touch with that side of ourselves, it’s more authentic and we aren’t draining ourselves.

We are the boss of our own lives, that will never change.  If things aren’t going exactly how we thought they would, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong.  It just means we need to pause and take stock of what we really want.  If it isn’t working then perhaps we need a different approach.  Like I’ve been talking about this week, sometimes no isn’t no forever, it’s meant to guide us to where we are meant to be.  We can’t have it all but we can have all that is meant for us.  We can have it all when we learn to turn the stumble into the dance and when we learn to transmute pain—or better, when we learn to let go of pain that doesn’t serve.  We get in touch with our power when we stop pushing for power for power’s sake and we embrace who we are.  The loss of an idea or understanding the potential of an idea isn’t panning out doesn’t mean we have failed.  It means we are adaptable and able to pivot toward what works.  We know ourselves enough to know what we really need and we let go of the rest.  We don’t need to force anything, we take the chance to fully be who we are meant to be, pain, power, and the stumble all melding into one.  Don’t force the image, simply be.