We ended last week talking about how we try to hide the messy because we are taught to present a specific appearance to the world.  An air of control supporting the idea that we are calling the shots at all times.  We are trained to protect the illusion even if we know it isn’t working or even real.  Worse, we make each other do that so we can protect the image and illusion other people have.  But as we discussed, clean doesn’t always reflect the reality. Sometimes the clean we are trying to force doesn’t work.  Sometimes we reach our breaking point and it doesn’t have anything to do with being messy or clean—it just needs to happen.  We already knew something wasn’t working and then we shift to the point where we can’t protect it any longer.  Sometimes we have to break things as they were in order to make them what they need to be.  I completely lost my shit at work the other day and, ego and all other nonsense aside, it was entirely justified.  I finally reached my breaking point with the finger pointing and the accusation and the insinuation that I wasn’t doing enough or that I was doing something wrong.  I lost my cool regarding the idea that we are supposed to know everything in every action and if we don’t do it the way one particular group would then it’s automatically wrong.  I got tired of the gaslighting and people lighting fires when they are completely unnecessary, the fights for people trying to do their best.  Being told how to manage my team when the only thing they did wrong was not fully understand their power to stand their ground with a customer—and they tried. 

When these truths came to light, I couldn’t keep them in.  I truly felt out of control with what was spewing out of me—but as it was happening I knew it was exactly what needed to be said, what needed to happen, and the new understanding I needed to fully incorporate. When we come undone, so much of it can’t be brought back—once it’s out there, it’s out.  I was always trained to hide that truth, to keep it in because we didn’t want to offend someone or we couldn’t look foolish if we were wrong.  Sometimes that’s exactly what needs to happen to get to the next stage—we have to come undone to start becoming what we are meant to be.  These last years have been about towing the line, feeling inferior, keeping under the radar because I didn’t know what I was doing—or I didn’t feel I knew.  The bottom line is different viewpoints don’t make another person wrong, talking about someone’s efforts behind their back is always bullshit, and if there is a problem address it face to face (nothing gets resolved talking about an issue with everyone else but the person involved).  So instead of navigating this game of manipulation and playing nice to get what we want out of people only to find their actions didn’t meet their words, we put a stop to it.  As we get older something happens where we shift from trying to play nice to doing what is right—and even that shifts from keeping the peace to keeping peace of mind.  We do no one any good if we aren’t mentally stable ourselves, if we aren’t full ourselves.  There is the saying that we can’t pour from an empty cup but the truth is a half-full cup empties quickly and we start to burn out.  Don’t let people guilt us beyond our means.

People seek power in the form of things and over others.  We have a false idea of what power actually means and we’ve misinterpreted it to a level of control or superiority.  People are always brave over the phone, always bold when they don’t have to look the person in the eye, and always confident when they haven’t heard all sides of the story and can rely on their facts alone.  It’s easy to navigate the issues when you think you know everything but we need to remember that putting the pieces together takes time.  We don’t need to live in confusion when we have the ability to create clarity through actual communication, not power plays.  Choosing chaos and misunderstanding and making things burn just to be the one to save it or for the sake of making them burn is ridiculous.  We think power means making people adhere to what we say and always keeping our interactions clear with hierarchy and the utmost aura of control.  When we let all that bullshit fall to the wayside, we see who we really are and we learn what role we want to play in this game.  When we get messy, let all the pieces we’ve been trying to hold onto fall away.  We don’t need to hold onto what no longer serves.  We don’t need to protect the idea/image we presented to the world if it is no longer who we are. We can accept losing it for the moment if it finds us the truth and clarity we need.  Don’t be afraid to get messy if it means cleaning the path for what we are meant to have.  I accept the loss in order to gain the findings.  I hope you do too.